Wondering about dating, if I ever get to do it.
If you're hoping for more than one date or more than a one night stand...do you tell the person you're going out with that you're transgendered? If so, when? The first date? The tenth date? After it gets serious? Lol
Just curious.
I haven't had a date yet now that I'm full time, but I have asked myself this question quite a few times.
I suspect I would tell them sometime during the first date. If a chance doesn't arise I would most certainly
tell them on the second date. I just wouldn't feel comfortable with them not knowing for two reasons:
1) I'd feel like I'm hiding a piece of myself. I don't necessarily want to be seen as trans my whole life, but I'm
hoping to find someone who sees it as just another interesting aspect of who I am while still seeing me as a girl.
How possible this is, I don't know.
2) I'd rather get it over with before I get too attached just in case they don't react well.
Curiosity got the best of me...I have an FTM buddy who told support group a couple of weeks ago that he has a serious girlfriend. I don't know how long he's been with her, but he also said he only told her recently that he's FTM. I feel that's gotta come as a shock if you've been dating someone long enough....
I agree with you Sarah, I feel like they should know. For your own benefit, as well as theirs.
I think it's going to depend on the situation and the person and how serious it is.
I'm not one for casual sex, so I doubt I'll tell everyone right up front, probably not even after kissing and making out. I'll probably tell if a) I'm seriously smitten and think things will go far or b) if I think things might get intimate.
I figure I can broach the subject about having a birth defect I need them to know about, and then tell them I was born without a penis. Depending on the result of that bombshell, decide how much more I should divulge. If I get an ew, gross, bad reaction, no sense telling them I'm trans! If they seem open and receptive and respectful and still interested I'll reveal the rest.
But then, I have to find a date first. Sigh...
Jay
I haven't quite explained it yet to the girl I'm seeing. I don't pass and she just assumes I'm butch.
I don't really know if or when I'll be able to transition, so I don't see the point of bringing the whole ftm aspect into it yet. No point in her worrying about what I'm going to look like when it probably won't happen for a long time. If and when I get serious about her, I'll tell her. I just don't see the point at this stage of the relationship.
As for if and when I ever pass - I'd say something right away, mainly because I want everything to flow if something happens. I don't want a girl all over me just to freak when she gets to my crotch. Best do it up front. Even if we waited to become intimate, I just couldn't date someone and have them think I've got different anatomy or history than I do. It would feel like playing a role all over again.
I am out and pretty open about the whole thing so my current partners knew before anything happened.
I am not yet full time, so I have not been dating, but I think that I would not necessarily tell them right away. I would want to see if it could be more than a couple of dates. If it looked like It was becoming something serious, then I would have a heart to heart and tell them that I care for them and would like to continue seeing them and then the big But. If they were TS/TG and I knew it then I would most likely be open.
But I am open, for now, so the chances are that if someone has asked me out on a date, a real date not just drinks or lunch, then I am pretty sure they already know.
Janet
Quote from: sneakersjay on August 19, 2008, 08:51:07 PM
But then, I have to find a date first. Sigh...
I'm in the same boat as you bro :(
Right after we're open about being interested in each other. With my ex, the night we were both like, yeah I like you, I was just like well, now is probably a good time to mention that I'm an androgyne [Which I believed at the time]. She was bigender/questioning so I guess it was bound to be okay.
I guess it's more complicated now that only the lesbians think they have a chance at me. Trying to change the lesbian label to "confusing" at the moment. Urgh.
Quote from: Nero on August 19, 2008, 09:04:24 PM
I haven't quite explained it yet to the girl I'm seeing.
It's so great to read that posted by you, Nero.
For me, it was a blessing being in a small town. Stuff gets around places that you have no idea it's gone. My gf already knew before I told her. We had a bit of a convo about bottom surgery, whether I'd had it or not and she said she'd rather I hadn't because she'd rather I was responsive and was concerned about the risks of bottom surgery. Then, when things got more intimate, we had a convo about whether I was bothered about being touched in certain areas. Otherwise, my big anxiety turned into a non-event cause she'd already known and researched it.
My plan was to try and bring it up after a few dates when it looked like things were getting more serious.
