This is my understanding of the typical life of a MTF transsexual, which varies a bit from what they say in books. Some items may not be applicable to some individuals, but I think that many will fit the majority of these.
- At around 5-7 years old, you know something is wrong with your gender. A few people will know why, but most won't.
- You have at least a few friends with girls, but depending on the person, it may be all friends or just a few.
- Around the age of 10, you start crossdressing and experimenting with wearing women's clothing. Usually the interest is center around undergarments and possibly dresses or skirts.
- As you're growing up, you realize how boys are supposed to act and even if it doesn't feel natural, you learn how to do it anyway. If you don't you will be ostracized by the other boys.
- During your teen years, if you are not already aware, you become aware that the gender of your brain is different that the gender of your body.
- You constantly look at other girls and are jealous of them.
- Once you get out of highschool, you decide to do the role of being very masculine. Maybe you can overcome this.
- You join the military because it is a masculine career and you will be forced to not be able to deal with gender issues.
- You get married and have 2 or 3 kids.
- During this whole time, you have been dressing in women's clothes and possibly thought of yourself as a crossdresser.
- You come across something that makes you decide to look at your gender issues a little closer.
- You realize that you are transsexual and decide to come out of denial.
- You go through a period of research and readjustment.
- You start transition.
Maybe this will help some people that are wondering whether or not they are "typical", because what you read in books does not quite fit this. Some people may realize they are TS sooner than others, some will repeat steps, some will skip steps, but most people hit a majority of these.
Melissa
Melissa!
Stop following me around, from what you wrote it appears that you have been doing it my entire life. Stop it or I will be forced to take drastic measures to ensure that you are no longer able to do so.
Seriously! Except for the military, getting married, and having kids, however i did seriously think about joining the airforce and was engaged... And here I was under the impression I was not "typical"
Quote from: Ellissa Ray on June 12, 2006, 09:24:16 AM
And here I was under the impression I was not "typical"
That's exactly one of the reason I started this thread. What I listed is mostly based on my own personal life combined with the stories I have heard from hundreds of other transsexuals. It took me a while to realize that I was much more typical than I originally thought. ...and the 2 above responses were exactly what I was hoping for.
Melissa
*ponder* lets see
Quote from: Melissa on June 11, 2006, 11:58:48 PM
- At around 5-7 years old, you know something is wrong with your gender. A few people will know why, but most won't.
Check. ReLearning life was an adventure let me tell you, in a good way!
Quote from: Melissa on June 11, 2006, 11:58:48 PM
- You have at least a few friends with girls, but depending on the person, it may be all friends or just a few.
Uh, friends. Er...
Quote from: Melissa on June 11, 2006, 11:58:48 PM
- Around the age of 10, you start crossdressing and experimenting with wearing women's clothing. Usually the interest is center around undergarments and possibly dresses or skirts.
I was wearing jewelry long before this age, does that count?
'Typical crossdressing' though I do not qualify, tried on a one piece swimsuit once, almost killed myself after.
*shrug* I have very much
wanted to wear skits and dresses and things all of my life though.
Quote from: Melissa on June 11, 2006, 11:58:48 PM
- As you're growing up, you realize how boys are supposed to act and even if it doesn't feel natural, you learn how to do it anyway. If you don't you will be ostracized by the other boys.
Yea, lets just say "bad childhood experience". I still find I am having problems walking freely.
Quote from: Melissa on June 11, 2006, 11:58:48 PM
- During your teen years, if you are not already aware, you become aware that the gender of your brain is different that the gender of your body.
Check. "If perfect clone bodies were available I would do that."
*sigh* Hindsight as they say.
Quote from: Melissa on June 11, 2006, 11:58:48 PM
- You constantly look at other girls and are jealous of them.
*giggle* Jealous
also.
Quote from: Melissa on June 11, 2006, 11:58:48 PM
- Once you get out of highschool, you decide to do the role of being very masculine. Maybe you can overcome this.
When I was growing up I never did figure out how to behave really, I ended up going the opposite; Complete rebel, abby normal, that sort of thing.
Quote from: Melissa on June 11, 2006, 11:58:48 PM
- You join the military because it is a masculine career and you will be forced to not be able to deal with gender issues.
I considered it a time or two, but I've always had this issue with authority...
Quote from: Melissa on June 11, 2006, 11:58:48 PM
- You get married and have 2 or 3 kids.
Does desire count?
