You don't realize by doing this people no more consider you as a REAL female/male but they consider you as a '3rd gender'. For some we are even regarded just as a 'creature'.
Why do some of you like openly revealing what you are?
Many people feel that the only way to change society's perception of trans-people is to become the "known" element in people's lives. People tend to be afraid of what they don't understand. Being out gives you the chance to educate the public one person at a time.
It's just like homosexuality. Not so long ago most homosexuals were closeted, and so most people thought (wrongly) "Oh, I don't know any of those type of people. They're all a bunch of perverts, and I'd know if I knew any of them." Now most people know at least a few out gays and lesbians, and they've come to know them as regular people. Slowly but surely society is coming around to near-total acceptance.
Me, I have mixed feelings about being out. At this point I live in a small town and am in the process of transitioning, so I don't really have a whole lot of choice about being out. Part of me would like to move away and start over where no-one knows me. But part of me feels that A) To deny the first 30-odd years of my life is to deny a large part of what made me who I am, for better or for worse. B) It's a relief not to have to remember who knows what. I can make silly jokes about myself, or go on a date, or reminisce about my childhood without worrying about "What if someone finds out?" or "How am I going to explain myself?" C) No matter how much I wish otherwise, the fact is I'm not just an ordinary guy. I will always be unusually short, I will always have scars to mark where the breasts were, I will likely never be able to be intimate with someone without explaining my anatomical differences, I will never have the childhood experiences I would have had if I'd been born a boy, and I have had experiences, both good and bad, that I would not have had if I'd been born a boy.
On the other hand, there is a part of me that agrees with you. Why go through all this if I'm going to go around putting a big question mark over my head? Honestly, I don't know which side of me will win out in the end. I'm sure my views will shift as I move further into transition.
Jaime-o explained most of how I feel about it.
I have a number of reasons why I sometimes reveal myself to be transsexual. The most personal one is that I refuse to lie about myself anymore. I did that for most of my life and my disgust over my mendacity was one of the biggest motivating factors I had for transitioning. I refuse to live a lie and the truth is, I lived my first 52 years of life as a man, even if it was just pretend.
I don't announce my past and never talk about it unless it's germane to the circumstance though. My past isn't most people's business anyway. That said, as a volunteer educator I find it helps my credibility as such to admit that I am trans, since that gives me the authority to educate people about it. It's just that no one, that I know anyway, wears their "teacher hat" 24/7. I don't, so when I'm not in that role I generally keep my mouth shut.
An interesting point though, I find myself being much more willing to talk about the fact that I'm married to a woman, and am lesbian oriented, than I am of talking about my past and my transition in certain situations, at work for example. I suspect the "lesbian" label might be more self-validating. :)
hugs & smiles
Emelye
I agree with everything Emelye said. Especially about the lesbian issue. Especially when in public and people see Pat and I holding hands or kissing, they see us as a lesbian couple and I am quiet happy with that. I think the term validating is quite appropriate.
To some who know my past, I cannot hide. To others I only reveal when appropriate or germane to the issue at hand. I don't wear a sign around my neck.
To all I am accepted as female, not "third gender". No one has ever questioned my femininity. I am female and have always been so.
-Sandy(and damn proud of it too!)
Sometimes as some of the above posters have said, it's not always possible to conceal. You are in a time and place where that's just not in the cards. Some by being in a smaller place, or on a job, where people know them - others by being like Cher's son. Still others like our German singing girl, want to use it to promote themselves.
Others, like me I guess - I tell people flat out, it takes away any advantage someone might have in knowing about it, takes the humor away from it, and I never have to worry about anyone finding out. Hell, there is a picture of me in all done up to work an Erotic Event in a darling little skirt and tool belt at my union hall. I get some jobs because they know I can work in those environments and conditions.
And I always let people think what they will, they may be right or wrong - but either way, I can't control their thoughts, so I don't bother.
Quote
Hell, there is a picture of me in all done up to work an Erotic Event in a darling little skirt and tool belt
Oh great, throw a hook like that out without a link? Ooh you teasing cow! :) hehe
I was in a bit of a rush when I replied last time, but now I have more time so...
