Okay, this is kinda of strange to describe. I was rush with different feelings, since at 2 p.m. I was coming down with tears and craziness because I wanted to be female so badly. It comes and go like hormones. I even envision myself with everything done, and I see reality blurring for a moment. I was just pissed off at the world, and just wanted to escape it all for no apparent reason. I hate it all, then now I am accepting it all. And it's a cycle that goes back and forth, since if I dwell on the negativity of it then it just gets gloomy. But when I am in that mood, it's like the world is falling apart all around me...
Then at 3 p.m. I started liking my body again, and now I think I am the sexiest person alive. I like my male parts a lot (more then enough I think for transgendered person should), and I wanted to cut my hair short again to become even more attractive. I notice I am uglier with longer hair and right now it's about 3.5 or 4 inches long, shaggy I guess. Then with short hair I look younger, and thinner.
But then the woman comes alive, and then I start wanting to be a woman. It's like I have two different personalities in me. One male and one female, even though the male in me wants to be feminine.
For a profession I want to entertain, I know that's what I want to do, like a geisha I guess. I want to be beautiful, desirable, and keep people memorize by me through my arts. If I can relate to anyone it's either a geisha, a musician on stage, or a a professional stripper (not a prostitute but like a dancer on stage with people lusting).
There has to be a psychological reason to want to be love and have attention...
So if I like my male body, but then hate it because I want to be a woman, what does that make me? I want society to see me as a woman, and I want my face to be a woman, but I'm fine with the body except I wish it was thinner and more curvy but I don't have a strong desire for breasts and a vagina just the general femininity, and to look sexy, that comes along with it.
Understand what I am saying?
I want to be this in my female mind, http://farm4.static.flickr.com/3437/3925308789_28b4c84fc2_o.jpg (http://farm4.static.flickr.com/3437/3925308789_28b4c84fc2_o.jpg)
But I am okay if I look like this, http://celebrity-pics.movieeye.com/celebrity_pictures/Mitch_Hewer_188244.jpg (http://celebrity-pics.movieeye.com/celebrity_pictures/Mitch_Hewer_188244.jpg)
I don't look neither though. I don't need to look exactly like them, but when I am thinking of happiness and myself I see me in them in their looks.
In two words. HELL NO. I want my boobs bigger, I want my hips bigger, I want my butt bigger. I want what is left of the boy bits gone. I am a woman and I want a woman's body, period. I hate everything male about my body.
Ok, I feel better now.
Hugs and Love
Janet
That's what is so confusing, since I am assuming a true transgendered would want to completely change.
I like what is now sometimes, but I want something else. Like I want a new car... it isn't killing me inside every constant moment, but I am not happy. But I want to be complete, and I just want natural female beauty even if it's as a guy.
I don't want to be a transsexual, but I want to be a woman.
And I am not a ->-bleeped-<-, since wearing women clothing has no interest to me but it's the body I want to change.
And that is what makes us Trans. To change the body to match the mind.
Hugs and Love
Janet
Yeah, but I am content sometimes with my body, but I am never happy. It's like I'm 75% woman, and 25% guy. And that 25% is only because I am content when I love myself, or when I think I am hot. But it's a weird hot like not looking at myself, but I like the way it looks. Like it's third person.
Well I certainly do like my body now - that's actually the point when postop you really know you have done the right thing... When you finally can look in the mirror as I do today and simply think "yep that's me allright - bit too much weight, going a bit grey round the temples or whatever but definitely me!"
Prior to surgery I used to hate my body with a passion and for me back then that feeling never changed. At one point actually I got to the point where I couldn't live in a house with any mirrors because I used to stop and stare at my reflection, I despised it's maleness which I felt did not match what I expected and felt inside.
But I also get the impression that for you the feelings are more confused - you sound as if you kind of have a love hate relationship with it. That's more complicated I think, and probably indicates a period of therapy to sort out how you truly feel. You might even be androgyne.
