I just got home from work... well from a work party and a few drinks actually but work was just before that. I'm a little buzzed right now. OK, thats a lie too. I'm a lot buzzed. I've got more then a few beers and 3 or 4 mixed drinks in me. so yeah... I'm feeling it.
I started a new job back in February as a waitress and its been a hell of a ride. I figured I was passing very well and my confidence was high but my income was, well, lets just say that unemployment wasn't working. yeah yeah, pun intended. I took the job out of desperation. I lost my job back in September of 2008 where I was making $40,000+ per year and decided that this time off would be a perfect time to transition. So I did.
Well unemployment was running out and I was desperate for income so one night while out for dinner at a popular steak house with a close friend. I asked the proprietor if he was hiring. He says "actually yes we are" and I said, "great! when do I start?" I've been there every since.
Since then things have been a real roller coaster. There are days when I just want to blow my brains out but more often then not I am just grateful to be alive and living the dream. Most of the people I work with love me and are perfectly OK with who I am. The only trouble comes from those few ass hole customers who read me and ask my coworkers, "is Cami a ->-bleeped-<-?" Now I know that some on here identify as a crossdresser or ->-bleeped-<- and that's cool but personally I HATE being called that. My coworkers are a great group and they all ways reply with something like " she is a transsexual and we just love her" or "Cami is in the process of becoming a woman and she is very open about it, ask her if you have questions."
I hate to say it but it is only the Latino men that I work with that really have a problem with me. I know that given the chance they would kill me. Oh well, It must suck to be that insecure in your own sexuality.
We just had a family reunion on my mothers side and that was quite an event. I reconnected with family that I have not seen in over 20 years. It was amazing and heart breaking at the same time. My parents are very conservative Pentecostals and my mother told my aunt who was hosting the reunion that she, my father and two brothers would not be attending if I went. I called my mother to ask her about it. I said,
"so I understand that your are not going to go to the reunion if I go"
and she said,
"I have to take a stand for Jesus. I don't want anyone to think that I approve of your lifestyle. What would happen if the rapture took place and I was standing next to you? I would be left behind!"
I quoted to her a passage in the bible that says that when God calls his chosen home that there were will be two standing in the field, one will be taken and the other left behind. I said,
"Are you really that insecure in your own salvation that you believe that God will judge you based on who you are standing beside?"
Her reply was "Well, I have to take a stand and I don't approve!"
My mother is a severe diabetic and is completely blind and unable to walk and on dialysis because of it. I told her that I would gladly give up a kidney for her but she refused because I have "defiled my temple"
I said,
"So your going to let your own insecurity in your salvation and what other people are going to think of you stop you from seeing your brothers and sisters that you have not seen in 10 or more years ?"
And she says,
" Yes, I have to take a stand for Jesus!"
So then I told her,
"That's fine, that's your decision. Don't call me when you need help, Don't contact my kids and don't come to my funeral when I die!" And I hung up on her. I have not talked to her since.
It hurts like hell because my mother and I were very close before I came out but that's all gone now. But I'm done hiding.
I am still very much a Christian and I know God gave me this trial for a reason. I love who I am and I love being alive. Life happens. How you choose to deal with life is all up to you. I can not change how people feel but I can change how it affects me. I love being Cami!
So the big one cane tonight while at an employee party hosted by my employer. It was our annual employee appreciation party and against my better judgment I went. Now as I mentioned before, some of the men there have a problem with me and because of this and a few others that were some what standoffish of me I had considered not going at all but some of the women I work with begged me to come so I did. I felt kind of like a wall flower all night but I made the best of it. I was on my way to the bathroom just before my taxi arrived when on of my co workers yelled, "Hey ->-bleeped-<-ot!" I ignored him so then he yells "Cami!" and I turned to tell him to shove off and he took and entire peanut butter pie and smeared it all over my face and hair
I was in tears and soooo pissed off as I went to the bathroom to clean up. Did I say all this to get sympathy ? No, I said all this to say this... If you are not prepared to loose everything and face hatred and persecution and even the chance of physical harm just to be who you know you really are then you will never succeed.
I love who I am despite what the masses think. So many guys are interested in me until they find out that I am a transsexual and then I never hear from them again and one even became abusive. But I still keep working toward the goal. I have lost every thing. My home, my marriage my car, my job, my friends and my family but I knew this was a possibility going into it all and I did it any way.
The bottom line is this. If your not willing to risk it all to be who you know you are inside then your not serious about becoming a male or female, which ever the case may be for you. It comes down to either ->-bleeped-<- or get off the pot. Stop bitching about, "if my parents, family, or friends accepted me I would transition" or "if my wife/husband would stay with me then I would do it". If your not prepared to loose it all then you will never transition.