Quote from: Melissa on June 11, 2006, 11:58:48 PM
- During this whole time, you have been dressing in women's clothes and possibly thought of yourself as a crossdresser.
Nup. Just thought of myself as odd is all.
Quote from: Melissa on June 11, 2006, 11:58:48 PM
- You come across something that makes you decide to look at your gender issues a little closer.
Check.
Quote from: Melissa on June 11, 2006, 11:58:48 PM
- You realize that you are transsexual and decide to come out of denial.
Check.
Quote from: Melissa on June 11, 2006, 11:58:48 PM
- You go through a period of research and readjustment.
Check, only logical after all.
Quote from: Melissa on June 11, 2006, 11:58:48 PM
- You start transition.
My "start transition" was when the 'came out of denial' part happened.
:) Interesting.
Quote from: Ellissa Ray on June 12, 2006, 09:24:16 AM
Seriously! Except for the military, getting married, and having kids, however i did seriously think about joining the airforce and was engaged... And here I was under the impression I was not "typical"
Ditto
I pretty much agree with what you say Melissa. Although, the Army wasn't my choice, the draft was still in effect when I reached that age and I got drafted at 21.
Luckily people today have it somewhat easier, information is available to them now, they can find out what there condition is.
They don't have to go through as much self doubt and guilt as earlier generatins did.
Sarah L.
Quote from: Sarah Louise on June 12, 2006, 03:28:00 PM
Luckily people today have it somewhat easier, information is available to them now, they can find out what there condition is.
They don't have to go through as much self doubt and guilt as earlier generatins did.
Very true and quite possibly why I'm transitioning at 28 and not feeling as guilty about it as others.
Melissa
Quote from: Ellissa Ray on June 12, 2006, 09:24:16 AM
Seriously! Except for the military, getting married, and having kids, however i did seriously think about joining the airforce and was engaged... And here I was under the impression I was not "typical"
I agree whole heartedly!
Quote from: Ellissa Ray on June 12, 2006, 09:24:16 AM
Seriously! Except for the military, getting married, and having kids, however i did seriously think about joining the airforce and was engaged... And here I was under the impression I was not "typical"
"typical"! Nah you're unique :)
Steph
Not me Melissa. But Im not normal never was and never will be, but that okay.
I just call myself a late bloomer.
Yes I did dress up in mom's clothes and later my wifes.
I didn't have a clue that I was trans till age 54. So I not only have kids but grandkids.
Yes most of my friends were and still are female. Never cared for sport so in high school joined the drama club, lots of girls in the club. Never went in the miltary. After college I married my high school sweet heart.
Was never jealous of girls until recently.
QuoteYou come across something that makes you decide to look at your gender issues a little closer.
You realize that you are transsexual and decide to come out of denial.
You go through a period of research and readjustment.
Yes to the above and still working on the later.
So I guess you should call me Abby. Abby Normal that is.
:)
Abby Normal Jillieann
Quote from: Stephanie Craxford on June 12, 2006, 08:58:13 PM
"typical"! Nah you're unique :)
Just like everyone else, lol...
Quote from: Jillieann on June 12, 2006, 09:13:00 PM
So I guess you should call me Abby. Abby Normal that is.
:)
Abby Normal Jillieann
Abby... I like it. :) It fits you.
Melissa
Melissa,
Even though it is so difficult to quantify what any "typical" experience might be, it seems you have done so. Most of the items on your list apply to me. The years may be off here and there, and like you said, not everything applies to everyone, but overall it seems the majority of TS's have experienced a majority of the things on your list.
It's interesting that we all experience transsexuality in our own way, yet have so many things in common with each other. I really had no idea that so many TS's experience was so much like mine. I am also surprised to find out that I also am not nearly as unique as I once thought. I find it very comforting to know that.
Love always,
Elizabeth
I'm glad to hear that Elizabeth. I tried to take a guess at some of the years and I may have done a better job if I hadn't spent only 5 minutes typing that up and had compared notes with others. I used my own life as a basis and included things that I kept hearing over and over from others. Especially when I heard people mention many of these things and then say that they weren't "typical", which is actually one thing I told my last therapist when I started seeing her. Now I realize I was much more typical than I thought.
Melissa
What a great compilation... I'd agree that these are the things I most often hear reported.
For myself, it's the *differences* though that I find interesting - even disturbing. No crossdressing until my late 20s, for example. I did other things though... one of the creepier ones being I'd tear out full-page cosmetic ads of women's faces, cut holes in the eyes, and look at myself in the mirror... literally seeing myself through her eyes... wishing I could BE her. Creepy... but creative for a child, lol. It's funny though, back then I just never connected female clothing with being/seeming female. Now I feel like I missed out on a whole lotta fun, lol...