But don't worry you'll get there, and when you do you'll be able to love whatever it is that you decide to go with. Surgery certainly isn't the answer for everyone.
well I posted some lame thing about liking yourself regardless of the body you are in but then I realized for chrissakes I'm getting major surgery to fix my body to fit my mind, so never mind :icon_redface:
I don't really want to commit to discussing the rest of it, but something that jumped out at me was the hair bit. That's a rough place to be in, be patient and don't cut it. After a while it will probably start relaxing a bit under it's own weight, and you'll be able to manage it better. Your'e in as you said a "shaggy" stage right now and that does get better :laugh: In my world at least, letting my hair down on my bare shoulders is extremely dysphoria relieving.
Something that helped me was a product called "Proclaim Professional Care Glossing Polish". It has aloe and other oils in it, and really helps with the frizz. It makes your hair shiny and attractive, but not oily looking like a lot of products do. If you keep cutting your hair every time you get a bout of dysphoria, your'e never going to know if long hair is your thing or not so hang in there!
I do the same thing, Megan. :)
I do for the most part. granted I which my shoulders and chest were a little narrower then what they are. I would like my breast to be larger but they are still in the growing stage. So I just have to be patient. Otherwise I wouldn't change much about my figure. I have a long yet mildly curvy shape. I've really come to like it for the most part. We'll see how much more hormones changes it but the subtle softening and the rounder parts has been nice.
Most of my major concerns are in my face.
I can relate to your post 100%, that was me at some recent point in time (2 months ago), then i figured all out, I was frozen because i had a chance to get what i wanted for many years and was afraid loose it.
So i made a choice, i will do it, in the worst case i will end up with a few extra things.
Jossie
Megan,
It really sounds as if you just want the sexiness factor of being female. You can be sexy as a male. Lots of drag queens manage it. That way you get to be female for the night and get the attention you crave without sacrificing your maleness.
Quote from: Megan on December 08, 2009, 04:05:06 PM
Okay, this is kinda of strange to describe. I was rush with different feelings, since at 2 p.m. I was coming down with tears and craziness because I wanted to be female so badly. It comes and go like hormones. I even envision myself with everything done, and I see reality blurring for a moment. I was just pissed off at the world, and just wanted to escape it all for no apparent reason. I hate it all, then now I am accepting it all. And it's a cycle that goes back and forth, since if I dwell on the negativity of it then it just gets gloomy. But when I am in that mood, it's like the world is falling apart all around me...
Then at 3 p.m. I started liking my body again, and now I think I am the sexiest person alive. I like my male parts a lot (more then enough I think for transgendered person should), and I wanted to cut my hair short again to become even more attractive. I notice I am uglier with longer hair and right now it's about 3.5 or 4 inches long, shaggy I guess. Then with short hair I look younger, and thinner.
But then the woman comes alive, and then I start wanting to be a woman. It's like I have two different personalities in me. One male and one female, even though the male in me wants to be feminine.
For a profession I want to entertain, I know that's what I want to do, like a geisha I guess. I want to be beautiful, desirable, and keep people memorize by me through my arts. If I can relate to anyone it's either a geisha, a musician on stage, or a a professional stripper (not a prostitute but like a dancer on stage with people lusting).
There has to be a psychological reason to want to be love and have attention...
So if I like my male body, but then hate it because I want to be a woman, what does that make me? I want society to see me as a woman, and I want my face to be a woman, but I'm fine with the body except I wish it was thinner and more curvy but I don't have a strong desire for breasts and a vagina just the general femininity, and to look sexy, that comes along with it.
Understand what I am saying?
I want to be this in my female mind, http://farm4.static.flickr.com/3437/3925308789_28b4c84fc2_o.jpg (http://farm4.static.flickr.com/3437/3925308789_28b4c84fc2_o.jpg)
But I am okay if I look like this, http://celebrity-pics.movieeye.com/celebrity_pictures/Mitch_Hewer_188244.jpg (http://celebrity-pics.movieeye.com/celebrity_pictures/Mitch_Hewer_188244.jpg)
I don't look neither though. I don't need to look exactly like them, but when I am thinking of happiness and myself I see me in them in their looks.
