I've been thinking about this a lot lately, especially for FTMs but any MTFs are free to give their input of course. :)
Maybe I'm just a momma's boy. My personality isn't effeminate nor is it overly macho, I'm just a regular guy... and yet I had such a hard time growing up really connecting with my fatherly figures in any sort of father-son admiration. I almost felt resentment toward them and I have no idea why. I'm definitely not jealous of them, but the more I think about it, maybe it's just rivalry? Maybe I just don't click with them, but I've always felt like I've just 'tolerated' them. A lot of the time they just agitate me.
Thoughts on this subject? What about you?
I had a pretty normal relationship with both my parents.
I had a great relationship with both my parents. They did divorce when I was six but my father figure still didn't go far. We talk every week or so over the phone and he'd come visit us (his children) rather often actually.
My father and I are and have always been close. Much closer than my mother and me. My mother and I would clash alot- mostly because we think differently and she would try to effeminize me. After their divorce my mother would always yell at me saying I "act too much like my father".
I hope that after I come out it won't destroy our close relationship.
Never met my real father, just had a string of douchey step-fathers. Never got along with my mother. The older I got the worse the rift became.
I live with both my parents, but I don't have a real relationship with my father.
He doesn't care about me or my brother, he just lives in our house, take money at home and yell against the rest of the family. :-/
He's not abusive, but I think he doesn't know that also other people have feeling too.
Anyway when I was a kid I idealized my father, I wanted to be like him.
I'm a lot similar to him, I only hope not becoming like him also in this behavior. :(
Also, he doesn't know nothing about me.
I would love my father a lot more if didn't make such poor choices in the people he surrounded himself with. It seems as though the only thing he can place his hope in is that myself and my brother do something worthwhile in this world, because he certainly hasn't.
I often find father figures to be sources of comfort. Perhaps because I have so much enmity towards my mother, motherly figures (for me) always bring up that coarse hatred I carry around inside.
I am closer to my mother then my father, when I was young he was in an out of my life, but eventually he settled and me and mum lived with him till i was 9, I had a very bad relationship with him during that time, he was a bully and very controlling but after 7/7 we became closer, I have a pretty good relationship with him now. My mum is always telling me how much I'm like him, not sure thats a good thing though...
I don't know if my relationship with fatherly figures would be considered good or bad haha. until I was about 12 I had a pretty good relationship with my father. my parents split when I was 5 but my dad remained in my life. as I got older though I started realizing how strange my dad was, it's hard to explain but he's just a very bizarre person, it turns out he has asperger's. when I came out to him as gay at age 15, he completely freaked out at me and we didn't talk for about a year. now we're okay, I see him a few times a year on holidays, but I don't feel close to him at all
my step-dad and I have a weird relationship too. he's been in my life since I was 7 years old and we've always gotten along alright but he and I just have very different views on a lot of things and I don't really feel that close to him. he's a good guy though
I've definitely always been closest to my mom, but then again, she's the one I've lived with the most
I had a great relationship with my dad. My mother and I had some friction when I was younger because of her attempts to feminize me, but Dad never tried anything like that. He taught me how to work on cars, woodworking, all kinds of stuff. I'd be happy to be half the man he was.
Both parents were together until Dad died 7 years ago.
Dennis
My parents divorced when I was very young and my father promptly left us. He came back sporadically in my teens in 1 or 2 weeks streaks, he took me out trucking with him a few times, and we even vacationed in San Diego together where he he took me to a strip club in Tijuana and would let me drink as I pleased.
He was being the fun parent, but in the end I found out it was an attempt to get me to move in with him as he was trying, without success, to restart a family down there. Ultimately our relationship cracked, and as time went on and his absence, temper, and other flaws, overrode any positive experiences we had accrued.
My mother and I fought constantly in middle school, but things simmered down and now we are like old friends, but her reaction when I told her I was bi has put a wall between us which has no doubt grown since I have come to understand myself.
I always viewed my dad as my primary role model. We're not super close, but then I don't think either of us is capable of being super close to anybody. He worked very long hours as I was growing up, and tends to be pretty reserved, in general. Still, I recognized that he was (is) a highly ethical, responsible, and capable person. I still believe that my daddy can do anything. Well, O.K., he can't sing. But he can fix anything. ;D And though I probably hold more interests in common with my mom, my dad and I have very similar personalities.
