Ever since I started my current relationship (with a great friend and transsexual) I've been questioning my own gender identity. At first, it was just subtle attempts at femininity, not that I wasn't already self-described as very effeminate. In recent months it all snowballed, and turned into an avalanche of depression. I was so sick of questioning myself that I made it my summer objective to discover who I was. Needless to say, no person can figure themselves out in two mere months. I was no exception, and the depression just got worse.
I have always been quite depressed, and antisocial. I figure that the two go hand in hand. The only difference is that this time I can pinpoint the cause of my depression. It is simply the frustration at not knowing what I am.
A ton of signs pointed to androgyny, leaving me delighted at the thought. To me, I fit so perfectly into the spot that it was frightening. No longer would I need to play at attempts to fit a girl role (because I obviously wasn't masculine enough for any guy). I could be just happy at in the middle. And I was, for a bit. After changing my appearance (both physical and impressionable) more so to fit my gender identity, I had another break down. It wasn't the typical outward mental breakdown, but more of a self-reflective deal. In more recent days I've been finding ways to distract myself from all the issues. But every now and then (or more like every day) I sit down and take a long look at myself.
I've even tried crossdressing, after intending to do so for a bit. Even that wasn't for me, and more like a right of initiation to my own terms. Regardless, I felt quite blissful when I was able to further feminize my already androgynous appearance. I wouldn't say that crossdressing or looking feminine is the only way to make me happy, but it sure helps. I take good enjoyment in interacting, dressing, and passing as a girl. When someone "mistakes" my gender, I experience incredible joy. I can't tell if it is a taboo-high or the love of acceptance, though. Mentally, I always take steps to act as girly as possible, with my dialogue and interactions. This tends to cause conflict with the defaults hard-wired in my head, so I can understand why I can't make every effort natural.
I've already decided that I want laser hair removal on most of my body hair (if possible). I'm completely repulsed at the thick hair that grows on my arms and legs, but shaving is incredibly difficult for me. My voice is terrible too, but there is little I can do to change my soft, but deep tone. I plan on paying for a tracheal shave if I think I need one once my body is complete with its development.
Sometimes I ask if this is just some sort of hormonal issue. I'm only starting Highschool, and countlessly have I been told that these are some of the most moody years I'll go through. Then again, I see people discover themselves throughout the struggle of natural hormonal development, and never regret their decisions in the end. Is there any way I can answer these plaguing questions?
Hi Skymning,
I am not sure if you got a proper "Welcome", so..............
Welcome to our little family. Over 1800 strong. That would be one heck of a family reunion. Feel free to post your successes/failures, Hopes/dreams. Ask questions and seek answers. Give and receive advice.
But remember we are family here, your family now. And it is always nice to have another member.
As to your current gender identity, as always go see a GID therapist, it is the best place to start. You said your friend is TS, talk to them. But there is nothing wrong with androgyny. Many of our members are androgynous, and many of our members are CD.
Removing body hair is possible with laser, but you will be in for the long haul. Not as long as electrolysis, and general not as painful. But being you are only in High School, you might not be able to get it. The age thing. They have to CYA. You might try Nair for now, seeing that you hate to shave. I shave the body, but I use an electric razor, it is fast and lasts for a couple of days.
Janet
Quote from: Janet Lynn on August 31, 2008, 10:15:42 PM
As to your current gender identity, as always go see a GID therapist, it is the best place to start. You said your friend is TS, talk to them. But there is nothing wrong with androgyny. Many of our members are androgynous, and many of our members are CD.
I'd make more of an attempt to see a therapist if it wasn't so self destructive to my relations with others, specifically my family. I have tried (and suceeded) talking to others about this, and joining this forum was somewhat of an expansion on that. By the way, thanks for the welcome! :)
Quote from: Janet Lynn on August 31, 2008, 10:15:42 PM
Removing body hair is possible with laser, but you will be in for the long haul. Not as long as electrolysis, and general not as painful. But being you are only in High School, you might not be able to get it. The age thing. They have to CYA. You might try Nair for now, seeing that you hate to shave. I shave the body, but I use an electric razor, it is fast and lasts for a couple of days.
Janet
Strange enough, a friend opted to buy me an electric razor. I also purchased Veet a while ago. So far it has been working a lot better than shaving, though I have yet to try the electric razor.
Sky,
Gosh are you so lucky, just now starting high school....
You can begin to start figuring this all out now, instead of when your 20 or 30 or 40...
