Aloha, guys and gals, names Ruben, everyone I know knows me as Rue. ;) Ruben is the name I took once I decided that I'm essentially a male stuck in the incorrect shell. xD Its not an official name yet, and to be honest, probably won't ever be, but I will explain that in a bit. I always hated my given name, 'Cheryl', mostly because it just never felt like it fit, and it felt gritty coming out of my mouth, or anyone elses for that matter, when in reference to me. x_x I chose Ruben as it fit with my nickname [which can still be used as a shorter version] and, conincidentally, means 'Behold, a Son'. xD Which wasn't my intention first, because I didn't know the meaning until I looked it up. xD
I knew for a while there was something 'not quite right' with how I was living before, and, having gone to an all girls' school, it made it FAR more striking. I knew I couldn't be 'one of them'; wearing the uniform felt like putting a round peg in a square hole, being referred to as 'she' and 'her' etc sounded so wrong to me, the words 'girl' and 'woman' never ever seemed to fit me, my body always looked like a costume and not me, and still does. I still pushed on with it for years, just trying to go along just being called a 'tomboy'. Well, that changed after I entered a new community, a year after a massive life event.
A few years after finishing college, I lost my job due to a complication in my abdomen caused by a latent birth defect. I had a malformed section of my small bowel, which resulted in it slipping in on itself like a sock, and twisting and strangulating. It had gone necrotic and gangrenous. I had an operation, but it happened again later, and this time it was cancerous. I had to spend the best part of a year as a cancer inpatient, undergoing chemo, which, after I shaved it to a buzz cut to prevent MASSIVE chunks of really long hair appearing on my pillow, caused my hair to fall out, among other things, and, I swore to myself before I got out, that I wasn't going to be afraid anymore, and I was going to leave the hospital and do things I wouldn't before. Rue was born.
I began as just 'Rue' [meaning regret] since thats what I felt for living too afraid to do things, go places, experiment, etc. And, which may seem odd to some of you, may not, I made a step into an interesting community; the Cosplay community.
That happened because, for my 22nd birthday, I went to an anime convention in London, and decided to dress as one of my favourite characters from a video game [which, when done accurately, is known as Cosplay], however, in the choice of character I made, I made the step into a sub-section of cosplay; CROSSplay, the act of dressing as a character of the opposite sex. I chose Nero of the Devil May Cry 4 video game. I found new friends from that day on, and have gotten deep into that community, which gave me a different way to explore myself without making my parents or fiancé looking at me funny [well, I DID expect my first choice of costume would make them think I was mad, but they were quite accepting of it, in fact, my dad LOVED it, and still does xD], and as such, I've never once cosplayed a female character! xD This opened doors.
This had given me a way to express myself in a fairly safe environment, where its not uncommon for normal females to dress as men/boys, even if they aren't transgendered at all, or gay/bi/etc. Its kind of like an extreme kind of the drag-king idea. xD
Anyway, I'm waffling, and will get back on track. xD Basically, I was finding myself more and more, and the cosplaying community, so I found, is full of VERY open minded people, and I've found some very supportive and understanding friends among them. :) I discussed my confusion with a few close friends, and came to the decision to act on my self-suspicions of being a male in a female shell. I found myself as bi-sexual, which I view to be seperate from my gender identity anyway, and, having been engaged for 4 years at that point, when I told my fiancé my issue, I made it clear to him [and to my close friends] that anything going on in my head makes no difference to how I see him, and my feelings for him. Whatever happens, hes the only one for me. I even told my mum how I feel in my body, and I was surprised how well she took it. ^^ I've always been a 'tomboy' in the eyes of most, so I guess it wasn't a striking revelation. xD
Well, since then, I've been making subtle changes to my lifestyle, like using some of my Crossplaying things in everyday life [like my chest binder, which I originally bought with crossplay as an excuse], and certain subtle makeup techniques to tone down any fem in my face, etc. I've always had to wear mens trousers [being just over 6ft anyway] so theres no actual change there. xD But I've made the switch over to wearing less and less feminine articles, and so on. I manage to pass successfully for the most part [some people may or may not still see through it], however, my friends have made it clear, even though I'm a 23 nearly 24 year old bio-female, I pass as a 17-18 year old boy! xDD Down to my build, mostly, and I guess, my choice of dress. xD I dress like a skater. >_> xD Thats always been my style, just made it less and less female. xD
Now, my issues are, I'm kind of stuck here, just making do with using techniques of dress, and just prosthetics and binders to make me 'me'. I can't make a full transition because my fiancé has gotten too used to my female shell [I mean, he does love me for me, but I think it would break his little heart if I made such a massive change] because there are little things he likes about my body [that I don't] that make him just so cute, like a puppy, that I think would tear him up if they went. And I don't think he could handle being ESSENTIALLY made 'gay' in a sense. [No, he's not a homophobe, its just not 'him', if you get my meaning]. That, and I think my family might have a few issues with it. Also, I have a few issues myself, with massive change. =_= I mean, before chemo, I was too afraid to cut my hair! xD Even though I new it would grow back, I was too scared to do it! xD So, in that respect, I make life harder for myself, however much I've thrown my other fears away. I dunno if these feel like valid reasons to any of you, but thats my thoughts.