Dennis
U tell em b4 u get to confy ;)
In the wilder days of my youth (a LONG time ago), I didn't tell anybody. I wasn't interested in settling down so it wasn't their business. I married the first time "in stealth" but that was already doomed for other reasons. I didn't tell anybody until things got serious with the guy who would become my second husband. He took it extremely well and became even more protective of me. (That marriage lasted 12 years and also broke up for other reasons.)
I have dated a bit in the past few years and my straight male friend says to tell early and don't waste time with the XXXXX if he has a problem with it. I, on the other hand, don't feel comfortable talking about it unless the relationship has developed to the point where I feel it might 'go somewhere' or lead to intimacy. Of the guys I dated, I told two and both did a runner.
I think it's a crap shoot! Do what you feel is best and see what happens. At my age, most men can't handle it.
I believe that I wouldn't say it right away. It is never good to dump baggage on someone as soon as you start dating. It feels like you're chasing them away. But I would tell them earlier than well, close intimacy occurred.
Quote from: SarahR on August 19, 2008, 08:33:47 PM
I haven't had a date yet now that I'm full time, but I have asked myself this question quite a few times.
I suspect I would tell them sometime during the first date. If a chance doesn't arise I would most certainly
tell them on the second date. I just wouldn't feel comfortable with them not knowing for two reasons:
1) I'd feel like I'm hiding a piece of myself. I don't necessarily want to be seen as trans my whole life, but I'm
hoping to find someone who sees it as just another interesting aspect of who I am while still seeing me as a girl.
How possible this is, I don't know.
2) I'd rather get it over with before I get too attached just in case they don't react well.
Unfortunately, telling this early also gives them a convenient way out and you are left to pick up the pieces after exposing yourself. :(
I've been thinking about dating a lot recently. I've reached a point in my life, and perhaps my transition, where I'd like to have a partner, but I'm not sure how or even where to begin looking for one. I was pretty introverted for most of my adolescence, and I'm pretty sure I don't "get" the concept of dating at all. I've talked to some of my gg girlfriends about hooking up. Most are hetero and don't want to, a few who are bi, or lesbian like me are either taken, and the ones that aren't haven't expressed any interest.
My biggest problem I think, is that since I've decided only on an Orchi, that if I'm dating someone and become intimate with them, then we might run into problems. I think that's why I've "avoided" dating: I'm afraid that I'll either a.) fall for a friend and they won't feel the same and it'll ruin the relationship, or b.) If I were to become intimate with someone I've only been dating for a while, they might hurt me physically if they find out, and that's what really scares me. I've heard too many horror stories of women like me who've not told, and were beaten up or worse. I don't want that to happen to me.
Jenn
Quote from: fae_reborn on August 20, 2008, 06:01:46 PM
I've been thinking about dating a lot recently. I've reached a point in my life, and perhaps my transition, where I'd like to have a partner, but I'm not sure how or even where to begin looking for one. I was pretty introverted for most of my adolescence, and I'm pretty sure I don't "get" the concept of dating at all. I've talked to some of my gg girlfriends about hooking up. Most are hetero and don't want to, a few who are bi, or lesbian like me are either taken, and the ones that aren't haven't expressed any interest.
My biggest problem I think, is that since I've decided only on an Orchi, that if I'm dating someone and become intimate with them, then we might run into problems. I think that's why I've "avoided" dating: I'm afraid that I'll either a.) fall for a friend and they won't feel the same and it'll ruin the relationship, or b.) If I were to become intimate with someone I've only been dating for a while, they might hurt me physically if they find out, and that's what really scares me. I've heard too many horror stories of women like me who've not told, and were beaten up or worse. I don't want that to happen to me.
Jenn
Funny thing is, some of what you said applies to me too. I've been introvert most of my life until now, I'm finally starting to come out of my skin... Still, it doesn't mean I suddenly know where it is I'm supposed to meet people. It sucks that sometimes I tell my friend I'm doing online searches but not finding anyone, she asks like she's interested and wants to join too, then goes "oh no! online dating is dumb!" That's great, I'm glad people like you don't have trouble meeting people but maybe the rest of us do, okay? Don't judge me. I've also given whether or not I'm actually looking for a date or sexual interactions...and realized that I'm really more interested in the idea of a girlfriend than I am in the actual act of sex, no matter how often I crack sex jokes.
