Susan's Place Transgender Resources

Hello everyone,

I recently found this forum by accident, and I think it's changed my entire life. 

   To begin, I was looking up some info on the Meyer's Briggs personality types, and on the page of personality tests there was also a gender test.  I don't know why but I decided to take it.  For some reason as I went to submit the test I felt some anxiety, and the weird part was that when it told me I was female (Born a boy) I was relieved. In the past I have on several occasions thought that I may be a girl in a guy's body.
MtF so to speak.  But I feel like I'm the kind of person who doesn't like to be a hypocrite or lie especially to myself (that deep hate of hypocrisy probably comes from lying to myself since forever and never knowing it).
I knew I wouldn't feel completely right as a woman, and I had so much practice being a guy that it was always easy to brush those MtF thoughts off as sort of periods of "weakness" (now I know that it actually was weakness... but not in the way I had been tricking myself into believing). 
I decided to take another test. So I looked for one that didn't ask direct questions I found one with only shapes and colors, and I got the same results.  So I tried another one.  This one claimed to accurately guess my gender 100% of the time.
So I took the test honestly, and when it got to the results I think something just instantly clicked.  The results were plotted out with male on the left and female on the right, and it said "We are 0% sure that you are FEMALE.", and the little dot thing was right in the middle of the two.  It said only 7% of the people who took the test scored there.  So I got excited at the idea that there might be people similar to me, but I had no idea how similar...  I've been reading all the posts here and I would say so far 99% of what people have said always seems to apply to me, in that way where you highlight the exact phrase you've always used to identify yourself, and yet someone here is saying the exact same thing.

   I didn't even feel like I need any direction.  It was like I finally for the first time knew exactly what to do. I instantly felt like I knew the steps I wanted to take next (I think that somewhere in my head I always knew this would happen and I was ready and packed for when it did)
I also realized some creepy things.  The first is that my whole childhood (with the exception of this and that) is blocked out of my mind.  The weird part is that I've known that I can't recall any of it for years now but I've never worried about it even once.  I'm working on getting a therapist to dig into the past.
The second thing I realized is of course that I've been lying to myself for years.  I remember being told as a kid that I needed to get rid of that giggle and laugh like a man soon since I was growing up.  And in my head I was like... What? Why?  That was my first memory of me consciously changing myself to be more masculine.
I didn't see anything wrong with it, because I figured everyone else who was a guy had to do that kind of stuff all the time.  I thought that was what being a man was.  Doing this list of pointless and hard actions that gained you social acceptance.  I started getting so fake in the past years after I came home from my third year of college that I decided to reinvent myself on a whim to be the perfect alpha male.  All I did was take the traits I found in people I liked or respected and stole the good ones for myself (everything from social intelligence, and smile, to body language, Sense of humor).  Somehow I'm really good at doing that sort of thing; probably from so much faking (is anyone else like that here?)
Well over the last year and a half I've gained about 60 friends and I'm usually the life of the party, and almost every girl I know seems to be sexually interested in me. (Which sucks, because I would rather some of them be closer friends) So it did work, but it was all a lie.  I got to the point where I could read someone's body language and almost pick apart what they were thinking, and then I'd say it for them (mostly as party entertainment).  I'd say about half my friends believe I'm psychic, but I'm actually sure it's just really good woman's intuition.

Sorry this is so long and unorganized.  I've never told anyone any of this, and I'm excited, and I'm doing it all wrong but I'm trying to get it out.

  My friends like to joke that I look like a 14 year old boy.  I don't know if they know, but whenever I hear that I get so happy about it I forget to come up with a witty fake defense so I just don't say anything.  I'm actually 21.  The other thing is, recently I've been getting older and people have started saying "you're a man now" and every time they said that it's like I was hit on the back of the head by bricks.  Something about the word man actually mildly repulses me.  I've always preferred to be called a boy I don't know why.  It feels correct to me.  I don't mind being called a girl either but woman is just as wrong. 


   After discovering this forum within a few days I just felt the need to shave my legs.  I've never shaved my legs before, and there wasn't even any forethought in it.  I just went to the bathroom, took my sisters razor and shave gel and started shaving.  But as I was shaving I noticed a tangible difference in the way I felt about my body. I also discovered I have sweet legs, and bed sheets feel amazing on them.  I shaved off my beard too.  I had a beard with attached sideburns and a goatee, and it all went.
The odd thing is that now body hair on anything but my armpits is actually starting to bother me a lot. I went from being neutral with it to being fairly disgusted by it, but only on me. (is this disphoria?).  I don't even care that I have a penis.  It's just a useful as a vagina for certain things and useless in others.  Sometimes in the past I have felt like I wanted girl parts very earnestly but when I really think about it they both have pros and cons and I really don't care too much about it now.

