Susan's Place Transgender Resources

How do you know when you're ready to begin transition?

I'm not considering it yet, but I'd like to know what kinds of thoughts went through the minds of those who are going to begin or have already begun transitioning from FtM. Uh, more specifically I guess I want to know how long it took anyone to realize that ops and hrts were what they really wanted, and how they came to the conclusion that male was their true gender.

Are you still happy with your decision?

Just very curious and confused.

i just knew that i didnt like girl clothes and i wanted to dress like a boy.  then i knew that i didnt want boobs an a vagina.  then i knew that i wanted a penis.  thts when i realized... oh durr... im a transsexual!

to transition, i just stared wearing clothes that i liked and got my hair cut the way i liked.  since this isntenough for me and i want more congruence with the way i feel and look, i want to go on HRT to help that along.  i also want a mastectomy because i dont like my boobs.  so it was overall pretty easy to tell for me.

Quote from: JonasCarminis on July 04, 2008, 12:41:48 AM
i just knew that i didnt like girl clothes and i wanted to dress like a boy.  then i knew that i didnt want boobs an a vagina.  then i knew that i wanted a penis.  thts when i realized... oh durr... im a transsexual!

to transition, i just stared wearing clothes that i liked and got my hair cut the way i liked.  since this isntenough for me and i want more congruence with the way i feel and look, i want to go on HRT to help that along.  i also want a mastectomy because i dont like my boobs.  so it was overall pretty easy to tell for me.

Nice, if that's the case I've BEEN in the "i hate girl clothes" stage, but haven't done anything about it up until now.

From the way you wrote it, it sounded like a slow process...By which I mean, you didn't want everything all at once. Do you know how much time passed from clothing to realization? Thanks for your answer by the way

ever since i was old enough to dress myself i liked boy clothes, but since litle kids are seemingly genderless, i was happy like that.  as i got older and kids realized i wasnt normal, i got made fun of so i went back to girl clothes from about 8th grade to the end of my junior year.  i never liked them at all, so the clothes thing spanned from about 3 to now.  i developed boobs and curves around 9th grade and never liked them.  i always wore hoodies to help hide them.  so the minor body disphoria started around then.  by the time i realized what exactly was going on (end of my junior year) i wa like omg.... why didnt i figure this out sooner?  so i went nuts decking myself out the way that i wanted instead of how i "should" be.  got al of my air chopped off on the last da of school and went on a shopping spree.  i dont regret it at all.

Ive always been uncomfortable, but I realized that I needed to do something when I was 17. Thats when I found out what transsexualism is. Its three years ago now and I havent started my medical transition yet, but Ive transitioned socially (changed my name etc) and Ive lived full time since jan 2007. :)

Sigh.  I wish it could have been about "the clothes" for me. ::)

Quote from: trapthavok on July 04, 2008, 12:22:13 AM
How do you know when you're ready to begin transition?

I'm not considering it yet, but I'd like to know what kinds of thoughts went through the minds of those who are going to begin or have already begun transitioning from FtM. Uh, more specifically I guess I want to know how long it took anyone to realize that ops and hrts were what they really wanted, and how they came to the conclusion that male was their true gender.

Are you still happy with your decision?

Just very curious and confused.

I knew when I finally identified the problem.  It was like, well duh!! The moment of truth came when I was IMing a guy (ftm) and when he told me about his childhood and it mirrored mine, right down to crying when I realized I didn't have a penis, and praying every night that I'd wake up a boy, to using the men's room in early childhood, etc.  I knew.

At first it was like whoa.  I'm transsexual?  yikes!  Well, if I just dress male and pack, nobody will have to know.  But it doesn't quite work like that.  I did that, and then it was like, oh, I have to bind.  So I bought binders.  I also came out to my therapist (who was clueless).  And then I went to a gender therapist and it was like night and day.  There was no doubt I was going to take T and have top surgery.  Top surgery seemed like something I'd do in a few years.  Now I'm hoping for Nov/Dec (only because I'm working out now first and want to be in better shape before I do it).

So once I a) had a diagnosis and b) started transitioning, then c) I knew I had to do it, do it NOW, and do it right.

Jay

All really great answers guys thanks :)

By the way, for those of you on the T, is it something you have to take ther est of your life?

Much like Jay, as soon as I put a name to it, I started. Was in therapy one month later, T three months later, chest surgery 8 months after that, etc. The bits and pieces, like feeling like a boy from as young as I remember, to wanting to wear boys' clothes as a kid, to having such bad body dysphoria that I had taken all of the mirrors out of my house, didn't really coalesce to a whole for a long time.

That may be the difference between us older transitioners and the younger guys. We have a lot more years of pieces falling into place, so when they do, it's off to the races.

Oh and hell yes I'm happy with my decision. Wish I'd done it years ago.

You do have to take T for the rest of your life if you have a hysto, but can go down to a maintenance dose with the patch. Your body needs some kind of hormones to protect against osteo and other health problems.

Dennis

I too started feeling the beginnings at a young age, about as soon as I learned to speak (3yrs old, late bloomer what can I say).  I was so upset when friends of the family would buy me clothes as presents and they were all pink or purple with lace and bows and all that other riddiculous stuff they decorate little girls clothes with.  I used to hide them under the bed and when my mother asked what happened to them I said "I do not know.  I think they ran away."  Then as I went to school, especially in the early years where they segregate children by gender (boys side and girls side, boys line and girls line, etc)  I remeber a profound feeling of confusion.  I felt that I belonged with the boys (always wandered off to the boys side for recess until the teacher dragged me back to the girls side and tried to explain to me that "that is the boys side, this is the girls side. Would you not rather play here with the other girls?"  Of course not.  I was riddiculed enough by the children at school since I made my mom buy me sporty clothes in dark colors so that I did not look like a girl and had my hair short.  I did not want to intereact with them.   

