I just don't know what to do with myself.
I'm 18 years old and I haven't had a lick (and I don't mean to make a pun out of this) of sexual experience. In these times, that is very unusual, even for a transsexual who has body dysphoria. Valentines Day flew by and I didn't spend any of it thinking about how lonely I was or how much I wish I was with someone. But it's the day after and I can't stop thinking about my crush.
This crush is a big secret; it has to be. I can't really become public about it because the person I like isn't interested in transguys. This is really hard for me. People at Positive Images told me to have faith; you never really know how someone might feel when it comes to dating a transgender person. But... I'm really sure about this. This person is still grieving over lost love that happened a long time ago.
I want to comfort him, I want to help him, I want to just shake him and tell them that it's over and it's been over. But it's truly none of my business. We're practically strangers. But since the moment I saw him, I knew something was different about him. I can't say it was "love at first sight," but it was something at first sight. And ever since then, I've been watching him from afar. Watching him laugh and watching them hold back tears. It's all very hard for me to do, but I am afraid if I get close to him, I'll lose him.
This person appears to have a very high self-esteem. And yet, I also see him beat himself up emotionally. One time he just couldn't speak. I wanted to say something, but I couldn't find any words either.
A lot of people like this person because of how he looks like... So this kid is used to a lot of crushes and a lot of people liking him for the wrong reasons. That is yet another reason I hesitate: I worry that I'm not any different, and that I might like this person just because he has such a great smile. But I can name other qualities I like about him... in a very odd way, we complement each other. He likes one thing, I like the other thing that goes with that thing. It's very interesting. But unfortunately, I cannot say more than that without revealing who this person is, and I'm just not ready to do that yet.
I've told a few people. People who wouldn't think it's a big deal. I told them hoping they'd tell someone else, and that this thing would spread like wildfire. But I'm simply not popular enough for that to happen. I should have the balls to tell him myself, but I don't, out of fear of rejection. If I keep my distance, I can still see that person in good spirits. I don't want there to be unnecessary tension between us.
I want to befriend this person, with no other motives in mind. But every time I see him, my face burns with anticipation. The first time he touched me, I felt my entire body perspire. I definitely have some very strong sexual chemistry with this person, but what about on his end? They act so casual, so cool, like he can't see that I'm overcome with desire.
And maybe he really can't see that.
And I almost don't want him to. I have a fear of that intimacy. Someone looking so deep inside of me they can see my soul (if I have one, says the agnostic in me). What if he really said yes? What if things really work out? Will I just explode from the ecstasy? I've never been allowed to be that happy in my life. I've never been allowed to have a partner. Relationships never get past 1/2 base. I have hardly held hands with someone I liked, let alone kissed them or hugged them...
This person has had their arm around me in a casual way. That's a good first step, I'd say. Things are normal, like they should be. But I just can't seem to speak to him for very long. He'll say a few words to me, I'll thank him or something, and then end up having some excuse to leave. I feel like I must hide myself, hide the ugly wolf inside of me that wants to just eat him alive.
It's true. Men are wolves. And as I've started testosterone, I've really become one. Relationships are even more complicated, where both emotion and passion are very much involved. Before when I liked someone only romance was on my mind. Now that I am going through my male puberty, there's a lot more on my mind that I just can't seem to control, and I'm afraid it's written all over my face.
This has been bothering me for months but it's reaching its peak and I'm just dying to tell the person how I feel but... Imagine that you met someone at a party. They shook hands with you and you sat with a group of people and chatted casually, never really talking directly to each other. Also imagine that you see this person 4 times a month for several months, but you never really sit with them or talk to them. Imagine all of this. Then imagine that person comes out of nowhere and proclaims their feelings for you. Wouldn't that be just as odd as a complete stranger coming up to you and saying something like that?
My feelings have been festering for months trying to give themselves a name. My low self-esteem tells me this can't work but my hopes tell me that it can. I don't have the strength to handle heartbreak right now, so I just can't get myself to interact with this person. And yet every time I see him his presence is so strong in the room. I feel sometimes like he and I are the only person in the room. I can't get my mind wrapped around the fact he hardly knows who I am, and has really only seen me make a fool out of myself on multiple occasions. If only I could just show this guy what's really in my mind.
I can really articulate how I'm feeling when nothing is at stake. But when I am in fear, I completely lose my ability. I start to sputter word salad and I usually just end up running away. I need someone who has the strength or the heart to tell me, "wait!" when I try to leave. No one ever has. No one ever cared enough to ask me to stay. Every time I've tried to confess my feelings to someone, and failed, they just brushed me off like a leaf in the wind. I need someone with a strong heart... and this guy seems like he's it.
And damn it, everything I learn about him makes my head spin. And because I hardly know the guy, he could disappear at any moment and I wouldn't know where he went.
