I've been coming here for most of the last ten years since starting transition. Although I've never entered the discussion I've grown to like a few of you and dislike a few. I've come to the conclusion after reading various topics from HRT to surgery that I'd rather die than be anything trans. I've been on HRT, had FFS, BA and have still not taken the final step of srs. I choose not to live due to the unfortunate fact that it's still way to primitive and incomplete. I've held out hope of things changing but it appears not to be the case after reading Melan's thread https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,77576.0.html (https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,77576.0.html) Some of you seem to think that anything is better than what's there now and I respect that but I choose death over accepting something I find repulsive. Sorry I really didn't get to know you better, take care and good luck
Please don't even attempt to take your own life. I wish you could tell us your problems, it will make you feel so much better off loading all this baggage you're carrying around.
It sounds like you have major depression and need help a.s.a.p. Please ring suicide hotline. Please don't do it. I feel like that some time. I go to therapy, it helps me significantly. Please try. :)
I agree. You have come so far. And while Melan's is sad it isn't all the time. Please call someone. And stay to get to know us ans us to know you better.
Thanks but no thanks and yes I've been in therapy she's offered me my letter and I turned it down and money isn't a problem either I could go in tomorrow if I wanted. Sorry but talking is over I'm not a newbie I've been doing this since I turned 24 and all this time and all I've been through has been more than enough. I turn 34 in two months and since I was 4 my parents new something was wrong with me but they didn't ask and I wasn't telling. I've been living the female life since my 24th birthday but what's the point if there is no acceptable conclusion. I'm disgusted with being trans didn't ask for it, don't want it and I refuse it. Love ya Nero and Kyril you guys are the greatest. Take care
An exceptable conclusion is a genetically appearing vagina. I don't want a hack and slash job with a gaping hole,strange looking labia, or questionable anything down there. All the post op results leave much to be desired from my point of view and none look genetic all the ones I've seen (and believe me I've looked) looked far from genetic. I guess I was born too soon the technology isn't there and I'm not waiting with whats there hoping for a miracle.
I don't really understand all this, but I think your post boils down to:
"I cannot live without a realistic looking vagina."
If this is the case, I feel very sorry for you - not only because the technology is not where you want it to be, but because it seems so sad to think that a person would consider their whole future life meaningless because of a cosmetic feature. Makes me think of teen angst, "OMG, I cannot LIVE without a nose job!"
I hope you aren't serious and are looking for some attention, but if you are, I feel truly sorry for you. I wish you knew the intrinsic value you have to still offer yourself and those who love you.
Correct me if I'm wrong... Do to a couple of photos on someone else's thread about correcting their individual problem your talking about offing yourself at a young age because today's technology is not good enough for you?
Well please don't hurt yourself, deposit the funds for srs into the account of someone who would appreciate it
Some people will never even be able to get as far as you have, either cuz of health, or family. You've come so far, no reason to pull the blade, jump the road, hang the rope. I hate to sound like a therapist (I hate them) but your thinking in black and white, that what you have is either Good or Horrible Can't you see that you have now is what so many people who can't even get HRT dream of?
Think of it this way: The only people who will see or care whats "down there" are YOU and maybe a partner if you have one.
Just don't.
Quote from: Evilangel on June 01, 2010, 12:41:47 AM
An exceptable conclusion is a genetically appearing vagina. I don't want a hack and slash job with a gaping hole,strange looking labia, or questionable anything down there. All the post op results leave much to be desired from my point of view and none look genetic all the ones I've seen (and believe me I've looked) looked far from genetic. I guess I was born too soon the technology isn't there and I'm not waiting with whats there hoping for a miracle.
Please please please don't do it!
I've been there, I was literally on a bridge about to jump listening to music when a song came on that changed my mind and now I'm fighting with every ounce and won't ever give up. Some days I feel down like today but I'll never give up my dreams, no matter how hard or challenging. I have to constantly remind myself I can do it and it's not easy! I'm sure if you save up your money you can get an extremely good SRS surgeon who knows exactly what he/she is doing, I think a realistic vagina is perfectly possible =]. Just don't end it please, I care for you already and I don't even know you. I can relate to you though. Take care and if you want to talk you can PM me :).