How bad do you want it? Answer this question and then be prepared to live with that decision and it's consequences.
I see so many people on here that say "I depend on my parents or spouse to maintain my lifestyle and way of life" and the only thing I can think is this. When the pain of staying the same becomes grater then the pain of change then change will happen. If your not ready to make it on your own then you never will. If you want it to happen then make it happen. Stop waiting for the world to catch up to you. Discover your dream and then make it happen.
edit: language[/;i]
Thank you for sharing. Those are chilling, but quite necessary-sounding, words.
Quote from: The Original Cami on July 12, 2010, 02:06:56 AM
"I have to take a stand for Jesus. I don't want anyone to think that I approve of your lifestyle. What would happen if the rapture took place and I was standing next to you? I would be left behind!"
That's pretty f***ed.
Good words, transition is a sort of desperate act by its very nature.
Since it was an employee party hosted by your employer when you were assaulted by a co-worker,
I would escalate this as far as it will go in your company.
This was sexual harassment. Many companies won't stand for it if you put it that way.
It might also be criminal assault.
Hi Cami :) sweetheart I'm so sorry to hear about your mother. My mother has basically done the same thing, telling me not to come to her house looking like I do (???) I think she's afraid I'll embarrass her in front of her friends or something. But I know how you feel and it sucks. I've lost family and best friends through all this and yeah, it hurts like hell. What you said about transition is true, but we can't let the negative parts get us down because there is a whole lot of good here too. I've also made new friends who accept me for who I am, and I have learned important lessons about unconditional love (the kind Jesus talked about). Our life goes on, better and better each day.
Sending you good thoughts and love,
Chloe
Cami.
I admire your courage.
Sadly, your mother seems to have been taken over by weird people. I have a niece who was involved with those people. She tried to claim a quote, something along the lines of, where two people are joined together.... to say that this was an instruction to attend church. I pointed out to her that Jesus said, that we must pray in a closet with the door shut. That to make any sort of exhibition of our faith is hypocricy. She refused to listen and said that she had been warned that the devil takes many guises and I was obviously the devil. :D
As for the assualt. You can't ignore this sort of thing. They will do it again to you and to others. Assault is a crime and criminals must be dealt with. Not for revenge, but so they can be taught correct behaviour and to protect others. You do no-one a service by ignoring such behaviour.
Cami,
I wanted to offer my sentiments of being able to relate with a good amount of what you wrote. From what I've seen, you speak the truth boldly and I commend you.
I've gone through much of the same struggles. At different times in my life, I've had to be willing to pull out all the stops and go after what I know is right for myself.
God's promises are fulfilled every day. Anyone that survives the transition process is living proof of that miracle.
Keep your head up girl!
Thankyou for sharing your story Cami. I'm sorry your relationship with your mother has broken down completely.
IMO, you should put in a complaint about the work colleague abusing you, that is sexual harassment as Renate has said, and if he is disciplined or even better, sacked, at least you are safe at work and he won't do it again to you or anyone else.
I understand what you mean about being hated for who you are. I have encountered this myself. Some people can ignore these ignoramuses quite easily, but if they're in your face, it is very hard. It's definitely worth growing a second skin and blocking out what is obvious hatred, and enjoying times with the good people who don't have hate in their heart and on their mind. :)
At the risk of sounding a sour note I feel it's necessary to point out that Cami doesn't appear to be undergoing a successful transition unless success is measured by marginal employment, combined with a hostile work place, lack of family support, seemingly few friends, and a life style if not desperate sounds somewhat dreary. I salute her courage but her damn the torpedoes full speed ahead attitude is hardly a recipe I would recommend to individuals seeking transition, and I do object to her one size fits all advice to fellow sisters. S*** or get off the pot is not a plan of successful action it's the exact opposite. I join everyone else in wishing her all the luck in the world.
edit: language
Hey Little Sis,
We have not talked or chatted in so long. You have done so well, I am jealous.
Now as to your altercation with the moron. If he is another employee, report him to the manager. As for customers, if they don't wish you to serve them they can say so.
Your co-workers should say something if a customer is willing to listen.
You have always had a problem with the family. If they do not wish to be around you then so be it, but their are not very Christian in their attitudes.
You have done well, despite what Gail may think. i have seen you grow into the bright, energetic young woman you are.
YOU GO, GIRL. :eusa_dance:
*hugs* girl. I can relate to the family and other losses. And finding a guy that's understanding AND attractive does seem to be hard. =(
Cami - I'm happy that you've found some measure of peace as the woman you are, and that things are looking up for you. But I'm worried about the advice you give:
QuoteIt comes down to either ->-bleeped-<- or get off the pot. Stop bitching about, "if my parents, family, or friends accepted me I would transition" or "if my wife/husband would stay with me then I would do it". If your not prepared to loose it all then you will never transition.