So, at this point, I'm living as both, presenting as female for 'official' reasons, ie work etc, and to my family and OLD friends, and living as male within the cosplaying community, and with my NEW friends. I'm just going with the idea that the female body is just another cosplay, and the male inside can come out and play when I'm able to put 'her' away for a while again. Just an odd way of coping, I guess. xD
OMG, WALLOFTEXT... O_O I apologise PROFUSELY for writing so much for a first post! xD I mean, thats not even everything I could write, most likely has some holes in it, and probably ceased to make sense in places. xD If anyone has any questions for me, don't be afraid to ask, I'm happy to answer, and won't take them as crit. ^^
PS: I applaud anyone who read the WHOLE thing! xD
Hi Ruben and welcome to Susan's. You have a wonderful story. I happy that you have discovered who you really are and are able to live it. It's a journey but it can be a wonderful experience. I wish you the best.
Gennee
:)
Welcome aboard.
I was of the opinion I couldn't transition for my wifes sake. It can be a difficult thing to find the resolve to transition in the face of a relationship with someone you can not stand to hurt. It is a tough choice to make. One I am familiar with.
anyways this is a good place to help deal with these issue's
OMG I hoe your health is okay, I'd hate for anything to happen to my transbrothers :( I hope you make yourself at home here, too <3
I think it's important you tell your boyfriend soon, the way you describe him is he a really small person, is that true? 8D
Quote from: Little Dragon on May 19, 2010, 11:33:22 AM
OMG I hoe your health is okay, I'd hate for anything to happen to my transbrothers :( I hope you make yourself at home here, too <3
I think it's important you tell your boyfriend soon, the way you describe him is he a really small person, is that true? 8D
No, hes actually just half an inch under 6ft tall. xD And hes not slender either. xD But, its been said, hes definately the 'softer' one of the two of us in the relationship. :p
Health-wise, I should be okay, since its been well over a year since finishing chemo, almost 2 now, and I'm getting regular checks, so I'm in remission, and things are looking up. :) Its funny how something like that can REALLY change your perspectives in life; it gave me a REAL kick in the rear, I can tell you! xD
The most I've told my fiancé is that I do feel I was put in the wrong shell, and he did take it a little odd at first, mostly out of not knowing how to respond, but essentially, he knows at least that much, and is okay with it, but I'm not sure hes aware yet to the extent in which it affects me. I'm after brining him up to speed soon on it, since I've only lately been de-feminising myself more and more, and even bought my first prosthetic, and he'll have to know soon. I've been chest binding for ages now, and I could let him know about th eprosthetic first as an aid to my hobby [dreesing up as male characters] so he takes it a little easier at first, then, like my binder, wear it around him more and more til hes used to it, and, if he asks, I shall tell him why. Might be a little easier than springing it on him... Just a thought. If any of you feel thats a COMPLETELY bad idea, do let me know. xD
Hi Ruben, :icon_wave:
Welcome to our little family. Over 4800 strong. That would be one heck of a family reunion.
Feel free to post your successes/failures, Hopes/dreams. Ask questions and seek answers. Give and receive advice.
But remember we are family here, your family now. And it is always nice to have another brother. :icon_hug:
And be sure to check out these links ( MUST READS )
- Site Terms of Service and rules to live by (https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,2.0.html)
- Standard Terms and Definitions (https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,54369.0.html)
- Post Ranks ( including when you can upload an avatar) (https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,114.0.html.)
Hugs and Love,
Janet
Welcome to Susans :)
Quote from: Ruben on May 19, 2010, 11:40:50 AM
The most I've told my fiancé is that I do feel I was put in the wrong shell, and he did take it a little odd at first, mostly out of not knowing how to respond, but essentially, he knows at least that much, and is okay with it, but I'm not sure hes aware yet to the extent in which it affects me. I'm after brining him up to speed soon on it, since I've only lately been de-feminising myself more and more, and even bought my first prosthetic, and he'll have to know soon. I've been chest binding for ages now, and I could let him know about th eprosthetic first as an aid to my hobby [dreesing up as male characters] so he takes it a little easier at first, then, like my binder, wear it around him more and more til hes used to it, and, if he asks, I shall tell him why. Might be a little easier than springing it on him... Just a thought. If any of you feel thats a COMPLETELY bad idea, do let me know. xD
Hmm I don't think you should do that, because the news that youre a male is going to have the same amount of impact on him regardless if you break it to him fast or slow.. Whats important, however, is thsat he understands that you won't become somebody else.