From there the feeling of confusion grew.  I knew I wanted to be a boy, I prayed every night in the hopes that I would wake up as a boy, but I admantly refused to admit that I was trans.  When I developed breasts, I knew I wanted to remove them.  As for the parts below the belt, I had already dissociated by self from them and still to this day pretend that they do not exist.  Then my mother hit menopause and began to get a little mustache.  I was so jealous.  That was when I decided that I want a historectomy so that I could mimic the same effects of my mother's menopause.  Yet through all this, I still refused to believe that I was trans.

Then on one of those rare instances when I watch television, I was watching one of those Discovery Health things on transsexuals (a two part special one on mtf and the other on ftm; the kind that gets relegated to a slot after 11pm since thats when good children should be asleep >:D).  That was when I thought that maybe I was transsexual and that we are not an abomination to the human race as my parents seemed to think (though my mother's opinion at least is starting to change the more I explain to her).  So then I went on the internet to gather information, came here and finally admitted it and I never felt as free as I did when I did.

Quote
How do you know when you're ready to begin transition?

You just know...

for me as soon as everything clicked over in my brain there was no stopping me.  haven't looked back.  haven't regretted anything except i wish i would have done this ten years ago.

Have always wanted the lumps gone... but i was up in air over hormones.  Wasn't until i sat down with a gender therapist and worked things out that i decided to go on hormones.  Best thing i could have done.  No question.  Mainly it had to do with me getting over my past philosophical issues.

I know that's not really the answer you're looking for, but you'll know.  You'll feel it inside, when the time is right.  Hard to explain.

Quote from: trapthavok on July 04, 2008, 09:04:00 AM
All really great answers guys thanks :)

By the way, for those of you on the T, is it something you have to take ther est of your life?

Well, if you decide to get a hysterectomy, an operation to remove a someones uterus, (which is necessary to become legally male in many countries, especially in Europe) then you will have to be on T for the rest of your life. Or else you'll go through menopause. If you dont get a hysterectomy, then no.  Of course, if you stop hormones, your fat distribution will be female again (around the hips), you will get your period again (at least if you havent been through a natural menopause already). Your hair will also grow slower. Your voice on the other hand wont get higher. I'm not sure if Im missing something, or if I answered your question.

Quote from: trapthavok on July 04, 2008, 12:22:13 AM
How do you know when you're ready to begin transition?

I'm not considering it yet, but I'd like to know what kinds of thoughts went through the minds of those who are going to begin or have already begun transitioning from FtM. Uh, more specifically I guess I want to know how long it took anyone to realize that ops and hrts were what they really wanted, and how they came to the conclusion that male was their true gender.

Are you still happy with your decision?

Just very curious and confused.

When I was a kid, I thought if I was tough enough or strong enough or something enough that I wouldn't grow breasts.  When I did, I knew they had to go...  ASAP.  As for testosterone, I knew i had to start after I'd already self-identified as male and my period kept smacking me back into my physical self.

Well I always knew I was a boy and once reality (puberty) hit and began bleeding and growing breast I started trying to figure it out. I sort of denied it was happening because I couldn't understand it. I met a MTF at 13 and went bingo. I started transitioning and fighting to get treatment. It took me a couple years between each stage (RLT, HRT, Hysto, Top and now SRS) but I always knew I was a boy.

I was happy（sort of) before puberty, during I tried to kill myself no less then once a week, since transitioning I have just gotten happier and happier. Once I have my cock I will be very happy.

For other people who ask when to start, I tell them when you can't live another day in the wrong body and role, when it is either die or do something. Then do it, don't become another suicide statistic. However unless your own mind and soul is compelling you don't do it.

Wow got a lot of replies!!

Well I don't know if I said it here or not but I know I said somewhere that I'm starting with the clothes. I just came back from vacation and on one of the formal nights I tried to ease my family into the idea that I might be trans (without telling them) and wore a mens dress shirt and some pants. My mom was upset....because I had sneakers on LOL

I felt so comfortable though, like I knew the dresses had been all wrong all along...baby steps, but I feel like I really am a boy inside, and it doesn't freak me out anymore. I just worry about the money now  ::)

haa, yea, money is the main issue that halts peoples transitions.

->-bleeped-<-. It's been really recent. It's been a little over a year, and it took until about a month ago for me to really be secure with my identity. Now I'm just still trying to figure the rest out. I want to transition, but do I really? I need to meet some FtMs in person who are on HRT and understand their day to day experience. I need to know if I can handle it.

I know I'll always be some sort of cross dresser (unless I have a sex change, then I won't really be cross dressing anymore). I know this is the life for me. To present myself as male. But... whether or not I need or will be able to use the medical methods is still in question. I really want HRT, but I need to meet with a doctor and a therapist who can help me decide if that is really the right path for me.

Ever since I was really little I didn't identify as female. When I first thought I was transgendered I believed I was a genderqueer of some sort, because deep down if I had the ideal male body I'd probably dress pretty metrosexually. The only reason I don't now is because my female body would only accentuate the femininity of the clothes and I'd look like a "normal girl." My who life my female-ness was in question. It wasn't until I was 17 did I start having serious body dysphoria. I was a late bloomer, so I didn't really start developing breasts until I was 16. When I was 17, they got big enough (though still just an A cup) that I didn't look male-chested anymore. Then I was suddenly very anxious, upset, and disturbed by my body image.

I've never been able to masturbate like a lot of girls do. I tried penetration and it felt weird. Ever have a doctor stick something in your throat, ear, ass, or something? It was like that. It was awkward and felt like it didn't belong. Was I don't it right? Probably not. But I don't dare try again.

My periods always bugged me. "OMG I'M BLEEDING. I'M DYING." Every month. Not just the first time. It was like I forgot I was supposed to have a period. Now it's just like, "I'M DY-- Aw, <not allowed>. I'm on the goddamn rag." The panic is less, but I am still surprised. I keep thinking it's going to stop, and I keep wishing I'd somehow magically grow a penis.