   Sexually I consider myself either Bi or Asexual.  I used to claim to be asexual for as long as I can remember, but only around my friends who were girls.  I don't think they believed me though.  But when I think about it, the only times I ever have sex is when the girl is hard core seducing me and I would feel bad saying no.  I've had sex with girls many times, and it's always the same.  I don't really get much out of it, yet I feel like they don't even notice.  I can literally go for hours without orgasm if I want to.  There are exceptions though, if I really like the person on a personal level I tend to enjoy it a little more.  Somehow holding someone in bed (girl or guy) seems more sexually exciting to me than sex ever could be.

When I look back there are so many signs that are so obvious.  I remember back in 2005 I made an avatar for my deviantart page, and my friends kept referring to that character as 'me'.  I remember I would always correct them and say no, he's my mascot. My 'mascot' was an extremely child like thing with no apparent gender, and gender neutral clothing, and a line splitting it down the middle between being white and grey.  I even had a back story for him.  He/it used to be two people (a nice boy and a meaner girl) that were fused together and lost their memory.  Also the characters name was a play on words for psyche.

It's been about 2 weeks that I have been aware of what's going on, and I don't think I've ever felt more free, happy, and full of energy and life.  I painted my toenails and shaved my legs, but nobody knows.  I was afraid it would be sexual for me or something but it wasn't.  I actually feel more grounded, like it reminds me of who I am in case I forget while faking in front of people.  Also I used to constantly do drugs to keep my mind from thinking, and almost overnight (like within days) I lost all desire to do so.  I also used to sleep all man shaped and rigid (yes I even forced myself to sleep like how I thought a man should) and I was an insomniac.  Now I sleep however I want and it's really made falling asleep easier.

So yeah, that's not everything I wanted to say.  In fact major things I wanted to say are missing but there's some stuff about me.  Hi, It's nice to meet all of you.

Nice to meet you too!  I'm on my way to work, so I'm sorry about the short reply.

But don't put too much stock in those online gender/personality tests..  They're mostly based on stereotypes.. It's a long road of soul searching but pretty much take some time and figure out how you feel :) 

Welcome!

Hi Something (Cool Name! ;) ) Welcome to Susan's!

What Alison says is absolutely true, but on the other hand, a moment of clarity can come at the most unexpected time, and in the most unexpected fashion. Mine came while sitting listening to a Buddhist monk talk of the terrible state our world is in, and things just fell into place.

Start a journal, and start writing about your past, your thoughts, your feelings. Soon things long forgotten will start dislodgingand tumbling forth, and if nothing else, you will gain a greater understanding of yourself than most people ever bother to cultivate.

Hello, Something.

I, too, around the time of puberty, remember trying to sleep in a "manly" fashion. Looking back, I wonder just what in the names of the gods I was thinking.

I know what you mean about a sudden lightening of the spirit. When I finally came to terms with my ambigous gender identity (androgyne, borderline MtF TG), I suddenly felt much happier. Even my wife noticed it.

I hope you enjoy your time here.

Hello back Alison, lady, & Shades

I actually started a journal yesterday. It helped me figure out what to say for an intro, so it's helping already.  ;D
I hadn't thought about writing out the past in it as well.  I'll definitely try it though since it sounds like a great idea.  Maybe ill stream of consciousness something interesting out of me while trying to think about that particular age.

QuoteOk, here goes my life story:

I want to make a transition and become a female. I don't like being male. I hate my body, my clothes, everything. At first I thought it's just a phase I'm going through. But it just won't end.

Of course, no one in my neighbourhood knows anything about it, and I'm afraid of what would happen if anyone found out. My family is fairly liberal, a lot more than the rest of the people here, but I don't think they'd take it lightly. I'm afraid I might end up being forced to leave my home. And since I'm just 18 years old and in school, I would have no where to go and no where to work.

Also, I don't want to hurt my family. Even if they did accept me, I can only imagine what the other people around here would talk. "I've heard their son wants to be a girl, what a ->-bleeped-<-..." etc.

Had a conversation with my best (female) friend about the subject, few weeks ago. I felt ill after talking to her. She's a really good friend of mine and I respect her a lot, but if she has such opinion about transgender people I can only imagine what does a regular person think. There's a guy in my school who's very effeminine, you can just guess how he's getting treated by people...

How could I remain in contact with the people I like and do something for me I really want? I have to choose one over the other, and I really hate them. I wish to be normal, why can't I just find some decent girl, get in a relationship and live happily ever after? (Yeah, I know it's not all that ideal, but you get the point.)