I've spent pretty much my entire life fantasizing about father figures--both sexually and non-sexually. I have no interest in mother figures and have spent a good deal of my life struggling with misogyny. I'm getting better, but I'm still working on it.
I hated my mother and loved my father without reservation until he started to defer to her too much and began to take her side against me.
She is a piece of work, my mother. My father is a good guy, but nobody, not even my dad, is worth my getting in touch with HER again.
Sometimes, a lot of the time, I wish I could turn back the clock and have a proper father-son relationship with my dad. He took me to the hardware store and to baseball games, but he didn't see me as a boy.
Sometimes that really hurts. Even now. Yet another topic for therapy.
But I love father figures and crave them.
I don't see my father that much prob twice a month but it doesnt bother me
I had a good relationship with both my parents. Even took care of them in their later years. Mom seemed to treat me as a daughter, although she never knew, or never said she did. Dad was always trying to push me into masculine roles and he did know, because I once told him. Bad reaction to the news.
Janet
I seem to have a harsh resentment for mother figures. My mother used to always tell me I'd be like her one day, wearing makeup and being generally a "normal girl". It was like reassurance in her mind, but for me it was just terrifying. My father was always an idol, and is to this day. I fight with my mother almost constantly, although she is supportive about my being trans and has never reacted negatively. I don't have that anger for my father. Apparently I have pretty deep-seated issues with pretty much everyone. Go figure.
In short, I was close to my father and am always compared to him and his brothers, who I idolized incessantly.
I'm much closer to my mom than I am to my dad. They divorced when I was 11 so my brother and I switch houses every week. I can never talk to my dad about something personal and if I do, it's short and awkward. But I am able to talk to him about physics, computers, etc.
My mom on the other hand, I can talk to for most personal issues. Hence why I'm going to come out to her as trans first.
Neither of them have pushed any gender roles onto me, but I was required to wear dresses/skirts when going somewhere fancy >:( Now my parents know it's hopeless to get to to wear anything other than jeans and a t-shirt. :laugh:
I had a rocky relationship with my dad... because his dad was abusive to him he took that out on me. I guess I reminded him too much of his childhood. I resented my mom for not stopping him. Many years and untold sums of money on therapy later we all made peace. It wasnt until then that I was able to see the positive things I did get from him.... in fact there is alot of good I did get from both my parents. Once the hurt and pain are resolved sometimes you find there was something beneath it...
I am more worried about my relationship with my son. I am divorced and not the custodial parent, and as a teenager he has chosen to cut me out of his life. He doesnt know about my TS side, probably wont do much to enhance the already delicate parental figure I am to him... if he even sees me that way at all. How will he react to find out that dad is a woman? :-\
My father has a equal hatred of all minorities :-\
While we can get along like the best of pals for a day or two - any more than that and we tend to grate on each others nerves!
When he gets drunk, he gets mouthy. Not violent, but loud and bigoted. Even in public. He prefers being drunk to being sober. He has no concept of "tact". He likes the bad aspects of Hitler.
However, if he likes you, he's very caring and generous. He also has an infinate love of animals - and would go out of his way to keep them from harm.
He taught me many things, and is part of the reason I am how I am. Some things by example, some things by oppsite :). The lack of logic behind his bigotry (he's atheist, so no religious excuse) influenced me to accept others how they are. By example, he taught me that you don't have to hold a grudge if you don't want to.
We agree on some things, we disagree on others. For the purposes of drinking vodka, eating pizza and going kart racing, he can be fun and we get along well. Serious discussion? Forget it.
I don't look up to the guy, but I don't look down on him either. He's just a guy, with all the flaws that come with it.
I was a mama's boy when I was a little kid, but my dad wasn't really around a lot because of his job. As I got older i started getting a stronger connection with my dad. Now i'm 23 and my dad is my best friend, we hang out together and drink together. He is usually the first person i go to when I need advice. We have a really stong father/son bond. I am still extremely close to my mom to, but it's just a different type of bond i share with each of them.
Quote from: Adrian on June 19, 2009, 10:48:39 PM... am always compared to him (father)...
I've been that way too. All my life people have compared me to my father and still do. I can't even think of a time someone compared me to my mother. Weird. Sometimes I wonder that- even if you haven't told your family you're a trans yet- they maybe subconsciously know. They may not realise it completely, but a thought is there.
