As I'm sure you're all aware, regardless of what winter holiday you celebrate, the Holidays are a very stressful time of year in and of themselves -- and even more so if you're trans and continuously being put in uncomfortable family situations. Case in point: Tonight, I had to go with my mother, sister, aunt, and aunt's step-daughter for a "girls' night out." I was miserable.
But Holidays aside, things have gotten really rough for me lately with regards to gender. I've finally asked my friends to start using male pronouns with me and Brynn instead of my far too feminine real name. This means that I'm starting to lean all that much more heavily on the male end of the gender spectrum.
How do you guys deal with the constant stress of gender dysphoria?
Therapy's not much of an option for me right now. I'm not comfortable opening up to a complete stranger who's more invested in my checkbook than feelings. (I'm aware I'll need therapy should I decide to transition, but that's another matter entirely.) I already talk to my other gender variant friends, particularly my fellow male-identified friend, but they're too busy to really hang out or anything during this time of year. As a I.
This sucks. Help?
Oh stress, do I know stress...
I'm not sure I've found a real way to cope, I just have periods of time where I can and can't deal which comes with embarrassing breakdowns. The thing is, if you're the type to have it build up and not notice it, it's very hard to kind of do damage control after the fact. And then you usually blow up over unnecessary stuff.
I guess the best thing you can do is try to be aware of your feelings. I think what has made stress worse for me is when I don't pay attention to myself or my needs, so make sure you're doing that. Keeping yourself occupied but not burnt out is another coping mechanism I do. Sometimes I'll focus on an activity for a certain period until I get a bit stressed over that and then I'll take a break and do something else, then come back to it, and that way I'm being stimulated positively rather than making more stress than necessary. You kind of want to make a balance of things. For me, I can't shut off my brain or a thought pattern, but I try to make most of my focus on something that isn't about gender issues. I think that's helped me the most.
You have my sympathies on the girls' night out...but can't you opt not to go to functions like that one?
Good for you on the pronouns and name--I hope your friends are doing a pretty good job in that respect. It can be a big help.
When I was out but pre-transition, I found immense relief in exercise.
I kept telling myself to take life one day at a time, but that was actually too much. Sometimes it was one hour at a time.
I found that it was helpful to have little things to do. I would make a list of tasks and try to do some of them. It might be as little as sending an e-mail to a friend or taking a shower or setting up the DVR to record a TV program. Once you cross a few easy things off the list, it can get easier to do a slightly bigger thing. And if you can stay busy off and on, that bites into the time that you would otherwise spend fretting or obsessing.
Quote from: Brynn on December 22, 2009, 12:51:29 AM
Therapy's not much of an option for me right now. I'm not comfortable opening up to a complete stranger who's more invested in my checkbook than feelings. (I'm aware I'll need therapy should I decide to transition, but that's another matter entirely.)
I feel I have to say something about this. First of all, a therapist may start out as a stranger, but trust builds over time (if not, find another therapist). Second, if you're having a hard time coping, you might find therapy helpful now. It's worth a shot, and a good therapist can help you decide whether to transition. You might not want to wait until you decide, on your own, to transition. And third, while I believe that some therapists are more interested in their livelihood than in their clients, I would never make that assumption about therapists in general. My therapist is a case in point. When I first I started seeing him, I wished I could come in three times a week, but he would not allow that. And recently, he offered to cut his fee for me because he knows I'm now unemployed. There may be some "bloodsuckers" out there, but not all therapists are like that.
And you can spend a lot of time getting virtual hugs here at Susan's, as you know.
How do you deal with the stress? You just do, I guess. Think of the future, and work for how you want that future to be.
I understand. Here's my holiday story: I've been working in the same shop I've worked in over the holidays for the last 5 years. I am very happy there, everyone in the staff is calling my by my new name (Alex) but I haven't come out to them as transgender. So I am still included in "girls will you do... ladies will you just..." etc. I try not to let that upset me, because they don't know. They are not trying to insult me.
I think thats what we have to keep in mind. People, in general, are just doing exactly what comes natural to them. It hurts us, but they don't know that it does.
Customers see me as a woman, despite the mens clothes and the binding. So they socially interact with me as if I were comfortable as a woman. Some men are jerks and (in the UK at least) will insist on calling me "love" "dear" "darling" whatever... It is stressful (I even hated this when I wasn't so dysphoric and I know a lot of women comfortable in their gender hate it too). When they do this, I grit my teeth and get on with it.