The thing is. If I don't tell, seeing as there's a large group of family and friends that know me and have known me as a girl in the past, I am setting myself up to be "outed" against my will. By being open about my situation, I am in control of who knows, when and under what circumstances. I may be in a better situation to pass than some, but there's always going to be someone who knows. I can't erase all knowledge of my past history from the world without killing a lot of people.
I also want to preserve my self acceptance. I am who I am because of the road I've traveled. To deny that road is to deny what made me the man I am today. It is to deny a large portion of myself. And I do not want to do that to myself.
I think those two are the two biggest reasons why I'm never really going to go for "stealth". It doesn't mean I'll introduce myself to every stranger with a "Hi, Hans Miniar Jónsson, Trans-Man!" but it means that I'm not going to hide it either.
I wish I had a link, its a physical picture unfortunately, and I don't even have a copy - but I sure hear about it all the time.
The main reason I identify as a trans person is because our culture and society has so far to go in granting transgender people equal rights and status. One of my missions in this life is to spur them along if I can.
I am presenting a workshop (co-facilitated with one of my FtM friends) in the West Palm Beach FL area on Nov. 21, entitled "heterosexism and transgender oppression". If anyone in the area would like to attend please PM me and I will send the info.
I generally do not "openly" reveal it. If asked, then I reveal it.
Being honest is a best one when dealing with aquaintances and strangers together.
Barbie~~
I do it to people who need to know. People who don't I do not disclose.. but to be honest there is no one in my life who does not actually know.
Your correct they don't see you as the gender they once did when you told them... :(
Jay
sometimes circumstances force us to out ourselves, like dealing with name change stuff in my case my old name is obviously male and my new name obviously female, but everyone has been totally cool with it. I did have to tell one of my friends who mentioned it in passing in a conversation with I and some others that I am just a regular woman and should not be referred to as anything else. This friend is a GG lesbian so she got the message loud and clear.
Some people do it because they are fighting for equality and acceptance for the rest of us, and I am grateful and truly admire and respect those who do this. Even if you don't agree with it, they are fighting for all of us and it has made a difference in the way we are perceived in some cases. For me however, I see no need to out myself unless it is relevant to the situation, as Sandy and others here mentioned. I consider being trans to be a temporary condition only, not a profession. If some people wonder, let 'em wonder.
At this point I have only "outed" myself for job purposes, trying to get someone to give me a reference and they needed to know I changed my name and gender in order to know who the person is asking about when they call. That said I also have not moved and most people know because they knew me before I transitioned. Having kids also makes it more difficult at times as they forget on occasion and slip with the pronouns.
I am finally meeting people who have not met me as my female name and do no plan on disclosing my past.
Myles
Quote from: Shelina on September 11, 2009, 07:16:29 AM
You don't realize by doing this people no more consider you as a REAL female/male but they consider you as a '3rd gender'. For some we are even regarded just as a 'creature'.
Why do some of you like openly revealing what you are?
That's quite a question Shelina. Yes I/we realise people don't see us as 'real', at least not right away. It's a knife in the heart every time, and honestly I don't see myself ever getting used to it. It seems we are compelled to put our money where out mouths are so to speak, and I've noticed the longer people have been transitioning the better they seem to integrate.
I'm quite aware of the third gender thing your'e suggesting, and if you recall Angie Zapata's murderer referred to her as an "
it". To say we "like" it on any level is probably inaccurate. Wer'e doing the best we can with the pretty crappy lot dealt to us. Your'e having the experience too, would you really consider it fun? Would it be more proper for us to go around depressed and sighing during transition, or to face the things we face closeted and alone; or does it make sense to find some kind of joy and try to live through transition even if it results in openly revealing
"what" we are?
Everyone who knows accepts me as Male so far.
I can't know what goes on in their head so I can't tell for 100% sure that they see me as I am, but they don't treat me any different than my brother.
Quote from: Shelina
Why do some of you like openly revealing what you are?
/quote]
I don't think "like" is the right word for it. It's more apt to say that "openly revealing" is, for some, the best of bad choices. I don't want people to think I have been deceiving them.
I don't. Ever. I've never been asked (I skipped the what-the-hell-gender-is-THAT stage and went straight from being seen as a butch lesbian to passing), but if I were, I'd lie like a politician. The only people I've told are the necessaries: my parents and the clerks who changed my documents.
