We all have struggles and hardship in our journey to our true selves. I am just wondering what has been the hardest part of transitioning for everyone?
For me it was finding the strength to finally come out after hiding for 21 years of my 29 year old life.
Lisa
I would have to say for me it's been more of emotional struggles with anger and stress towards generally only one person but it's enough to affect my health, way of thinking, attitude and everything [emoji24][emoji24][emoji24]
If you can't accept yourself, how can you expect others to accept you?
Being abandoned by my parents and siblings.
Getting started!
The longest, hardest part was admitting to myself that I was really trans. That took 61 years. Second to that was coming out to my wife. That took 6 months. The rest has been a cakewalk in comparison.
Quote from: KathyLauren on December 08, 2018, 02:33:07 PM
Getting started!
And that's a close second. Wow was I ever a coward.
Quote from: Colleen_definitely on December 08, 2018, 02:33:46 PM
And that's a close second. Wow was I ever a coward.
I don't think that you were ever a coward Colleen we all have different trials that we have to go through during transitioning and everybody takes the problems differently me mines with one person other people is their whole families it's losing their wives their husbands or children nobody's a coward as long as we all keep moving forward we are the bravest women around
If you can't accept yourself, how can you expect others to accept you?
Quote from: Colleen_definitely on December 08, 2018, 02:33:46 PM
And that's a close second. Wow was I ever a coward.
Colleen, I don't think you were a coward. It can be very overwhelmingly hard to start the ball rolling in the beginning when first starting out on our journey. This journey takes every bit of strength and courage we can muster and then some. We also have to just sorta take a leap of faith and step off that first step into our journey not knowing what will happen.
Lisa
Quote from: Colleen_definitely on December 08, 2018, 02:32:06 PM
Being abandoned by my parents and siblings.
Me too.
On the other hand their opinions don't matter to me at the end of the day. I am going to do this regardless.
Lisa
All the waiting, I guess.
Quote from: Colleen_definitely on December 08, 2018, 02:32:06 PM
Being abandoned by my parents and siblings.
That's not a nice place to be. I feel for you. I went through that myself. I was estranged with my parents for 3 years (2000-20003), until literally weeks before my SRS in late 2003. While my mother, and father reconciled with me (and I became quite close to them), to this day, my brother and sister really don't want anything to do with me. The few times I've talked to them (and I've had to initiate the conversations, they never have), they've refused to call me by my name, and will only call me by my initials (which are the same as they were pre-transition). My dad died of cancer 3 years ago, and my mom is 79. Once she's gone, I'm on my own family-wise, since, other than my sister's daughter, I haven't really had any contact with my extended family members (aunts, uncles, cousins, nieces and nephews) in decades.
I view it this way - I had to choose to live, instead of being one of the walking dead, too bad if it bent them (my Luddite of a sister, and that sanctimonious fool of a brother I have) out of shape when I did what I had to do. It's my life to live, not theirs.
Ellen
Lisa and Arianna,
In my case it was being a coward. I always managed to talk myself out of it for reasons that ended up being complete non issues in the end. Yes it's a monumental change and yes it was difficult in places (especially getting started), but that doesn't stop me from feeling like a fool for what I did in the past.
Telling my wife that I am a (trans) woman and can't pretend to be a man anymore.
Coming out to myself and accepting it myself have been the hardest thing. Grew up with a ton of transphobia and homophobia to combat.
My family is always going to be difficult regardless of how much they learn and progress.
Now I'm trying to navigate the sports world as a trans woman. Cis women are having a hard enough time trying to get their foot in that door coaching men.
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Divorce. I made a promise in 1985. Granted, she divorced me, but still.
It's been +2 years without intimate contact with anyone. That's been the hardest for me.
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Haven't seen my daughter since 2007.
Brother and sister disowned me...although my brother did keep the door open that if I needed a bone marrow transplant...I can call him. How nice.
Time. It takes a LONG time for many of us to actually evolve (just like anyone else) since we start all over as a new person in many ways.
The time between finding out that transition was possible and going full time. Hormones helped a lot but it got to the point when it wasn't enough, I had to live as a girl. There were a couple months right before going full time that it felt like I was losing my mind, the ache from the need was almost more than I could bear.
