lately I been always thinking..
why should I bother to go on.
what is there for me?
Not even second rate female in my own eyes.
huge shoulders, wide ribs, thick neck, big feet, big hands.. narrow hips.
sometimes I wish each and every bone in my body to just break.. I hate them all.
manly skull, even though people compliment on the lips sometimes, they don't seem very feminine still.
the eyes.. I always love to look into people's eyes becaus they alone reveal the person personality,.. they also reveal gender. just as they do in cats and dogs..
people told me I can do a perfect or really good voice.. but I am aware of any sound I put.. of every effort I make.. it just reminds me how much of a fake I am..
my parents hate me.. I have only two friends in real life and both in the army..
they both accept me, but they are not understanding.. I am only quite comfortable with one of them. (the girl).. though for some reason I am always hurt from the slightest things the guy says.
I always wanted to sing.. I cry when I try.. I cry when I hear myself cry @@..
my body is just horrid, I am an abomination in my own eyes.
I don't look like a female in the slightest, I hate it when people tell me to do specific hairstyles such as bangs and makeup just for passing.
today I took a knife and wanted to use it.. I couldn't even though that.
I put it over the veins, I touched them.. I couldn't cut..
I don't see any reason to go on, I didn't find solutions for everything, I hate my bones, I hate my voice.. yet I couldn't take my life and end my daily suffering and crying.
my parents won't care if I did do it.. I am in the room all day for over 10 years, no one cares to ask me how I am doing.. none cares when I cry.
my friends would be better off without me leaning on them and crying, burdening them with my troubles when they can offer no solution.
I fail to see a brighter light.. I wish I did cut.. but I can't somehow I just can't..
I am not receiving any hormones anymore... stupid parents @@..
I am 20 years old and ruled by my parents..
I can't move out, I can't look at myself in the mirror anymore, I can't e a male for anyone.. but I can't live as a fake female.
I don't want to be a crossdresser.. I just can't do it..
I left the only job I manage to get, at minimum payment.. because I just couldn't live that way anymore.
I hate it when people tell me "god created you.. accept god's gift"
I don't even believe in god, the idea is stupid.. I am cursed not gifted.
My friends and parents actually said they admire/jealous my intelligence and learning abilities.. well I'd rather trade them for a normal female body so I could finally be happy..
I can't accept my body, I know nobody's body is perfect, but this is just ridiculous! there is imperfect and there is terribly hideous!
I wish I could get myself to punch everyone who told me or tells or will tell me to just accept those things.
But even that I can't get myself to do @@.. I can't even get myself to hurt those who hurt me.
I have no idea why I even keep on writing.. it's not going to help me anyways..
Yours truly,
The Undying Paradox @@..
There's nothing I can say or do that will take away the pain that shows in your words. There's probably nothing I can do that offers much comfort either...but for what it's worth:
*hug*
you are not alone
You know, no one can look at their own appearance and see it without bias. You are too close to yourself to judge accurately how you look. I know it's hard when you don't feel like you look right, but you can't really tell yourself.
You are 20 years old, your parents can not legally prevent you from taking hormones if you are able to obtain them yourself.
I know depression well, and I know it's hard to think tomorrow can be a better day, but you have to remember, even if you can't say tomorrow will be better, you can't know for a fact it'll be worse either.
*hugs*
Hon, we all go through this times. And we do come out of the other end, better for it.
You are not alone. You must realize that you do have friends here. Otherwise why would turn to us.
I hate my face. Large pores, wrinkles, the dreaded beard. But I do see a work in progress. And I tell myself that I am pretty.
You will come to that point where you are not dependent on the parental units. It maybe hard to hold on, but hold on you must.
Remember that we never know what the tide will bring tomorrow.
Janet
This won't help much, but the feelings you have we have all had.
BUT!
If you persist you will prevail! Right now things appear grim. But they will not always be this way.
There is a beautiful woman inside you. She will eventually show herself to the world.
Please, please, please, do not take a permanent solution to a temporary problem!
You are loved and cared about. Here we accept you as you see yourself, we believe in you. All you have to do is believe in yourself.
-Sandy
That's the problem.. people *NEED* to "accept" me.. I hate it..
I can't accept myself.. looking as I do..
and cared? I am lucky if I talk to anyone any day anymore.. my parents are terrible, mom's boyfriend wants to lock me in my room.. he just shouted in the living room for about 2 or 3 hours about me..
I hate that male primitive.
He is huge, with super deep voice.. he is everything I don't want to ever be.
