Okay. So... As you may or may not know... see
https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,79717.0.html (https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,79717.0.html) I was kicked
out of my house.
But. I have come to realize how dependent I am on my family. Not in an
emotional way, but in a physical way. So I am going to comply with their
demands, and I am going to be a boy until September when a woman in
California has agreed to let me live with her at her new apartment.
So here is the plan. I am going to give my pretty studs to the girl that
pierced my ears and then I am going to give all my clothes and makeup to
my girlfriend. And I am going home.
The girl that pierced my ears has agreed to re pierce them before I
leave in September. I will get all my clothes from my gf, whom I will
have a long distance relationship with until she is done with school and
can come down and live with me.
So I shall keep you informed in this thread.
I really hope this works out for you and I wish you the best of luck with dealing with your family.
I feel for you, but life will get better but you have to do what you have to do at the time. I was thrown out of my home, well I was given an ultimatum really. So I left with everything packed in my car and drove away.
I now have a new home, new job, new friends and a lovely new area to live. Life at the moment is soooooooooooo much better and I have virtually transitioned. Just one more step next week, lol.
BIG HUG :icon_hug:
Stardust
That is great stardust! I wish it was that easy. But I am so dependent, I don't even own my car. Its my parents car, so I have to bring it back before they report it as being stolen!
I am soooo worried as to what they are going to do when I come back... I hope they don't hurt me. My dad is a tool. He is seriously the meanest person in the world. But I LOVE love love my Mom and my Brother. Especially my brother, and I couldn't stand not seeing him again.
So for now I will pretend to be someone that I am not. But I will need to start thinking of moving now. And get the stuff that I need. etc, etc.
Wow what a tough situation to be in. I feel for you Christina. Just be persistent, though, and you will come out on top in the end.
I am so sorry that you have to abuse your self in such a fashion to please your family. I understand the need. You have my best wishes for a good outcome to your troubles.
Quote from: Christina. on July 06, 2010, 05:06:10 PM
That is great stardust! I wish it was that easy.
I know it sounded easy but believe me it was really bad, it took me over one/two years to get straight financially, physiologically, emotionally, etc. It was the worst time of my life and the darkest pit at times I almost didn't make it. Many times I thought of suicide, but the new friends I had made helped me through. I'm now glad I'm still here to tell the tail.
Stardust
A) I am glad you are ok. I was worried.
B) Sorry you have to suffer the indignity of living as someone you are not just to please other.
C) I might suggest putting in the studs at night, but remember to remove them before they have a chance to see. Just a thought.
D) September is not that far off. Hang in there and remember you still have us.
I wish I could do more to help, but you are in my thoughts, Dear Sister.
Somone once said to me, you gotta do what you gotta do.
Sometimes we need to swallow our pride. Survival is an imperitive.
I really do understand your decision and sympathise. But I don't think you are betraying yourself, you are taking a step back so you can walk forward.
In your situation I would feel little compunction to say whatever will keep the peace.
Good luck and stay safe.
@Stardust: I am glad you are okay now! ^^;; I was thinking of suicide too today. But the girl I am staying with talked me out of it by helping me plan what I was going to do to be able to live how I want in the future. And that talked me out of it, so I told her that she helped me not want to kill myself, and then she did the classic "you have so much to live for" crap >_< which doesn't keep anyone from wanting to deadzies themself. But she helped me none the less and I am so grateful, she helped me come up with this plan, it was not my own.
Quote from: Janet Lynn on July 06, 2010, 05:35:30 PM
A) I am glad you are ok. I was worried.
B) Sorry you have to suffer the indignity of living as someone you are not just to please other.
C) I might suggest putting in the studs at night, but remember to remove them before they have a chance to see. Just a thought.
D) September is not that far off. Hang in there and remember you still have us..
:) Thank you for being here for me!