Quote from: Evilangel on June 01, 2010, 12:41:47 AM
An exceptable conclusion is a genetically appearing vagina. I don't want a hack and slash job with a gaping hole,strange looking labia, or questionable anything down there. All the post op results leave much to be desired from my point of view and none look genetic all the ones I've seen (and believe me I've looked) looked far from genetic. I guess I was born too soon the technology isn't there and I'm not waiting with whats there hoping for a miracle.
OMG, please don't make this about the vagina, that is just way too simple. Depression can make us come up with the most ridiculous things because we can't see straight anymore.
It's another excuse to come up with instead of the real problem (a doctor can diagnose what that is), because I can't believe after all these years (10?), you are going by one single thread in this forum. That does not make any sense. You have not done enough research, or spoken to many post op women obviously.
I was trying to resist a reply to this post but I must.
50% of straight men can't pick a clitoris out of a line up! Give a man a sketch pad and pen and have him draw a vulva... We are hyper aware of the female anatomy because we've tried to find ourselves in it at times. I lost my best friend to suicide. It is the saddest act. The pain he tried to escaped is now living on in spite of his desire to stop it. Difference is the pain is in me and the rest of those who mourn him. It lives in us. Pain doesn't stop it transmutes. Keep feeling it along with the joy and the wonder and the headaches of daily ->-bleeped-<- with the rest of us please.
Lastly, I love your transness. We are beautiful valid beings and we take care of each other. Keep reaching out!
Quote from: Evilangel on June 01, 2010, 12:41:47 AM
An exceptable conclusion is a genetically appearing vagina. I don't want a hack and slash job with a gaping hole,strange looking labia, or questionable anything down there. All the post op results leave much to be desired from my point of view and none look genetic all the ones I've seen (and believe me I've looked) looked far from genetic. I guess I was born too soon the technology isn't there and I'm not waiting with whats there hoping for a miracle.
If you are waiting for technology to solve your problems, then maybe you do not know what your problems are. Seek help for your depression, as you have been around for 10 years then you now that help can be found. Killing yourself will NOT make technology advance. Maybe putting yourself forward to develop, to think, to create and to be supportive will. What example are you to those younger, or older that struggle far worse than you? Where is your feeling of love? Where is your desire to be loved? and finally, if you don't care enough to live and seek a future, why should technology, surgeons, endocrinologists - and all of us bother to help people? As Vexing and other have said the corrective surgery levels for vaginaes has been remarkable.
Take Hope. Do not take despair.
My thoughts, love and support are with you.
And join in, instead of being lonely. We are family and we support.
Please be part of us.
Cindy
I have to say that as someone who (after a recent revision) does have a fairly reasonable result which is now well within normal ranges of appearance I find the whole tone of this thread, particularly the implication that we all have hack and slash results somewhat disturbing to say the least. I was operated on nearly 30 years back and there were some limitations - but even that original result prior to update was far from a hack and slash.
To pick one person who regrettably had a minor problem (which will be sorted out) and on that basis decide that the whole thing is a disaster is both unfair, and frankly dangerously warped thinking.
The thing is most of us who get good results do not go splashing pics of our nuaghty bits all over the net!
So the assertion that ALL results are flawed is a bit akin to someone who confidently proclaims that the eifel tower does not exist because they have searched all over London but haven't found it!
In any case suicide is simply not the solution, and if the reincrnationists are to be believed probably only leads to one having to face the same issue again in a different life, but with obstacles that are no less daunting.
My advice please get help for your psychological state nd don't do this.
It sounds like you're panicking right now. I've been there. In this state of panic it seems like there's no way out. It's understandable to panic when it looks like it's impossible. But to state a cliche - your fear right now is False Evidence Appearing Real. I haven't seen the thread in question yet, but yes, people have complications with surgery sometimes. Yes, some have results that may be unsatisfactory. But in the event that happens, there are revisions and remember also that vulvas come in a huge variety of shapes, sizes, colors, and textures. Even cissexual women sometimes forget this, and go in for 'revisions' of their own! So, it is more likely you will receive your own unique vulva like every woman on the planet has.