But I'm also afraid of putting myself out on the line. I'm not going to out myself right away to whoever I date but I don't want to wait too long, like...say when I begin to get attached either. It's a tricky decision...
Oh yeah and I'm only attracted to women (bio or not) and I only have lesbian friends :-/ Wouldn't be a problem if my brain wasn't telling me I'm not one of them..
For anybody who's interested, I happened to discuss this topic with my therapist earlier this week. (I started seeing a therapist a couple of months ago to lay to rest some childhood ghosts and it has continued into 'improving life' stuff.)
I am 59 and I find that most men in my age range are REALLY narrow minded and homophobic. For them, finding that they are seeing someone who wasn't "born normal female" can be quite disturbing so my last session dealt with how to bring it up with a man without panicking him.
My therapists' advice was "go slow, in small steps, watch his reaction, and don't go to the next step until he is ready". As she said, we have had years to adjust to all this and think about it so it is going to take some time for the guy to comfortably cover the same ground.
Her suggested steps were:
1 - let him get to know you and avoid any emotional connection for awhile (both ways)
2 - go some place where you are likely to encounter Gays, Lesbians, or other "non-standard people" and see what his reaction is. Make a favourable comment to show your openness (if you have to) to see how he feels about such things
3 - don't just TELL him about your past in one great swoop - lead into it slowly. You can mention "a troubled childhood" but don't go into details. Later, when he asks, add more detail, and slowly work up to the whole truth.
4 - Give him time to digest the information at every step and don't go forward until he is comfortable.
Since I have just met somebody new, it is time to try this out and see if it works (provided I don't jump his bones at the first opportunity! :o )
Quote from: Mnemosyne on August 19, 2008, 09:15:23 PM
I am out and pretty open about the whole thing so my current partners knew before anything happened.
I am just going to "Ditto" as it is easier; Most of my interaction is textual which helps, but the setup is the same.
I've never told any guy I've dated, but I'm really new to the concept and nothing serious has lasted beyond the 3rd date (I'm fussy).
And yes I've had sex a couple of times on a "one night stand" without feeling any obligation to tell .
Sure I have my "perfect guy" who I've been out with a dozen times but all he seems to want is friendship ... maybe I just don't turn him on ... maybe he's "read" me and is too polite to tell ?
Tomorrow I have my 5th date with with John, who really fancies me but is ever so shy and inexperienced (he's never pushed me for sex and he's clumsy with even kissing !), I know so many of his friends and he seems so proud to introduce me to them ... but his friends are all more interesting than he is (but all taken) ... and I do need a guy to have common cultural interests and a higher status better paid job than me - which creates problems.
As its a relationship probably going nowhere but longterm friendship there's no pressure to tell, but I feel bad that I'm using this really nice guy to gain experience and to hook into a social circle where I might just meet someone better.
When do I tell ... I've never reached that point ... and when I do I guess I expect rejection from any desirable guy.
Maybe John would accept me (I feel he might) but then I feel that like so many TS women I would be compromising my partnership prospects just because I'm a TS woman ?
Laura x
The problem with telling slowly is that most men and women I know in this
province do a LOT of physical contact by the third date... So... That's not
a lot of time to take it slow.
The whole thing just sucks.
Ugh. I'm pretty worried. Maybe I should just wait until top surgery before I try to date people. :'( A girl or guy will got for my chest before they try to get into my pants for sure.
Quote from: Elwood on August 24, 2008, 02:36:38 PM
Ugh. I'm pretty worried. Maybe I should just wait until top surgery before I try to date people. :'( A girl or guy will got for my chest before they try to get into my pants for sure.
I don't think someone would do that if they respected you, and if you told them you didn't want to be touched there. Otherwise they're not worthy of your time sweetie.
Jenn
Quote from: fae_reborn on August 24, 2008, 02:40:53 PMQuote from: Elwood on August 24, 2008, 02:36:38 PMUgh. I'm pretty worried. Maybe I should just wait until top surgery before I try to date people. :'( A girl or guy will got for my chest before they try to get into my pants for sure.