He yells and yells just to pass on his point.. he already beat me a year ago.. I am afraid of him and then mom yells at me that I won't talk to them, especially if together with him.
And then they tell psychiatrists they want to help but I don't open up, which is a lie, I did open, and they never showed any understanding or willingness to help, rather that i am diseased.
You put the knife to your wrist and learned something important -- you still think life is worth living.
I've done the same, but in different ways not a knife, but a knife-like ridge on a high mountain, looking down at the void to the left and right, or on the sharp end of a climbing rope, 20 feet, 30 feet, who knows how far above my last reliable piece of protection, and realizing that I don't want to die, I really want to live, no matter the hell I was going through the previous day or week.
I've thought the same about being a second-rate woman or not a woman at all, my confidence crumpling like a house of cards. And then there are times like a few days ago when I got in a (very) minor accident, and the guy in the other car had trouble accepting that male legal name, despite my not-very-feminine-at-all voice, getting very flustered. And then a waiter asks me if he can get me something to drink, "sir." It's hard, but there's progress. After some time, I have enough data points to see the trend toward being accepted as a woman.
You are 20. Hormones probably will do wonders. You can have surgury, and your face will be beautiful, of feminine at the very least. You won't ever be Gisele Bündchen. Nor will I, nor will any woman I've ever met. But if it's what you want, if it's what you need, you can progress and see changes, however painfully slow, and you'll have years of life as a woman, completely normal to every one you see.
The Undying Paradox @@..
You are not the only person who sees this world as one big mistake. Gender roles, family roles, occupation roles etc. are not fit for humans. They need to understand we are citizens not consumers and workers. The whole structure is set up to screw use and mislead us into thinking that the conditions in which are set up are livable. Perhaps we can start a revolution.
I agree we have probably all entertained these thoughts. Remember this: You will live life like everyone and will eventually pass on like everyone. When you think about it your time here is finite, very finite so why rush it along? Your 20 years old and you DO HAVE CHOICES. If your parents are a problem, start to look into moving out, maybe with a friend. Step by step you can change your whole world. Small steps at a time, and it might not feel like its moving fast enough but thats ok...it's still moving. Try not to be so hard on yourself. You are a natural occurrence in nature. Rejoice in that fact. A lot of us on this site have gone through so many heart aches yet we go on. Just keep talking to people here, it's good you found this site. Talk anytime you need to, about anything. :)
Quote from: Alyssa M. on June 01, 2009, 04:19:19 PM
You are 20. Hormones probably will do wonders. You can have surgury, and your face will be beautiful
If only it could change my bones..
if only I had hormones now to stop my bones from keep changing to worse and worse..
Post Merge: June 01, 2009, 04:40:23 PM
Quote from: WhyAreWeHere on June 01, 2009, 04:36:13 PM
If your parents are a problem, start to look into moving out, maybe with a friend.
I can't, the only friend that might take me with him is in the army.
and in my current state, I can't get myself to work, barely even be outside with random people.
I can't keep being a guy with people, just can't.
beyond that, I found your post awfully depressing.
OK..., well if you still ever need to talk, and obviously you do, just ring. People can only offer help, they cannot change life for you, thats up to you. Many people here are living proof of that fact.
Best,
Christine
Quote from: Myself on June 01, 2009, 04:38:23 PM
If only it could change my bones..
This is the fallacy of sunk cost. You can't (except minor changes through something like brow bossing), but you can avoid making it worse in the future.
Quote
if only I had hormones now to stop my bones from keep changing to worse and worse..
You can get hormones. You are 20, an adult, if only a young adult. You can go see a therapist for a few months and get a referral to an endocrinologist and get some hormones. Or you can just go the DIY route as a last resort if you can't afford the therapist or endo.
edit -- Just to be clear, as per the Rule 8 or the Site Terms of Service: "We can not in good conscience condone the self administering of these medications. Not only may self medication be illegal, but HRT medications can cause serious health problems, and many have the potential for life-threatening side effects that can only be detected and prevented with proper medical supervision." I'm not saying go the DIY route, just that if it's between that and suicide, well, the whole point of getting proper care is to avoid dying. But if you're thinking of suicide, you almost certainly need to see a therapist anyway, regardless of the reasons for your thoughts. Get to a therapist a.s.a.p.
I agree with Alyssa. You're legal. And hormones are relatively inexpensive. You may need a small fortune for surgery, but not to get started. Depending on where you live, you might be able to see a therapist on a reduced scale. Are you in school? If so, start with the counseling services there.