Other minor differences are no kids, no military (though I'm fascinated by their toys), no hyper-masculine pursuits, and no "coming out of denial" experience other than realizing that I needed to do more than wait, hope, and pray if I ever wanted to be female.
But yes, what a great idea. So many people think they're the only ones with such "crazy" thoughts.
Quote from: Kate on June 13, 2006, 09:04:35 AM
...and no "coming out of denial" experience other than realizing that I needed to do more than wait, hope, and pray if I ever wanted to be female.
I never said it was one particular experience, and some may come out of denial quicker than others. If I remember right, you were in denial for quite a while. (Hey, that rhymes :)).
Melissa
Quote from: Melissa on June 13, 2006, 12:42:20 PM
I never said it was one particular experience, and some may come out of denial quicker than others. If I remember right, you were in denial for quite a while. (Hey, that rhymes :)).
I deny that I was in denial! lol...
But seriously, I'm just saying the
"You realize that you are transsexual and decide to come out of denial" didn't apply to me. I never had that experience. By at least four I was playing with the neighbor girls and wishing I was (like) them. Nothing vague about it. "I want to be a girl!" was my foremost thought then, and still is. My denial was in avoiding the fact for forty years that one day I'd actually have to DO something about this more than just wish and hope and pray.
I don't know what I expected... magic spell, scientific breakthrough... I dunno. But I honestly figured SOMEthing would come along and FIX me if I was patient.
Why hast thou forsaken me? <shakes fists at heaven... or faerieland... whomever is home at the moment>
If you weren't in denial, then why did you get married? Did you consciously think "I am a woman and now I'm marrying another woman"? Did your wife know you were transsexual during the entire time you knew her? I'm sure there must have been some degree of denial.
Melissa
Quote from: Melissa on June 13, 2006, 02:15:43 PM
If you weren't in denial, then why did you get married? Did you consciously think "I am a woman and now I'm marrying another woman"? Did your wife know you were transsexual during the entire time you knew her? I'm sure there must have been some degree of denial.
You'll notice in another thread, I never really got philosphically complicated with all this - I didn't think I "was" a woman, only that I wanted to BE one physically.
I met my wife and fell hopelessly in love. I'd survived that far not *doing* anything about my desire, and the options (HRT & SRS) didn't seem very practical in my case, so I figured I'd just go on enduring it forever. What else COULD I do? I didn't want to miss out on life, pining away for an impossible wish. And hey, maybe the need and desire would fade over time, being buried under the weight of my new life?
Remember, I got married back in 1990. I didn't have access to internet forums and lists to discuss all this. I had no idea about the progression of this "disease," the seeming inevitability of a desire to transition. If I knew then what I know now, I probably would have made more responsible choices. Maybe. I dunno, kids don't always think very far ahead.
But yes, wanting to be female is one of two contants that have always clearly haunted every thought I've ever had. I don't remember ever NOT thinking about it... and I remember crawling out of my crib on a few occasions ;)
I told my wife before we got married, but she now swears that I didn't stress the depth of my problem... that I left her with the impression it was just an occasional fancy. Of course, it took about 30 seconds to tell her I wanted to be female, and another four hours to convince her I wasn't saying I was gay, so... it may have gotten lost in there somewhere.
Ok, understood.
Melissa
Hi Melissa and Kate,
Right about the time I turned 10, and I can not be certain, I may have been nine, but I read an article about a transsexual. From that moment on, I knew I was a transsexual, even though I had never had not even learned how to masturbate. Even though I knew this growing up, and before I was married. I always assumed I was in control of it.
I thought it was my decision to decide if I would "accept" being a transsexual. For me, this was how denial worked. I knew I was one, but felt that i couild decide to live my life as one, or not. It was not until much later that I realized that I did not control these desires and eventually they would overwhelm me. By denying to myself that I had no control over being transsexual, I effectively made myself "normal", at least as far as the world was concerned. I could just keep it secret and no one would ever know.
My desire to be a real female never subsided in my own mind. There was never a time that I was ok with being a man. It was more that I accepted that there was nothing I could do about it. That was the real denial. I could have done something about it any time I wanted. But the consequences were huge. I had a wife, that did not approve, and I had kids, a business to run. I assumed I would have to give up everything. This was very close to being true, in the end.