Think of the money you're earning, the fact you are seeing friends or anything else BUT the dysphoric feeling. It's hard and there are times you struggle with it, but there's nothing for it but to try and avoid thinking on it. That's all the advice I can give!
Wow, do i ever hear you...
I'm not "out" to my parents (or family) yet so while that's one less thing to think about while interacting with them, it is also a little stressful to keep in. Not saying a THING until after this week is done and over. My best friend knows and is supportive, though. I just grin and bear everything that comes with keeping this a secret.
Oh, as for "girls night out" that usually in this family means SHOPPING. NO matter my gender i am a SHOP-A-HOLIC. That has not and will not change. So i happily go along with shopping trips (even though we end up in a free-for-all in the middle of the store when my mom sees my clothing selections.) :D
So at this point i'm not stressed over the transition as much as i am over the holidays. I try to focus on little things to get me through this.
Like the fact i told my doctor and have an "ally" in her. Like the fact that i'll be starting therapy soon so i can more focus on the legal aspects of the transition (and how to tell my parents). Like the fact that i'll be starting T soon.
I look forward to those days instead of focusing on what's happening here and now (which sometimes leads to daydreaming.) ::)
Exercise helps otherwise - my spin class (which ended last week) would get me so focused on my body that i wouldn't be ABLE to stress out. And Yoga. I'm going back for the next spin class.... it seemed a great way to burn off some steam.
As for the holidays.... whew. More stress there than anywhere else. We're hosting dinner at my place this year and my mom is a total NUT. So far i've had to argue about assigned chores (they tried to dump all the cleaning on me and i said "Uh uh no WAY"), argue about christmas eve AND christmas day dinner (and who cooks it), argue about what i was going to wear ('No, thats a GUYS shirt", "but those look like guys shoes", "where did those pants come from"), argued about church ("but you HAVE to go", "what do you mean you get BORED").....
I swear, it's like we're a sitcom!
My mom likes to take me out shopping and stuff and she calls it "Girls day out"....I facepalm and think "It's ok, maybe someday she'll understand". That's about it
Nowhere in real life do people use male pronouns for me. At least they use one of my many names other than my birth name
Quote from: FolkFanatic on December 22, 2009, 12:28:44 PM
Oh, as for "girls night out" that usually in this family means SHOPPING. NO matter my gender i am a SHOP-A-HOLIC. That has not and will not change.
Heh. I was once told by an FTM that...let me remember this right...well, it was something to the effect that it was all right for me to like shopping, that I didn't need to hate shopping to be a man. Something like that. But the thing is, I really do hate shopping. That has not changed, and I'm glad!!
Back to the subject at hand. Brynn, have you tried meditation, deep breathing, stuff like that? I don't do either one, but some people do and find it helpful.
Quote from: Arch on December 22, 2009, 02:17:50 AM
You have my sympathies on the girls' night out...but can't you opt not to go to functions like that one?
No, not really.
And as far as therapy goes, I'm
really not interested in getting into that right now. Therapy's not my thing, so I'm not gonna do it until (or unless) I transition.
Thanks for the input btw guys. I appreciate it.
i would definitely suggest excersize to deal with stress as well, a good workout always leaves me feeling good even if ive had a ->-bleeped-<-ty day.
on a side note (and not to change the topic) ive been seeing a therapist my whole life, could she "evaluate" or do w/e it is that needs to be done to get on t or is t a specific type of therapist that is required?
and back to the original topic, i have 3 sisters all obviously quite different from me and while i enjoy getting new clothes i feel your pain on the "girls day/night out" thing..
Quote from: fdfge on December 22, 2009, 05:42:19 PM
i would definitely suggest excersize to deal with stress as well, a good workout always leaves me feeling good even if ive had a ->-bleeped-<-ty day.
on a side note (and not to change the topic) ive been seeing a therapist my whole life, could she "evaluate" or do w/e it is that needs to be done to get on t or is t a specific type of therapist that is required?
and back to the original topic, i have 3 sisters all obviously quite different from me and while i enjoy getting new clothes i feel your pain on the "girls day/night out" thing..