Please take a deep breath and don't dwell on the worst case scenario. Because if that happens, there will be options. But most likely yours will just be a routine result.
Please don't be another casualty.
Take care Evilangel.
When you change your mind, you can always rejoin.
My take on it:
You'll die eventually, anyway. I don't see the need to hasten one's death over something like your innards.
You háve come a long way into it. So yes; it sounds like you're depressed and hopeless over a few pictures.
Depression is a serious condition. It's life-threatening. I'd like to say I know how you feel, since I'm clinically depressed, though not on meds. Because it's also something you can learn to live with. Not comfortably, but it doesn't need to take the mirth out of your life. And that's clinical depression; you might be treatable; curable, so to speak.
You find transsexualism repulsive? Well; I'm afraid all too many trans people can agree on that. Every one of us wishes we'd been born something we weren't. Our bodies aren't at all how we'd wish them. And we can fix that, up to a certain extent. Nobody can completely undo the way they were born, whether it's a split lip, and open back, or the wrong genitals. But all of us can correct it up to a certain extent, and live normal lives after the correction.
So yes; speak to an expert on depression. It may be linked to your gender condition; it may not be. A gender therapist is not the right person to talk to when it's about depression, so give it a go and see what pops up.
You have had FFS, BA, and taken hormones. But you still say you are not trans just because you don't want SRS? How you choose to label yourself is your business, but anyone who has gone through all that trouble is quite clearly trans in my book. Perhaps you are non-op, but trans nonetheless. And perhaps you are right, an internet porn quality vagina may be out of reach. Sigh, your holy grail.
Good luck to you. What I find hard to believe is you have lurked for 10 years and you finally posted? Is your day-to-day life that isolated as well? Maybe its time to go out and meet some people. The self-pity only works for so long, I know I've tried.
Excellent points Black Mamba! I'd just like to add that porn quality vaginas don't actually exist, they are all photoshoped! You are holding yourself to a impossible standard Evilangel. I showed the photos on the Anne Lawrence site of Brassard's work to my room mate (he's ftm not that it matters) and I can assure you that he's seen more vaginas than most of us have seen hot dinners and he was blown away by them (figuratively that is). He wouldn't even believe me that they weren't natal vaginas until I showed him what the website was about. Another important point is that none of the pictures on that site are of vaginas that are fully healed. Talking to some of my friends who are post op I am told that there is a huge difference between how it looks 6 weeks, six months and a year post op.
Don't let a few photos, old photos at that, throw you off. Talk to some post op girls in person (not over the phone or online) about their experience and I garauntee you'll feel much better about this.
Wendy xx
To reply, I didn't say I didn't want it otherwise I wouldn't have started this whole mess. Another thing I don't belong to a community, family or any other term of a group of trans people. I don't want to look at anyone naked unless we share the same bed. I am not a trans anything, if you want to claim that title be my guest. For me some terrible mistake occurred that needs to get fixed. Looking at what's available is lacking in my eyes. I read from time to time comments like, "I'll take anything " and "it's better than what was there" are ones that don't apply to me I'm not going to take just anything and be happy with it. Again if it works for you great I'm going to pass.
As for being isolated you are mistaken I'm far from it. I choose to spend time with my friends and family who also view me a person with a correctable problem not as a transperson. I have no problem if they're those that choose to take on that role but NEVER include me in that ever. I know that some here feel the same way as I; we choose not to be trans but have our problems repaired and be on our way. If you enjoy having a community, great , just don't forcibly include me if I wish not to. I have a friend in the same situation as I'm in and she also wants to get it fixed and move on so I know I'm not alone. I take people as they come not because they suffer from a similar ailment.