How bad do you want it? Answer this question and then be prepared to live with that decision and it's consequences.
I see so many people on here that say "I depend on my parents or spouse to maintain my lifestyle and way of life" and the only thing I can think is this. When the pain of staying the same becomes grater then the pain of change then change will happen. If your not ready to make it on your own then you never will.
There are enough LGBT street kids out there - no need to add more to the statistics. Some little trans boy or girl, 12 or 13 years old, in a hostile living situation with parents who don't approve, is going to read this and take it literally - s/he will believe you when you say "now or never." And s/he will come out to his/her parents, be rejected, and run away and end up on the streets, shooting up silicone or steroids, living in constant fear of rape, assault, arrest or hunger, taking desperately cold comfort in the fact that s/he is "making it happen." I wish I were exaggerating but this story is far too common.
I've been on the street. It's not worth it. The marginal amount of freedom you gain does not make up for the endless grind, the struggle just to survive, the constant fear. And it's only exacerbated if you're "different." If I had one piece of advice to offer kids in any non-abusive living situation, it would be "Stick it out until you're 18+ with a proper job and housing lined up, no matter what you have to do to keep your parents happy."
Thank you all for the warm sentiments. Last I heard the person has been suspended indefinitely pending termination depending on what course of action I take when I go back tomorrow.
Having said that...
I guess my main reason for posting this has it's roots in why I don't come here much anymore. There are just too many people on here crying about their circumstances and how they just can't bare to loose everything or one of 100 or more reasons why they can't transition. It's depressing and more then that it's annoying.
@Gail and Kyril. I have a wonderful support system and many wonderful friends that I love and cherish. My transition is going extremely well. I went form having nothing but the clothes on my back to getting a job and a place to live and even restarting my business. I live openly 24/7 as a woman with no shame or regrets. I love who I am and how far I have come.
I didn't post this seeking sympathy. I didn't loose a bit of sleep over it. I knew what the price and consequences were likely to be long before I came out to anyone. I made the choice to transition anyway. And yes it was a choice. There is always a choice. You may not always like the choices but there is always a choice.
I stand by my "sh*t or get off the pot" stance. Yes there are many legitimate reasons why one may not be able to transition at this particular point in time but you have to be strong and mature enough to accept the reality of the situation. If you can make it on your own and are willing to live outside your comfort zone for a while to be who you know you are then go for it and stop procrastinating. But if you know that there is no possibility of transition at this point in time then STOP COMPLAINING ABOUT IT! Bemoaning the fact and crying "woe is me!" all the time does not solve anything. Yes we all need to vent from time to time and hell, I have even done it myself more times then I care to admit. But you got to realize... People don't want to hear about all your problems all the time unless you are paying them by the hour to do so. They are called mental health professionals and after a few weeks of listing to you they often will prescribe medication to make you stop!
Bottom line is this. If you can transition, do it! If not, stop complaining about it all the time.
I had to wait 32 years but it was worth the wait and all the sacrifice. I knew the reality of things and I never talked about it until I knew I could do something about it. As for young kids, there are many resources available in modern society to help kids cope and work though their problems. My parents punished me quite harshly when they caught me dressed at 14 years old and I learned then that there were things I was going to have to keep in the closet until I was mentally and physically mature enough to deal with it. People are going to hate you just for who you and if your not willing to live with that for the rest of your life then transition is not going to be easy for you. There are a lot of unpleasant things things you are going to have to be willing to live with and lots of things you will have to give up. If your not able to accept and live with that then your going to have a rough life.
Because I was able to grasp these simple facts, I am happy and at peace with myself and my God. I am thankful for everything I have been through. Because if it all I am who I am today and I love being me.
Cami, I can understand that you don't want to read other people's complaints. But please don't tell them to cut it out. For many, this is the only safe place for them to vent. This site exists for people to get the support they need. And if they need to gripe about their situations, then they need to gripe.
With that said, I hope your bosses can the SOB who assaulted you. He doesn't deserve that job.
Hey Arch (waves)
Not telling them to cut it out. Yes we all need to vent but some just do it in every post. I love to help a hurting person any time I can but some times people need a reality check. This is a great place to come for advice when your hurting and/or confused but once you figure it out it's time to take action, or not. I have met with several trans people from this and other forums that just want to play victim and have people feel sorry for them.