Acceptance from others. I am NOT the stereotype of a trans person. People even try to tell me I am not trans....people who don't know me because I dont walk a certain way or conform to some notion in their mind. Yeah I did not know it was going to be like this....I am just me JAMIE take me or leave it...
Quote from: mako9802 on December 09, 2018, 11:04:31 PM
Acceptance from others. I am NOT the stereotype of a trans person. People even try to tell me I am not trans....people who don't know me because I dont walk a certain way or conform to some notion in their mind. Yeah I did not know it was going to be like this....I am just me JAMIE take me or leave it...
I feel for you
JAMIE. Stereotypes and generalisations about people are a curse. Sure, using them makes the world simpler to understand and they can be a convenient shorthand. But applying them to people is so dangerous and unhelpful. Honestly, I think wars can start because of stereotypes and generalisations.
Anyway back to trans people, every time someone says to me "to be a woman you must be/act/think like this", I can pick a real life cis-woman counter example, and say, well she is a woman so your stereotype doesn't always apply does it? (Same goes for trans men.)
Identifying with a gender does not mean having to conform to some "average" of what the people of that gender are like in your neighbourhood. The looks/actions/thinking of any subgroup of people is a bell curve. A trans woman doesn't need to be in that middle peak, you can be anywhere on that curve and still be 100% woman.
There is a counter argument, that fitting a stereotype may make things
easier for the trans woman, but no-one should ever judge you for not being
their convenient shorthand that makes
their world easier to understand.
Don't listen to them if they talk in stereotypes, and accuse you of not being trans.Sorry for the mini-rant, but your situation is something I am passionate about.
~Dee.
I would have to say another part that is hard about transitioning is being alone even when people are near
If you can't accept yourself, how can you expect others to accept you?
Quote from: Colleen_definitely on December 08, 2018, 02:32:06 PM
Being abandoned by my parents and siblings.
That is heartbreaking. I am so sorry and for everyone that has experienced this.
I have 3 kids, 26-24-23. Two have autism one is ok. I love them unconditionally. I can't imagine anyone disowning their child unless they had committed murder or some other heinous act on humanity.
But to reject them for speaking or living their truth. That is unthinkable to me.
My Mom has accepted me no problem she is 78. My Dad died a little while before I came out but I am pretty sure he would have had a problem with it. If so we would be done. The thought of disowning a child over this or being gay or some other nonsense is repulsive to me. They are the ones that should be ashamed.
As for what was hardest for me - coming out was very hard. I want to be accepted and was afraid I wouldn't be. I was very scared. But courage is being afraid and doing it anyway. I found the courage.
The other hard thing was that I expected to have money for FFS and it fell through (very long story ) I didn't plan on transitioning being obviously trans which makes it harder but I went through with it anyway. I would have regretted it if I didn't.
So instead of FFS BA & GRS I have an orchiectomy, electro and Estrogen. Not exactly what I had in mind. So my body dysphoria has been hard but at least I am living as my authentic self.
This is a hard thread to read hearing that so many of you have dealt or are dealing with such difficult things. It makes what I'd have to contribute to the discussion seem trivial because I've never had to deal with all this interpersonal family stuff and people, friends, other relatives and jobs that didn't accept me. Sometimes it doesn't feel right to talk about this because I haven't faced many of the common challenges a lot of you have but that doesn't mean I breezed through this whole transition thing as some may think. Obviously because it has left an impression on me and although it was a long, long time ago, I had things were hard for me too. Really hard but in different ways than what I am reading from most of you.
I had never been seen as or fit into the world as a normal boy and by the time I was 15, my parents understood that I simply couldn't keep living my life being known as a boy that was too much of a girl to be ever be one but not enough girl to be one of them either. They said they had expected this my whole life but were kind of hoping I'd just be gay but they really did understand. They'd seen my struggles and knew my life and my future would have been a lot better if I was a girl so there was never anything dramatic about it all and this was all matter of fact.
The only problem was, was that I was only 15 and this was in 1970 in a very god-fearing conservative part of the country. There was no such thing as transition like we know it today at least not for kids. They didn't even know kids could be trans back then and heck, I didn't know what exactly was going on either other than I was a girl and that's what I needed to be and to be known as and not something in-between and neither like I had always had been.