When I was little I would wear boy's and girl's clothes interchangeably. Sometimes boy's pants and a girl's shirt. I'd play with dolls but I'd play with them in the dirt with little trucks. I'd climb trees and play soccer. My mom figured I was just a tomboy. So did I, until later I started having fantasies about being male. I was probably around 8 or 9 years old the first time I had a fantasy, or dream like this. That I was some guy hero-person, doing something amazing. Heck, sometimes I'd even get the girl. But what's weird is that I am not really into girls. Something about being in that gender role was exciting, even though I liked boys. When we'd play "house" and none of the girls wanted to be daddy, I'd insist on being daddy, or the uncle, or something. When I was little I'd play the guy a lot. And I'd enjoy it. The kids thought it was a little weird, but they enjoyed it too.

What made things so deceiving is that I did not protest girl things. Yay, I got a Barbie AND a video game for Christmas. I just liked fun in general. My hair was long when I was little, and I liked it. It was nice to have long hair, and I wanted it to be really long. I don't think that made me more of a girl, but it certainly made me look more like a girl. As I got older, I'd cut my hair every year at the beginning of the year, then let it grow out. Eventually I kept it the length it is now, which is pretty short. Here's a goofy picture of me with my friend Lauren on Prom night. No, she wasn't my date, lol.


Some days I pass better than others... -sigh- That wasn't really one of my days. I'm so short! In case you're wondering, yes, I was the token Elwood that night, as our Prom was at the House of Blues.

Discovering my gender identity was no easy task. I denied it for a long time. "Trans people are freaks! I'm not a freak!" Yeah, I was one of those. I eventually could deny it no longer. I'd been "pretending" I was a boy from childhood... but I realized I'd been pretending I was a girl all this time. To please my parents. To please my friends. To be safe, because I'm a wuss and I'm passive. I lay back and take ->-bleeped-<- from everybody, or at least I used to. I'd be a girl because that's what they wanted, and when I did what they wanted, I got a lot less hassle.

Gender has got nothing to do with flowers, pink, dolls, trucks, blue, skateboards, or ribbons. It's got to do with how we feel inside. I still like fishnets. I don't wear them because I want to pass, but I like them. I like fingernail tips. I wore them one time to see what nails were like (I'm a nail biter) and I liked it. Does that make me less of a guy? No. Does it make me less masculine? Sure. But masculinity isn't everything. I also really like men. Does that make me a woman? No. How do I know the difference? Well, that took a long time to figure out, too. I realized that vaginal sex wasn't going to work. I realized that being in a man's arm and being his sweetie was never going to work. I realized that I could never be a guy's "girlfriend."

Recently I've seen cute short girls and thought, "Ooh, I'd hit that." Then I'd think, "<not allowed>, if I could." No penis. It really is tough to want to do something and then remember that you can't. And I don't just mean sex. But I'd date her, and we'd break up because she wants vaginal sex eventually after we've gotten close. The whole situation is really hard to deal with. I started realizing that I might be bi or maybe even a sort of pansexual.

I did not have these special signs of obvious transness when I was a child. I played with boys and girls. I liked boy and girl things. I seem to like boys and girls and yet I still identify as male. That identification is based on the feeling inside of me, not the stereotypes society gives what I like. I like the male pronouns, the male name, and I want a male body. I may be a bit flamboyant, I might like to sing and dance and paint, I might sometimes even have a "passion for fashion," but being somewhat of a diva certainly doesn't make me less male. It makes me more like a gay guy in a lot of ways. And well, I think that's okay.

On the other hand, some parts of my personality and preferences are very masculine. Even my own family will point out that things about me are quite manly/guyish, and I think people in this forum know how uncomfortable it is for them. My masculinity really varies depending on my mood and the situation. Lately I'm only happy when I'm flamboyant because it works. When I try to be manly, I look like a dumb 15 year old trying to copy his dad. Maybe after T I'll be different... I hope I'll be different.

By the way, Havok, I love the image of you in a dress shirt, slacks, and tennis shoes. It brings a smile to me for some reason, haha. When I first wore a suit (I was Elwood for Halloween last year, WOOHOO!) my mom was very unhappy about it. I wore that same suit to prom (above) and well, she started to get used to the idea. I also wore the same suit to graduation (this is why I bought a nice suit; I could reuse it over and over!) and I've worn it to other various events. The black suit with the black tie and the white shirt has become a bit of a miniature trademark of mine. People know to expect me in that uniform during events. And in the more fun events, I'll bring the fedora and shade and bug some people, ahaha.

I played the guy a lot in games as a kid too. In fact, I was never the girl. And when I began writing my own stories, all the main characters were guys every time. My sister thought I was sexist for a while  ??? haha

That's cool that you had a bit of both worlds. There's a lot I can relate to in what you said, and a lot that I've thought about since I first created this topic. I did the long hair thing in high school then cut my hair short in college, and almost thought I wanted to grow it out again...but realized I have neither the patience nor the interest in my hair.

When I was a kid I played with barbies til one day...I just stopped. Gave them all to my little sister and started requesting action figures and legos. I never saw it as unusual, I just saw it as me losing interest, and I never went back. I always had fun outdoors and I regret that I never got to play a sport because I always wanted to.

I'm kinda watching Avatar though (such a dork) so I keep forgetting my points.  I guess in short, thanks for sharing.

I also didn't want to be different, I wanted to be a girl because it was safe and because I already feel like an outcast, not only outside of my house but in it as well. I relish being different but not so different that I don't fit in, but now I've really stopped caring. It's not about fitting in, it's about being who you are and finding the people who like you for who you are.

I like girls so there's always going to be that question of "aren't you a lesbian?" but it just doesn't feel right for me. The only thing is, my lack of relationships in real life keeps bringing that into question. I've never had a girlfriend or boyfriend so there's always that shadow of a doubt. "How do I know if I've never experienced anything?"