As a former Marine I know when to pull back from an unwinnable situation. I've chosen to see the outcome after surgery and if it turns out to be like I fear it may I'll get rid of this and move on not stay and be "clocked" and live in fear of being discovered. I always have my weapon here and it's not going anywhere. As I have said before I take them as they come and there are people here who I'd like to get to know better and you do have a point that I shouldn't have remained quiet and probably should have posted before now. If my feelings change I may be more active in the future. I came here for knowledge and I have found people I enjoy which is a bonus to me.
Once again your ability to jump to conclusions is amazing. I don't agree with them anymore than I do with the assumption that I want to be a ->-bleeped-<- for the rest of my life just because we happen to have this situation in common. I'd like a normal life free from any negativity about my birth defect. After this is over the only concerns I want is what to make for dinner and what to do on the weekend. I'm not here for the cause or anything else, I just want a normal life.
Again why would assume I didn't think so. I'm sure you do, All I'm saying is I don't want to be, don't identify as ,and certainly don't want to be called trans by anyone.
Well here we go again, after reading the post from the link explain to me how I was being divisive. I'm not, I respect how you identify I choose not to. What I am here for is knowledge. I think if I don't get to tell you how to live what gives you the right to tell me how to. This is why I don't post because of some individuals tell me I must be trans or be silent. Again I think you need to quit interpreting my words I never claimed anyone to be lesser in anyway.
Back to subject at hand, Please.
We aren't telling you that you have to identify as trans or that you have to get srs. Like you I don't think of myself as trans either, I believe it has a negative effect on someone when they focus on those trans words. All we are trying to say is don't give up! Don't kill yourself over surgery.
Evilangel
Take care of yourself and stick around, some girls have minor and other problems after surgery, I had my surgery 25years ago,had some appearance problems but got it sorted,
Quote from: rejennyrated on June 01, 2010, 04:29:29 AM
The thing is most of us who get good results do not go splashing pics of our nuaghty bits all over the net!
Exactly, but I remember showing my Mother my results and she said my vagina looked exactly like any normal woman, as for boyfriends, they could never tell the difference.
Quote from: rejennyrated on December 31, 1969, 06:02:07 PM
My advice please get help for your psychological state and don't do this.
Please take good advice Evilangel, keep us updated, this forum is here to help.
Best Wishes
Pauline
Ehm.. 'Trans(gendered, sexual)' is not something I identify with, either. I identify with women, while I was not born one, genital-wise. That 'condition' is referred to as GID; Gender Identity Disorder/Dysphoria, often called 'trans,' for short. It's nothing more or less than that.
It's not a subculture, not a defining factor. It's just that: A condition.
You're just going on and on on the '->-bleeped-<-'-thing, as if you mean the porn genre. Well; if that's how you want to perceive it, there is little I can do to change it. But let's be honest, here: A rose, by any other name, would smell as sweet. GID is simply usually referred to as 'trans.'
Evilangel I admire your courage. In my book the end is just a switch, we just turn this world, this existence off. You mentioned Marine corps, I am sure you are as solid as a rock on the outside and as soft as beautiful as an angel within. I relate to your style of thinking and no I am not trying to label anything, just merely see same scenarios in front of me. I am realist and realistically can't see how this story, my story, is going to end well. But I found that since I let go and started to live the dream rather than solid core reality, I get to smile more often. The end will come, if the biggest blow life can threaten me with is death, and through death I will finally be released, then I say: Life bring it on! But don't give life premature satisfaction,fight the enemy until it bleeds, and if end will come you will be laughing last.
Quote from: Evilangel on June 02, 2010, 01:48:29 PM
To reply, I didn't say I didn't want it otherwise I wouldn't have started this whole mess. Another thing I don't belong to a community, family or any other term of a group of trans people. I don't want to look at anyone naked unless we share the same bed. I am not a trans anything, if you want to claim that title be my guest. For me some terrible mistake occurred that needs to get fixed. Looking at what's available is lacking in my eyes. I read from time to time comments like, "I'll take anything " and "it's better than what was there" are ones that don't apply to me I'm not going to take just anything and be happy with it. Again if it works for you great I'm going to pass.
I think many of us feel some terrible mistake occurred at birth and that we are deformed and that we can never be normal. Even seemingly normal people wish to be someone else for non-gender related issues. Contrary to what illogical thoughts depression might have you believe, you are not that unique. The grass is always greener on the other side.