I lived for most of my life as a heteronormal female, and I know damn well that a good deal of otherwise fine people do NOT view transsexuals as the gender they present as, but as transsexuals. I did this to be viewed as a man. Not a T-man, not a used-to-be-a-girl-but-chopped-her-boobs-off, not a oh-man-that's-really-a-woman?! - a man. By everybody. I don't care how accepting 90% of the world might be; I'm stealth because of the other 10%. I prefer to think of transition as not a life choice, but an actual transition - a temporary journey from one thing to another.
Quote from: Shelina on September 11, 2009, 07:16:29 AM
You don't realize by doing this people no more consider you as a REAL female/male but they consider you as a '3rd gender'. For some we are even regarded just as a 'creature'.
Why do some of you like openly revealing what you are?
"Like" isn't the right word.
I simply recognize that trying to "get away with it" and failing is even worse. when you are making a laughably inadaquate effort at passing, you are even more an object of scorn, IMO, than if you simply admit you know what they know - that you are not fooling anyone.
Post Merge: September 11, 2009, 11:09:38 PM
Another aspect is what Emelye alluded too - I'm done with masks.
If someone asks me "what's up with the changes?" I have found I CAN'T play it off and not tell the truth. I spent 40ish years lying and faking and I'm not interested in more of that.
Maybe someday I'll be pretty enough that no one who doesn't know me will ever think of it and if so, I sure won't wear a badge that says "Hi! I'm Trans!"
But I'm done lying and faking.
Because I am who I am, and I don't want to live my life in fear. Your past shouldn't be a shame. Not unless you were a nazi prison guard or something. So what if I had the life of a boy growing up? It's nothing to be ashamed of.
And I also feel like I don't fit a lot of stereotypes that are out there for our community, so I think it does change people's minds. Plus I'm so easy to get along with, even when people start out disrespecting me, they eventually love me.
I also don't correct people if they screw up my gender. Which doesn't happen a lot, but it does happen. When I first started my current job, the manager outted me to everyone, which was whatever. But so this one girl just kept using male pronouns to refer to me, even in front of customers. Which just made her look dumb, because to our customers, obviously, I look like a girl. But I was like, whatever. And just let her keep doing what she was doing without any correction. A week later, she has all of the pronouns straight on her own. And everything was kosher after that.
I don't care who knows honestly. So long as they don't physically harm me, then I'll take my chances against anything they want to say to my face. But generally, I'm so easy going and easy to get along with, it's all good.
I think it's good for GLBT too. This staunch republican fox news watching guy actually went out of his way one day to say that he was for gay marriage. And I think it was in small part because he had gotten to know me and be friends with me, so he stopped seeing the GLBT community as such an other.
People need to understand, we're not a sensational fetish. We're just people.
So I'm not going to live my life like a fugitive. I don't believe that makes any part of the situation better.
The only time I won't out myself is if my safety would be in danger by doing so. You have to be smart.
My best friend doesn't care if people know she's a transsexual. To her, if they don't like that she's trans, tough titty. For me, it's not so much that I care what people think, it's the fact that I don't think it's necessary for random people to know my business. Yes, I'm a transsexual woman, but I don't have to tell you that just because we went to a party together or take the same class. I'm a private person and I would rather keep that part of me to myself. Other people don't have a right to know about it. I only tell a select few people, and those people will keep it to themselves as well. It's just how I prefer to operate.
Even within the vicinity of a gay person or another transsexual, I don't say anything about myself. But if they want to talk about their own experiences and themselves, that's perfectly fine by me. Go for it!
I'm pre-op and not stealth, but my transgender is not one of the first things I use to talk about myself.
When I was started grappling with this, this time around, I was feeling sorry for myself and said to my minister: It'd be a lot easier to be gay.
She said: That's because everyone knows someone who is gay or at least knows of someone gay. They don't know that they know a transsexual.
Her response made a lot of sense to me. So by transitioning openly, the people around me are learning that that seemingly normal man is really a trans-woman but still a normal person.
Plus, this is a small town. So what Jamie said, and what Miniar said, and what a lot of the others have said. Being transsexual is not something to be ashamed of. So far (*knock on wood*) no one has treated me as anything other than someone who is struggling to be as much of a woman as she can.
As Laura said, I've lived a lie for far too many years. Enough! >:( I don't wear a sign and I don't bring it up, but I'm not hiding it either.