I want every trans person to succeed and often times the best advice is harsh. I had a therapist tell me years ago when I myself was always feeling sorry for myself. I went to her to get an anti depressant prescription refilled because I had become dependent on them. She looked me right in the eye and said "You don't need another prescription, you need to grow your ass up!" That was the best advice she had ever given me.
Now please don't think that I am against people taking medication for depression. Depression is a very real thing and some times drugs are life essentials. I'm talking specifically about people who want to play the victim but never want to change.
Some times a person has to rehash and talk about things to cope and get over them but their does come a time when you have to move on.
My sister told me the advice her therapist once gave her when she was struggling with her divorce, and that was that she needed to learn to be a stronger woman. I really took that to heart and it helped me get through some of my own struggles.
I think it's good advice for people that get stuck, especially when it's because they are afraid or don't feel strong enough.
That's very good advice Jen. I find it also helps me to tell myself I AM a strong woman now, and that has gotten me through some difficult times, including SRS and the slow recovery process.
Everywhere you go there are people clamoring over their victimhood, it's not a strictly trans phenomenon. Everyone is finding their own way through, and really being a victim is a state of mind we can break out of. I'm glad for this place and the support I've received here. I'm sorry for the people who are hurting, but sometimes all we can do is pray they find their way too, as we have, knowing too that it's damn sure not an easy road for any of us.
Cami,
How do the religious right not hear the message of their own prophet?
I don't know which state you live in but harrassment by a co-worker at a work function is illegal here in CA. Further if your employer fails to correct the issue in a timely manner or allows or commits retaliation they are also commiting a crime. I would call the labor board and report it if you don't see immediate action from your company.
You really do have to jump in with both feet. You only lose the people you never really had!
Hey, Cami!
First of all: Thanks for the heads up.
Now; I'm not complaining. I know I'm being held back by my own fears, and it's just a matter of time before that boat doesn't float anymore. I'm trying to push myself over on a daily basis, but the truth of the matter is: I have an irrational fear of official paperwork. It's hard enough for me to keep my finances, really. I know this, so it's not an excuse; it is an obstacle, and a reason for self-loathing.
Sooner or later, it won't hold up anymore, and like any obstacle I've had so far: Once it falls away, my life will become a roller-coaster of change.
Until then, I'll just keep pushing myself.
Again; thanks for the heads up!
Quote from: jillblum on July 13, 2010, 04:32:19 AM
Cami,
How do the religious right not hear the message of their own prophet?
If I may. I'd like to offer a response there.
These people, whether they profess Christainity, Islam or any other group of faiths, are not interested in the faith or the teachings.
They use religion as a political tool.
Quote from: spacial on July 13, 2010, 08:01:24 AM
If I may. I'd like to offer a response there.
These people, whether they profess Christainity, Islam or any other group of faiths, are not interested in the faith or the teachings.
They use religion as a political tool.
Yep they use it to stay in their own ignorant comfortable box
Post Merge: July 13, 2010, 09:16:41 AM
and I'm including my parents in that category.....sadly
That blows. Especially the peanut butter. You were right about your mother; she is blind.
Thinking of you:)
@ Jillblum: Some people just can't see the forest for the trees. It's sad but all I can do is pray for them. It's her not me that has to answer to God for it.
As for the guy that threw the pie at me... he was drunk, I was drunk, we were all drunk. If he offers a sincere apology then I'll just forgive and forget. I've made some pretty bad mistakes myself and sadly gay bashing was one of them when I was lying to myself about who I was. Forgiving some one for a wrong done feels so much better then holding a grudge.
@Dryad: You will get there hun, I can tell just by the fact that you understand where you are. Some of us just move at a different pace then others but when you can finally see the goal in sight the journey becomes just a little less tiresome.
Wow...thanks for posting this! It's really nice to see someone who kept on going even after things like that.
I admire your strength of will Cami. As Shang said, it is very nice to see someone persevering through all of this ->-bleeped-<- that's been given to you.
Quote from: The Original Cami on July 13, 2010, 01:41:14 AM
Hey Arch (waves)
Not telling them to cut it out. Yes we all need to vent but some just do it in every post. I love to help a hurting person any time I can but some times people need a reality check. This is a great place to come for advice when your hurting and/or confused but once you figure it out it's time to take action, or not. I have met with several trans people from this and other forums that just want to play victim and have people feel sorry for them.
I want every trans person to succeed and often times the best advice is harsh. I had a therapist tell me years ago when I myself was always feeling sorry for myself. I went to her to get an anti depressant prescription refilled because I had become dependent on them. She looked me right in the eye and said "You don't need another prescription, you need to grow your ass up!" That was the best advice she had ever given me.