Then I went through the denial too when I first found this site. "I can't be...." But I've already given myself a lot of thought over the past year and a half. First I'd been convinced I was bi, because I still didn't want to be different. But the more I thought about it, the more I realized I really wasn't attracted to guys. Especially not dick. It made me want to hurl, while I thought women were the most attractive beings. I started putting up posters on my wall of women I thought were hot, and added guys in just so I didn't attract attention to myself. After a year of denial, I finally began accepting that I was a lesbian... and then I started thinking about the T in GLBT. I don't remember when it happened, but a couple of weeks after I became fascinated with surgeries and the stories of different FTMs and examining myself, wondering why I was so fascinated with all of it when I could just stay lesbian and not make myself anymore of an outcast than necessary.

But I really couldn't deny it. That's probably why it took me all of my life to "come to terms with being bi" but only a month to come to terms with being a guy. I have been thinking about things long enough that I just realize that I need to do whatever it takes to make myself happy, rather than letting my old mental block get in the way, because that's all it ever did for me was get in the way of my happiness. That whole outcast thing is all in my mind, I just need to be who I really am.

And yeah haha I've become kind of obsessed with thinking about all of this too. I can't stop thinking about it to the point that I feel like I'm always on this site and I'm getting anxious for the day I begin my RLE. I think you said that you were becoming obsessed with your becoming a guy or thinking about being a guy and coming to terms with it somewhere, Elwood, but I've been writing this post for over an hour thanks to the TV and I can't recall. I feel the same way, it's almost all I think about and all I talk about.

And yeah the whole sneakers thing was funny. I kept telling myself not to be mad when it happened because it was funnier than it was irritating (see that short fuse kicking in again..) My mom was going off. "I told you I wanted to know what you were wearing and this was why!!" She was totally distraught. I wear size 7 though so I couldn't find any shoes my size on short notice :(

I really wanted to wear the tux (it looks awesome on you dude) but it was my first time like I said. I did wear the fedora though :) I love those. In fact that outfit's my avatar. That's another thing my mom got pissed at lol "guys don't wear hats to formals!! it's rude!" It almost made me feel like she knew o.O cause for half a second she was treating me like a guy.

Dude. I did that too. Except instead of stories, I made comic books. The protagonist was almost always a guy. I had one comic I did where the main characters were a pair of girls, but they were the only girls in the whole story.

When I was little I had Barbies, Beanie Babies, and a few action figures. I still have my favorite action figure, which was Batman, and my favorite Beanie Baby, Prance the Cat. I gave all my Barbies to my cousin quite a few years ago... long after I'd stopped playing with them. I stopped playing with Barbie sometime in elementary school-- it's easier to sneak smaller toys into my backpack, haha. My brother and I would play with Legos a lot, and other similar building toys. We were both also really into Hotwheels. We'd dig little cities into the front yard and play there.

I understand how you felt. When I was in high school, I tried so hard to be more girly. I even asked my mom if there were estrogen options so I could look more girly (I really look pretty androgynous). I thought if I looked more like a girl I'd feel more like one. Boy, was I wrong. When I started developing more breast, I realized it wasn't the right thing for me at all.

I could say I am not fascinated with being trans. I keep wishing I was just a cis guy. A normal cis guy who had a normal male body. But that seems like it will never happen... at least not the penis part. I have to accept that, as painful as it is for me. I've been so against phalloplasty because of how horrid it looks, but I'm starting to think that phallo might be an option for me... I want to end this dreadful feeling of lacking. Hopefully T will increase the size of my clitoris enough that I don't feel a need to do anything.

I've always been single as well. But I know what I'm attracted to. Primarily guys. But when I see a sweet girl, particularly one that's shorter than me and looks intelligent, I really swell with fantasy. I think to myself, "If I had the right male body, and we were meant for each other... I could be... I don't know... happy." That feeling has lead me to believe that I might be some sort of bisexual. Though, I think sex would probably be a lot more fun with a guy... I think a relationship is probably about a lot more than just sex.

I think you've done the right thing in discovering yourself. It's wonderful that you come through so much. I think future discoveries will gradually get easier, as you're being more and more honest with yourself.

I really have the same thing. On this site on and off all day... hoping to hear more. I joined an FtM group on Yahoo, planning on joining two more... I'm hoping I can get all of this to work. I want to start my RLE and I want to move in the right direction. Then I can start really focusing on the other things I want to do in life... I want to be a comedian. I'm already funny but being a queer confuses people. If I transition, I'll be a man on the inside and outside... then no one will say, "This person isn't a funny as they could be because they confuse the living hell out of me."

Haha, tuxedos are a little too fancy for me. I'm a suit kind of guy. If I was rich, I'd have like 4 or 5 different colored suits. I'd love that so much. Lately I've been trying to get suspenders. I also want sock guarders (because they're goofy as all hell). I love the professional 50's look... it's just really nice.

Yeah. Men have to take their hats off inside. Unless you're Elwood. Then you leave your hat on almost always. ;D Jake and Elwood are really the definition of rudeness in all sorts.


Haha. Boy, do I want to live a moment like that. These guys were on a bloody sauna set. I wonder how they did that. I mean, steam in a studio? What a horrible mess that would have been...

Quote from: Elwood on July 19, 2008, 09:37:57 PM
Dude. I did that too. Except instead of stories, I made comic books. The protagonist was almost always a guy. I had one comic I did where the main characters were a pair of girls, but they were the only girls in the whole story.

This may or may not sound weird, but when I stopped writing I turned to online chat rpgs. It's kind of like writing, in that I'm writing out my character's actions, creating a character from scratch, as well as interacting with other characters so it's almost like writing a collaborative story. So here's the weird part: I did that for about 4 years, up to this summer (I got bored so I stopped recently) but of the 15 characters I've made in 4 years, perhaps 9 of them have been straight males. I pretended to be a guy, even outside of chat when the people I rp'd with would IM me (made a separate screen name and everything) and it never felt more right to me (but of course back then I didn't know why.) I loved all the guy characters I ever made, and I can still name all of them to this day, while I've forgotten most of the girls.