My parents will know I am doing that if they ever catch me or see they are not closing up, and if they do, I am all kinds of screwed, since they will know I didn't "give it all up"
Anyways, the girl that I am staying with, who said we were friends today :D :D (I have like 3 friends total :P), said that she would re-pierce them, and even do doubles for me :D :D she pierced them in the first place, so I trust her completely, she has... *counts her ear since she is sitting next to her* 9 piercings in each ear.
I am glad to hear that someone cares enough about you to help you cope with a very unbearable situation and that you are ok. It might be tough now but it will get better soon. Just hang tight. -hugs-
Quote from: Christina. on July 06, 2010, 05:47:51 PM
@Stardust: I am glad you are okay now! ^^;; I was thinking of suicide too today. But the girl I am staying with talked me out of it by helping me plan what I was going to do to be able to live how I want in the future. And that talked me out of it, so I told her that she helped me not want to kill myself, and then she did the classic "you have so much to live for" crap >_< which doesn't keep anyone from wanting to deadzies themself. But she helped me none the less and I am so grateful, she helped me come up with this plan, it was not my own. :) Thank you for being here for me!
My parents will know I am doing that if they ever catch me or see they are not closing up, and if they do, I am all kinds of screwed, since they will know I didn't "give it all up"
Anyways, the girl that I am staying with, who said we were friends today :D :D (I have like 3 friends total :P), said that she would re-pierce them, and even do doubles for me :D :D she pierced them in the first place, so I trust her completely, she has... *counts her ear since she is sitting next to her* 9 piercings in each ear.
I'm glad you have the same kind of friends that I have that care about you for who you are. They are like a treasure that is beyond price. I would not be here if it wasn't for my friends too.
I understand how you feel about your pierced ears but in the scheme of things its just a little blip.
And the saying, "you have so much to live for," is true even though you may not see that now as I didn't. I am so glad that I am here to understand that saying because I do have so much to live for now. My life is so full It's unbelievable. September is not far away and will soon be here. For now do what you have to do for life is worth living, believe me I know.
Stardust
I don't see this going well at all. Once you give them this inch, they will take a mile. Next thing you know, they'll demand you take supplemental testosterone injections, attend some religious "pray the gay away" boot camp for a proper brainwashing, and join the army. Good luck making it until September.
i thought I would put a few words in about dealing with this for the little bit that you will have to pretend to be a boy.
when you are in boys clothes.. try to just think of them of tomboy clothes.. plenty of girls wear baggy jeans and T shirts.. so.. just try to think of it that way. and Im sure you will still look cute even in boy clothes.
hope this helps some.
Quote from: Elijah on July 06, 2010, 09:38:21 PM
when you are in boys clothes.. try to just think of them of tomboy clothes.. plenty of girls wear baggy jeans and T shirts.. so.. just try to think of it that way. and Im sure you will still look cute even in boy clothes.
You know ... thinking back, I did this. Huh, never realized that.
Christina, I'm truely sorry that you've had this experience. Growing up, I've seen this in a lot of situations. Sometimes parents concider themselves the absolute authority in their children's lives. And it appears you are feeling this sort of backlash.
A few others mentioned it in a roundabout way, but this seems to be a power play from your family to put control over your life. I've never seen these types of relationships turn out well, I'm afraid.
I'm assuming your 18 or close to it, so I highly advise you to start organizing your life and find your way out of that situation. Do what you have to do to survive, but start coming up with a plan where you can take care of yourself and pursue it. Take this experience as a lesson what you'll need to do to take care of yourself when you leave the nest.
You mentioned that someone was going to let you move in with them in September. The pessimist in me is saying that you shouldn't depend on that as your "out". People's lives change all the time. You, unfortunately, just experienced that "joy" of life. And September is a world away. I'd recommend getting yourself a job somewhere and starting to save up. Give yourself an emergency fund to work with if things go south with your roommate plan.