And even if I had the surgery, I would never become a real woman. I'd still have XY chromosome pair. Would become sterile. And I'm sure I would never be able to have a real relationship - why would anyone ever date a bad copy of a female when they can be with a real female?

All this I'm going through has only affected my social life for the worse. I stopped making new friends and I rarely hang out with my old ones. I don't see a reason why should I hang out with them if they will start to think of me as a monster once I tell them how I feel.

Next, my sexual orientation. Don't have a clue. I'm attracted to girls much more than I'm attracted to guys, but that might be affected by the fact that I want to become one. Don't know, really. I have a really good friend, I can say he's my best friend. I think I'm starting to develop feelings for him, and that scares me. I have no clue how he would react. He occasionally makes a homophobic comment, but he also likes to talk about being really religious, even though he once admitted to me he's an atheist while he was drunk.

And in the end, I'm afraid that time is not on my side here. I'm 18 now. By the time I finish college and get a job with which I can support myself I'll be 23+. And if I start transitioning then, I'll be almost 30 by the time I'm all done. And I'm afraid that's simply too late in life?

This above is what I posted on another forum. Then I got replies from two very friendly persons, who told me about this forum, so here I am. (They're both on this forum as well, but I can't send a PM to either of them or see their profiles. Any reason for that?)

Another unicorn moves into my forest.

Welcome Something!
I'm Nero. Pleased to meet ya.
<offers hand>

I must inquire though as to what this 'manly' sleeping position is.  :laugh:

Quote from: Nero on March 14, 2008, 11:36:08 AM
Another unicorn moves into my forest.

Just to clarify, are androgynes your "unicorns," right?

Quote from: Nero on March 14, 2008, 11:36:08 AM
I must inquire though as to what this 'manly' sleeping position is.  :laugh:

Oh, my gods. That was like 24 years ago for me. Let's see. I guess I determine the difference between feminine and masculine sleeping from movies and TV.

Quote from: Shades O'Grey on March 14, 2008, 11:40:44 AM

Quote from: Nero on March 14, 2008, 11:36:08 AM
Another unicorn moves into my forest.

Just to clarify, are androgynes your "unicorns," right?

Yesirree.

Quote from: Nero on March 14, 2008, 11:36:08 AM
I must inquire though as to what this 'manly' sleeping position is.  :laugh:

QuoteOh, my gods. That was like 24 years ago for me. Let's see. I guess I determine the difference between feminine and masculine sleeping from movies and TV.

Hmmm What do the masculine and feminine sleep positions look like?

Quote from: Nero on March 14, 2008, 11:49:03 AM


Hmmm What do the masculine and feminine sleep positions look like?

I have no idea anymore. That was when I was 14, and I'm 38 now.

Welcome Something, glad you've found us! It's a wonderful thing to make these discoveries about ourselves.

Z

Welcome Something

You definitely seem to echo a lot of the statements around here.
Keep writing you will be amazed at how well it works in organizing your thoughts and gaining an understanding of yourself.

If I may, I would suggest going easy on the changes right away. Take one step, then give it some time to see how well you accept it. Some people, like myself, have gone too fast and gotten a bit freaked out by it. Go slow, you have plenty of time so why rush.

As has been mentioned tests are not accurate, but they can be good in giving you guidance and pointing you in a direction you were previously unaware of. I hate to dis them too hard because without them I would not have figured out what I was but at the same time, they can be wildly inaccurate.

Hi hun, glad you made it here!

I'm fairly new myself (I only just created this profile after I saw the link Cess provided ^^) but it seems like a wonderful place, really.

I'll get her to welcome you too, and I hope we can solve that PM problem...ish...

Anyway, good to have you here!

*huggles*


Moi.

Hi ..already sent you a PM  ;D

/wave

I'm 38, and just beginning to discover my gender identity. At this point, I'm still not sure what form my transition will be. I'm not fully "male," but I wouldn't say I'm more "female."

So, time is not necessarily against you. But, perhaps others here might be better qualified to speak to that than I.

I hope you can find some of what you need here.

Welcome.

Heh. Well, now you've come a good deal of the way, at least.

Veetje...or what do I call you on the forums, dear? Anyway...she thinks the reason you can't send PMs or view profiles is due to the fact that you probably need a fixed number of posts (or reputation) in order to do that. It makes sense, as that would reduce the spam that could otherwise infect a forum like this...so I guess we'll just have spend some time here and get to know the folks.