The number one thing you neeed to do is find a way to visit a GEnder Therapist...
At all costs get to a Gender therapist. Whether this means telling your school counselor, or your parents, or some friend that can help you get there..
I remeber hiding who I was 6 years ago when I was 15 from my parents thinking they wouldnt understand, and I dont want them to know, but the truth is I wish every day I just told them then and gotten to go to a therpaist, because 6 years later my life is so unbeilably convulated with catch 22's to even think about transition.
Whatever you do we are here to help and guide you in this situation..
Best of luck sky.
Thank you for the advice. :)
I knew coming to one of these communities would at least give me an idea of what I'm going through.
Hi Skyming,
I think once many of us start questionning our identity we can get into a panic about it. I think it is good to remember that many of us learn about ourselves through a slow realisation. Certainly some people get it as a bolt of lightning in the middle of the night but for many it takes time, reflection, backtracking, questioning. Sometimes we have a lot of baggage that takes a long time to shed - like the layer you built to protect yourself through childhood.
I think it is important to know that what you are going through is ok. I think you are doing all the right things, trying stuff out, settling on something for awhile to see how it goes, reflecting. I think you should keep doing what you are doing. Enjoy the bits you like. Take delight in the stuff you know. Revelation will come at it's own pace but you can help it along through learning more, talking about it and experimenting.
take care
Nicky
First off,
Welcome to Susan's!
It's wonderful you are beginning a quest to discover yourself at such a young age, certainly better than starting at an older age. As others stated, if you can, see a gender therapist!
Quote from: Skymning on August 31, 2008, 09:18:11 PM
I was so sick of questioning myself that I made it my summer objective to discover who I was. Needless to say, no person can figure themselves out in two mere months. I was no exception, and the depression just got worse.
Yeah, I started my journey to discover myself in February/March, and tried to do that on my own during the summer, and ended up with a similar result.
As encouraged, ask questions, no matter how unusual/crazy they may seem ;).
See you around on the forums, and I wish you well in your personal journey of discovery! :)
Thanks, everyone :)
As you can see, I've already started asking around. I thought that if I talked with enough people who've been through a close situation, I'd get an answer. So far it's been working.
Hi Skymning, welcome to Susan's. I see that everyone has pretty well covered the bases with their suggestions and responses.
Interesting story which in some ways is similar to my experiences but unfortunately it was through the course of several more years then you before I found out that it had a name, transsexuality, then coming to terms with the symptoms of GID and then doing something about it.
Still in high school huh, that could be at an advantage to beginning to live your new life in the preferred gender at an early age. But I must suggest the same as the other members here have and that is take time for a visit with a gender therapist, Please.
Cindy
I'll try my best to get to one, but I have strong doubts over actually seeing a gender therapist any time soon. If the opportunity is favorable, I won't hesitate to go. Thank you :)
Theraphy is actually really cool, I remeber thinking I dont want to see a shrink, but in the long run it is pretty neat that you can pay someone to talk to you about the deepest things in your life, that you wouldnt tell anyone else.
Its like as tony soprano put it "taking a huge dump"...lol sorry for the visualization.
But you could ask your mom to see a therapist, dont tell her why you want to see one, let her pick any ol therapist, then once you are in the private session with the therapist ask the therapist to reccomend you to a gender therapist and she could suggest to your mother without telling her why that you go see that person instead.
Technically I dont think the therapist is allowed to tell your mom why.
Just an idea.
Best of luck sky.
Hi,
I felt similar to what you described when I was your age. I didn't know about transness back then, though and I never got to try crossdressing or anything to help me find my way. I vote for gender therapist too, though I understand you may not be able to do anything with it soon.
I can't really speak to you about what your Gender is, but I can advise that you try not to stress through the process. It may take a little time to figure out. There is no rush.
Rebis
Sounds just like me!!
I thought I was andro for ages, since at least 18-21 but really it was me denying my transsexual feelings, im transitioning now at 22 and feel soooo much better about feminising myself
deep down I think most people already know, but its very hard.
Sounds a lot like me. I was depressed through most of high school even with a good amount of friends, good grades, etc. I knew why (I had known pretty much forever), but I just felt helpless to do much about it at that time. I mean, transition in a hardcore republican town in Idaho comprised of roughly 85% Mormons as an extremely shy and self-conscious individual....it is almost laughable. I put it off for long enough now though and I am beginning to discover myself finally at 21. I wish so badly I had had the courage to do it in high school though. Because I didn't I am now playing a role of someone that isn't necessarily me through what are supposed to be some of the best years of my life. I definitely wish you luck and would encourage you to do it sooner rather than later, even if it is not always easy.