I was always given liberties in expressing myself. My nature and personality were evident. I had long, blonde pretty hair halfway down my back when I was 15, was small, hadn't even started puberty yet and had always confused strangers about what gender I was my whole life but once my parents and I got on the same page about my future, it didn't take long and by the time I was 16, strangers no longer had any problem figuring out I was a girl. Because it became awkward in public, my folks started using she/her pronouns and calling me by the name I would have been called if I was born a girl and the rest of the extended family I had at the time, aunts, uncles and cousins all were more like "it's about time" rather than any sort of bothered. It was a little weird maybe but it just seemed like a natural sort of thing. People had seen how I grew up and nobody cared. Nothing else really made any sense even if none of it made any sense.
This was fine but going to high school as a boy that everyone else in my world saw, accepted me as and treated me like a girl were most the difficult years of my entire life and the thing that was hardest for me. Nevermind the bullying and mocking and criminal violence for looking like and acting like a girl, that had always been part of my life but being one person, the only person I knew how to be and being known as two different genders was pretty horrifically mind-bending.
I couldn't put up with for long. It was tearing my little brain to pieces. By the time I was 17, I couldn't have passed as a boy even if I had wanted to (I didn't) and all the things I was dealing with at school and with puberty finally beginning to kick in, I knew I couldn't keep doing this anymore. I struggled through my junior year with everything I had but knew I couldn't go back to finish my final year and graduate. I was darkly and suicidally depressed, withdrawn and non-functional and refused to put myself through this everyday just to go to school. I became very uncooperative. I didn't think much about it at the time because there was a lot of pain and terror in my life that was hard to see beyond but now I can only imagine what hell I was putting my parents through too? I don't know how they didn't just murder me and let me tell you, there were some screaming, door slamming battles to the death about my looks and what I had to wear to go to school. It didn't seem fair that every day I had to be something less than the other girls or the girl I was the rest of the time at home and everywhere else. It sucked quite honestly.
Fortunately, this was the time a new doctor my parents had found in another city 150 miles away came into my life. Apparently, extraordinarily rare because of my age and the times (1972), I started HRT at the beginning of summer after my junior year and was counseled heavily to stay in school and graduate. Make that coerced, bribed, cajoled and forced to stay in school. Being a boy or a girl didn't matter to my folks but getting a high school diploma sure did.
Hormones helped enough that I did go back for my senior year and clueless me finally having a name for and an understanding of why I was the way I was helped my attitude. Knowing I had a plan and what I'd be able to do once I did graduate made dealing with my situation a whole lot easier to just disassociate from and marginally tolerable. It was embarrassing to be known as a boy when everyone else in my life knew and saw me as a girl but I just held my breath and counted down the months and days I no longer had to put up with this ridiculous crap. There was a light at the end of my tunnel and I had hope. I shudder to think how differently things could have gone for me without supportive parents and family that I'm sure were from the future or another planet? There's no question in my mind I couldn't have gone much further.
My senior year wasn't quite as bad as the previous ones but still very challenging mentally. I had always been ostracized, isolated, treated like a pariah and a freak but my body started changing fast and once my breasts became noticeable, my hips got wider, my skin became finer and my hair was down to my waist, most people steered even more clear of me because I think they thought I was ill or had some kind of disease? That was fine by me. The less interaction the better. I put on my brave face and gritted my way through it to graduation to make my folks happy because they'd bent over backwards to make me happy and done so much to get my life as a young woman off to a good start. I had my new girl IDs and paperwork the week after I graduated and never had to be known as a he/him again.
This doesn't seem like much compared to the hard things others have shared here about rejection from family and loved ones and damaged marriages and interrupted careers. Because I've never really faced anything like that it seems almost hard to imagine but it is not hard to empathize. There are aspects of being trans that are hard for everyone in different ways no matter your path and these were mine. I know for me at least, things did get better and life became normal and routine and I'd like to think my story might offer some hope and encouragement to others working through their own hard times and issues even if things were different for me.
Sorry I always write so much. :icon_redface:
Quote from: Denise on December 09, 2018, 04:02:50 PM
Divorce. I made a promise in 1985. Granted, she divorced me, but still.
It's been +2 years without intimate contact with anyone. That's been the hardest for me.
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My life proceeded similar. Being without intimate contact i something you'll get used to, it is for em now close to 15 years.
I do not really miss the sex part anymore, but skin contact and cuddling is what I really miss a lot!