Now please don't think that I am against people taking medication for depression. Depression is a very real thing and some times drugs are life essentials. I'm talking specifically about people who want to play the victim but never want to change.
Some times a person has to rehash and talk about things to cope and get over them but their does come a time when you have to move on.
Cammi, I loved just about all of this post, being trans is hard and we all need to vent complain and feel sorry for ourselves sometimes, but if you choose to live in that place then disaster is never too far around the corner, victims get victimised, it's an open invitation and lets face it, some people don't need an invitation.
At my self pitying lowest, I was a hopeless alcoholic drug addict with absolutely nothing left and nothing to live for, and yes there were extenuating circumstances and I had a few reasons to feel sorry for myself and again my therapist just turned round to me and said, you can be a victim or a survivor, your choice? And it is your choice. I chose to be a survivor as I'd done the victim thing to death and no-one cared :laugh:
I wish you all the best with your transition, hope that you do everything in your power to get this ->-bleeped-<- canned, and go on to the happy authentic life that you so richly deserve. I'm sure that there will be many hurdles ahead but you will get there :)
Take care Millie xxx
Hi Cammi,
Thank you for sharing your story. You have my deepest admiration and respect for the courage, you show in the face of adversity. I'm also sorry to hear that your relationship with your mother has broken down completely. Nobody deserves to be physically or verbally abused. May you always have the peace and contentment in life that you a decent human being deserve.
Take care and all the best for the future
Kindest regards
Sarah B
Quote from: The Original Cami on July 13, 2010, 01:41:14 AMNot telling them to cut it out. Yes we all need to vent but some just do it in every post. I love to help a hurting person any time I can but some times people need a reality check. This is a great place to come for advice when your hurting and/or confused but once you figure it out it's time to take action, or not. I have met with several trans people from this and other forums that just want to play victim and have people feel sorry for them.
Yeah, I get you. I've met some folks like that, too. In fact, well, it's one reason I don't attend a certain trans discussion group anymore. People are dropping that group and not attending--probably because of one semi-whiner and one Olympic-level griper who just goes over the same old ground again and again. It gets old.
But remember that you do have the power to block out anyone at Susan's who really gets on your nerves!
This is just depressing to hear...
I'm sorry your family and your mother are terrible to you. It makes me feel blessed to have mine be as kind as they are.
Hopefully one day you can live in peace.
In one sense Spacial is correct, however a much more sinister and a better understanding is:
Quote from: spacial on July 13, 2010, 08:01:24 AM
If I may. I'd like to offer a response there.
These people, whether they profess Christainity, Islam or any other group of faiths, are not interested in the faith or the teachings.
They use religion as a political Power tool.
In other words they want to control people, by using religion as their means.
Kind regards
Sarah B
Cami,
I have never, never heard anything more right. I believe in every word you wrote. It really is true. One will never get anywhere unless they do something. This is a world where you must make your own decisions. Every choice you make is only your own fault. You cannot blame anyone else. True, there are influences such as family, friends or environment but it is only you that can make that choice. A part of transitioning is becoming your own individual. There are risks, no one said it would be easy. Everyone has it different but one should always be aware that the support you thought you had might just slip away or vanish instantly. Now, this doesn't mean you shouldn't try or enjoy the support you have, you just have to know how lucky you are. I never, ever will take the support I have for granted. What for? So I can mess it all up and then cry about it? No. I personally am an optimist but I understand things about this world such as nothing is perfect and we are all human.
It's okay to cry, to want support and to depend on others but you, Cami, are so right when you say you have to be willing to lose everything because that might just happen. When one transitions, there is no telling what could happen. It is a scary process so, simply, be careful. Know who your real friends are, the real people that take you seriously for who are and never take what they give for granted. Learn from your experiences and love yourself for your knowledge. Transitioning, like I said, is different for everyone but know you are never alone. :) There is support not only on this site, but everywhere. Sometimes it may seem the room is pitch black but if you just turn around at the right moment, you can find that crack of light. Everyone lives their lives to their own desires but there is both something good or bad waiting in the future. So, be prepared.
Those of us transitioning need to not only learn about binding, cross-dressing, etc but about the dangers of this life style and the different support systems out there. It is indeed, a hard journey but if you are willing and ready, then it will be worth it in the end.
Tom
PS. My motto is: Live through today for the sake of tomorrow. Be an optimist because there's always something good in the situation because it could be worse. ^^
Religion is stupid and used as a control. And its lose, not loose.
You lose things. Your shoelaces are loose.
Quote from: Lori on July 16, 2010, 03:32:47 AM
Religion is stupid and used as a control. And its lose, not loose.
You lose things. Your shoelaces are loose.