Rome was not built in a day and HRT changes are a slow process, no matter how much we "want it now" Hon... If I can look and BE female after starting at 50, then you'll be fine at 20 or 22. Plus the bones are already set at 20, but the soft tissue can and does do wonders.
As with any journey, you have to take that first step. One is get a job, any job, two find a cheep place for your self, Three, see a therapist Actually a therapist might be #1, but perhaps not the therapist your parents want you to see.
HRT is not expensive, Surgery is, but you have time for that.
We have all been there and we're here for you. It will work out.
Beni
A family and friends should support and love us unconditionally. Not the contrary! None of my family will talk with me. None of my former friends inside or outside the LDS sect also. Long time i thought that I was wrong, cause all hate me, but through the help of the Goddess, i understand,that neither I was wrong, nor the other people.It is our society who need to change, not only single people!!!
I'd say you were trans. I think we all go through that phase at one time or another like Janet says.
At 20 HRT will work miracles on you. Don't give up so fast.
Walmart has 4 dollar prescriptions......
Quote from: Lori on June 01, 2009, 09:32:18 PM
I'd say you were trans. I think we all go through that phase at one time or another like Janet says.
At 20 HRT will work miracles on you. Don't give up so fast.
Walmart has 4 dollar prescriptions......
Probably not available to israel..
the thing that annoys me the most is that I took hormones for a while (maybe 3 months) and I started feeling a bit better and seeing improvements.. and then received placebos for a year instead.. I was convinced I am taking hormones but I wasn't.. I slowly noticed everything going bad.. I am even convinced my voice which was naturally quite high, became deeper at the time..
maybe I am just imagining things.. hope so..
I really hope I will manage to get treatment again soon.. and hopefully.. not too long time..
about the skeleton.. I'd go through any surgeries no matter how painful and long recovery they might be.. but why they are just not available?
Quote from: Myself on June 01, 2009, 10:06:46 PM
about the skeleton.. I'd go through any surgeries no matter how painful and long recovery they might be.. but why they are just not available?
Even if you are in Israel, I am bewildered why you would be given placebos following a course of actual hormones. How did you find out you were given placebos?
In any case, the skeleton and hard tissue such as cartilage are not rigid, immutable structures that can be cut and reattached like you would shorten a length of pipe by cutting the middle out and welding the pieces back together. Even if it were, some of the most "manly" tells are in the hands and feet. Each of them contain dozens of bones, any attempt to make them more feminine through surgery would leave you crippled with arthritis.
I really don't want to play the age card here, but I will. Many of us are twice or three times your age when we go through our second puberty (I was in my mid fifties when I started). Nothing will change our skeletons, we can't become shorter or have wider hips, but with proper hormone administration, and feminizing surgery we present quite well. We women (you too!) come in all shapes and sizes, but we are all women regardless of how we look.
You are actually now entering the middle to late stages of puberty. Yes this is the time when most of the hard tissue and bone structure becomes most masculine. But this phase will take at least five years. If you start a true hormone regimen in the next couple of years, you may avert some of the most masculinizing skeletal changes. And even if you do not, you could probably still achieve a rather feminine look.
Try not to obsess about those things that cannot be changed and try to concentrate on those that can and try to make a plan of action that can help you reach those goals.
-Sandy
Quoteand then received placebos for a year instead..
wow what happened there? your folks did that?
Quote from: Myself on June 01, 2009, 10:06:46 PMthe thing that annoys me the most is that I took hormones for a while (maybe 3 months) and I started feeling a bit better and seeing improvements.. and then received placebos for a year instead.
This won't happen if you get your hrt medications through a qualified endocrinologist working under the Standards of Care published by WPATH.
there must be a way to change the skeleton, just as the skull has surgeries.. just as we break bones and we get them surgically re-attached
I see the will to fight for your life in you... thats a good thing, the fact you are posting shows that you are still fighting...
I wasnt much older than you when I looked into the abyss. It can be very depressing when we cant envision our self image in a positive light. Body build is but one way we beat ourselves up. There are so many others... but somehow there is always a way to get past it. I can tell you with absolute certainty... looking back its the one thing I am glad I didnt succeed at. I cant prove it to you, but if you hang on and fight your way back to happiness, you will not regret it.
You see how many others here have responded... so clearly you are not alone. People here do care and do give a damn. We cant replace your parents apathetic and/or indifferent attitude. But we are still here...