I don't think someone would do that if they respected you, and if you told them you didn't want to be touched there. Otherwise they're not worthy of your time sweetie.
Jenn
I guess. But if I didn't have tits, I wouldn't mind! D:<
Quote from: Elwood on August 24, 2008, 02:50:21 PM
I guess. But if I didn't have tits, I wouldn't mind! D:<
*take them away and gives you muscular pecks* There you go sweetie! ;D
Jenn
Quote from: Keira on August 24, 2008, 05:20:17 AM
The problem with telling slowly is that most men and women I know in this
province do a LOT of physical contact by the third date... So... That's not
a lot of time to take it slow.
The whole thing just sucks.
Ain't that the truth. I can't recall being on a first date where I didn't at least feel the guy up (up not down :P).
Quote from: fae_reborn on August 24, 2008, 03:08:50 PMQuote from: Elwood on August 24, 2008, 02:50:21 PMI guess. But if I didn't have tits, I wouldn't mind! D:<
*take them away and gives you muscular pecks* There you go sweetie! ;D
Jenn
Lol.
Quote from: Elwood on August 24, 2008, 02:36:38 PM
Ugh. I'm pretty worried. Maybe I should just wait until top surgery before I try to date people. :'( A girl or guy will got for my chest before they try to get into my pants for sure.
I feel ya there Dan (no pun intended). I don't think I could've dated before top surgery. People always want to grab there, whether you're male or female and it drove me nuts pre-transition, although I didn't know why. You'd probably have to do a lot of talking and have a really understanding partner, but it could be done I guess. I'm just not a talky-feely kinda guy so it would've been too much for me to do.
At least most people will wait a respectful amount of time before attempting a crotch-grab and you can at that stage talk about it.
Dennis
Quote from: Dennis on August 25, 2008, 12:03:06 AMQuote from: Elwood on August 24, 2008, 02:36:38 PMUgh. I'm pretty worried. Maybe I should just wait until top surgery before I try to date people. :'( A girl or guy will got for my chest before they try to get into my pants for sure.
I feel ya there Dan (no pun intended). I don't think I could've dated before top surgery. People always want to grab there, whether you're male or female and it drove me nuts pre-transition, although I didn't know why. You'd probably have to do a lot of talking and have a really understanding partner, but it could be done I guess. I'm just not a talky-feely kinda guy so it would've been too much for me to do.
At least most people will wait a respectful amount of time before attempting a crotch-grab and you can at that stage talk about it.
Dennis
Yeah... I personally, if I had the right body, would go into physical stuff pretty quickly. I have a strong desire to hug and hold people, but I feel like I can't.
Yeah, I don't really think I can start dating until well into HRT and more likely after SRS. As for the telling part, there's always that risk that they won't take it well and will be like "You had me fooled." Then it's just a heartbreaker. But when you have the right stuff to back up that you really are what you say you are and not what you were it's probably a lot easier to handle.
I can say for the girls out there: I do not mind pre-transitioned transgirls. At all. I've met a few, and no matter how "boy" they looked, I could NEVER see them as boys. One girl still had short hair so she could pass as a boy at school. But when I met her, she was in a dress. Even though she had big arms and was much taller than me, I didn't care. I saw beauty in her. For some reason, I just don't know what it is, whether or not a transgirl passes seems very irrelevant in my mind. I have met one who passed very well... she looked like a 15 year old girl. I was just like, "She a she? She's got to be." In the beginning when I first met trans people in person, I was very curious what they identified as. One transgirl I know looks totally guy-ish. Short hair, wears boys clothes. I called her a "he" once and felt really stupid. Then again, I wasn't sure because she is in the beginning of things still figuring things out... Now that I know, I can just totally not see her as a guy no matter how much she looks that way. I think she hasn't femmed up because her parents might not know...
It never crosses my mind that a transgendered person has me fooled. If they completely pass, I just think to myself, "Wow, they're totally themselves from the inside out. That's amazing."