Reality check: SRS is "primitive and incomplete" but killing yourself over not achieving perfection would be natural? You are basing your self worth around the appearance of your genitals that you claim nobody will see anyways unless they share the same bed as you.
By the way, all of the post-op pictures I have seen look way better than what I was born with and I'm cisgendered female. Those surgeons are real artists and make some genetic vaginas look like work from Picasso on drugs.
I think this is really sad,
i am and have struggled not taking my own life before srs and now it is only 5 months away it is what keeps me going. It would be a terrible waste if you did.
I was at Dr Suporns this year and i can assure you with all my heart the results there were nothing remotely a hack and slash job, a work of art and im not just looking at rose tinted glasses evil angel.
Please look deeper, visit these actual surgeons and see the results first hand before you even consider such a horrid act :(
a life wasted was no life
stay safe and "hug"
I've listened to you all, thought it over and decided to get rid of it anyway. I guess surgery is a big part of it but not all of it. It comes down to the fact I'd rather be dead than be trans. I hate it and I don't want anything other than to be normal. Even my therapist agrees it's my choice and I don't have to stay and suffer. So thanks for your concern and time. I wish you all well and you find the happiness I couldn't. Good luck
You could be wonderful, you know. Don't erase that. It's always a terrible loss when someone decides to take their own life, because they feel there's no better alternative. There's always an alternative. Move away somewhere, start transition there so that people who know you now don't know at the very least. How would this be a worse loss to them than if you killed yourself? Every human being has a chance to make a positive difference in this world, don't leave it on a negative difference...
I don't know what else to say. Just, please, don't.
Quote from: Evilangel on June 06, 2010, 12:19:29 PM
I've listened to you all, thought it over and decided to get rid of it anyway.
Get rid of what? penis?
Listen Marine, taking your life is not the answer. Do what marines do and that is fight. Come on devil dog, hang in there. As a former special ops person just be the woman you know you are and forget the terminology of our dilemma, but that which does not kill us will only make us stronger.
Quote from: Evilangel on May 31, 2010, 10:40:26 PM
I've been coming here for most of the last ten years since starting transition. Although I've never entered the discussion I've grown to like a few of you and dislike a few. I've come to the conclusion after reading various topics from HRT to surgery that I'd rather die than be anything trans. I've been on HRT, had FFS, BA and have still not taken the final step of srs. I choose not to live due to the unfortunate fact that it's still way to primitive and incomplete. I've held out hope of things changing but it appears not to be the case after reading Melan's thread https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,77576.0.html (https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,77576.0.html) Some of you seem to think that anything is better than what's there now and I respect that but I choose death over accepting something I find repulsive. Sorry I really didn't get to know you better, take care and good luck
After surgery, you will basically be the same down there as any woman who has had a bad infection or cervical cancer or the like, and who has undergone a complete surgical reconstruction of the vagina as a result. Do you think such a woman should off herself over something so minor, just because it makes her different from other women?
Granted, you will still have some differences to your skeletal structure due to exposure to male hormones during puberty, and there's nothing to do about that. But you'll be no different from a woman who was exposed to only male hormones, and not female hormones, during puberty. So you still will be just like a natal woman in truth, physically. It's doable, you can achieve it.
Even the y chromosome will not disqualify you. There are natal women who are XY phenotype, and I'm not talking about hormone insensitivity. I mean that the gene that makes a person develop as male is sometimes, though rarely, absent from the Y chromosome. It is also sometimes present on the X chromosome, so there are some XX males out there too, who don't know that they lack a Y chromosome.
So go get that surgery and rest easy in the knowledge that there is no physical traight that you possess that makes you not a woman.