Quote from: Elwood on July 19, 2008, 09:37:57 PM
When I was little I had Barbies, Beanie Babies, and a few action figures. I still have my favorite action figure, which was Batman, and my favorite Beanie Baby, Prance the Cat. I gave all my Barbies to my cousin quite a few years ago... long after I'd stopped playing with them. I stopped playing with Barbie sometime in elementary school-- it's easier to sneak smaller toys into my backpack, haha. My brother and I would play with Legos a lot, and other similar building toys. We were both also really into Hotwheels. We'd dig little cities into the front yard and play there.

Barbies as I said I passed onto my sister around age 7. I had Beanie Babies though >.> a shark, a bull, a dog... I've lost most of them. On Batman I've gotta disagree with you. I always HATED superheroes who didn't have powers. Still do. My cousin always liked playing Batman though (as in he would pretend to be Batman) so I'd always be Robin. I remember that well because once, one of his cousins came to visit and he told the guy I liked playing as Robin, probably just as a conversation piece. His cousin laughed at me and said I couldn't be Robin just because I was a girl and sort of considered me a freak, and I almost felt like socking him in the gut, especially because my cousin never thought that way.

I was into hot wheels too, had a few cars and a small hot wheels city. But eventually I played hot wheels on the computer :) It was my favorite game. Mostly, my favorite thing was power rangers  (there goes the paradox). I suppose they're the only superheroes I ever liked who didn't have powers, and my two favorite characters were Tommy and Kimberly. When Kim left, I stopped watching the show. I think one of my birthday cakes was power rangers cause I used to keep the figurines from my birthday cakes and play with them, and I'll always remember those.

When we used to get those happy meals and things from burger king and mcdonald's, I resented the girl's toy and always requested the guy's cause they always had cooler stuff. I think I got a hot wheels car once from a happy meal, while my sister got a barbie..Once I stopped playing with barbies it was like only 5% of me was female anymore.

Quote from: Elwood on July 19, 2008, 09:37:57 PM
I understand how you felt. When I was in high school, I tried so hard to be more girly. I even asked my mom if there were estrogen options so I could look more girly (I really look pretty androgynous). I thought if I looked more like a girl I'd feel more like one. Boy, was I wrong. When I started developing more breast, I realized it wasn't the right thing for me at all.

Yeah I  got made fun of a lot in high school because at first I didn't care how I looked. Peer pressure and all that made me want to look more girly. It's not that I didn't look like a girl, I just never did my hair (always had it in a poofy ponytail) and I wore jackets and jeans that were twice as big as me. After a while I wanted people to see me as a girl (and not a lesbian) just so I could fit in, so I gradually started buying tighter fitting clothes, though it didn't make me as happy as when I wore the clothes I liked. During high school I always wore sports bras because my older cousin did at some point, and I used to admire her at some point, so I didn't even know I was a B cup. I'd get made fun of by my friends for having a "smaller chest" when it was really the bra making it look smaller, and I even felt pressured about that, like wearing those kinds of things wasn't helping me be girly.

Quote from: Elwood on July 19, 2008, 09:37:57 PM
I've always been single as well. But I know what I'm attracted to. Primarily guys. But when I see a sweet girl, particularly one that's shorter than me and looks intelligent, I really swell with fantasy. I think to myself, "If I had the right male body, and we were meant for each other... I could be... I don't know... happy." That feeling has lead me to believe that I might be some sort of bisexual. Though, I think sex would probably be a lot more fun with a guy... I think a relationship is probably about a lot more than just sex.

Yeah the relationship is about more than sex but sex is an important part too ;) I've always looked at guys with more of a jealous type of stare, and just confused it with an "I'm attracted to them" feeling. I thought I was bi for a while, only because I couldn't accept being different. But I realized I just want to be friends with guys, and all my staring at them is just wishing I could look like that. I've always been attracted to girls but denied it or not understood my feelings, but I'm over that now. The rping I used to do sort of helped me realize that I like girls, but not really from a lesbian perspective. It's more than sex like you said but I'd love to have sex with girls as a guy, rather than a girl, besides being in a relationship with them. I'll never have a penis either no matter how much I'd love to know how it feels to be with a girl that way, but I have to remind myself its not just the sex.

Quote from: Elwood on July 19, 2008, 09:37:57 PM
I think you've done the right thing in discovering yourself. It's wonderful that you come through so much. I think future discoveries will gradually get easier, as you're being more and more honest with yourself.

I really have the same thing. On this site on and off all day... hoping to hear more. I joined an FtM group on Yahoo, planning on joining two more... I'm hoping I can get all of this to work. I want to start my RLE and I want to move in the right direction. Then I can start really focusing on the other things I want to do in life... I want to be a comedian. I'm already funny but being a queer confuses people. If I transition, I'll be a man on the inside and outside... then no one will say, "This person isn't a funny as they could be because they confuse the living hell out of me."

Yeah I feel that way too, thanks. I feel like I've always felt there's been a piece of me missing and I could never figure out what it was, but now that I know I finally feel whole (even though I don't look like a guy...yet). Just knowing is all the difference to me.

I'm on and off this site whether or not I can help it. It's the only site I visit regularly besides online comics. I wanted to join a Trans support group in my city, but the only one close enough meets once a month.. I see my therapist more than that, jeez. I need something that meets at least once a week, but that's a 45 minute drive, and it's for everyone not just trans. I've been to that meeting, at it was just gays and lesbians. I have nothing against them, but I'd like to know at least one trans in real life, FTM or MTF, doesn't matter, just so someone can truly understand where I'm coming from and offer me support and vice versa. I went to IHOP with a few of the lesbians after the only meeting I went to, and it was great. There was just that one moment where they were making fun of one of them not because she dressed like a butch though she was more of a femme, but because she had actually thought (only for a day) about becoming a guy, but had discarded the thought quickly. At that point I got quiet. It was before I came to susans but it was maybe three days after I'd started researching chest ops... I thought it made me weird because I had researched it for more than a day and was seriously considering the possibility and they were making it sound as if it were unusual to do so. I felt out of place.