- Kate now and forever and if you don't like it, tough noogies.
My coworkers think I'm a gay man. My customers think I'm a woman who works a man's job, so i probably get clocked as a lesbian a fair bit, especially when people see my male name tag and still think I'm a woman. Sometimes people wonder if I'm female to male. Supposedly some people think I'm a gorgeous straight boy (I think they're just hoping at this point.) My significant friends know I'm trans. I met a person new to our social group the other day who said she was really confused at first - the hair and earrings had her going female, but my male name threw her for a loop. And then she thought my friends were talking about me getting a boob job. No, they're real. "Can you feel them?"
I go through life from one situation to the next pretty much.
The name thing is getting to be a really big bitch, though. I've been asked at least 3 times "What's your real name? No, really, what's your real name?"
Funny! Being the only transgendered person in my town and school that I know of, a lot of people have prejudgments and when some actually get to know me--It changes them. To the people who are a-holes and continue to hate, they arn't worth the time or effort to try and teach...
They'll die a sad, boring and typical life anyways--While I live mines to the fullest; Haters hate, lovers create.
I am out about it because I am still mid transition. It's kind of hard to be "closeted" when one day your name is male, and the next is female (or vice versa).
For me, when this is all over with, and I am satisfied, I will not be outing myself very much.
I just finished helping facilitate a workshop at my church on how to be more welcoming to LGBT people. There was a gay man there but otherwise everyone else professes to be straight. This was the first of 13 sessions we are going to hold.
The issue that brought this thread to mind was that gays and lesbians are becoming more accepted because they are being normalized. Gradually they are becoming seen as normal members of the community because they are visible and in every community and profession.
Not so yet with transgendered people. We too often are seen as sexual deviants or perverts or just way too weird. If all of us try to be as stealth as possible, it will take a lot longer to become normalized.
I'm sure much of the population would just like us to go away and be invisible, but I'm not willing to "just go away." I am who I am – a normal person who happens to be transsexual – and people are just going to have to deal with that. No, I'm not going to wear a sign, but I have no intention of hiding, either.
Just my 2¢.
- Kate
If all of us try to be as stealth as possible, it will take a lot longer to become normalized.
Actually, in fact, to the degree that this happens, then normalized never will.
Tekla nailed it to some extent -- we will not be normalized.
Thinking that we will is kinda, well, silly, but its a kind of absurdist deal that provides hope.
And we all need a lot of hope. Transition is hard, it sucks the spirit out of you at times.
I'm out -- very out -- and while I don't tell everyone, its more because I don't really have a reason to tell, rather than my avoiding it.
I never avoid it, though, and I am very actively aggressive.
A short while back, a group went out to dinner after a support group meeting with our respective therapist. The group was a mix of all sorts, and while they were all women, they all didn't quite fit the expectations of the heteronormative patrons.
So at the same time I was being ogled by one guy who apparently couldn't remove his eyes from my breasts, a gal who is not particularly good looking was being called an it very quietly in whispers.
That was about the extent of it for a while. ONe set of patrons rushed their meal and left.
As we were leaving, I was singled out by a couple that had come in later -- the male being very drunk and very gay, the woman a bit more reserved. He loudly spoke of how awesome it was that I was being real and all this other junk.
His words hurt those I was with, I watched them plummet in their esteem when he did so -- trying to be positive, he hurt them.
So I shooshed them on out, then turned and walked up to his table and talked loudly and openly about who I am and what I've gone through, and then pointedly spoke to the things that had happened already that the others had not seen
That's why I am out.
I am out not for me, but for others. TO show that there are other transwomen who are happy, doing great, are somewhat cute if what I'm told is true.
Who have confidence in themselves.
They don't have to be out for that to have an impact either.
I am out because when I run for office starting next year, it won't matter how they see me -- people will see you as whateer they choose to see you.
I can influence their perception, but I cannot change them.
I can, however educate them -- and I do.
Because the fact is a lot of transsexuals do not always look like what society expects a woman to look like. ANd as a result, they get ->-bleeped-<- that I don't get.
That's not fair, and while I cold say "well, that's their problem", I don't.
Because as far as I see it, its all of our problem.