It's been awhile since I've logged on and yes I still exist but not after Thursday. I've been talking with everyone from my therapist, family and friends. I've also thought about what was said here, it still comes down to the fact I'm trans and no surgery, therapy or anything else for that matter will ever change that ever. I hate the surgical options as it will never be like a genetic vagina, never be able to reproduce, have the right bone structure, or have the right upbringing and I'd rather spill my insides than live here. Thursday is my birthday and I find it poetic than I end this nightmare on the day it began by removing my head from my shoulders. So thanks again for your advice but what it comes down to is I'd still rather be dead than be anything trans.
Aww come on now, I don't want you to harm yourself. If you could just hang on... I can't promise things will get better, but you never know what is out there. Just keep talking to us. I wish you strength!
The National Suicide hotline is 1-800 SUICIDE or 1-800-784-2433; talk line is 1-800-273-TALK or 1-800-273-8255, both toll-free, 24 hours a day / 7 days a week.
The Trevor Project is geared towards suicide prevention for Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual, Transgender and Questioning youth. http://www.thetrevorproject.org/home2.aspx (http://www.thetrevorproject.org/home2.aspx) 866-488-7386
call em if need be
(because permanent "solutions" don't solve temporary problems)
Your so wrong and please don't tell me everything is going to be ok. That's not the truth it's not ever going to be like it should have been. I want this to never have happened to me in the first place. I'm not going to accept it. I refuse this life. I want what I should have had from the begining and no one can provide that.
I am sorry to hear how much pain you must be in right now. That must be simply awful the place you are in.
Have you thought of trying out the surgical options before trying to complete suicide? I mean you don't have anything to lose right? How would your family and friends feel about you taking your own life?
Post Merge: July 27, 2010, 03:30:48 AM
It sounds like you have a great family and great friends. You must really care for them.
Quote from: Evilangel on July 27, 2010, 03:00:20 AM
Your so wrong and please don't tell me everything is going to be ok. That's not the truth it's not ever going to be like it should have been. I want this to never have happened to me in the first place. I'm not going to accept it. I refuse this life. I want what I should have had from the begining and no one can provide that.
Whilst I still sincerely believe that your analysis is 100% FLAWED it must be admitted that it is ultimately your decision and your life to throw away if you so choose.
It is sad that there is apparently a real gulf of understanding between those who choose suicide and those of us for whom such an option is basically unthinkable. So if your mind is truly made up perhaps the only meaningful thing I can say to you at this point is: Goodbye!
How sad. Although I will admit that I still cherish the hope that in the final event you may yet change your mind and realise the utter futility of this action, which really won't actually change anything much and that perhaps the starkness of a "Goodbye" may shock you out of your illusions about this.
Heck you may not even be missed and mourned as much as you may perhaps secretly imagine. Not only so but if there is a rebirth you may simply face the same situation again. So think very carefully before you do this, because I assure you it is perfectly possible to fail miserably even in death. Suicide is really not the answer you think it is. Life is meant to be lived and overcome, and by your own admission you have not even tried the available solutions yet, so to my mind at least, you are being somewhat irrational and precipitate.
I really think that as Nicky said you should try it properly before you reject it.
I know everyone is trying to help here and it is freaky, but I think it best if we can hold off a bit. I think evil has a story to tell and we should give them space to tell it.
Many of us, too many on these forums, have also reached a point of utter hopelessness in our lives like you say you feel now. In fact, not too long ago I was looking at my life, seeing only two paths in front of me and I felt I couldn't live with the consequences of either. With no hope of a bearable future and, facing the overbearing futility of it all, I began to rapidly lose my will to live.
Yet here I am now, quite happy and content with my life and so thankful to be here.
And here are so many others who have also felt as you do now, saying, and even pleading that you should give yourself a chance and not give up.
I honestly believe, because I've been in a similar place, that you are caught in a moment that will eventually pass. If you don't give up on yourself, you will one day look back be thankful you hadn't, and so will all the people on whom you make a positive impact from this day forward. And you will make a difference in other people's lives, especially if you want to, but even if you don't.
Quote from: Nicky on July 27, 2010, 03:47:10 AM
I know everyone is trying to help here and it is freaky, but I think it best if we can hold off a bit. I think evil has a story to tell and we should give them space to tell it.