Shhhhhh I'm minorly dyslexic lol.
I was uh testing you! Yeah! That's it. You are a smart cookie my friend, you get a golden star. ;P
EDIT: Hmmm...I didn't even think if that was referring to me or not... >.<
And in a sense, yeah you're right. I find it depends on the religion. *Shrugs* To each their own. :)
QuoteAs for the guy that threw the pie at me... he was drunk, I was drunk, we were all drunk. If he offers a sincere apology then I'll just forgive and forget. I've made some pretty bad mistakes myself and sadly gay bashing was one of them when I was lying to myself about who I was. Forgiving some one for a wrong done feels so much better then holding a grudge.
Beautifully said, beautifully played. That's the message right there.
Sarah B. Totally with you on the power tool thing btw!
Lori,
So if your shoelaces are loose you could lose them.
Is that correct?
Thanks sooo much!!!
By the way my 1st grade teacher's name was Lori.
Quite a coincidence, huh?
Quote from: gail123 on July 16, 2010, 12:15:00 PM
Lori,
So if your shoelaces are loose you could lose them.
Is that correct?
Umm... if your shoelaces are loose, just tie them, before you trip. :)
Have you been successful at most of the other stuff you've done in your life?
Then this should be no different.
Have you basically been a failure at just about everything?
Then that pattern will most likely continue too.
@ Tom: couldn't have said it better myself.
@Tekla: I just might have to use your post as a bumper sticker. :laugh: I love it and it's so true.
So, the guy did apologize and he was without a doubt sincerely sorry. He has gone out of his way to make sure I get what I need at work now and he is quick to chastise any of the other grill crew if he hears them using slanderous words even if they are in Spanish.
When he apologized he was like "Cami, I'm really really sorry I did that to you. I was an ass, I was drunk but I was still and ass and I am so sorry. How can I make it up to you?"
I shook his and after the classic local hand jive and fist bump, I told him all was for given and we both had a great week at work together cutting up and having fun.
I think next year for our employee party I'm going to make him a peanut butter pie, just for laughs!
that was sweet of him Cami. Watch out, he may be sweet on you now. ;D
LOL! I hardly think so Janet. That would be a little creepy seeing as he's 13 years younger then me. ;D
Very good post Cami, and I agree with it completely. What you write may seem like a harsh thing to say, but sometimes the "tough love" approach is necessary. Many people, from any and all walks of life, seem to get stuck in this rut of complaining about everything until it gets to the point that every time they open their mouths, it's to gripe and bitch about something. I work with a man like that, and have had to tell him many times to just shut up or find someone else to bitch to, because I don't want to hear it any more. You can only hear constant complaints from the same person for so long before it becomes old and tired.
Someone once said, when something bad happens and you get knocked down, there are generally two responses: one person will pick themselves up, learn from the experience and move on, the other type will stay down and complain, looking for someone to point their finger at for every little thing that goes wrong.
That's very true, whether we're talking about people transitioning or not. It happens all the time everywhere. Some just seem to live to be miserable and I've even seen some that seem to go out of their way to find something to be miserable about.
When it comes to transition, figure out what you need to do, how you need to do it, then make a plan and stick to it. If transition can't happen right now, then make the best of the situation while you are living it. Find something to enjoy, things to do that you like, and just live your life. Once you can transition, go forward boldly and unapologetically. However, don't make excuses, don't shift blame, and don't be bitter and cruel. It's nobodies fault that we are trans, and it won't do any good to make examples of people or get on our own high-horse.
The advice some were giving you about getting him fired could have simply escalated the problem, since a person's livelihood is also their life in many cases. If you lost him his job over it he could have done worse to retaliate. I think you handled the situation beautifully, and I commend you. You kept your head, and you stayed pure and true in your goals and beliefs without reducing yourself to his level.
~April
^ I must say that even though its certainly not good to stay in a victim state, that it can be hard if you are an emotional person. Sometimes I'm more practical and stable, and then I could be able to see where I am, where I want to go, and do what I need to do. However, as I have experience in, if one is in a state of being more emotional and negative, or emotionally unstable, It's really damn hard to be able to pick oneself up, especially if there are other factors in like continual disappointment, having a history of being burned by people, etc... Once again, I'm not condoning a victim state, yet I don't think its ok to judge people who are in it, who probably need support and reassurance IMO (or at least a mood stabilizer) more than someone to criticize them (this doesn't apply to people who are rather people that complain about this and that for the sake of being judgemental.)
Cami-
Wow! You are one of the many people that make this site worth visiting.
I agree with you that a person really has be prepared to give up everything to transition. But I disagree about your position that we have to make it alone. Perhaps we are arguing semantics, but no man or woman is an island. We need other people to help us along our way.