Quote from: Nero on December 08, 2009, 07:30:13 PM
Megan,
It really sounds as if you just want the sexiness factor of being female. You can be sexy as a male. Lots of drag queens manage it. That way you get to be female for the night and get the attention you crave without sacrificing your maleness.
The drag queen look is not really sexy to me lol. It's comical.
But there's sexy for guys and there's sexy for women. That's why I like the way I look right now, since I think I look attractive. Not incredibly attractive though, but attractive enough. Some days though I think I am ugly.
But I don't care about my maleness either, it's just blah to me. When I see a beautiful transsexual it's like I want to replicate her success, but when I see a transitioning or un-passable one I lose my interest from it (or just plain ugly one).
I guess I'm just really confuse about who I am.
Megan, not all trans folks are extremely body dysphoric. My spouse isn't. While she wants to eventually be rid of her male 'factory equipment', she's not distressed by it. So that you don't hate your male bits all of the time isn't abnormal.
Just some food for thought.
WR
I was usually pretty happy with my male body. It was never great but it was healthy and fit and I looked OK. I would dress up in women's clothes and see myself as an attractive woman regardless of the fact I probably looked ridiculous. I refused to be unhappy with my boy bits as long as I couldn't do anything about them (although I did come close to cutting them off a few times). Now that I have a chance to change my body to be female, I will. If I get stopped for some reason, I'll deal with that.
Megan, I think the questions you have are best explored through therapy. There are lousy therapists out there, but a good one will help you figure out what it is that you want for yourself. That's really what therapy is about – help in figuring out what you want and need.
- Kate
Ever considered that you might be androgyne or bigendered? :)
Bigender: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Bigendered (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Bigendered)
Quote from: Megan on December 08, 2009, 04:05:06 PM
At 2 p.m. I was coming down with tears and craziness because I wanted to be female so badly. It comes and go like hormones. I even envision myself with everything done, and I see reality blurring for a moment. I was just pissed off at the world, and just wanted to escape it all for no apparent reason. I hate it all, then now I am accepting it all. And it's a cycle that goes back and forth, since if I dwell on the negativity of it then it just gets gloomy. But when I am in that mood, it's like the world is falling apart all around me...
Then at 3 p.m. I started liking my body again, and now I think I am the sexiest person alive. I like my male parts a lot (more then enough I think for transgendered person should), and I wanted to cut my hair short again to become even more attractive. I notice I am uglier with longer hair and right now it's about 3.5 or 4 inches long, shaggy I guess. Then with short hair I look younger, and thinner.
But then the woman comes alive, and then I start wanting to be a woman. It's like I have two different personalities in me. One male and one female, even though the male in me wants to be feminine.
Because of the way you suddenly switch, I thought this 'bigendered' identity might seem more accurate than being simply androgyne or transgendered. Of course, there's a whole big Androgyne Talk section on these forums that might give you more comprehensive info than I can!
Yeah, I identify as androgyne, and I can generally cope quite well with my body, sometimes it even works for me, I just get frequent bouts of dysphoria, which can be anywhere from mild annoyance to pretty damn frustrating and depressing. Some androgynes want to partially transition to get some aspects of each gender, but not others, as you do. You seem to be swinging from one to the other quite violently though, and you should probably try to get some therapy to consider how to get this highly emotional rollercoaster a bit more under control, because, let's face it, that can't be fun. :(
Above all, don't feel forced into transition because it is the 'done' thing to do. Take your time to figure out what you really want and how you really feel about all aspects of your body before you rush into making any permanent changes. Good luck! ;)
That sounds like me, a bit, feels like it.
I did consider it for a while, but it didn't actually help because being androgynous will mean I just look like a flamboyant guy. I'm not flamboyant in the way I speak and move. Rather conservative and boring.
I can relate to femininity more than masculinity, but my physical appearance doesn't bother me extremely to the point where I must change, occurs. Some days I love my look, and others I hate it.
It's just annoying, since I can't control it when those feelings come up.
Thanks for the link,
I do not think I have ever met a trans person who thinks their body is exactly what they wish it to be. Something should be different, in some way.