Agreed - that is what this forum is for, and I think the problem here is, as I said there is, as yet, a gap in comprehension which makes it difficult to offer the help that we would all wish to. I sincerely hope we may hear that story.
Nero and I are trying to work through this.
It's a sad situation people be careful.
Love & Love
Cindy
Thanks for your concern, I have my low moments and this is one. The story is I don't want to be trans at all. I want to be genetically correct with the right childhood. I hate this mess and there is nothing anyone can do to change that. The so-called treatment is not what I'm interested in. I won't settle for less than what I'm looking for and this whole thing isn't even close. It's my right not to take what the doctors have to offer and live with less than others get for just being born. I want the right parts, I want the right bone structure, I want the right life and sorry no amount of convincing is going to get me to accept this. Some of you seem to be somewhat ok with being trans and taking the transition. It's not for me. I hate the GRS, I don't want to have to dilate to have that reminder that everytime I do I'm reminded of what I am. Not having the elasticity or the ability to lubricate, no forchette and having to live with results that as Jenny put it "are the best modern science has to offer". Also having to live in fear of being read or having my past which I'm very ashamed of come back to bite me.
Totally your right not to take what is offered. You don't have to accept being trans. I mean lets face it, we have a pretty ->-bleeped-<-y lot. It is freaking hard work. For you to last this long must have taken a lot of strength. I really respect that. It is a horrible thing to live in fear too.
You have by the sounds of it a really great family, and good friends, to be able to talk to them about it.
I know how you feel, I wish I was born with the right parts too. I just hope you stick around.
[quote Also having to live in fear of being read or having my past which I'm very ashamed of come back to bite me.
[/quote]
well you're refusing to accept the evidence of the many post-ops who lead nice happy lives so if what you see in the mirror can never be accepted as a woman despite living ten years as one then yep, it would be a nice release from your torment to pull the trigger.
The trouble is that it will just give ammunition to all these people who claim sex change is a waste of time and should be banned.
Quote from: lilacwoman on July 27, 2010, 06:25:00 AMthen yep, it would be a nice release from your torment to pull the trigger.
C'mon you guys need to stop these sort of comments.
I know post op people can live great lives, and Evilangel is not saying that srs is a waste or should be banned, just that it's not for Evilangel. It bothers me that some people are saying such hurtful things when Evilangel is in such a fragile state.
Why don't you try SRS, Evilangel? You have nothing to lose.
Many of us are very happy with the results.
I think that you are drawing too big a line between born-women and made-women.
Quote from: Simone de BeauvoirOne is not born, but rather becomes a woman.
*I just want a normal life*
And what would that be exactly?
What does normal entail? No really.... I'd love to know....??
I've met plenty of f#cked-up allegedly 'normal' people.... to realise that happiness is not a god given state of permanence to anyone in fact. And a big part of what's killing this planet and damaging society is what Oliver James would term...'Affluenza'
http://www.selfishcapitalist.com/affluenza.html (http://www.selfishcapitalist.com/affluenza.html)
(I'm a great fan of the wisdom that emanates from Buddhism)
'Believe nothing merely because you have been told it.
Do not believe what your teacher tells you merely out of respect for the teacher.
But whatever, after due examination and analysis, you find to be kind, conducive to the good, the benefit, the welfare of all beings - that doctrine believe and cling to and take it as your guide...'
Many Trans folk I have had the privilege and pleasure of coming into contact with.... have due to their inherent experience of battling on against the odds - with the given burdens of self - managed to find some virtue of character that makes them 'exceptional' beings in fact.
(And hail-Mary to that)
But I will give you too; that many remain troubled souls getting lost in the myth of attaining perfect femininity.... this affects many 'normal' women too...
(Like the holy-grail a pointless misplaced faith based pursuit)
Though I can fully condone a person seeking the best help one can muster.
Stop wallowing in self-pity... take responsibility for your pain....and get on with being your warts-n-all self....even if it entails an attached penis....
Many children are born with far worse conditions than intersexuality disorders.... Cystic Fibrosis quickly comes to mind...
And I suspect if you start focusing outward... reward will then find you....