I beleive there is too much concern among our own community about when we figured out what the problem was. We all started out the same, as you pointed out, we knew something was wrong, but did not know what. Whether or not you figured it out when you were 5, 10, 25 or 45 makes no diffference in the end.
I know there are many out there that will not agree with this. There are those who feel that all "true" transsexuals knew from an early age. There are those who beleive that "true" transsexuals transition, while psuedo-transsexuals just talk about how much they want to. Threre are many that beleive that all "true" transsexuals are only attracted to their own birth sex. MtF are only attracted to men and FtM are only attracted to women. HOwever, available data on transsexuals shows none of those things to be true. Just a lot of different opinions.
While I realize that this is not a scientific study, your survey shows we have more that make us alike, than make us different.
Love always,
Elizabeth
Hi Elizabeth. I really liked how you stated your denial as being something you denied being out of your control. I think that was what I was trying to express about Kate.
I'm a little different. First of all, I never read the article, so I didn't know transition was even possible until last year. For the past 8 years or so, I was in "hardcore denial". I literally made myself forget everything. My past was a big blank spot, like trying to remember what you got for christmas 17 years ago. It took a lot of searching to be able to remember what I did intentionally forget. Occasionally stuff would just sort of "pop up" after I started this introspective search. I would put it in a new context that I had never looked at it in before and I would realize that being TS had a significant impact on this memory.
Before I went into hardcore denial, I was in softcore denial, where I was aware of the problem, but refused to see myself as anything but "normal".
Melissa
My case was only slightly different. As a preteen, I knew there was something odd and different about me; I specifically remember one night lying awake in bed wondering if it was possible to be born "part girl".
I think I was in my mid teens when I first heard the term "transsexual", and almost immediately realized that that was what I was. The problem was that in those ancient times, information on the subject was difficult if not impossible to find, and I spent the better part of my life believing that any sort of real transition was an impossibility for me. I was too tall, too heavy, my hands and feet were too big and my features too masculine. I was a woman, but I could never live as one.
Skip forward 30 years, and I'm still just muddling along, unhappy with who I am. My marriage and all my relationships had ultimately failed because I was never able to be completely open and honest with anyone. I felt the most I would ever be able to do was to become temporarily female in the privacy of my home, living that way for a day or two at a time.
Then by chance I met a couple of TSs online, and later in person. I listened to them, asked questions, went to a TG club. Then suddenly something snapped inside, and I realized, "I can do it...! I can lose weight; hormones will make a lot of changes in my body; with the right clothing, makeup and hairstyle I wouldn't look too bad... and damn, there are an awful lot of really tall women out there!"
From that day to now, I haven't looked back.
Quote from: Annie Social on June 13, 2006, 11:22:10 PM
and damn, there are an awful lot of really tall women out there!"
...and as the taller TS women transition, the statistics change in their favor.
Melissa
I guess I'm lucky in a way that I never denied or was in denial of who or what I was. I did hide it from others but I never hid it from myself.
Steph
Quote from: Stephanie Craxford on June 14, 2006, 06:32:20 AM
I guess I'm lucky in a way that I never denied or was in denial of who or what I was. I did hide it from others but I never hid it from myself.
Steph
Actually, I'd say you weren't lucky if you weren't in denial, because you had to constantly face it.
Melissa
Well, I got on this thread and things are moving a lot faster now that Susan, so patiently, got me to another whatever you call those letters.
Melissa, I think you hit it on the head with most TS's. I figured I was about 4 or 5 and I didn't have hardly any friends. I think I stated it once before, that I really didn't like to do what the boys were doing and the girls, I liked what they were doing but was not included in their games. I did play or tried to play some sports in PE, when schools had PE. I wasn't very good, was always picked last. I started trying girls clothes on when I was about 7 I think and did it off and on for 50 years. Now I just wear them all the time-LOL. It wasn't until I got a computer and started talking with others, including people on Susans. I transitioned without any live people around except my therapist. I didnt use a support group, I did belong to one, but I was pretty much open to myself in other words I was not into denial at that time. I knew I was a crossdresser and didn't know for sure if I was TS. When I went to espirit in 2000 I knew right then and there I was in the wrong body. I didn't know for sure before, just kind of thought it. I always wished to be female, but one look in the mirror told me that I was male. I didn't know if I would ever be female. Now, here it 2006 and I have been physically female for two years now. Mentally since I was born just didn't know it.
Sheila