Quote from: Elwood on July 19, 2008, 09:37:57 PM
Haha, tuxedos are a little too fancy for me. I'm a suit kind of guy. If I was rich, I'd have like 4 or 5 different colored suits. I'd love that so much. Lately I've been trying to get suspenders. I also want sock guarders (because they're goofy as all hell). I love the professional 50's look... it's just really nice.

I LOVE tuxedos, and I want to try suspenders too. I also love ties. I like more relaxed clothing better than dress clothing, but just the fact that I love guy's dress outfits means that I probably wouldn't mind dressing up as much as I'd mind if I were in an actual dress. (I hate the things...)

Haha sock guarders is a step too far for me, but I love the old school look too. You let me know how those sock guarders work out for you  ;)

Quote from: Elwood on July 19, 2008, 09:37:57 PM
Yeah. Men have to take their hats off inside. Unless you're Elwood. Then you leave your hat on almost always. ;D Jake and Elwood are really the definition of rudeness in all sorts.

(https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi5.photobucket.com%2Falbums%2Fy168%2Fpenguin_furuba%2FBluesBros%2Fsaunabeez.jpg&hash=9a685f5c21eed9334a12c701dd6d46881ca7e3db)

Haha. Boy, do I want to live a moment like that. These guys were on a bloody sauna set. I wonder how they did that. I mean, steam in a studio? What a horrible mess that would have been...

Man, don't hate me but I've never seen Blues Brothers  :D So I had no idea Elwood was from that movie. I took my hat off on captain's formal during the cruise, when we went inside just cause my mom had said earlier that guys don't wear their hats inside, but I almost put it back on as soon as I saw another guy walk in with a fedora. I was all "well hell, if he can wear it inside and be exempt from that 'rule' so can I." Lucky for me my cousin borrowed it and tried it on, I let her wear it. Probably woulda gotten a lot of lip from my mom anyway.

I would make a response to everything right here but, I'd take forever and a day for me. :laugh:

I always thought Beanie babies were gender neutral. But I went straight to action figures and things like that. I think the only time I did something that could be considered feminine, was me liking some 'girly' music or ballroom.

But about the creating comics, stories and characters thing... same thing here. Heck, I still RP online and all my online friends think I'm a cisgender male. For a while I felt guilty like I was lying to them, but then I realized that I wasn't lying about being male. I am male, I'm just not physically there yet and thank goodness I look androgynous enough, without much effort, so I can pass in some of my photos. I'll tell them about me being transgendered when I'm ready, just not now.

And about  the shorter girl remark and all that... I don't know what it is, but I find myself even more attracted to a girl if shes short. :laugh:

I'm totally with you guys on the suit and tuxedo thing. I wouldn't mind dressing up if I didn't have to be stuck in a dumb dress.

Dude! As far as "girly" things, I'm one of the few guys who likes musicals :D I only ever knew one other guy in my life who liked them too, but he wasn't as obsessed with them as I am, they're my favorite movie genre and I always put the music from them on my iPod.

I'll probably go back to RPing online when I stop being lazy about all the typing required and the amount of time it takes out of my day. And hey, you tell your friends when you're ready, not a moment before. I felt guilty like I was lying to the girls online too, but in my first experience of "pretending" to be a guy, I think I told them and they stopped talking to me. Guilt abborted.

I like short girls too, seeing as I'm a short guy :D If they're shorter than me? Awesome!

Haha, musicals are awesome! I guess I can add that onto the list.

You should totally hit me up when you get back into it. It'd be nice to RP with someone else who is FTM and all that. But you know, I think it'd be different if you explained that you were transgendered rather than 'pretending', but at that time you wouldn't have known. I think it'd make a world of a difference and I think my friends are understanding enough. I've brought the topic of transgendered people before and they seemed to be ok with it, so I guess when I come out to them it'll be easier.

Somehow, when they get shorter than you, they get a lot more hot.  :laugh:

WOW, Elwood, trapthavok, its good to know others are on the fence about this too. For me, its like sometimes i say to myself "hell yeah, i'm a guy" and other times i say "I think I'm ok in this body". As a kid I don't remember wanting to wake up a boy or even really paying attention to genitalia (but I was pretty sheltered  :laugh: ). I DO remember pretending to shave with a popsicle stick though LOL, probably around age 5.

It was middle school when I tried to look more girly, though I didn't dress sexy or anything. Bad bad memories from that time, and I'm not even sure why - the only thing I can think of was that I was trying to be something I wasn't (gender only being part of that equation). Even through high school I was really shy. I also had a tendency to get obsessed with fictional characters (always male) and be kinda sad or annoyed when i knew that I couldn't be like them. Heck, I still do that sometimes.

After high school, I also started online roleplaying and played various male characters, until one sort of developed himself out of my personality, which is actually my username here as well. It just felt so right, like I knew what it would be like to be male, etc. I should have realized something then, but I didn't think much of it.

My ex gf volunteered for Pride a lot, so she sort of introduced me to the idea of TS, genderqueer, etc and since then I've been trying to figure myself out. my gender ID is androgynous to male, and I don't see that changing if i do end up transitioning. Ever since I can remember, when i think of myself in the future, I see myself as male, too , and correct myself. I....have completely forgotten the point of this post.

I guess in response to "how do you know...?" I don't. I'd like to find out and I guess I'm on the right track to do that (should still get my butt into therapy though). I keep asking myself things like why not just be butch? Why not do everything you want anyway and be a good role model for some little girl? what if god/universe/spirit/fate/karma/whatever put your male-ish spirit in this body as a learning experience? What if being on Susan's so much is making you think about it too much? Will superman be able to fight off the hordes of evil axe-weilding mutant chipmunks from Excelon 5?!

you know, the usual.

there was probably a lot more i was going to say in this, but i forgot.