Hello there Evilangel,
From what I've been reading in this thread, it makes me wonder how you found the strength to keep going forward for 10 years, only to give up right before the last step?
Don't those 10 years prove something? That you are a strong person, capable of living your own life? You talk about having people who support you, aren't they there now?
This decision to end it all now seems so sudden after all those years.
You are who you are, and it does not matter which label you give to yourself, so I do hope with all my heart that you somehow find the courage to keep going until the last step has been taken. In my opinion evaluation comes after things have been finished.
Try to hold on to life girl, it's the best (and only) thing we have, even though it doesn't always look that way.
Quote from: Renate on July 27, 2010, 06:59:02 AM
Why don't you try SRS, Evilangel? You have nothing to lose.
Many of us are very happy with the results.
I think that you are drawing too big a line between born-women and made-women.
What she said. What do you have to lose by trying transition on for size? You can always end it later if it doesn't help. And at least you wouldn't die as a man then. Have you had HRT? I way underestimated the mental relief from taking HRT. If you are transsexual, your brain is running the wrong fuel and clouding your perceptions.
I know it just seems so horribly unjust to miss out on the benefits of being a woman from the start with all the appropriate plumbing and history. I think most of us have been angry about that at one time or another. But just think - if you had been born a cisgirl you wouldn't know what a gift it was! If you've never been hungry, you can't really know the relief of a full stomach, and the same with gender. That will make your life as a woman all the more special, don't you think?
Quote from: Evilangel on July 27, 2010, 03:00:20 AM
Your so wrong and please don't tell me everything is going to be ok. That's not the truth it's not ever going to be like it should have been. I want this to never have happened to me in the first place. I'm not going to accept it. I refuse this life. I want what I should have had from the begining and no one can provide that.
This is just a suggestion, but I think you should ask your therapist about electroshock therapy. I know it sounds scary but it will produce amnesia, and interrupt this cycle of despair for you. The person I know who had it said that most of the memories come back gradually, but they are more distant, like they happened to someone else, so you don't feel the same way about them, and you can deal with them more easily and only a little at a time. He wound up not transitioning at all, and does not think of himself as trans anything. In a sense, it's a sort of suicide, like a way to become somebody else.
Hi Evilangel, I know you're in such an extreme state and I was there and those were similar to my thoughts not long ago, like nothing is going to be good enough and it was not just about my body.
You don't have to force yourself to accept something you're not ready to, if it comes it will be at the right moment. I can only share my experience, and that is that I came to look at things differently after what seemed to be painful repeated cycles of grief. Now I don't feel like I settled for less either.
Please keep hanging around the forum, trust me on that ;)
Hmmm...I must be on another planet. For awhile, i was living as "trans"and I agree that it wasn't very desirable. But after several surgeries, I am just a "normal" Lesbian woman. In fact, I was in a relationship for several months (actually twice) before revealing my status.
But I think the main point is that when one is a woman, people accept that. If one isn't a woman, no technology can change that.
I know Thursday is just a day away now. Angel please reconsider this. If I could I would just give you a hug, if you do what you are considering, there will be those friends or family that will suffer for years to come. All trans is is a title or a lable, it is not something we have to reveal to society. Though you may never be able to have the right plumbing or have children does not mean life is not worth living. You served your country, so enjoy its freedom. One soldier to another, please do not do this. I have lost one to many soldiers already. I am pleading with you, give life a chance, and live it however you must but taking your life is....you can put whatever title or label on your life you wish, but I call you friend, comrade, sister in arms, battle buddy, think about all the people who will be hurting for years to come because of your decision. It will hurt me to lose another soldier.
Wow, beheading is a very unique way to do it. How did you rig that? It must have taken careful planning. My fear is the head would stay alive for a while after it was severed and I would feel intense regret. In fact, it does stay alive for a couple minutes at least. What a way to go...
But, it sounds like you've weighed your options. You've thought this out carefully and reality is not something you are interested in. I guess there is nothing I can say that will make you change your mind. I hope you find peace. It's not the way I would go about it, but I sort of understand your pain, although probably not completely.