Anyway, I wanted to ask you if you know what happened to your topic on that board? Did you delete it yourself, or did some silly moderator decide it was inappropriate? If it's the latter, I really feel like venting at them, and I'd say it's well-deserved too...

But I wouldn't do it without asking you first ^-^


Moi.

Hi Something,

      Welcome to Susan's.

       You're fortunate because you are finding yourself at a good age.  Old enough to be independent and young enough not have built a foreign life around yourself.


       Is this manly sleeping position done by sleeping with your fist in someone else's face?   :laugh:


     I almost forgot to say that there is a bunch of us who feel like boy/girl beings and not man/woman.  We're trying to work it out as to what it's all about.



Rebis

Hi,

         Welcome to Susan's.

        You do need a certain number of posts before you can PM others.  I think you can receive them, though, until the time when you can send.      I can't recall the number of posts needed.

        You have all the time in the world to work out how you choose to transition or to integrate your gender variance into your life.  There's no rush and it's never too late.   Anyway, at your age, circumstances will change while you go about living your life and opportunities will reveal themselves in different ways and at different times.



See you around,


Rebis

Hi Fakt  welcome to Susan's, to late you say? "Hee, hee." I been full time living as female for 8 years now and I am 62 years of age. This past eight years probably have been the happiest ever then all the years previous in my life, I take full advantage enjoying life and very much still feel like i am in my teens.  ;D  Hun I can't really answer your questions and concerns about when you should start you transitioning. That something you will have to work out for yourself. Maybe after you go off to college, there a few Young-uns here that are doing exactly that. Actually you will find there are many nice kids on this group that can be of greater help to you then I can. You will meet along the way.

Cindy 

Quote from: Shades O'Grey on March 14, 2008, 11:40:44 AM

Quote from: Nero on March 14, 2008, 11:36:08 AM
Another unicorn moves into my forest.

Just to clarify, are androgynes your "unicorns," right?

Yes, Nero is the king of the forest in which we androgynes/unicorns reside... I really don't know how he became king, I can't recall an actual election... perhaps he was appointed by the supreme court >:D ... or maybe anointed by Diana Ross and the Supremes  ;)

Z

King of the forest, eh? Do we have a Lady of the lake, too?  ;)

Quote from: Moira Midnigh on March 14, 2008, 02:18:56 PM

Anyway, I wanted to ask you if you know what happened to your topic on that board? Did you delete it yourself, or did some silly moderator decide it was inappropriate? If it's the latter, I really feel like venting at them, and I'd say it's well-deserved too...

But I wouldn't do it without asking you first ^-^


Moi.

Moi,

I am a silly moderator.  I don't know what happened to the post in question.  But I certainly welcome you to vent me as much as you like.  I want to listen and understand concerns and try to do the right thing.  I'm always open to honest criticism.  I believe that is generally true with other moderators on this site.

The forum exists to support and help people. That is Susan's goal and she has been able to do so for several years.  Some guidance is required to keep things friendly but we honestly try not to censor. If intervention is required for posts that violate the site rules, we always contact the person and explain our actions. Once you can send PM's we are always willing to hear your concerns.  We only ask that you follow the site rules as posted.  We wish to alienate no one.

Chin up!

Cindi

Quote from: Moira Midnigh on March 14, 2008, 02:18:56 PM
Anyway, I wanted to ask you if you know what happened to your topic on that board? Did you delete it yourself, or did some silly moderator decide it was inappropriate? If it's the latter, I really feel like venting at them, and I'd say it's well-deserved too...

But I wouldn't do it without asking you first ^-^


Moi.

Welcome to Susan's!!!  :icon_hug: :icon_hug:

Silly moderators!!! Actually yes, most of us are. We do all sorts of silly activities when we aren't just removing or editing random posts out of caprice, or messing up threads with our own gibberish-filled posts!!

See how much more fun we are here?

BTW, before you decide you should vent here, Moi, please also be aware of this quotation from the Site Rules at Susan's

Quote2. Any attempts to stage protests, dispute the site policy, the TOS/rules, or actions of the staff; in the public areas of this site will not be tolerated and will result in your removal. If you have issues I suggest you contact susan@susans.org and not bring your issues into the public spaces on this website. For the proper way to raise issues see term #20 below.

3. Posting is a privilege, not a right. We reserve the rights to refuse or remove access by anyone to this site for any reason, and to remove any posting from any forum for any reason.

So, please be astute in venting.

In fact, perhaps we should all be aware of the Site Rules: https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,2.0.html

and do our bests to remain within them.

That way we care-free, silly, capricious and fun-loving mods will be able to do our thing here as well.