But this is true of most if not all women too. They feel the same way.
This is true of many men too. they feel the same way.
Hello? Is anyone listening?
Hey, I am the same way. After I spent $14,000 on my face, I realize that I could easily spend the same amount again, that is if I had the $$ again. I have a friend that has spent over $100,000 on her face and body, and she has stopped for now, but still considers her crafted body and face very imperfect.
We feel a strong need to change our body to be like the feeling of our identity, and I think this is OK. But maybe at some point we need to say enough! And just live with it, like everyone else?
In a word, no. Big boobs, (well, not really big, but too big for a guy!) big hips, (i think they're in the 40" range :-X ) feminine face... you get the picture.
I'm okay with my body.
I mean, I realize that there's nothing to totally hate about it. I'm not a model, but for being trans and having to deal with this I accept that I think that I'm in okay shape.
I don't like mine at all with one exception. I like my ankles. Having worn socks 24/7 nearly my entire life have left them hairless and really soft and smooth (could very well be a coincidence). My legs are very hairy but then right at the sock line the hair suddenly stops. Then nothing but soft smooth skin.
Quote from: VioletNight on December 08, 2009, 10:41:16 PM
I don't like mine at all with one exception. I like my ankles. Having worn socks 24/7 nearly my entire life have left them hairless and really soft and smooth (could very well be a coincidence). My legs are very hairy but then right at the sock line the hair suddenly stops. Then nothing but soft smooth skin.
Wow.
Once, I had a very good female friend for the first half of my senior year of high school. One day, annoyed at my negativity about myself, she'd asked if there was anything at all about me I liked. Despite having never considered it before, I responded almost immediately "My ankles." I told her I picked them because they look nice to me compared to everything else.
What a wonderful world we live in. :laugh:
I hated my body as a male because it was not much of a male body. 5' 7" 140 lbs with thin bones.
I like my body much better as a female but of course most woman are not happy with their body. I hope my A breasts continue to grow and my but and hips become larger but overall I feel quite feminine. I am very happy with my legs and my hair free skin. When SRS removes natures mistake I am sure I will be very happy. I feel very natural as a woman; as a man I felt very unnatural.
Pam
Hit and miss, I suppose. I don't hate the masculine-looking areas, but they're not as nice as the feminine-looking ones. People keep telling me I'm cute, but I still have a little trouble believing it.
I wouldn't mind gaining a little weight in the right places; I've got no figure at all. Luckily, I make up for it with my charming personality. ^_^
When I first started transitioning I was hyper sensitive about my body on all accounts... my hands were too big, my shoulder too broad, my waist not small enough, too tall, etc. etc.
Heck. There was a point I was seriously considering getting rib removal and fat injection around my thighs, or whatever they are capable of.
Then I started hanging out with a lot more girls (feminist lesbians and freak alterna-girls in particular) and realized female beauty came in SO many shapes, sizes, and variety.
That's when I really started to appreciate the beauty of the more androgyne parts of myself. Suddenly I realized my hands weren't really that big for my body type, my shoulders weren't so broad, especially if I stood up straight (shoulders back!), and over time with HRT / Orchi my figure really began to shape up to be more curvy.
Sure... there's still a lot of corrective surgery I need thanks to the ravages of T on my body during puberty, but I'm going for correcting a few mistakes... not trying to look "perfect" or fit some societal "ideal" of beauty.
It's funny too, because with this comfort in my own beauty regardless of some of the things T has done to my body, I've found that people much more readily see me as a woman, and I haven't even had FFS yet, nor do I really "present" as female on a day to day basis.
Anyhow... so yeah... I appreciate where I am beautiful, am definitely going to be correcting a few "edges" that have developed no-thanks to T early in my life, but beyond that I don't think obsessing over other minor "imperfections" with my body is going to make me more happier than accepting how some of those things are actually beautiful. :)
You know. Something that really helped me appreciate where I was beautiful was to stop looking at magazines, TV, and Movies with "typically" beautiful women, but rather I started seeking out women with similar body types as myself who are in the media (they're out there, for every body type, I promise!). It was really paying attention to the subtleties and their imperfections that got me to realize how I had it good. :)
Not particularly, not as it is now.