Yeah, I've been wanting to go work out, but I haven't had time
at all with family in town and my usual workout buddy just as busy as I am.
As school, parents, friends, the WORLD sees me as female, my girlfriend treats me like a guy, understands my feelings and always lets me know she knows who I am. The way she treats me is comforting and she's my only support currently. The stress of my dysphoria just disappears when I'm with her.
Stress. It's my middle name.
Quote from: Arch on December 22, 2009, 02:17:50 AMAnd recently, he offered to cut his fee for me because he knows I'm now unemployed.
They laid you off? I'm sorry to hear that Arch. :(
I meditate, make sure I eat proper, remember what good I got (people & things), and so on..
And I take my time when I "need" it.. this is something that's been really hard for me to learn to do actually.
When you have mountains of work to do and only so much time, start by taking 5 minutes to just relax and get into a calm mindset. If you're frantic or panicky then you can't work as fast nor as efficiently. If you're calm and in control of yourself to the point where the situation doesn't "feel" out of control, then you get more done in less time.
Also, When the people around you are "too much", then taking 10-30 minutes to recoup will make you a far better person to be around and they won't feel as abrasive either. Worth every moment!
I use other people's medical marijuana.
Quote from: tekla on December 23, 2009, 12:47:58 PM
I use other people's medical marijuana.
I don't do drugs, alcohol, or tobacco dude.
I don't do drugs, alcohol, or tobacco dude.
Good for you, that's more for me. And marijuana is routinely prescribed by doctors as a treatment/management tool for dealing with stress. (Its true, 'stress' is the number one reason for medical marijuana prescriptions in California, with 'insomnia' being #2, and trying harder no doubt.) And god forbid, for as long as there have been 'holidays' that are about spending time with 'family' there have been a slew of wonderful alcohol-based cocktails going back to Mead and Mulled Wine designed to make that quality family time a bit more bearable.
Almost all Christian cultures have alcohol-based holiday specialty drinks going back hundreds, and in some cases over a thousand or more years old, so its not some revolutionary new idea that drinking helps make the holidays happier and less stressful.
Quote from: tekla on December 23, 2009, 07:28:25 PM
I don't do drugs, alcohol, or tobacco dude.
Good for you, that's more for me. And marijuana is routinely prescribed by doctors as a treatment/management tool for dealing with stress. (Its true, 'stress' is the number one reason for medical marijuana prescriptions in California, with 'insomnia' being #2, and trying harder no doubt.) And god forbid, for as long as there have been 'holidays' that are about spending time with 'family' there have been a slew of wonderful alcohol-based cocktails going back to Mead and Mulled Wine designed to make that quality family time a bit more bearable.
Almost all Christian cultures have alcohol-based holiday specialty drinks going back hundreds, and in some cases over a thousand or more years old, so its not some revolutionary new idea that drinking helps make the holidays happier and less stressful.
Trying to convince me to start drinking and doing recreational drugs really isn't going to help things. You're wasting your time, as well as in no way offering me a viable way to alleviate some of my stress.
Quote from: Brynn on December 24, 2009, 02:37:26 AM
Trying to convince me to start drinking and doing recreational drugs really isn't going to help things. You're wasting your time, as well as in no way offering me a viable way to alleviate some of my stress.
I think Tekla might be saying, at least in part, that drugs are how we define them. Birth control pills. Ibuprofen. Caffeine. Testosterone. Booze. Pot. Which ones are "drugs" and which are "medication"?
Heh. I remember a huge junior high drug assembly that I was forced to attend. The first question the presenter asked was, "How many of you use drugs? Raise your hand if you do." No hands went up. Then he said something like, "So, nobody here even takes aspirin?" The funny thing is that when he asked the opening question, I was thinking almost that very thing--"Well, I take cold medicine sometimes; does that count?" I was just being internally snarky, though. I sure as heck didn't raise
my hand.
Brynn, I used to go for a drive before I came home from support groups and stuff like that. If it was nighttime, I could get on the freeway and just drive--and yell at the top of my lungs. Boy, it was good to get that out.
As a teenager, I used to do something very similar when my parents dragged me to football games. Yelling and screaming at ball games is a GREAT way of venting your frustrations. I highly recommend it. And you can do it in your own living room. Except I guess football is mostly over, so you'll have to choose a different game. But there are bowl games...