I don't get along extremely well with my father. I don't hate him, but he's always trying to shape me into what he wants me to be and he thinks I'm dumb and don't know what I want. This would be quite okay if I lived outside of the house and could ignore him, but I'm too young to move out, so oh well. He still seems better than the fathers of all of my friends. Fathers just suck, I guess.
My mother is great. Usually when people say, "Your mom is awesome," the individual receiving the statement is like, "You don't know her," but I'm like, "Hell yeah!" I enjoy conversation with her, and she helped me towards a great deal of the independence and intelligence I have today.
Funnily enough, I don't think I've been compared much to either parent, apart from appearances.
I've always had a great relationship with my dad. He would allow me to wear male dress as a child (since my mother was always so against it) and doesn't care a ->-bleeped-<- about my "gender issues" or sexuality as long as I'm a happy and balanced person.
He has always treated me more like a boy because he knows that is what I want. For example teaching me to fix my own car (he is a mechanic) and making me do ass-busting yard work; it's given me a better work ethic than a lot of guys my age.
I have terrible issues with my mother though. She is from Peru and extremely Catholic (my dad is American and an atheist) and she is upset that she didn't get to keep her girl. She treated me more like a doll than a person growing up, making me grow my hair to excruciatingly long lengths and dressing me in uncomfortably wackass dolly clothing just to go outside.
I don't talk much to my dad, tho I live with him, but he's a good dad.
He too let me dress "like a boy", but both my parents assumed that was just a "phase" that I was just a tomboy, etc. He's kind of homophobic tho, and kinda old in his views. He really hates how I've been looking more masculine.
Considering how I've had issues all my life, I'm surprised he hasn't thrown me out of the house :D
Interesting replies and stories, guys. Was fascinating to read. :)
definitely am more of a mommas boy. I'm a lot like my dad though... Its a lot of why I get annoyed with him at times, but that has nothing to do with my FTM status. I actually started thinking about this the other day. My dad is far from a manly man, and I doubt that my being born a boy would have led him to do things like go hunting/fishing with me or anything like that [not that I would have at all wanted to.] I mean we did have some bonding activities (Nintendo.. built a model car or two.. played catch... ect.)
I guess I resent him for giving me that X chromosome (although he had no control of it obviously) I resent him for the same reason a little part of me unfairly resents every biological male: why did they get born right? more importantly why didn't I?
completely unfair and illogical of me, I know, but I can't help it.
QuoteI always viewed my dad as my primary role model.
Me too. We had a really rocky relationship in my teens, but now everything is great. It's weird though. As a child, the more different than him I was, the more I hated myself. I wanted to be just like him, and yet I knew I never could be. We got along great until I was 11, then my physical changes caused us to drift apart and be at odds. I think for his part, that he was confused and suddenly tried to see me as a girl, as I did too. I also changed drastically and became a very bitter and different person. Before that, we were great. I think the changes were confusing for both of us.
Quote from: Nero on June 22, 2009, 11:12:18 PM
Before that, we were great. I think the changes were confusing for both of us.
Yeah, I think it's pretty common for dads to pull away from their daughters when they hit puberty. I think they're afraid of being perceived as being "inappropriate" if they are too close to a post-pubescent girl. Plus it probably weirds them out when their baby grows breasts.
My father's a great guy, get along great with him.
Mother was a total. . . erm, female dog though. Always tried to feminize me, always complaining. . . ("You're too much like your father," "you're like one of the guys," blah blah blah). She never shut up.
Maybe this is why I started to go ftm. Still figuring it out.
SilverFang
Of the 17 years I spent near my father I only recall one good week. We packed on horseback into a wilderness area. That was great. Other than that he is the most vial, loathsome man on earth. I did have a good time in San Diego with him once while visiting my Navy daughter. But I was 53 years old by that time. If anyone desires a father figure and a good example of how NOT to be, look up that guy.
Hi... Not having a father i would not know what that means .. from being born till 5 / 6 i have no memory. only really being told things by my mum . there were men in the house as boarders liveing there & comeing & going . all i knew was this man was called bob ... must have been my father .
my mum seperated when i was 5 ... i did see him as a friend .. & yes he saw me over the years till 9 years ago . he pasted on then . he had a high profile as a wrestler . & did archery all over n z . so he was well known .
.Being 61 . now . so the last 37 years i have ment to be a father .. to 3 of our grouwn up kids . was i .. no . sort of i spos ... i tryed . put it that way . so that was my lack . much better as a woman ......
...noeleena...