You were hired as Cami. Someone took a chance on you. According to you, most of your co-workers and customers also get along with you. In fact, you have close girl friends who asked you to go to your employee party. (And of course you have us here.)
I agree with you, we all have to figure out how to pay our bills. But none of us is alone. Isn't that why we have Susan's living room? This is some place to kick off our shoes and share our experiences living our interesting lives.
^ I wanted to leave my mom two and a half years ago, and I was actively trying to build up a support base from within the TG community. However, my mom found out about me being transgendered and started guilt tripping me, and started making me feel afraid that she'd commit suicide (she talked before of routinely having suicidal thoughts) and I felt alone in dealing with my mom, and everything went into a tailspin (and my whole plans went into a tailspin to this day) because I didn't have enough time to build a good enough support base (I only had two months), because the TG people that I had in the support base (maybe about a dozen or so) at that time didn't do much at all to help or comfort me in dealing with my mom, so I got f***** over because I was going through a crisis and didn't have people to help me cope and deal. This also made me fearful of leaving my mom, knowing that I wouldn't be able to trust other TG people in helping me and possibly being out alone in the world, which is terrifying IMO. So that led to periods of resentful denial and trying to pretend to be a cisgendered straight guy and fit in and eventually ended up hating it and getting fed up with pretending, and trying to go back to the TG community, but it also took a toll on me mentally, leading me to be more unsure of myself or "trying to figure what I am to no avail." or even that I have hardly anyone to closely identify with (because I'm not a traditional TS despite my intense want to transition) leading to intense identity instability, leading to frustration and feelings of bleakness about my life and starting to entertain suicidal thoughts.
I wish the TG community were more supportive of each other, given the extreme stuff that TG people have to deal with (and the lack of anybody else to be able to talk with), and when your emotional, you really do need a lot of support to be able to transition (after all, unless your stealth, many of us practically are taking on the world.)
Quote from: Sarah B on July 15, 2010, 06:05:05 PM
In one sense Spacial is correct, however a much more sinister and a better understanding is:
QuoteThey use religion as a political Power tool.
In other words they want to control people, by using religion as their means.
Kind regards
Sarah B
I can fully accept that sentiment, even with the unfortunate double meaning.
QuoteI agree with you that a person really has be prepared to give up everything to transition.
What about the threat and guilt of possibly destroying your family? Of possibly your mom committing suicide (because after a life of suffering emotionally, including depression, all she has left in this world are her children) and thus being responsible for your mom's death? Or to a lesser extent, the guilt of possibly humiliating your parent's and their families when they have to tell their families about their child (coming from an ethnic background like chinese and hispanics that are very traditional and that values males much more than females), or the guilt of "this is how I repay my family after all they have done for me" because they gave me 27 years of support, a college education, and a new car.
Do you know how does it feel to be guilty and feel terrible about yourself, that you feel like don't even deserve to live then? When you are a caring person, its the worst feeling in the world. For many people, guilt is strong enough to commit suicide.
Quote from: KatelynDo you know how does it feel to be guilty and feel terrible about yourself, that you feel like don't even deserve to live then? When you are a caring person, its the worst feeling in the world. For many people, guilt is strong enough to commit suicide.
YES!
This line of reasoning almost lead me to pull the triger.
We have to balance the wants of others against our needs, and I was taught needs come before wants.
Very true, but there also comes a time when transition shifts from being a "want" to a "need" and must be addressed. Should a person sacrifice their needs for the sake of others and their expectations forever?
There's a saying I have heard many times in my life, and that saying is, "true suicides don't threaten it, they just do it."
Some will make big displays of "I'll just kill myself" as a manipulation tactic, which to me is selfish. I'm not saying that it necessarily applies to this situation, but sometimes it does happen.
Quote from: Katelyn on July 18, 2010, 03:55:39 PM
What about the threat and guilt of possibly destroying your family? Of possibly your mom committing suicide (because after a life of suffering emotionally, including depression, all she has left in this world are her children) and thus being responsible for your mom's death? Or to a lesser extent, the guilt of possibly humiliating your parent's and their families when they have to tell their families about their child (coming from an ethnic background like chinese and hispanics that are very traditional and that values males much more than females), or the guilt of "this is how I repay my family after all they have done for me" because they gave me 27 years of support, a college education, and a new car.
Do you know how does it feel to be guilty and feel terrible about yourself, that you feel like don't even deserve to live then? When you are a caring person, its the worst feeling in the world. For many people, guilt is strong enough to commit suicide.