People I'm interested in already know about me. I don't like not having what I am out in the open, and its mostly for my sake. I also don't like the idea of, "Winning people over," like they are some toy or something. The person I want will like me, and thats it. I want someone I'm already a great friend with, and one I'm close to. My handicap from being TG is something I tell them because I trust them, and the trust there is what makes me really love them if they accept me. Its almost a test to an extent. I'm not gonna get the terrible moment of finally making out and being found out, and then them not understanding and not only would it be bad for them from me, but also TO ME.
I'm really protecting myself as well to an extent.
That does make a lot of sense. I still wear a lot of boy clothes because they're what I happen to have and I'm not going to invest the money in girl clothes that fit me now but might not later on. I guess when the time comes, I'll have to tell because i want them to find out on my terms and not from someone else.
Soldierjane,
I agree with you. Have we all not dated someone once or twice, and then something happened that really gave us an idea of who that person was? And then we were saying "Wow, I 'm glad nothing more happened with that person."
The point is you do not have to have the physical part of the relationship up front.
Even as a guy, sex on the third date is kinda pushing it, and yes I had had many one-nighters, but never with anyone that was going to last.
The reason my past GF and I hit it off so well was because she gave me time to understand who she was inside, before the truth was revealed.
And I am glad, because I otherwise would have been focused only on the TS thing.
I was told after a couple dates that he (who should be a she, I'm not fully aware of proper terms yet, sorrrrry!!!) is. I have no problem with it.
Quote from: Nero on August 24, 2008, 03:42:16 PM
Quote from: Keira on August 24, 2008, 05:20:17 AM
The problem with telling slowly is that most men and women I know in this
province do a LOT of physical contact by the third date... So... That's not
a lot of time to take it slow.
The whole thing just sucks.
Ain't that the truth. I can't recall being on a first date where I didn't at least feel the guy up (up not down :P).
I get pretty physical with most guys I find half attractive even on a first date, or should I say the guys get really physical with me ! (very intimate touching / caressing, beyond just serious kissing) ...
I've met a new guy with who I'm about ready to have sex after just three dates (unlike "shy" John who I've been out with a dozen times and the issue has never arisen, and I wonder if it ever will ... yes I'm running two boyfriends right now !).
But I wouldn't want to have sex without the guy knowing of my past if I thought he was a relationship prospect.
Seems like a matter of basic honesty, as I'm not "stealth" if he ends up meeting family or old friends.
Am I wrong ? Would going the "whole way" hook him even further on me ? Or would it maybe even be inviting a possible violent reaction if he took it badly ... he's a strong guy ... more so than if it had just been kissing and foreplay ... ???
Its soo difficult. Wish I knew the answers.
Laura x
If you kiss someone on a first date and its fun, that he turns out
not to be mister right on the third, so what!! He could also
turn out not to be mister right on the third, fifth, seventh, or hundred date.
If I kiss a guy, do I have to tell him? There's little chance I won't kiss
a guy I really liked at the end of the first date or at most second date.
Does it mean I've got to tell on the first or second date?
Am I bad because I don't declare all on the first date, should I come
with a warning?
Girls,
I have an interesting story that will fit here. I have met a guy on line. Thru MySpace. My MySpace says that I am pre-op MtF, but I dont think that he realizes what that means. I dont wish to scare him off but shouldn't I clear the air?
Janet
Quote from: Janet Lynn on September 01, 2008, 07:46:45 PM
Girls,
I have an interesting story that will fit here. I have met a guy on line. Thru MySpace. My MySpace says that I am pre-op MtF, but I dont think that he realizes what that means. I dont wish to scare him off but shouldn't I clear the air?
Janet
OMFG can I add you on MySpace? :P
This question been puzzling me too. Lately, I've been telling people from the start but doesn't seem to work. I've meet other transgender m->f who say they want a real guy. I've met gay men who want a real guy. I've even met women but they want a real man also!! And since I still have, well you know what, it seems like finding a straight man would be even harder. So I just don't know what to do? I don't care what gender the other person is if we connect. Am I the only one?! hehe I do understand you can only be into what your into. I'll just have to keep searching. ???
It's all such a mess! It really shouldn't matter about what you were (physically), only what you ARE as a person, but it doesn't work that way for straight people or even a lot of Gays and Lesbians.