I would like to be more masculine, taller, smaller hips, no breasts, bulkier, you get the picture (oh yeah and a dick, that's kind of important). But of course, even with hormones, it won't be the same as if I were born male.
On the other hand, I could be much more feminine. And I'm not. So for that I am grateful and it doesn't bother me so much as it used to. I think what keeps me going is the idea that I can fix this in the future.
I can't relate to you though, I don't have any side of me that wants feminine beauty. And if I do, it's so passive as to not speak up so I don't know of its existence.
Chances are, you won't feminise as much as the girl in that picture. Feminine androgyne work? Maybe like Nicky. Doesn't mean you have to be flamboyant, we're label-defyers and there's no reason why we should reestablish them (they've got too much power for their own good already.)
Quote from: SilverFang on December 26, 2009, 05:03:11 AMwe're label-defyers and there's no reason why we should reestablish them (they've got too much power for their own good already.)
Amen! :icon_boogy:
Not at all.
Hate seeing myself in the mirror every time after I shower and not just because of what is between the legs @@..
Just ugly and wrong, completely, hate it.
Quote from: SilverFang on December 26, 2009, 05:03:11 AM
I think what keeps me going is the idea that I can fix this in the future.
Probably the same for me here :/ it's definitely not the people around me.
What woman is happy with her body. LOL ;D
I know a lot of women like that, including me. It's weird when I have women who are jealous of my body. O_o
Sometimes I feel very attractive, and other times I don't.
I've done all sorts of things, too, that some may question who I am (but, blah, forget them, I'm myself and that's how I roll). I had long hair, and then I shaved it all off except the front bangs... I did that before going in for SRS. I don't think they see that often. When I did it, I got ppl in the trans community that got very angry with me -- how dare I! Then, to top it off, I went and did a drag king show before having SRS. Now, people were mad, and even threatened that they were going to tell the doctor and surgeon that I don't deserve surgery -- I wasn't really trans, according to them. LMFAO
I guess I pushed a few buttons. Although, I also inspired a few people. One friend of mine, who had SRS after me, started doing drag king shows and does it regularly now. Very cool! I haven't done any in a long while, although I went and kinged it for halloween.
I'll go shopping, and I'll go walk into the boys section if I find something funky I like, such as bondage pants or the warm hoodie I'm wearing at this moment. I've had other trans folk freak about that, too. Yet, with a group of women -- no problems. Women do that all of the time.
I guess I'm a trans-rebel. LOL >:-)
Except for the one major flaw (sex at birth) it was/is okay. Of course I wanted the nice hourglass figure that I never got - I got the same cylindrical shape as my mother :( - but curvy enough to pass in a bikini at SRS (age 24). Hormonal mismanagement resulted in more masculinization over many years post-op so now I look like my grandmother! ::) but the ol' bod' is okay. It's practically hairless (nice smooth skin), sensitive in all the right places, and I have even come to like my freckles LOL!
Actually, I kinda like my body.
If it weren't for my body, I wouldn't have all the good stuff I have in the world right now.
If it weren't for my body, I wouldn't be who I am.
And the body I aim to make of it is built on the foundation of the body I have, and so, I consciously choose to love this foundation, take as good care of it as possible, and accept it's limitations, so I can make the most of what I build upon it.
If that makes any sense..
I like my legs, and my back but thats about it lol, oh and my eyes
everything else needs changing lol, softer facial features, smoother skin, bigger bum, boobs and of course the "equipment" all wrong ................
It'd be a sin not to >:-)
Quote from: VioletNight on December 08, 2009, 10:41:16 PM
I don't like mine at all with one exception. I like my ankles. Having worn socks 24/7 nearly my entire life have left them hairless and really soft and smooth (could very well be a coincidence). My legs are very hairy but then right at the sock line the hair suddenly stops. Then nothing but soft smooth skin.
Coincidence. Socks seem to have sped up hair growth on me.