When I came out to my boyfriend that I'm a girl, he was scared that he'd lose the "me" that he knew and loved. I quickly re-assured him that I'll always be me and always be his and he calmed down a lot. I recommend looking u some reading material online for partners of transsexuals, I think susans has a section to help you :)
Welcome! It's refreshing to see a long intro, especially when other websites allow Intro posts like "Hi, I'm new" or "new here, let's chat."
Quote from: Little Dragon on May 19, 2010, 12:28:12 PM
Hmm I don't think you should do that, because the news that youre a male is going to have the same amount of impact on him regardless if you break it to him fast or slow.. Whats important, however, is thsat he understands that you won't become somebody else.
When I came out to my boyfriend that I'm a girl, he was scared that he'd lose the "me" that he knew and loved. I quickly re-assured him that I'll always be me and always be his and he calmed down a lot. I recommend looking u some reading material online for partners of transsexuals, I think susans has a section to help you :)
Yeah, I suppose you're right there. Its gonna be hard, coz I'm absolutely CRAP at approaching subjects like this with someone who could be awkward! xD Like when I came out to him as bi; I reassured him then that it didn't mean I was going to go off with anyone else, coz I love him and only him, it just means that I can also appreciate ladies like he does. And I guess I need to use a similar approach with this subject too. [ponders]
Quote from: Ruben on May 19, 2010, 01:14:09 PM
Yeah, I suppose you're right there. Its gonna be hard, coz I'm absolutely CRAP at approaching subjects like this with someone who could be awkward! xD Like when I came out to him as bi; I reassured him then that it didn't mean I was going to go off with anyone else, coz I love him and only him, it just means that I can also appreciate ladies like he does. And I guess I need to use a similar approach with this subject too. [ponders]
Well, for a start is HE bisexual? You should find this out before coming out to him about being trans, that way you'll know if he will love the man that you are..
PS: I love transmen, always reminds me of Mulan *blush*
PPS: Btw you have 15 posts now and can now set your profile gender to male 8D
Quote from: Little Dragon on May 19, 2010, 01:30:19 PM
Well, for a start is HE bisexual? Cos if he doesnt like men, then its goin gto be a lot harder for him to accept..
Nope, unfortunately. But I'm hoping hes able to look PAST gender, since we've been together 5 years now, and accept that I'd still be me whatever happens. I mean, sure, if I EVER went on T, which at this point seems a little unlikely, there might be some slight changes, but not enough to make me not ME anymore, I would have thought, and dressing as a male and using prosthetics certainly changes NOTHING of who I am, so hopefully it wont be an issue for too long.. >_> I hope thats not just wishful thinking. xD
Quote from: Ruben on May 19, 2010, 01:35:00 PM
Nope, unfortunately. But I'm hoping hes able to look PAST gender, since we've been together 5 years now, and accept that I'd still be me whatever happens. I mean, sure, if I EVER went on T, which at this point seems a little unlikely, there might be some slight changes, but not enough to make me not ME anymore, I would have thought, and dressing as a male and using prosthetics certainly changes NOTHING of who I am, so hopefully it wont be an issue for too long.. >_> I hope thats not just wishful thinking. xD
Well I'm not expert at social science, but I'd say to go slowly for him in steps, give him time to adjust for each one. Yu could start being a boy around him (mens clothes, no make-up, binding, generally not being a girl :P) and then once hes adjusted (or hasnt freaked out yet) start persuading him to refer to you by male pronouns and call you by your male name. Do this before you start T, you'll want his support the most so treat him with most care ;D
I hope my tained black pearls of wisdom have been inspirational at the very least
PS: I edited my last post XD
Quote from: Little Dragon on May 19, 2010, 01:41:55 PM
Well I'm not expert at social science, but I'd say to go slowly for him in steps, give him time to adjust for each one. Yu could start being a boy around him (mens clothes, no make-up, binding, generally not being a girl :P) and then once hes adjusted (or hasnt freaked out yet) start persuading him to refer to you by male pronouns and call you by your male name. Do this before you start T, you'll want his support the most so treat him with most care ;D
I hope my tained black pearls of wisdom have been inspirational at the very least
PS: I edited my last post XD
Yeah, you've actually been really helpful getting my head round stuff. xD Thanks for taking the time to comment. :) I appreciate it. And, yeah, I jumped on my profile the moment I noticed I had enough posts. xD Thanks for the heads-up, though! :D