Thanks Moi and irfakt.

Hope you both enjoy your stays here. 

Quote from: Shades O'Grey on March 14, 2008, 04:55:08 PM
King of the forest, eh? Do we have a Lady of the lake, too?  ;)

If you search the androgyne archives, you'll find that I am the "keening quing"  ;) :D

Z

Oh, dearest me, there's a misunderstanding ^^

The post she made, the one she quoted up there, was posted on a different forum entirely, not at all related to this one. I don't know if any of you know World of Warcraft? Well, there have been issues of this kind where members of minorities (and sexual minorities in particular) have been...well...let down by the chief staff and moderators. So if they did remove this topic of Irfakt's (which, I will remind everyone, was in no way offending and there was not a touch of flaming in the replies either...), well...then I'd be very offended!

So I don't have a gripe with any of the local moderators here (yet) and I do hope I won't ever have reason to.

Hope that cleared that up ^^'

I'm sorry if you thought I was gonna shout at you people.


Moi.

Quote from: Zythyra on March 14, 2008, 04:51:38 PM
Yes, Nero is the king of the forest in which we androgynes/unicorns reside... I really don't know how he became king, I can't recall an actual election... perhaps he was appointed by the supreme court >:D ... or maybe anointed by Diana Ross and the Supremes  ;)

Z

Kings are not elected, I think he was self appointed but we love him anyway.

shout all you want.

Careful, now...I might take you up on that offer one day.

But never mind! I'm not miffed at you wonderful people, I'm miffed at the silly, silly moderators at Blizzard's WoW boards, yeah!


Moi.

O, sweetie, now you misunderstood!!  :laugh: :laugh: I understood the mods you were a bit miffed with were not us. Just thought I'd make this distinction between here and there.

Well, and also point out that disagreements of a public kind with what mods and admins do here need to be vented privately to either the mod or to the admins.  :)

You couldn't have possibly meant us, luv, we are universally loved and respected around here!!  :laugh: :laugh:

Seriously, I did get that you weren't referring to any of us in your post.

Thanks for clearing it up though. I think with your savvy and grace you, and irfakt, will have absolutely no trouble fitting in here like the missing fingers on a pair of very nice gloves!!  :laugh:

Hugs,

Nichole

hello,
I hope you have found something good. It was good for me, I hope it will be for you as well.
The main aim is to have fun and explore...it's a big forest and most of us are following the deer tracks a little lost.
Good to have another 'un.

By the way, did you ever do the briggs myers? my one infp

Hello there and welcome to Susan's!

Please take a few moments to get familiar with all the boards of the site, review the site rules  (https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,2.0.html)before posting, and take advantage of our many resources such as the wiki (https://www.susans.org/wiki/Main_Page), chat (https://www.susans.org/chat/index.html), and the links listed at the main page. (https://www.susans.org/index.html)  We look forward to your future posts and participation.  Enjoy your stay :)

tink :icon_chick:

Might you be asking for lady of the lake?

(https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi11.photobucket.com%2Falbums%2Fa191%2Fcynthiag932%2Flittlewhitedove-1.jpg&hash=1b5925bce82b2e4809a0c8abc76aa866aad3dd44)

Cindy

Hi,
Just give yurself time to get used to being female.  Do what yu are comfortable with.  I am 61 and haven't transitioned yet.  If and when I do it now or in the future all of my college education and jobs over the past 40 years are under my male identity.  When I was younger I thought it would be easier to deal with my femininity when I was older.  Now I am older, I wonder.  The past 61 years and all of its commitments have created a jungle of perplexities I am not sure how to live with.   I guess the best time to transition is when yu are ready, but it does not get any easier as you get older.   When yu emotionally own your bra and your panties and your skirts and your blouces and your make up and you are comfortable in them may give yu a clue.

See yu,
Michelle

Oooops, sorry I didn't mean to jump into something serious going on with my silliness. I guess I should have refreshed the page before posting. Well Michelle hon your not alone, drop me a line sometime.  ;D

Cindy

Quote from: Moira Midnigh on March 14, 2008, 02:18:56 PMAnyway, I wanted to ask you if you know what happened to your topic on that board? Did you delete it yourself, or did some silly moderator decide it was inappropriate? If it's the latter, I really feel like venting at them, and I'd say it's well-deserved too...

Moderators deleted that topic, only way you can delete a topic by yourself on WoW forums is if no one else posts in it and you delete your OP. Before it used to be that if you delete the OP, the entire topic would disappear but they changed that for some reason. There's no need to go and flame them, really. But if you know where I can find that webform with which you can complain about moderation, that would be nice.