Quote from: Myself on June 02, 2009, 12:38:03 AM
there must be a way to change the skeleton, just as the skull has surgeries.. just as we break bones and we get them surgically re-attached
As others have mentioned, it sounds as though you're obsessing over something you can't fix. You can't undo all of what puberty did to you. No matter what, you're just not going to have the skeleton of a female. But that does not mean that you can't pass and live life as a beautiful woman. I'd concentrate on getting on hormones now before more damage is done. God grant me the serenity and all that...
I will never pass.
I will always look like a linebacker in drag.
If only I had never lifted weights and gone into bodybuilding.
If I had started therapy sooner.
If I had come out earlier.
If I did not have to wait so long for surgery.
I will just keep going as is and hope that I die an early death.
No one would ever want me for who I am.
I could never afford surgery.
I'd be better off dead.
All of those above were me. I saw even just going to therapy to be an insurmountable wall. Slowly though I worked through everything. Steps forward and steps back but with the goal of one day living as I wanted to live. I sacrificed myself and my happiness for others and wondered if I would ever really be happy. Hardly any friends to speak of at all and none that were very close. Worked minimum wage and retail for so long that I never thought I would get out.
Slowly, over a decade, I overcame everything. Others have done the same. Some had it harder and others much easier. yet we had all tread on a path that was shared in part. There have been crutches needed on the way. A good friend, medication, a doctor visit, posting on a forum....
There is a word that is thrown about here and there. Karma. It is action. As in taking and owning the actions in your life, realizing that what you do and think now will impact you in the future.
You have an energy in you, that is a good thing. You may not recognize it now but it is evident in what you have posted. Find it. Harness it. Overcome the obstacles put in front of you even if it takes years. It is a difficult journey but like all journeys, it starts with a single small step.
Quote from: Myself on June 02, 2009, 12:38:03 AM
there must be a way to change the skeleton, just as the skull has surgeries.. just as we break bones and we get them surgically re-attached
There are some ways, although shortening and reducing arms and legs and spreading a pelvis and shortening shoulders are not among them.
Rib removals are possible, but you cannot bend your ribs to make the chest cavity smaller. FFS can shave off bone and reshape the skull. But you should also know that those ops are more expensive and more painful than SRS. The rib removal can cause other problems as can severe corseting (also done by MTFs.) To have some ribs removed is not only costly materially, but can be costly to your health, it leaves organs exposed to trauma that are normally protected by your rib-cage, all of your rib-cage.
Finding a way to leave your parental home may not be easy, but you have the capability of doing so if you really wish it. Just a rule of thumb: "What your heart's desire truly is you eventually receive if you stay focused on it and keep working toward it." Some things may be improbable, but very little is impossible.
But there's more, isn't there? More holding you back at this time. I'd say you'd be better served by exploring that with your therapist.
Some things may be improbable, but very little is impossible.
Though realistic standards sure help.
And yes, realistic standards instead of magical thinking is most helpful in winnowing the possible from the extraordinarily improbable and from the impossible. :)
I found life can be so difficult to those of us who fall into the "Transsexual" category. We are some of the most resilient people on the planet, we overcome so much in our lifetime just to be aligned to who we really are. We lose family, friends, and so much more along the way.
Often times I'm envious of my brother or sister who just have to worry about making a living and being the best people they can be. They don't have to worry about the prejudice society, or what it will ever feel to be like in the wrong body. It feels horrible to get dealt the wild card and worry about issues pertaining to a condition that is not socially met by society.
I'm not there yet, but I believe when I come out of this experience, I will be on top of the world. I will have went through what very few people go through, and I will be stronger for it. In the end, we have to be who we really are - I can't live with myself being male, so I will become female. It doesn't matter to me what other people think of my condition, I plan on moving forward anyways, at least that way I can have some peace of mind.
Also, I don't recommend cutting or hurting yourself. I started to do that while I was in the military, and I have several scars that I regret.
Quote from: Syne on June 02, 2009, 12:38:55 PM
I will never pass.
I will always look like a linebacker in drag.
It is so sad that you can't see my pic from the time as I start my transition until today. I worked at that time as a butcher, and i look alike as a butcher. If you would find a little feminine part into my face or my body, i would give to you 100$. There was nothing to find.
Now i look, besides my high, very feminine and my voice is also. All this is not only the result of hormons and diet/sport,it is also the result of :
- To love yourself
- To take care of yourself
- To accept the things which can't be changed, and to work on it, and
- To make your imperfections to your strength.
This change you more than Hormones or a surgery can do!