A little over a year ago I was right there with you. I had to face the choice, do I put people through whatever or do I kill myself and put them through something similar? I kind of wanted to live, so I looked at it like this- if anybody wishes I had committed suicide instead of having put them through whatever then a) they had some kind of weird codependency thing going on with my life that they should examine, probably with the help of a qualified professional, b) they don't love me, at least not in terms of how I understand that word, and c) I can be as good as dead to them if that is what they wish.
I think "c" is the route my dad has taken, but I'm not sure yet... =/. Anyway I don't think anybody should martyr themselves and suffer through life because they are worried about the (honestly ridiculous) hangups somebody else may have.
Knowing how I felt pre-transition, I take offense to anybody that claims to love me, yet hints that they wish I would go back to that dark, dark place.
Quote from: JenKnowing how I felt pre-transition, I take offense to anybody that claims to love me, yet hints that they wish I would go back to that dark, dark place.
I must concur with this sentiment completely. I was an ass as a man and miserable to boot. Anyone who knows me and can not see the positive changes from transition in me, must be blind to reality.
Quote from: jillblum on July 13, 2010, 04:32:19 AM
How do the religious right not hear the message of their own prophet?
You really do have to jump in with both feet. You only lose the people you never really had!
For one, too many fundamentalists go strictly by the book.....the old book, and didn't pay close attention of the message in the new book, the book that supersedes the old.
And yes, you only do lose the people you never really had. I am personally very aware of that. I lost every single friend I had. On the other hand, I gained more friends eventually, than I lost.
Quote from: cynthialee on July 18, 2010, 05:20:00 PM
I must concur with this sentiment completely. I was an ass as a man and miserable to boot. Anyone who knows me and can not see the positive changes from transition in me, must be blind to reality.
I can sympathize with that... I was a miserable jerk before I started transition. Everyone pretty much loves me now, even the people who didn't like me much before. It was a help for others to accept my decision when they saw how much happier I was (and am).
Vee
Quote from: Katelyn on July 18, 2010, 03:55:39 PM
What about the threat and guilt of possibly destroying your family? Of possibly your mom committing suicide
At the end of the day, each one of us are responsible for our own actions and the consequences of them. You are no more the cause of someone's emotional instability then they are of your gender identity disorder.
My mother went as far as to tell me that I did not love or respect her because I ignored her "wishes" by becoming a transsexual. By that same logic then she doesn't love or respect me because she went against my "wishes" and became a diabetic.
I wish I wasn't trans and I wish she wasn't going to die from her condition but I am not God and I can not control genetics or the emotions of others. That doesn't give us the right to act excessively selfish and hurtful to those around us but we all have to make our own way in the world.
Quote from: The Original Cami on July 18, 2010, 08:39:29 PM
At the end of the day, each one of us are responsible for our own actions and the consequences of them. You are no more the cause of someone's emotional instability then they are of your gender identity disorder.
My mother went as far as to tell me that I did not love or respect her because I ignored her "wishes" by becoming a transsexual. By that same logic then she doesn't love or respect me because she went against my "wishes" and became a diabetic.
I wish I wasn't trans and I wish she wasn't going to die from her condition but I am not God and I can not control genetics or the emotions of others. That doesn't give us the right to act excessively selfish and hurtful to those around us but we all have to make our own way in the world.
Exactly. We must understand that in transitioning, there is a possibility for great loss but at the same time, it is never one hundred percent our own faults. Like you said, it's as much my fault for my mom being ill as it is her fault for my being a transsexual. It's hard on everyone but the work you do to achieve who you truly are, if done right with the support of friends and "family" (like us! ^^), will be worth it in the end. Never feel alone for there are always others (like us! XD).
I wish it didn't have to be this way either, that I could just wake up and be the man I want to be, but it isn't that easy so there's no use in crying about it. I'll stand up and square my shoulders and face the world, learning from what I can with the support of those who do care. :) Besides, life is good when you have Susan's Place. ;D
Quote from: The Original Cami on July 17, 2010, 10:26:05 AM
So, the guy did apologize and he was without a doubt sincerely sorry. He has gone out of his way to make sure I get what I need at work now and he is quick to chastise any of the other grill crew if he hears them using slanderous words even if they are in Spanish.
When he apologized he was like "Cami, I'm really really sorry I did that to you. I was an ass, I was drunk but I was still and ass and I am so sorry. How can I make it up to you?"
I shook his and after the classic local hand jive and fist bump, I told him all was for given and we both had a great week at work together cutting up and having fun.
I think next year for our employee party I'm going to make him a peanut butter pie, just for laughs!
Well played, Cami. You turned a potentially ugly situation to your advantage, and now you have an advocate in the workplace as well. This was the best possible outcome IMO :)