Quote from: Miniar on December 27, 2009, 07:41:04 AMAnd the body I aim to make of it is built on the foundation of the body I have, and so, I consciously choose to love this foundation, take as good care of it as possible, and accept it's limitations, so I can make the most of what I build upon it.
If that makes any sense..
Totally. :icon_boogy:
Quote from: Janet Lynn on December 08, 2009, 04:34:44 PM
And that is what makes us Trans. To change the body to match the mind.
I feel that everyone has a good idea of what they might see better in themselves with a bit of imagination. There's plenty of time that could be spent despairing over what you haven't got. That and well, simply because you didn't feel ideal in, "that body," doesn't mean you couldn't have seen your better qualities for that period of time.
Everyone has insecurities. Something I've noticed often is that transsexuals let those insecurities overwhelm them to the point of cynicism about the way they feel about themselves.
Meh, just do the best you can with what you've got. I wouldn't ask anyone to do more than that for me, likewise I don't feel that it's right for anyone to ask that of anyone else.
As far as all this matching body with mind, when does it end? First you can change your name, your chemicals, your genitalia, but at what point can you be satisfied if you can only focus on what can be changed?
I like what Miniar posted:D
No...I wanted a female body but it didn't happen back then and it's not happening now....despite my endless efforts with HRT.
Yeah well, keep it real. It takes a whole lot more than some mones to fix you up right.
Quote from: inoutallabout on December 28, 2009, 05:12:10 PM
Yeah well, keep it real. It takes a whole lot more than some mones to fix you up right.
I think I do keep it real which seems to be problem for some people!
HRT hasn't had the expected effects with me, I can't lie and say it has. Others may have had better results?
I don't really like my body but I don't want to change it through any kind of surgery either. It's just not what I want to do. If I could change it by other means than I would
ive changed mine as far as i can without surgery next up the chopping block...
No, that's why I am changing it. I need bigger boobs, a smaller waist and better arms. The hormones are doing their work but I am also watching my diet. Hopefully, I won't need much surgical assistance but we will see when we get there.
I am not satisfied with mine but have no $$$ to spend on adjusting it. After too much eating thru Thanksgiving then disciplined meal habits, I am getting my 8 regular pants on again-YES!! Having said that, the other day at a family gathering and dinner, my mother in law mistook me for a female visitor who just happened to wear her hair similarly to mine. It really embarassed her but to have a genetic female think I am female made me so happy-I must be doing something right.
Randi 8)
I actually don't mind my body too much? Sure, I wish I had some nice arm and shoulder muscles, wish I had pecs instead of breasts, and wish I had male 'equipment', but I don't get too bent out of shape over it. Two out of three of those can be fixed (and will). The third one? Well, everybody has things they wish they could change about their body. I'll just make due with the best I can manage. :laugh: Everything else I want but don't have about myself is something I could change with a little bit of effort.
*coughEXERCISEcough*
... and maybe better taste in clothing.
If I'd been born the more appropriate sex for my brain; then I'd probably absolutely love myself. I take good care of my body (now), and it does the same for me (usually).
damn cody makes a cute guy dosnt he
jessica
Quote from: jesse on December 30, 2009, 02:18:03 AM
damn cody makes a cute guy dosnt he
jessica
You got that right, Jessica. It must be that exhausted look. :D
- Kate
....Skinny all over with a pot belly and no butt? no I don't like it..
I hated pretty much everything pre -T
The only part about my body I actually don't hate is my face.. its alright now I have been on T for a while..
But anything from the neck down I hate. :-\
Jay
I actually love my body, it's pretty great and does what it needs to do
Having said in an earlier post that I am not happy with my body, I need to clarify this a bit more. I am having more troubles getting rid of my 'stummy' than ever before. However, my hips have always been a little wider than my waist so I have that going for me naturally and I look alot like my mother in the face which is a good thing. And now that I am learning to fix my hair in a way that is more feminine I am beginning to like myself more.
For what its's worth, I have been mistaken for a woman (while in male attire) twice more during the holidays and it really makes me happy!!!
Randi :)