I'm so glad you have a place to go to in september bb. I'm so sorry that your transition has to be put on hold though. I kinda fear that my parents will be the same way. I mean I know they won't kick me out because my older sister said she'd leave and my younger sister said that she would stop talking to them. So if they kick me out they lose all of their daughters, not just me. Also, my oldest sister has done a lot that they are unhappy with but they just let it slide, because they don't want her to leave their lives again, long story. But hopefully they accept love and help me. Your courage really means a lot to me. I'll be thinking of all of you loving people when the time to tell my family comes. I have a place to go if I need it though, my bestie said I could live with her. My aunt would probably help me as well.
Sounds like you have a great friend. I think your plan is good and I really don't see your parents demanding anything else of you if you lay low for these last few months.
In the meantime you know who you are (be glad for the clarity at your young age) and you do have a roadmap to your authentic life. I am sure it will be torture, but don't let this purgatory get you down. We all wish we could snap our fingers and instantly be the right gender, but it doesn't work that way... for any of us.
That is a real shame your parents are acting that way. I truly wish you the best. My best advice is to keep a level head. Know what you want and focus on the strategy even if you don't see any immediate results. I've always been critical of the family unit in general in our society because so many parents and relatives (regardless of family) are selfish and ignorant. The selfish ones pretend to know and do what is best for their kids but ultimately think about what is best for themselves meaning how the kid(s) help them with their image, future, finances, etc. As to the ignorant part, many parents truly do seem to want to do what is best for their kids yet at the same time willfully refuse to learn anything new or change with the times.
My other advice is to do your best to become financially independent. It is hard in the current economy but it is essential. You recently posted about how you overdrafted your checking account and then later mentioned you were already out of money after buying makeup, clothes, and other stuff. The key here is to prioritize. None of those products are doing you any good now that you are having to give them away (temporarily). Most banks are charging anywhere from $25-$40 per item overdrafted which is a serious waste of money. If you can, try even working a second job or pick up hours at your current job. That may even "fool" your parents into thinking you are on the right track in their mind.
I'm not as financially independent as I would like as I screwed up some credit cards (well actually they did by hiking the rates) and occasionally have to borrow money and grab leftover food from my family. If transitioning is important to you (and me and all of us) we have to set goals and stick to them. It sounds like this friend that is inviting you to stay in September is a big help but it may only be one step in the right direction. Most friends will eventually want you to pay part of the rent and other expenses for continued tenancy. Plus, while they will be much more supportive of your transition than your parents, you still will have someone to answer to for other things.
This is why I stress financial independence so critically. I don't like people telling me what to do. Each time a parent, friend, or other person has financial control over you, you will be delayed in whatever goals you are accomplishing. It takes time but do your best. My goal ultimately is to own a home and have zero debt liability. That will take many years. I would strongly recommend for you though to get out of your parents' house as quickly as possible. Transitioning requires at least the most basic support--where you live and where you work. Try to save as much as you can so you can eventually get a place of your own. Any money that you may have spent impulsively on things you don't really need can be saved for a deposit on an apartment.
Worst case scenario, if you can't wait until September there may be group homes or shelters available if you live in a big enough city some of which cater towards GLBT people. Whatever you do, though, keep a level head with a clear goal and strategy in mind, and I wish you the best.
Quote from: Epigania on July 06, 2010, 10:13:24 PM
I'm assuming your 18 or close to it,
21 Actually :)
Quote from: Epigania on July 06, 2010, 10:13:24 PM
I'd recommend getting yourself a job somewhere and starting to save up.
Yep I am a carpenter for a live action theatre. I build and paint sets. I also do lighting for the plays, hand and focus lights, etc.
No new developments at this point. sooooooo. Off to work now.
Post Merge: July 07, 2010, 07:37:42 AM
Thank you everyone for your responses! They were are quite helpful.
@Britney_413
I am working on the financial, when I am with my parents, they supported me enough that I would never have needed to spend a single penny of my own.
Right now I have $1400 but I owe a few people some money, so I have about $1300. I make around $650 a month. Which isn't a whole lot... so I might need to pick up another job.