Quote from: Brynn on December 24, 2009, 02:37:26 AM
Trying to convince me to start drinking and doing recreational drugs really isn't going to help things. You're wasting your time, as well as in no way offering me a viable way to alleviate some of my stress.
Doesn't look like anyone's trying to tell you what to do. Just telling you what they do. Tekla included.
i sleep or read when im really stressed other then that its gym time i find a few miles on a treadmill does wonders for my sanity
jessica
p.s. brynn chill a little bro noones attacking you here
Well since you opted out of the number two way that people deal with this, at least the ones I know, which is by exercise, I just thought I'd submit the number one most popular way to deal with holiday stress in Christendom, both numerically as well as historically.
And it works for just about everyone in the family. There is a reason that so many of the popular holiday drinks are kind of fru-fru, like eggnog, mulled wine, hot buttered rum, brandy and coco, its so that grandma and the kids can have some too. Matter of fact, I bet the first time that lots of people get to drink with their family for the first time is stuff like eggnog and wine with Christmas dinner.
And for sure, if it's the twenty-second time you've heard Aunt Clara tell that damn endless story that goes nowhere that she always tells at the holiday gathering it sounds a lot better as you're working on your fourth or fifth egonog.
It's not like some weird fringe deal, the number one industry where I live is making wine, (and its swell buddies:champagne and brandy). The number one cash crop is mary jane. And remember, I'm in Northern California, its not 'recreational' it's 'medical.' ... see, I got's me a note from my doctor right here...
Of course, there is the way that most adult people I know deal with whatever family stress this holiday brings on. They don't do it. After all, it's your holiday too. Why be forced to spend it doing something you hate?
Think about this. Most resorts not only have the most expensive rates this time of year that they have for the whole year, they are also booked solid. Sure some of that is families doing the family thing - I know lots of families who go up to Tahoe and do that Black & White Christmas thing of hitting the ski slopes and the blackjack tables. But lots of resorts are filled with people 'getting away from it all' and mostly what they are getting away from is their own family.
Some ad on TV has this guy saying "It's your money, spend it when you want to" and I'm just saying "It's your holiday, spend it how you want to." Tell mom and pop's that next year you're going to Tahiti, or Breckenridge, or you going to LA or NYC. And do that.
Here is something that only City people types know for the most part, but the big hotels in the big cities have special Christmas Dinners that are AbFab. You don't have to cook at home, why not have four-star Jacques do it for you? And not only the cooking, other people do the clean up too. I did that once with friends back when all we all had was little studio apartments and no one had enough room to cook Xmas, much less serve it - and we sure didn't have the money to get back home, so... We got all slicked out and went to the Saint Francis and had a table for the 8 of us. One of the best times I've ever had at Xmas.
Other ideas!
-How come so many movies come out on Xmas day? Because, as it turns out, other people have trouble with their families too and find sitting with the lights out and making everyone else be quite for a few hours is well worth the price of a movie ticket. While there, you can meet up with all the people who don't celebrate Xmas at all who seem to find that December 25 is, as they say, Kung Pao and a movie day. (That's because Xmas is no big deal the Chinese Community and if you went to Chinatown in SF or LA on Xmas it would seem like any other normal business day, and that outside of the big hotels doing their special dinners, Chinese places are the only ones open.)
- For years I was alone in the big city for the holiday. And I would get with the girls from the Imperial Court, and we would all doll ourselves up in our bestest little Xmas outfits and hustle our little butts down to serve dinner and give out presents to homeless persons. And we went to do this, not at the sort of popular homeless meal place they show on TV, This was a few rungs below that, these were some very desperate persons. I dare you to do that and come away feeling either angry or hostile, or feeling anything that resembles self-pity. When we ended at about 3pm, I'd catch the bus that went right by there and ended up out at Land's End, and I'd walk the paths on top of the cliffs, watch the sun set into the Pacific and everything felt pretty good in my little world at that point. And if the whole homeless deal is too much for you, there are all sorts of people who need a little special service on Xmas day, so be of service.