Hi FallenLeaves, I wish I had started at 21, you are still young yet and by the time you get to the other end of transitioning you will still be young with most of your life ahead of you, being the true you within and without, and living as the true you. Judging by your avatar I don't have any doubt that you will pass very well in the gender of your choice
Cindy
Quote from: cindybc on September 05, 2008, 05:17:33 PM
Hi FallenLeaves, I wish I had started at 21, you are still young yet and by the time you get to the other end of transitioning you will still be young with most of your life ahead of you, being the true you within and without, and living as the true you. Judging by your avatar I don't have any doubt that you will pass very well in the gender of your choice
Cindy
Thanks. I try to tell myself that but sometimes it is hard not to wonder and regret some decisions. Somehow when I was 14 I managed to come out to my mom (I had to do it with a sticky note, lol). I had a bad experience after that though and basically just went back into the closet for the past 7 years.
Hi Hmmm I must say that having lost 7 years doesn't suck, of course it does when it means you could have started 7 years sooner with your moms consent, that would have been wonderful. But it didn't go that way and today is today and I do pray that you have regained your moms suport, that would make it so much easier. But you are still young and you have many friends here other kids your age and younger who could probably use your support just as much as you can use their support. I do pray that all truly goes well for you.
(https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi11.photobucket.com%2Falbums%2Fa191%2Fcynthiag932%2Fangelinlight.jpg&hash=a8323721c3ff08cb02d5f9033750fb60296f7833)
Cindy
Quote from: cindybc on September 05, 2008, 11:54:50 PM
Hi Hmmm I must say that having lost 7 years doesn't suck, of course it does when it means you could have started 7 years sooner with your moms consent, that would have been wonderful. But it didn't go that way and today is today and I do pray that you have regained your moms suport, that would make it so much easier. But you are still young and you have many friends here other kids your age and younger who could probably use your support just as much as you can use their support. I do pray that all truly goes well for you.
Cindy
Well I am pretty sure my mom no longer thinks I am transexual mostly because I am living with my girlfriend, whom both my parents absolutely love (probably because they thought I was gay too ~_~). I do believe if I told her, her response would be fairly reasonable. We are way closer now than we ever have been. Just too many other factors though, like I am not sure about my dad's reaction or my brother's. My brother and I have a lot of the same friends and he lives less than a mile from me, so he is over pretty much daily. I just don't see him wanting to still hang out with me as much as he does...he's kind of the popular jock type and so are his / our friends. It is so weird because people never believe we are brothers. Our personalities match in tons of ways, but he is about 230 really muscly build (went to state in football) and I am under 140 even though we are both about 5'11 so it is usually pretty amusing as he is my "little" brother. We are just getting close again too, past the whole sibling rivalry B.S. of the younger years.
FallenLeaves hon, well it sounds like your brother and yourself have a pretty close relationship. It may take him time to absorb who you are, but I can't see him severing your relationship as brothers. As for your mom, I am inclined to believe she will come around to you once again. It appears that you have a good caring relationship with the family, it may take time for some of them to come around but I believe they will.
They already suspect some of your behaviour as as being gay you have said, then all you may need to do is put them on the right track. I realy can't say how your dad will take things though, you didn't elaborate much on him like what type of personality does he have? It would be wonderful if your girl friend comes around to possibly being supportive of you.
From my experience, I found that most of my girl friends were supportive of me when I came out. Women appear to be much more accepting, but so will some of the more open minded men, though it may take a little longer for them to understand what it's about, then eventually come around as well after a time.
Cindy
My girlfriend becomes more supportive every day it seems like. I still am far from 100% on what I actually am, so I don't think a lot of people besides her need to know yet. I have discussed it somewhat with some friends of mine and nothing was awkward after. These were girls though, I am really putting off telling any guys.
Hi FallenLeaves, I understand what you mean about the guys, but if you don't beleive there is a need to rush ahead on telling anyone else at the present time about transitioning, especially if you feel you are not 100% certain you are ready yet, then don't. I believe you will know with no doubt when the time comes. If you are trans, GID will remind you, it can be quite merciless when it comes to reminding you. You will know without doubt when it is time to move forward. For the time being, I must say you are most fortunate to have your girl friend and those women friends supporting you.
Cindy