I am going to a local community college, and right now... I am kind of not doing anything for my classes, I am pretty sure if I don't drop one of them I am so totally screwed its not even funny. My other one, the one required to keep my student aid position in the theatre, I can still get an A probably, just need to get my rear in gear >_<
Problem is, I have already signed up and paid for classes next semester. So I am worried that when I leave in september classes won't be over and I waste all that money! So how do I make my parents understand that I am dropping the classes!
Okay. I still have work to do before september, oh and I am sure that the person I am staying with is quite understanding of transitioning as she did herself.
You are a very brave woman. You are doing the right thing being honest about your GID and not living a lie like I did for so many years. Unfortunately many people can not handle the truth. Soon you will be able to get away from your parents and proceed with your transition as your GID will not go away. You are a beautiful young woman and are transitioning early in life so you will be able to live most of your life as the woman you are. Times are tough now but they will get better.
Paam
Hey girl I hope things work out for you! Being forced to live like that will suck but I guess if it will get you to where you can be you...it will be worth it.
Ugh to parents like that but i can relate =/ Thank God I was on my own already when I came out
It's used to almost be a mantra that you didn't come out unless, or until, you were willing to lose everything.
Quote from: tekla on July 07, 2010, 10:15:54 AM
It's used to almost be a mantra that you didn't come out unless, or until, you were willing to lose everything.
That is so true Tekla, at least it was for me. However as I have said things are sooooooo good and brill now its unbelievable.
Stardust
Okay. I am packing up and sorting things that need to go to GF and things that I need to hold onto myself. I am going to go home in a short while and will not be back online until I have gone through with this. Wish me luck.s
Quote from: Christina. on July 07, 2010, 03:27:34 PM
Okay. I am packing up and sorting things that need to go to GF and things that I need to hold onto myself. I am going to go home in a short while and will not be back online until I have gone through with this. Wish me luck.s
My heart goes out to you and keep focused on the future. Its not that far away. Be thinking and praying for you.
Stardust
You are in our thoughts and prayers, Christina.
Yep I am a carpenter for a live action theatre. I build and paint sets. I also do lighting for the plays, hand and focus lights, etc.
Try to get on with IATSE in your area, they usually have an overhire list of people who are not members but who have the skills to work at that level when needed. I'm off to do Paul McCartney this weekend and its going to be minimum of $300 for an 8 hour day, but I'm guessing by Sunday, with the overtime and double time I'll make over $1K a day (for an 18 hour day).* If that's the work you want to do, find out what you'll need to get into the apprentice program. Doing those six years and coming out as a journeyman is going to be a much better investment of time and money than an AA degree in it.
* - getting to see the show for free is just a bonus.
Quote from: tekla on July 07, 2010, 05:32:22 PM
Yep yep. I am going to be a programmer though. This is a hobby.
Bet I get paid more than most programmers in the Bay Area. I make (or could if I worked, and I try hard not to) more than I did as a full professor in a major college. The best thing about production work is they can't off-shore it. 20 years ago there were programing jobs up the yin-yang in the Bay Area, and they are still there I guess, it's just that they are on the Bay of Bengal and not the San Francisco Bay.
Okay, I am at home in my bed under my fan with my cats in my lap. :angel:
I am going underground and living as a tom-boy for the next few months. ::)
Parents are happy that I am going to conform to their wishes so I am allowed to live here.
:)
I wish you the best. Good luck and please keep us posted as updates arise. As I said before, keep a level head as best as possible despite the negative circumstances. Another way of putting it is lay low as long as you can until you can get out of there. Take care. Britney
Roll the Dice
by Charles Bukowski
if you're going to try, go all the
way.
otherwise, don't even start.
if you're going to try, go all the
way. this could mean losing girlfriends,
wives, relatives, jobs and
maybe your mind.
go all the way.
it could mean not eating for 3 or
4 days.
it could mean freezing on a
park bench.
it could mean jail,
it could mean derision,
mockery,
isolation.
isolation is the gift,
all the others are a test of your
endurance, of
how much you really want to
do it.
and you'll do it
despite rejection and the
worst odds
and it will be better than
anything else
you can imagine.
if you're going to try,
go all the way.
there is no other feeling like
that.
you will be alone with the
gods
and the nights will flame with
fire.
do it, do it, do it.
do it.
all the way
all the way.
you will ride life straight to
perfect laughter,
it's the only good fight
there is.