(this pointless post brought to you by Drain Needs Therapy™)

Quote from: DRAIN on July 23, 2008, 02:22:14 PM
WOW, Elwood, trapthavok, its good to know others are on the fence about this too. For me, its like sometimes i say to myself "hell yeah, i'm a guy" and other times i say "I think I'm ok in this body". As a kid I don't remember wanting to wake up a boy or even really paying attention to genitalia (but I was pretty sheltered  :laugh: ). I DO remember pretending to shave with a popsicle stick though LOL, probably around age 5.

It was middle school when I tried to look more girly, though I didn't dress sexy or anything. Bad bad memories from that time, and I'm not even sure why - the only thing I can think of was that I was trying to be something I wasn't (gender only being part of that equation). Even through high school I was really shy. I also had a tendency to get obsessed with fictional characters (always male) and be kinda sad or annoyed when i knew that I couldn't be like them. Heck, I still do that sometimes.

After high school, I also started online roleplaying and played various male characters, until one sort of developed himself out of my personality, which is actually my username here as well. It just felt so right, like I knew what it would be like to be male, etc. I should have realized something then, but I didn't think much of it.

My ex gf volunteered for Pride a lot, so she sort of introduced me to the idea of TS, genderqueer, etc and since then I've been trying to figure myself out. my gender ID is androgynous to male, and I don't see that changing if i do end up transitioning. Ever since I can remember, when i think of myself in the future, I see myself as male, too , and correct myself. I....have completely forgotten the point of this post.

I guess in response to "how do you know...?" I don't. I'd like to find out and I guess I'm on the right track to do that (should still get my butt into therapy though). I keep asking myself things like why not just be butch? Why not do everything you want anyway and be a good role model for some little girl? what if god/universe/spirit/fate/karma/whatever put your male-ish spirit in this body as a learning experience? What if being on Susan's so much is making you think about it too much? Will superman be able to fight off the hordes of evil axe-weilding mutant chipmunks from Excelon 5?!

you know, the usual.

there was probably a lot more i was going to say in this, but i forgot.

(this pointless post brought to you by Drain Needs Therapy™)

Thanks for the post DRAIN! Haha your post was both amusing AND helpful, despite what you may think. It's always great to know there's other guys out there doubting themselves, even with all the evidence piled against their doubts.

And that's pretty cool about your roleplaying character. Each one I ever made had at least a little bit of me in them, but different bits of my persona. And I know what you mean by it feeling right. I "passed for male" when I was roleplaying as all these characters and I felt like I really knew what I was doing, like it was natural. I should have realized something then too, even when I used to wish I was a character I had created, mind and body (which happened a lot) instead of just playing as them.

QuoteAnd that's pretty cool about your roleplaying character. Each one I ever made had at least a little bit of me in them, but different bits of my persona. And I know what you mean by it feeling right. I "passed for male" when I was roleplaying as all these characters and I felt like I really knew what I was doing, like it was natural. I should have realized something then too, even when I used to wish I was a character I had created, mind and body (which happened a lot) instead of just playing as them.

I haven't role played, but I write novels (unpublishable, but novels anyway) with a male protagonist.  Before I realized my issues, I used to joke that I must have been male in another life.  Little did I know... LOL.

Jay

->-bleeped-<-... About 5 or 6 years ago I joined Sailormoon.com. My account name was Jason and I'd pose as a guy. What's weird is that at the time I had no real shame in it, I didn't think it was weird. Now I look back and I say, "I was so deep in my gender identity, I didn't even realize I was doing it."

As for some of the other posts on page 1, I'll definitely take pictures if/when I get suspenders/sock guarders. Haha. And I don't hate ya, Havok, for not having seen The Blues Brothers. If/when you see it, you'll either love it or hate it. But I think it's worth seeing as it's a cult classic. :)

To get more onto the current topics, I am very into musicals. I am very much obsessed with The Producers right now. I absolutely love it. I can really relate to Leo Bloom's character, you know? Haha.

Quote from: DRAIN on July 23, 2008, 02:22:14 PMWOW, Elwood, trapthavok, its good to know others are on the fence about this too. For me, its like sometimes i say to myself "hell yeah, i'm a guy" and other times i say "I think I'm ok in this body". As a kid I don't remember wanting to wake up a boy or even really paying attention to genitalia (but I was pretty sheltered  :laugh: ). I DO remember pretending to shave with a popsicle stick though LOL, probably around age 5.

Lol. I never pretended to shave or anything. The whole idea horrified me before I tried it. The day I tried it, I had to reassure myself, "I'm JUST seeing what it's like... okay? I wouldn't be the first female to ever see what it's LIKE..." Yeah, I am a guy, but I'm in a female body, and sometimes I just wonder if shaving is "over compensating." But it really isn't. Removing the peach fuzz gives a more masculine look... And it feels pretty, haha. I seriously can't wait to go to Southern California and let Mary feel my face. She'll think it's hilarious. (Mary's a good friend of mine.)

Quote from: DRAIN on July 23, 2008, 02:22:14 PMIt was middle school when I tried to look more girly, though I didn't dress sexy or anything. Bad bad memories from that time, and I'm not even sure why - the only thing I can think of was that I was trying to be something I wasn't (gender only being part of that equation). Even through high school I was really shy. I also had a tendency to get obsessed with fictional characters (always male) and be kinda sad or annoyed when i knew that I couldn't be like them. Heck, I still do that sometimes.

I went through the exact same phase, except I wanted to be a slut. Not sexually, but I wanted to look like one, you know? I thought if I was a total diva, I wouldn't want to be a boy anymore. I'd know what it was like to "enjoy womanhood." After all, "Girls just wanna have fun."

As for male characters, I'm still obsessed. I aspire not to be the character, though. I want to be like the actor, able to portray colorful, three-dimensional characters on screen with charm and variety.