- I know a pile of people, and I kind of indicated above that I'm sort of one of them, who know the Xmas day is the best day almost to get out and do something outdoorsy, you'll have pretty much the entire world to yourself. I've been out at the Coast on Xmas and didn't see another person the entire time. The Redwoods are dead quite. The bike trails all yours. No hordes of people trying to surf, just a few of the real die-hard, hard-core ones (who as it turns out are the most fun to watch too). Matter of fact, the early afternoon, say 12 to 4, is an awesome time for a hard core bike ride, as your hard pressed to ever find a time with so little traffic. It's like racing through the Day the Earth Stood Still.
I'm going to be extremely honest and tell you I'm an escapist.
I escape into video games and books. The Zelda series is my favorite when it comes to video games Ocarina of Time has gotten me through more than you can know. When it comes to books I mostly enjoy childrens(ish) fantasy/magic books (harry potter FTW) and mysteries (Sherlock Holmes is by far my favorite, though I'm currently quite buried in a Perry Mason story at the moment)
Another tool in my escapists artillery is my love for "non-addictive"substances (aka no alcohol/cigs/coke/meth/heroin ect.) ...mostly just that stinky green.. though other psychedelics are bound to make their way into my bloodstream on occasion
In my life... things are fleeting, and I try to keep it that way.
Though I really do need to get my parents to stop calling me and my sister "the girls"
Another way I deal with it is to try to think of it from their side of things... For the past at 20+ years my parents have been referring to us as "the girls" and referring to me as "she" Its going to take more than a month or two to get that out of their heads as correct.
Quote from: GnomeKid on December 24, 2009, 02:47:23 PM
I'm going to be extremely honest and tell you I'm an escapist.
I escape into video games and books. The Zelda series is my favorite when it comes to video games Ocarina of Time has gotten me through more than you can know. When it comes to books I mostly enjoy childrens(ish) fantasy/magic books (harry potter FTW) and mysteries (Sherlock Holmes is by far my favorite, though I'm currently quite buried in a Perry Mason story at the moment)
Same here you know, gaming and books. I'm also a writer, that represents a huge chunk of escapism. On the flipside, because of such a high level of escaping, pretending to be someone else and just generally trying not to think about being me, it took me this long to figure out I was trans. So escapism isn't everything :D
Quote from: Arch on December 24, 2009, 02:58:38 AM
I think Tekla might be saying, at least in part, that drugs are how we define them. Birth control pills. Ibuprofen. Caffeine. Testosterone. Booze. Pot. Which ones are "drugs" and which are "medication"?
Heh. I remember a huge junior high drug assembly that I was forced to attend. The first question the presenter asked was, "How many of you use drugs? Raise your hand if you do." No hands went up. Then he said something like, "So, nobody here even takes aspirin?" The funny thing is that when he asked the opening question, I was thinking almost that very thing--"Well, I take cold medicine sometimes; does that count?" I was just being internally snarky, though. I sure as heck didn't raise my hand.
Brynn, I used to go for a drive before I came home from support groups and stuff like that. If it was nighttime, I could get on the freeway and just drive--and yell at the top of my lungs. Boy, it was good to get that out.
As a teenager, I used to do something very similar when my parents dragged me to football games. Yelling and screaming at ball games is a GREAT way of venting your frustrations. I highly recommend it. And you can do it in your own living room. Except I guess football is mostly over, so you'll have to choose a different game. But there are bowl games...
Ah, I'm just now learning how to drive though, sadly.
Drugs don't help with stress in my experience, they just added to it.
Now I'll write, go for a walk or drive, work out, listen to music. Anything where I can clear my mind. When I'm stressed, I like to deal with it alone. If I go out and party to get away from it, I usually don't feel better after. Works for some people, just not me.
Quote from: tekla on December 24, 2009, 11:13:37 AM
Well since you opted out of the number two way that people deal with this, at least the ones I know, which is by exercise, I just thought I'd submit the number one most popular way to deal with holiday stress in Christendom, both numerically as well as historically.
There's a difference between opting out of something and being incapable of doing it due to time constraints.
Sleep, sleep and more sleep, I suggest.
Quote from: Jörgen, on December 25, 2009, 08:20:30 PM
Sleep, sleep and more sleep, I suggest.
I actually got a nice long nap in today. ;) Me, my mother, and sister all crashed for a couple hours today.
Quote from: GnomeKid on December 24, 2009, 02:47:23 PM
I'm going to be extremely honest and tell you I'm an escapist.