Good luck girl!
Stay Strong Tina. It won't be that long and you can go forward. And remember you are in my thoughts.
I originally was deleting my account because I didn't think it was good of me to be so imposing on all of you. You all are spending so much time on me, whether you are posting to help me, or just thinking about me.
I feel like I don't deserve to be held in such regard by you all. I am suffering from depression right now. And I guess I was acting pretty rashly in deleting my account.
I need a therapist and I need one now. All the times I remember to call and make an appt. they are closed though. The lady said to call her cellphone if it is an emergency, but since I have never been to her before, I don't think she would like that very much.
Also, I am going to go back on the IRC. I left in a huff there too. And I started blocking peoples phone numbers and deleting them from my address book. Now I have to figure out how to unblock said people before they hate me forever.
I need help. Nothing else is more important at this time. Then I need a place to live. Then I need hormones, and can start living my life the way I should have since the beginning.
You are family now, so get use to us worrying about you. ;D
Stick around especially now that you have had to be there. We are and will be your support.
Tina I totally agree with Janet! You are family here! I've never felt so welcomed to a new forum before. Everyone here is so caring and lovely. I don't know you but I really care about you. Mainly because you seem so sweet and warm and you're being treated so disgustingly. I hope you don't leave here! You may need us and we definitely need you.
I hope everything goes good for you! If you need anything, feel free to contact me.
(BTW, I love your avatar! You're really cute! :) )
Quote from: Shang on July 08, 2010, 09:43:59 PM
I hope everything goes good for you! If you need anything, feel free to contact me.
(BTW, I love your avatar! You're really cute! :) )
I forgot to add this to my message haha! I love it! <3
Tina, I'm sorry about the emotional pain you feel. I want to just say that there is an optimistic way to view all this, which is other than how quickly you can start living as yourself, this really isn't a setback.
Sure, you may not be able to openly express yourself right now, but
1) you can start seeing a counselor (you have to talk with them, often for a few months before they will give you a letter for hormones anyway)
2) you can start working on your voice
3) you can start figuring out your style and maybe even sneak in some purchases
4) you can start finding supportive friends.
All of these things you don't need to be living day-to-day as a woman for and they are absolutely necessary steps in your transition and for most of them it may be a good idea to have them done before transitioning publicly anyway. I would have put electrolysis on the list, but that one may be risky.
So anyway, just concentrate on setting things up for a smooth transition in September. Good luck and chin up! :)
Quote from: andthenwekisss on July 08, 2010, 09:33:56 PM
Tina I totally agree with Janet! You are family here! I've never felt so welcomed to a new forum before. Everyone here is so caring and lovely. I don't know you but I really care about you. Mainly because you seem so sweet and warm and you're being treated so disgustingly. I hope you don't leave here! You may need us and we definitely need you.
Awwwwwwwwwwwww! I am all choked up! That was such a sweet thing to say to me, I feel really happy that I know you! And yes, I care about you too! I care for all of you! I won't leave here again I promise.
*Christina interlocks her pinky finger with andthenwekisss
Pinky swear.
Post Merge: July 08, 2010, 09:48:52 PM
Quote from: Shang on July 08, 2010, 09:43:59 PM
I hope everything goes good for you! If you need anything, feel free to contact me.
(BTW, I love your avatar! You're really cute! :) )
Awwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww 2 really sweat comments in a row, I am the happiest girl ever right now. Thank you so much you two!