Quote from: DRAIN on July 23, 2008, 02:22:14 PMI guess in response to "how do you know...?" I don't. I'd like to find out and I guess I'm on the right track to do that (should still get my butt into therapy though). I keep asking myself things like why not just be butch? Why not do everything you want anyway and be a good role model for some little girl? what if god/universe/spirit/fate/karma/whatever put your male-ish spirit in this body as a learning experience? What if being on Susan's so much is making you think about it too much? Will superman be able to fight off the hordes of evil axe-weilding mutant chipmunks from Excelon 5?!

Being butch isn't good enough if you're a man. You don't have to transition MEDICALLY (no one's saying T is right for you) but if you're a man, you're probably going to want to be acknowledged as one, you know? I originally thought I could settle with "dyke" too but I realized that I'd be hardly any different than Ellen DeGeneres, a very funny, charming comedian who is a femme butchy kind of lesbian girl. She's amazing. But she's a she. I'm a he. That's really the thing that makes us different.

Man, I love Ellen. She's so cool... haha.

Nice to hear from you, Drain. Don't think I've seen you before.

thanks :D. I stick the the chat for the most part.

Oh snap, Elwood, I was big into Sailor moon too... actually I still am. I kind of grew out of anime and I don't really go searching for it anymore, but I've never lost my interest in Sailor moon.

Its really is funny though, when you get real deep into your true identity that you don't even realize what you've done. It doesn't seem like lies or deceit, and in a way, they really aren't lies at all. Except for making things up about it, which I don't do anymore... I hate lying. I just act naturally, I don't need anything extra to prove I'm masculine.

And Drain, about the Popsicle stick thing, I used to do that in the bath tub with bubbles. I'd make a beard and pretend to shave. :laugh:

I grew out of anime sometime last year. But I'll always love the classics. Sailor Moon, Lupin III, Project Ako, The Guyver, etc.

It's so weird. I didn't even realize it until just then, when I was typing that post. I remembered that for many months I "pretended" to be a guy named Jason. I really need to tell my therapist about that! I was cross dressing and "pretending" to be a boy for much longer than I thought.

I remembered being into Sailor Moon. My favorite character was Tuxedo Mask (surprise surprise). I stopped watching anime a couple of years ago, it just got to be an irritating fad and all the animes I used to watch got boring to me.

Quote from: Elwood on July 23, 2008, 11:21:55 PM
It's so weird. I didn't even realize it until just then, when I was typing that post. I remembered that for many months I "pretended" to be a guy named Jason. I really need to tell my therapist about that! I was cross dressing and "pretending" to be a boy for much longer than I thought.

In kindergarten I always signed my name as (Name) Max (Last Name). Though I feel like I've said that somewhere before. I just kept insisting that my middle name was max, even though it's not. Then when I was a little older and learned about reincarnation for the first time, I hoped that if it were real I'd come back in the next life as a boy. :)

I liked them all, to be honest.

And I of course was impressed that Uranus could change into a man whenever she/he wanted.

As for reincarnation, I won't depend on it. I intend on being a man in this life.

I personally liked Neptune because I had a lot in common with her... but I also felt like I had a few things in common with Uranus. I like them as a couple. :laugh: If I were meant to be a 'woman', I'd probably be something like her. Its kind of weird to say that because of my physical appearance, but I think you guys get what I mean.

Uranus didn't actually physically change, but she was a bit of a cross dresser and people would mistake her for a male. In some dubs, they made it so she 'changed.' because they didn't want a homosexual relationship between Neptune and Uranus shown in their countries. Its funny how much they censored that.

I'm with Elwood on the reincarnation thing, but for me its heaven. In heaven I know I'll be male and everything will be better, but I want surgery in this life. If a bone is broken, fix it! Thats my take anyway. :)

I don't have anything in common with any of the characters...  :-\ I guess I have Mars' temper.

I thought Uranus did physically change in the manga... I could be wrong, though. It's been a long time.

Man, I don't even believe in any of that religious stuff. No heaven or anything for me. When I die, it's lights out for me.

Nah, she was even less butch in the manga. It was the starlights that changed in the anime.

QuoteYeah the relationship is about more than sex but sex is an important part too Wink I've always looked at guys with more of a jealous type of stare, and just confused it with an "I'm attracted to them" feeling. I thought I was bi for a while, only because I couldn't accept being different. But I realized I just want to be friends with guys, and all my staring at them is just wishing I could look like that. I've always been attracted to girls but denied it or not understood my feelings, but I'm over that now.

THAT'S EXACTLY HOW IT HAPPENED WITH ME! lol, man that was an annoying period in my life -_- *raises hand* Mad love for the Musicals also! XD I keep playing 'Wicked' on repeat. Gelphie is WIN.

Uranus/Haruka, was always a girl, she just passed as a guy all the time :3 Some of the other translations, like the French one I think, made her a guy so that it was more okay for her to be with Mercury/Michiru.

Oh, okay. That's why I'm confused. I've read/watched Sailor Moon in several languages. I used to watch it en Español und Deutsch.

Quote from: kestin on July 28, 2008, 01:53:10 AM

QuoteYeah the relationship is about more than sex but sex is an important part too Wink I've always looked at guys with more of a jealous type of stare, and just confused it with an "I'm attracted to them" feeling. I thought I was bi for a while, only because I couldn't accept being different. But I realized I just want to be friends with guys, and all my staring at them is just wishing I could look like that. I've always been attracted to girls but denied it or not understood my feelings, but I'm over that now.

THAT'S EXACTLY HOW IT HAPPENED WITH ME! lol, man that was an annoying period in my life -_- *raises hand* Mad love for the Musicals also! XD I keep playing 'Wicked' on repeat. Gelphie is WIN.

Uranus/Haruka, was always a girl, she just passed as a guy all the time :3 Some of the other translations, like the French one I think, made her a guy so that it was more okay for her to be with Mercury/Michiru.

Haha, I agree, it was annoying cause I couldn't understand the mixed signals in my brain. I wanted to see Wicked :( I was in Chicago and everything too....

I only saw the English dubbed version and they passed Uranus off as a guy or something. I don't know, it always confused me when I watched it as a kid, I was like "is it a guy or girl?!?!"