Post Merge: February 15, 2009, 09:33:23 PM
Since it's safe to say on here, I'll mention that he's trans too.
well. First question is - do you know his sexual orientation? and you say he's not into transguys... how do you know that?
Quote from: Nero on February 15, 2009, 09:37:41 PMwell. First question is - do you know his sexual orientation? and you say he's not into transguys... how do you know that?
He says he's only into girls. But... I used to think I was only into guys until I got really close to a girl. He might not necessarily know he's definitely against being with a transguy... Maybe he has a problem with penises like I do. I don't have a dick, so maybe he'd be okay with that.
Ugh. There's just so much about him I don't know. At least when it comes to what sex he's into.
hmm. well how often do you see him? you could just start hanging out with him a lot, get to know him.
Yeah. I was gonna try that last Thursday but he didn't show up to the group we go to. It was actually unusual of him... I hope nothing's wrong. He's really grieving over a girlfriend he lost about a year ago.
oh. yeah that's tough. after a year, maybe he'd be open to dating if he met someone special and maybe not. i know after a year with my loss, it was still pretty tough. i really appreciated people who understood what i was going through though. maybe you're just what he needs right now.
I'd hope so. ;D
Quote from: Nero on February 15, 2009, 09:49:32 PM
i really appreciated people who understood what i was going through though. maybe you're just what he needs right now.
I second that.
Just offer him support and friendship. Even if you don't get a relationship out of it you can have a friend.
Quote from: Osiris on February 15, 2009, 09:52:14 PM
I second that.
Just offer him support and friendship. Even if you don't get a relationship out of it you can have a friend.
Yeah, and he'd definitely be an awesome friend!
Going to third that.
The best thing you can do is be a really good friend in these situations. If he's still grieving, you probably don't want to be too forward, yeah? Just show him how much you care through friendship and if he's into you, he'll probably say something. If he's not, you'll be able to get over him slowly without you falling apart. Either way, whether you wait for him or yourself to say the first word, it might be best to build up your emotional strength.
Good luck.
Hey, hey hey... I'm 22 and haven't had any real sexual experiences! -_- and New Zealanders apparently have a pretty high percentage of younger people having sex, like 15 usually I think?
But neeeway, yeah, just hang out with him as much as you can and become solid friends and hopefully he'll become more receptive to dating again and secondly, may become interested in you.
-shrugs- I've never found relationships difficult, getting into one or getting out. Just go with the flow, do what feels right for you, and if you want it, go get it. Life lessons. And don't take three years to tell the kid you like him, life's way too short to hang around being scared if he doesn't feel the same.
Quote from: freespeechz on February 16, 2009, 03:30:59 PMAnd don't take three years to tell the kid you like him, life's way too short to hang around being scared if he doesn't feel the same.
Good point. I should tell him before we're all in our 60's.
Hello,
I know this question might sound stupid but I'm a little bit confused, you want to be a boy (man) but you are attracted to another boy (who happens to be a trans)? Were you attracted to a boy before T? I always wanted to be a boy ever since I could remember and I was never attracted to a man/boy.
Anyway, I am planning to have top surgery this year. Have anyone heard of Dr. Sherman Leis or Dr. Christine Mcginn?
Thanks
Quote from: pong on February 16, 2009, 05:54:11 PM
Hello,
I know this question might sound stupid but I'm a little bit confused, you want to be a boy (man) but you are attracted to another boy (who happens to be a trans)? Were you attracted to a boy before T? I always wanted to be a boy ever since I could remember and I was never attracted to a man/boy.
Anyway, I am planning to have top surgery this year. Have anyone heard of Dr. Sherman Leis or Dr. Christine Mcginn?
Thanks
hi Pong. Elwood is attracted to another boy because is a bisexual transman.
Quote from: Nero on February 16, 2009, 06:03:11 PM
hi Pong. Elwood is attracted to another boy because is a bisexual transman.
Hi Nero,
Thank you and I apologize for my naivety. Most of my friends are straight guys so I do not have much exposure and I just started exploring my own need to transform physically. I think I'm too old for it (43 yrs. old) but I'd rather do it now than regret later when I am in my 80's.
Again thanks,
-Pong
Quote from: pong on February 16, 2009, 05:54:11 PM
Hello,
I know this question might sound stupid but I'm a little bit confused, you want to be a boy (man) but you are attracted to another boy (who happens to be a trans)? Were you attracted to a boy before T? I always wanted to be a boy ever since I could remember and I was never attracted to a man/boy.
Anyway, I am planning to have top surgery this year. Have anyone heard of Dr. Sherman Leis or Dr. Christine Mcginn?
Thanks
Pong,
Elwood does not want to be a boy, he is a boy.