The best that I can respond to this question is, I had no intent originally, to be open with people about myself (unless asked). As it turns out though, I really did not have a choice in the matter. Some others here have stated, to not be open means they would have to continue a lie about who they are. And for me that prospect was just not an option. I never regretted my past. I've nothing to hide from in it. I do however have a new future. As such, everyone that I encounter whether or not they know me or know my history, have to encounter the real person that I always wanted to be.
I think that (especially all that do know me and who I am), they all have an opportunity to make themselves a better person for knowing the new me and, what this issue is all about. What possible benefit could there be for the rest of us; those that are unsure about coming out and those that are on the edge of doing so, if we that are out and vocal/obvious, just hide and fade away?
For a lot of us, being an activist though, is not something they can be comfortable with. It's an individual choice. There is no right or wrong in what your choice is, either. I decided for myself that I wanted to portray my being trans as a non-issue to the rest of my community. To a large degree, I think I have been successful. My business is still operating, people stop me on the street to say "hi". I still have the chats with the local neighbors at the fence about our local goings-on's. What possible good reason would it serve for me to not be visible? The more of us that are able to show ourselves as being comfortable in our own skin, the less of an issue we become to those in the general public that might otherwise think we are freaks. Plain and simple. Still though this is my choice and others may not be so easily situated to adapt to a more open existence.
Maybe a better question would be, "How is being public about who we are, going to benefit the larger trans community"? Are we gonna win them all (general public) over? NO, it's absolutely absurd to think so. Can being visible to the public as a whole change a few minds? Undoubtedly so! Will it be enough? That depends on how many of us are visible and open about who we are and our accomplishments in being so.
Dawn
Quote from: Estradiol Valerate on September 11, 2009, 07:16:29 AM
You don't realize by doing this people no more consider you as a REAL female/male but they consider you as a '3rd gender'. For some we are even regarded just as a 'creature'.
Why do some of you like openly revealing what you are?
I never meet someone and then say, "BTW, I'm transsexual." Never. Unless you're campaigning for civil rights or something like that, it serves no good purpose.
But if someone I have gotten to know asks in a respectful manner, I will tell them I have a different past than the average female. And then I'll do my best to ensure they walk away with a positive impression.
Julie
Why should I hide? Grab onto this, I am beautiful because I think so and therefore I am what I think I am. Those who cannot deal with it do not need to stay near me or in contact or whatever.
No more closets, time to fight bigotry and hatred head on to make this world a better place for the sisters and brothers who will come after.
Quote from: Julie Marie on September 14, 2009, 12:37:53 PM
I never meet someone and then say, "BTW, I'm transsexual."
But if someone I have gotten to know asks in a respectful manner, I will tell them......And then I'll do my best to ensure they walk away with a positive impression.
Julie
Same exactly with Marcy and I.
So far (so good), no one at church has asked, they just know and accept us as a lesbian couple with a family. Now, that in itself is quite impressive in a mainstream church.
Bev
I wonder how much age and place in society (or how well you are known in your job field I mean) plays into this. Those of us transitioning at middle age with families and children can't exactly go "stealth" vs. someone who is younger and can up and move to a new town. Also if you are known fairly well professionally or in your community through volunteer work or have been on a Board of Directors for organizations this could be hard to "hide" from.
Myles
Quote from: myles on September 14, 2009, 09:49:23 PM
I wonder how much age and place in society (or how well you are known in your job field I mean) plays into this. Those of us transitioning at middle age with families and children can't exactly go "stealth" vs. someone who is younger and can up and move to a new town. Also if you are known fairly well professionally or in your community through volunteer work or have been on a Board of Directors for organizations this could be hard to "hide" from.
Myles
I agree, Myles, but I look at it from a slightly different angle. I was fully accepted as *him* in my neighborhood and community and was on the board of directors at my church and am still very active there. I am fully accepted by all. If I just showed up as an unknown 20 year-old in transition would I find the same acceptance? I'd like to think so, but I don't know.
- Kate
A lot of it depends also on winning a genetic lottery - some people are always going to pass, almost no matter what - other are never going to pass 100%, no matter what.
Quote from: Sandy on September 11, 2009, 09:48:56 AM
I agree with everything Emelye said. Especially about the lesbian issue. Especially when in public and people see Pat and I holding hands or kissing, they see us as a lesbian couple and I am quiet happy with that. I think the term validating is quite appropriate.