And thanks to everyone else who welcomed me; feels nice to have such a warm welcome. :D At least I've got somewhere to come to share experiences and exchange advice and stuff. :) I'm not alone anymore. :D
Wow is that you in the photo? You look very handsome! Like a japanese, nearly <3
Quote from: Little Dragon on May 19, 2010, 02:06:07 PM
Wow is that you in the photo? You look very handsome! Like a japanese, nearly <3
Youre killin' me, seriously... ^////^ Thanks, though. xD
Yeah, thats me; on the Lego Rock Band stage at London MCM Expo last October. I was dressed as one of my fave anime characters at the time, Hatsuharu Sohma. ^^ I was proud of it at the time, coz I chose to get my hair done his way instead of resorting to a wig like most people! xD
And I have noticed that people have mistaken me for a young asian/half-asian boy before when I 'dress up' or dress as male properly. xD Which amuses me coz I'm white. xD I take it as a compliment, actually, and it makes it a little easier to pass, since theyre generally that tiny bit more feminine in face. xD And I have a fascination with oriental culture as it is. xD
Quote from: Ruben on May 19, 2010, 02:10:49 PM
Youre killin' me, seriously... ^////^ Thanks, though. xD
Yeah, thats me; on the Lego Rock Band stage at London MCM Expo last October. I was dressed as one of my fave anime characters at the time, Hatsuharu Sohma. ^^ I was proud of it at the time, coz I chose to get my hair done his way instead of resorting to a wig like most people! xD
Oh youre a UK trans? <3 Me too! Yay for UK! 8D You really look japanese in that photo XD you have nice hair!
Quote from: Little Dragon on May 19, 2010, 02:17:17 PM
Oh youre a UK trans? <3 Me too! Yay for UK! 8D You really look japanese in that photo XD you have nice hair!
YAY! Spreading the UK love. ^^ Thanks!! ^/////^
[I added to the previous post just as you commented. xD]
Welcome to susans. :)
Quote from: Ruben on May 19, 2010, 02:10:49 PM
And I have a fascination with oriental culture as it is. xD
WOW thats awesome! I love japanese culture too! 8D O-genki desu ka? 8D Keki wa oishii da ne! ^_^ I love Geishas (wanna be one, dammit! >_<), japanese anime, japanese food, japanese architecture, japanese people, japan itself, japanese tv, and just about everything else in the japanese culture XD
You might be interested in the "transgenders in anime" thread i created in the entertainment, television forum ;D
Quote from: Little Dragon on May 19, 2010, 02:42:15 PM
WOW thats awesome! I love japanese culture too! 8D O-genki desu ka? 8D Keki wa oishii da ne! ^_^ I love Geishas (wanna be one, dammit! >_<), japanese anime, japanese food, japanese architecture, japanese people, japan itself, japanese tv, and just about everything else in the japanese culture XD
You might be interested in the "transgenders in anime" thread i created in the entertainment, television forum ;D
Hai, genki da yo, kimi wa? ^^ So da ne; Keki wa TOTEMO oishii desu kara. :D [now wants cake] =_= xD
Thats awesome. :D I shall have to go check it out! ^^
Quote from: Little Dragon on May 19, 2010, 01:41:55 PM
Well I'm not expert at social science, but I'd say to go slowly for him in steps, give him time to adjust for each one.
As a transsexual mate of a transsexual I must concur. Even though I am trans I still have issues accepting my spouses transition sometimes.
If your husband isn't bisexual there will come a point when he will unlikely wish to continue a sexual relationship. Some mates cease sexual relations with a trans spouse as soon as the coming out process starts. Other relationships morph and last. But be aware of the odds. They are not good. Not trying to make you down, just pointing it out so you can work to avoid issues down the road.
Quote from: cynthialee on May 19, 2010, 05:59:34 PM
As a transsexual mate of a transsexual I must concur. Even though I am trans I still have issues accepting my spouses transition sometimes.
If your husband isn't bisexual there will come a point when he will unlikely wish to continue a sexual relationship. Some mates cease sexual relations with a trans spouse as soon as the coming out process starts. Other relationships morph and last. But be aware of the odds. They are not good. Not trying to make you down, just pointing it out so you can work to avoid issues down the road.
Aye, I get your points, and I'm not seeing these as something to turn me away from the idea of transition completely, just a friendly warning. :)
Its one of the reasons I'm sort of pulling away from the ideas of surgery, and to an extent, seeking T therapy. Because I don't want my partner to pull away from ME because my body isnt his ideal anymore. I mean, I'm going to seek a therapist to talk it out with, and keep using prosthetics and binding etc, coz then I can always go back to the way I was for my partner, and its almost like the best of both worlds in a way. Just wonder how long I can keep that up before I go nuts! xD