How could I forget? Video games, books, the internet, friends. Drawing pictures, taking walks. Nice ways to forget reality for a moment and unwind. Then back to it of course.
I know I'm a couple of days late, but here are my ways of destressing (yes I know you mentioned "no drugs" but since it's one of the things I do, I'll still keep it on the list - you don't have to participate):
- I paint
- I play Nintendo (I'm a big Nintendo-fanatic, I own all the home systems and play them all regularly)
- I read anything that has words (whether novels, comic books, poetry, non-fiction, magazines, fan fic, blogs, forums, anything)
- I smoke a little weed from time to time. I'm not chronic, but I do enjoy the relaxation (and the laughter) that goes along with getting a little high now and then.
- I watch funny stuff. Movies, shows, YouTube vids, whatever.
- I write (though not well)
- I cuddle with my cat
- I go hang at a bookstore or some other eclectic little hangout
- I take a book to a teashop (or coffee shop) and chill
As you can see, there's a lot of overlap in there, but it all just depends on the day and which appeals to me more at the time. :)
- I paint
- I play Nintendo (I'm a big Nintendo-fanatic, I own all the home systems and play them all regularly)
- I smoke a little weed from time to time. I'm not chronic, but I do enjoy the relaxation (and the laughter) that goes along with getting a little high now and then.
i ->-bleeped-<-ing love nintendo..own almost all the mario 64 games
we would get along very well lol
besides nintendo and the weed (although sometimes getting high is reminder of my problems, unless im with friends then its just fun) i run, bike snowboard, really any form of excersize helps as it releases endorphins which makes me feel good about my body
Quote from: fdfge on January 05, 2010, 03:17:48 PM
- I play Nintendo (I'm a big Nintendo-fanatic, I own all the home systems and play them all regularly)
ME TOO! except the virtual boy... I've yet to come across one that wasn't cracked, and wasn't old enough to buy one when they were first out.
Quote from: GnomeKid on January 05, 2010, 09:24:53 PM
ME TOO! except the virtual boy... I've yet to come across one that wasn't cracked, and wasn't old enough to buy one when they were first out.
Virtual Boy isn't a home system, it's a "portable"... (Which I put in scare quotes, cuz it's not really all *that* portable, lol). And no, I don't have that one (yet) either. In fact, my portable collection is pretty small. Currently only an original GB, a GBA, and a DS. :(
But for my home systems, I have the NES, SNES, N64, Game Cube, Wii (plus a few accessories, Zapper, Game Boy player for Game Cube, Game Genie, etc). They are my preciouses... ;)
I saw a vid the other day of some crazy chick smashing her boyfriend's Xbox 360, and while I don't care much for the Xbox, the thought of someone doing that to one of my systems LITERALLY made my stomach queasy. I was all tense and "icky" for awhile after watching that vid, then I had to remind myself:
A) It was just a vid on the intarweeeeeebz
B) Even if something sad :icon_cry2: happened to one of my systems, I could still (for the next few years at least) replace it
C) I sure as hell wouldn't allow anyone that unstable in my home anyways
Then I was okay. lol ;D
Quote from: NES_junkie_James on January 13, 2010, 11:09:58 PM
Virtual Boy isn't a home system, it's a "portable"... (Which I put in scare quotes, cuz it's not really all *that* portable, lol). And no, I don't have that one (yet) either. In fact, my portable collection is pretty small. Currently only an original GB, a GBA, and a DS. :(
But for my home systems, I have the NES, SNES, N64, Game Cube, Wii (plus a few accessories, Zapper, Game Boy player for Game Cube, Game Genie, etc). They are my preciouses... ;)
I saw a vid the other day of some crazy chick smashing her boyfriend's Xbox 360, and while I don't care much for the Xbox, the thought of someone doing that to one of my systems LITERALLY made my stomach queasy. I was all tense and "icky" for awhile after watching that vid, then I had to remind myself:
A) It was just a vid on the intarweeeeeebz
B) Even if something sad :icon_cry2: happened to one of my systems, I could still (for the next few years at least) replace it
C) I sure as hell wouldn't allow anyone that unstable in my home anyways
Then I was okay. lol ;D
That sounds terrible! I'd throw a fit if someone touched my systems or computer like that.