Quote from: pong on February 16, 2009, 06:16:16 PM
Hi Nero,
Thank you and I apologize for my naivety. Most of my friends are straight guys so I do not have much exposure and I just started exploring my own need to transform physically. I think I'm too old for it (43 yrs. old) but I'd rather do it now than regret later when I am in my 80's.
Again thanks,
-Pong
yes, i guess most ftms do seem to be straight but there are a large number of us bisexual and gay trans guys out here too.
i feel old too. i'm 30, but have been trying to transition for 3 years (medical and other issues needing resolved first).
but yeah, we're not too old.
You're never too old to transition. I have a friend who transitioned when he was about 41. He's 45 now and very happy.
Thanks guys! I've been searching for a long time for a forum like this, and thank God I found it.
Quote from: pong on February 17, 2009, 06:07:36 AM
Thanks guys! I've been searching for a long time for a forum like this, and thank God I found it.
this is the best! ;D
-waves at Pong- I'm bisexual.
Quote from: freespeechz on February 17, 2009, 01:01:56 PM
-waves at Pong- I'm bisexual.
Thanks Asher. I don't want to sound stupid but to be honest with you, I couldn't believe it when I heard about a guy that had sex change surgery and then realized that she was a lesbian and wants to be with women. I thought it was a joke. I really thought that one wants to physically transform to the target gender to be with the opposite sex. And this forum is helping me understand.
Quote from: pong on February 17, 2009, 04:01:36 PM
Thanks Asher. I don't want to sound stupid but to be honest with you, I couldn't believe it when I heard about a guy that had sex change surgery and then realized that she was a lesbian and wants to be with women. I thought it was a joke. I really thought that one wants to physically transform to the target gender to be with the opposite sex. And this forum is helping me understand.
are you coming from a lesbian background then?
Quote from: Nero on February 17, 2009, 04:05:58 PM
are you coming from a lesbian background then?
Hi Nero,
Again pardon my ignorance, what do you mean by lesbian background? I have been tagged a lesbian since I can remember and I always hated it because I always feel that I am straight male inside a woman's body. Is that what you meant?
As I mentioned before, I don't have enough exposure since most of my friends are straight male and their straight wives/girlfriends. I met a couple of lesbians but they never really talk about stuff like these.
Thank you for your patience.
Hi Pong. I just wondered where you're coming from. A lot of straight transpeople come from a gay (mtf) or lesbian (ftm) background. meaning they were labeled homosexual because of their biological sex.
When I was younger I heard about a transwoman who was with another woman and I thought it was ridiculous to have SRS only to go ahead and be gay. I figured if they wanted to be with women anyway then why would they also want to be a woman.
Now I realise of course that they are two totally separate entities; especially seeing as I'm a gay transguy myself
Quote from: Nero on February 17, 2009, 04:21:07 PM
Hi Pong. I just wondered where you're coming from. A lot of straight transpeople come from a gay (mtf) or lesbian (ftm) background. meaning they were labeled homosexual because of their biological sex.
Gotcha!
Anyway, I have been reserching surgeons for my transformation. I am thinking of having my breast remove this year (around November) and how I'm going to break the news about my transformation at work. I think this would be the hardest part since I am already in my 40's. My family & friends are OK since I've been dressing up & acting like a man eversince.
Post Merge: February 17, 2009, 04:40:14 PM
Quote from: Jeatyn on February 17, 2009, 04:36:01 PM
When I was younger I heard about a transwoman who was with another woman and I thought it was ridiculous to have SRS only to go ahead and be gay. I figured if they wanted to be with women anyway then why would they also want to be a woman.
Now I realise of course that they are two totally separate entities; especially seeing as I'm a gay transguy myself
That's exactly what my thought process was. Anyway, glad I found this forum to enlighten me.
Hey, this thread is getting a bit long so I'm not sure if you're still looking for advice, but I don't have much anyways; I'd just like to say that as an 18-year-old gay transguy myself, I can identify. I'm in the middle of a crush I also see as hopeless, and since I haven't made any move myself, I don't think I'm really qualified to give you advice, as it would be coming straight from my backside :laugh: but I do wish you best of luck, if it never works out with him then at least with somebody else. I do have some advice; have confidence in yourself and do what feels most right. ^-^ Then, at least, no matter what the outcome, you might wish it had been different but you hopefully won't regret anything.
*blink* reading that post was almost like reading about my own situation, except I'm not a virgin and the guy I like is deeply gay [and of course he couldn't be attracted to me because I look so much like a girl]. I've basically decided to do nothing, but there's a quote I heard a long time ago... It doesn't matter which path in life you take - whichever one you walk, you will regret not having taken the other one. So perhaps the best thing to do is just tell them - at least you'll know if there's a chance for you, or if you should try to move on.