Quote from: Dietlind on December 10, 2018, 11:34:50 AM
My life proceeded similar. Being without intimate contact i something you'll get used to, it is for em now close to 15 years.
I do not really miss the sex part anymore, but skin contact and cuddling is what I really miss a lot!
OMG yes the cuddling the being held just being touched I miss that so much that really tight hugs were amazing and the kisses weren't too bad either but I was never much of a kisser anyways
If you can't accept yourself, how can you expect others to accept you?
Knowing that if I go through with this, there is a significant chance that my parents and sister will disown me and I will never be able to see them again. At this moment, it is far, far more likely than not.
Knowing that if I do NOT go through with this, I have irrevocably changed every familial relationship I have and it will be impossible to truly go back to the way things were.
I do not even know where to start.
Was it the bearing my soul to a therapist? Bearing my soul to my family and having them yank it out, throw it on the ground, and stop on it. Maybe it was when my mother declared that she always knew that I would never be as good as my brothers. Was it when my cousin said that I will be the first '->-bleeped-<-' that she knows of in the family?
Could it have been my wife outting me to everyone who she knew? Was it when I was at my oldests softball game and some fathers walked over to me to make 'testicle festival' jokes.
So much disrespect.
QuoteI get no respect. The way my luck is running, if I was a politician I would be honest.
Rodney Dangerfield
Quote from: Jennifer M on December 10, 2018, 12:27:12 PM
Knowing that if I go through with this, there is a significant chance that my parents and sister will disown me and I will never be able to see them again. At this moment, it is far, far more likely than not.
Knowing that if I do NOT go through with this, I have irrevocably changed every familial relationship I have and it will be impossible to truly go back to the way things were.
Jennifer, my sister is part of a conservative Baptist congregation. She was my biggest family concern, not counting my wife. (My parents have passed away.) After coming out she said, I know my church doesn't approve, but you are my brother (given she was willing to talk to me I could let that pass) and I accept and love you.
She surprised me and maybe you will be surprised too.
~Dee.
Dating and loneliness. Being Bi and pre-op presents obvious challenges. I date, but I won't be able to relax and really enjoy it until post-op. I have lots of friends, but it's kind of lonely not having a steady boyfriend or girlfriend.
Yeah the lack of a romantic relationship. I have not been on a date much less touched someone romantically since before I transitioned. It is a very empty feeling. My sex drive is less (not gone ) but I miss the physical intimacy. The occasional hug from a friend etc is about all of the physical contact I get.
I actually enjoyed dating - I guess I really was a girl !! LOL. Most guys just want to get between the sheets.
Quote from: KimOct on December 11, 2018, 12:27:01 AM
Yeah the lack of a romantic relationship. I have not been on a date much less touched someone romantically since before I transitioned. It is a very empty feeling. My sex drive is less (not gone ) but I miss the physical intimacy. The occasional hug from a friend etc is about all of the physical contact I get.
I actually enjoyed dating - I guess I really was a girl !! LOL. Most guys just want to get between the sheets.
Yeah that does seem like most guys the most physical contact that I've had in a long time is getting a massage once a month and at least that physical contact feels so good
If you can't accept yourself, how can you expect others to accept you?
Quote from: KimOct on December 11, 2018, 12:27:01 AM
Yeah the lack of a romantic relationship. I have not been on a date much less touched someone romantically since before I transitioned. It is a very empty feeling. My sex drive is less (not gone ) but I miss the physical intimacy. The occasional hug from a friend etc is about all of the physical contact I get.
I actually enjoyed dating - I guess I really was a girl !! LOL. Most guys just want to get between the sheets.
I had not had close physical contact with another human for more than 10 years. I basically forgot what sex drive is. That is OK with me, but what I really miss, is skin contact and cuddling, and the quiet talks at night, reflecting on the day past, and planning for the one to come.
The hardest part has to be coming to terms with the woman that I am. It's not about looks because I could have ffs, ba and lipo on my waist and stomach... Would those things be nice? Of course, but I'm realizing the changes don't mean much it's how I feel and think. I just think getting on estrogen I didn't realize how much things will change for the better emotionally and psychologically... I have my down days, but they're just that. The real agony for me was before transitioning... Now I understand why leaving the house can make someone feel better. Just to feel I can be part of the world as myself is so liberating.
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