And will do! I need to talk when I feel like that again so I don't do something stupid like I did, or something
really stupid that cannot be undone
Post Merge: July 08, 2010, 10:57:42 PM
Quote from: Jen on July 08, 2010, 09:57:33 PM
Tina, I'm sorry about the emotional pain you feel. I want to just say that there is an optimistic way to view all this, which is other than how quickly you can start living as yourself, this really isn't a setback.
Sure, you may not be able to openly express yourself right now, but
1) you can start seeing a counselor (you have to talk with them, often for a few months before they will give you a letter for hormones anyway)
2) you can start working on your voice
3) you can start figuring out your style and maybe even sneak in some purchases
4) you can start finding supportive friends.
All of these things you don't need to be living day-to-day as a woman for and they are absolutely necessary steps in your transition and for most of them it may be a good idea to have them done before transitioning publicly anyway. I would have put electrolysis on the list, but that one may be risky.
So anyway, just concentrate on setting things up for a smooth transition in September. Good luck and chin up! :)
September may or may not have fallen through. The duplex we were going to get is gone, so now we don't have somewhere, but they are looking for another place... so this may or may not work out at all. So that is adding a lot to my stress, something I had forgotten to mention.
My girlfriend has my stash of clothes, but yeah, I will keep my eyes peeled for good deals on nice stuff when I am out and about.
I keep forgetting to make a counselor appointment. So that is priority one after some life and school related things.
My voice, that is the thing, I never have a place to practice and I don't ever think it sounds convincing. I am a singer. I am able to sing the Alto lines for songs no problem. So range is not the issue. It just sounds fake when I speak. :/ So yeah I need to work on that, I wish I had live guidance by a voice trainer or another trans woman.
Supportive friends! Yes! I now have a new one from all of this! And the funny thing is I was thinking about who my friends are. They are all girls, bar my brother and my neighbor that I have been friends with for 17 years! :) He identifies as a bisexual androgynous that prefers male pronouns, I was out with him before anyone else. :) He was so understanding. Yeah, so I make friends with girls easier than guys... :P
http://www.youtube.com/tgvoice#p/u/27/4PQ3R5zJ1GQ (http://www.youtube.com/tgvoice#p/u/27/4PQ3R5zJ1GQ)
Get a portable recorder, practice in the car :). Good luck with figuring out a place to stay. I'm sure you will find one. ^.^
Quote from: Christina. on July 08, 2010, 10:46:02 PM
Awwwwwwwwwwwww! I am all choked up! That was such a sweet thing to say to me, I feel really happy that I know you! And yes, I care about you too! I care for all of you! I won't leave here again I promise.
*Christina interlocks her pinky finger with andthenwekisss
Pinky swear.
haha that's cute. I'm glad you're staying! I'm Kimberly btw :D
It's very nice to meet you Kimberly. Thank you for all your kind words. I will see you around other places on the forum I am sure. ^^
=D message me if you ever need someone to vent too! =D
You've been blessed with the wise and encouraging words of the forum members!
I live in AZ, am going to community college, and will be moving into a dorm next month. I will be living on campus for the next couple of months and should have enough credits to graduate after this winter session. I've finally gotten serious about my transition and this is part of my plan to get out of the house and into a place where I can transition fully!
I am just appalled and shocked after going through this thread.. and quite frankly mad that your parents did this!
I do feel that you have a good head on your shoulders! I feel that your game plan is covert and should get you going until September.
Our transition means the world to us! I will think positive thoughts for you sis! Hang in there!
Hey Christina,
What happened to you is just so incredibly sad. I'm wishing you all the strength and luck you need to get through this difficult times,
Hugs,
Marleen
I got kicked out as well. It was about a 1.5 yrs ago when I was 18. It's not fun out there, but I managed to make it. I hope you do to. I actually didn't have a car either at first and got one about 6 months into walking myself to work from the place i eventually found to live. Now i'm in my own room living with this woman. Quite content finally.. But making money was the hardest bit. Let's just say.. i did some pretty shameful things to make money and ended up in some hard places emotionally, and some times still have to. Take small steps : ) you'll be okay. Good luck.