I just wish I could meet a nice trans-guy - then it wouldn't be an issue - just settle down and grow old together.
Well, in the area I'm in and becasue the school system hated me I was outed while and in the early stages of going full-time.
I ended up in the early stages (being only 15 when the world in my eyes was innocent) not telling men and then assuming they'd break up with me I just moved on to the next one (a serial dater as it were)
Then, men started to actually want that SOMETHING from me that I was not ready or willing to give. So I ended up letting them go without explanation. When I turned 16 I found a guy who was everything for me, I told him after dating him for a MONTH. Yes, it's true. and He stayed with me until some unfortunate events forced us apart.
Well, then around 16-18 I started to just tell people straight out. People were quite receptive actually. There were those who didn't believe me. Those who laughed and left. Those who supported me. Those who encouraged me. Some said I was comendable, others just said nothing. Some lied and said "Let's just be friends" and then disappeard from my life completely.
But then, recently I met a man who I absoloutly fell in love with, and still am even though I shouldn't. He was 22 and known around our town as sort of a "man-whore" who basically would have sex with any girl he could get his hands on. But I was the girl he ignored. One day, he texted me and we hung out. Next thing I knew, I was dating him. We spent every waking moment together. I moved in with him, his son and his parents.
He had a 4 year old with one of his previous girlfriends and I loved that child with all my heart. He was straight and I knew it. He was also the most attractive guy to date that I had ever gone out with. I loved him so much. Well, after dating him for a while and only giving the conventional way of sex to him that I knew how, he asked why I never offered him the other type. He said he loved the bjs but there's more to sex than that, where was my satisfaction?
I didn't know what to say and that night, I told him. Tears filled his eyes and he basically through tears said "I can't blame you for that, I really want to be with you" I fell in love that night. And we dated for a year... it's over now. Partially becasue he felt ashamed of being my boyfriend. His friends talked about me and made fun of him. People we didn't even know pointed and laughed. It was too much for him. He started to cheat on me with actual girls, and started to break commitments, we fought constantly, but he claimed he still loved me. There were other things wrong, but I would rather not bring them up.
Basically, I was in a bad relationship with a good person. Becasue now he treats me like it never happened. Which is sad.
Woah, I did NOT meant to write that much...But I think you can avoid a lot of heart-ache and probably complications if you just tell them. If they don't like you, it's no sweat off your back, there are more people out there and they're just waiting for you.
The only thing to keep in mind though is, "just becasue they accept you, does not make them right for you" Just becasue he accepted me, doesn't mean he'll be the one I want in the end.
Quote from: sneakersjay on August 19, 2008, 08:51:07 PM
I'll probably tell if a) I'm seriously smitten and think things will go far or b) if I think things might get intimate.
I agree with Jay too.
However after starting to chatting to a few girls nothing serious I told them straight away if I chat to them online threw an profile site it says on there that I am trans.. and they have been fine with it.
I dont know I just dont want to be seen as female. But I want them to know I am a man without all the equitment too!
I do agree with Keira in most respects, and still feel very strongly that you all should wait to tell the other.
I feel that you are robbing yourself of a possible relationship, and them of getting to know you.
My ex-girlfriend/now good friend gave me the chance to know who she was first, and then after the initial physical contact(one and one half months later.)she sat me down and revealed to me the truth.
And yes I have had many sexual relationships that I was just after the physical, but as Keira mentioned, they could have turned into something real if things were right.
Seems like some of you are trying to take traditional approaches to non-traditional situations.
None of us can tell you exactly what to do in the situations you are in, but you are there, and you better than we have the ability make the right call. Even if it's only a one night stand.
Be confident and remember you have made it this far, and don't be afraid to go out date, if thats what is in your heart.
Quote from: Northern Jane on September 24, 2008, 04:40:32 AM
It's all such a mess! It really shouldn't matter about what you were (physically), only what you ARE as a person, but it doesn't work that way for straight people or even a lot of Gays and Lesbians.
I just wish I could meet a nice trans-guy - then it wouldn't be an issue - just settle down and grow old together.
Exactly!