To some who know my past, I cannot hide. To others I only reveal when appropriate or germane to the issue at hand. I don't wear a sign around my neck.
To all I am accepted as female, not "third gender". No one has ever questioned my femininity. I am female and have always been so.
-Sandy(and damn proud of it too!)
What she said! I also have younger children so at times I have been outed for that reason. I think acceptance largely depends on how you carry yourself as well. Most people in my life know and no one questions my gender. To them I am just like any other Mom, any other woman and that's it.
I transitioned in a small town... basically everyone knew and most accepted me. Whether they saw me as a woman or a man in a dress, I don't know. I later re-transitioned in the same town. I live in a glass house ;D
I live in a small town now. Last season our state introduced a gender identity/expression anti discrimination bill. I outed myself to legislators, I wrote letters to newspapers, I've spoken at a few churches. We're not going to attain our rights if we don't speak up. That said, it's not like I out myself constantly. But if it seems like a moment I can educate, I do it.
Z
I agree with most of what the others have said. For me, people who get to know me and then find out I am Trans, it breaks down that "I don't know any one like THAT". It gives a face to who a Transwoman is.
As far as revealing my past, it helps explain my situation. This can actually help in certain situations. Such as working with the Unemployment Office. It seems that my old name is tried to my claim, and by revealing my Trans past, it overcome a lot of explaining.
Janet
Quote from: Zythyra on September 20, 2009, 07:23:35 PM
I transitioned in a small town... basically everyone knew and most accepted me. Whether they saw me as a woman or a man in a dress, I don't know. I later re-transitioned in the same town. I live in a glass house ;D
I live in a small town now. Last season our state introduced a gender identity/expression anti discrimination bill. I outed myself to legislators, I wrote letters to newspapers, I've spoken at a few churches. We're not going to attain our rights if we don't speak up. That said, it's not like I out myself constantly. But if it seems like a moment I can educate, I do it.
Z
It's great that you can speak in pulbic for transgender people. I am not quite sure whether I will have such a chance, but talking each other is always nice.
Barbie~~
Sometimes I just feel like it.
I only reveal it to people who I trust and who I think would be nice to talk to about it.
Quote from: Autumn on September 13, 2009, 02:15:57 AM
And then she thought my friends were talking about me getting a boob job. No, they're real. "Can you feel them?"
I managed to miss this on first reading, I'm glad I decided to look again becuase it's cute ;) I met a new therapist the other day and we started talking about breasts. I could tell she was dying to check them out but used every ounce of professionalism to keep from asking.
I'm a little new to boobs in general and especially their ettiquette, do women often compare such things to the extent of actually touching them?
I've only had one person feel my breasts - a woman with whom I am very friendly. ;) It was early in my transition and they were almost all fake at that time. She was dissappointed. I've never had anyone even look like they wanted to touch them, but then I'm not exactly a young woman. ::)
I've only had one person ask if my breasts are real - a man. He knew me before transition and when I started showing up in skirts thought I was CD. When I told him I was TS instead, he asked: So those are real, huh? :)
Going from presenting male to presenting female the next day, complete with B-cup breasts, I was really surprised no one mentioned them or seemed to think it strange I had them.
Life's a trip. :D
- Kate
If people think less of me because I'm trans that is their problem, I wouldn't want to be their friend, work for/with them, date them, shop in their store anyway.
Right now being trans makes life harder, one day it won't be this way. The reason it won't be this way is because we stand up for ourselves and yes that means outing ourselves sometimes.
It took me a long time to realize being trans is not shameful, it's natural, it's a treatable affliction, and if looked at without a bigoted eye anyone can see plainly that we are beautiful and amazing "creatures"
You really can't beat honesty. And if you're somewhere where you feel like you can't be honest, then you really need to question why you are there in the first place. Having said that, though, I certainly wouldn't advertise the fact. In my case, the less noticeable it would become during transition, the less questions would be asked me, and the less I would need to divulge over time. So, minimizing the questions would be my goal - not coming up with lies or excuses. Those in my inner circle, like a lover or anyone that I'd hang out with one on one, would certainly know my past. If I didn't think that they would accept me for me, then I wouldn't waste my time or energy on them.