I had my first therapy session today, I found this therapist through a trans resource, and she is very trans-friendly, and very familiar with LGBT issues. I came into the session dressed as Colleen (with my new wig, watch and necklace, YAY!), and we had a great chat. Since it was the first session, it was mostly about me filling her in on my history, how I got to where I am now, and what's going on between me and my wife, plus issues about when to start coming out to my kids, etc. I felt really, really good about the session, and about her. She's very warm and friendly, a good listener, and also seems very knowledgeable about the issues and emotions I'm facing. Next session in two weeks... can't WAIT!
I'm so happy you found a good therapist! I've had some good ones and some that just didn't "get" me. Hopefully the one I've got my eye on for TG chat works out as good for me as yours did for you!
::hugs::
Thanks, little sister! Let me know how yours works out, too! Hope they're half as good as mine, at least!
Congrats! Its great you found a good therapist. I was with a so-so one for many months until I found a good one last week who is specialize in trans issues. Good luck to you next session!
Erikka :)
Congratulations!! Sounds like you found an amazing therapist. Good luck!!
Thank you, I hope so. Looking forward to my second session next week (Wednesday). In the meantime, I sent her the "Life Story" I wrote up for CAMH, and the diary I've been keeping, so hopefully we can get into some really productive areas.
Awesome news Colleen! :) A good counselor/therapist can really help.
Best of luck to you in the weeks/months to come. :)
I know the feeling, I look forward to seeing my therapist when my appointment is near too. It's great isn't it :)
Colleen,
A good therapist is worth their weight in gold. Not only do they help in discovering your inner self, they also can open doors.
All these first steps take courage Colleen....
So well done.... ;)
And with determination....tis true we all eventually arrive at a space/place we wanna be....
With a smidgen of luck along the way too of course...
Thanks, girls. I'm mainly looking to her to help me with my feelings as I move through this... feelings of guilt for having married my wife 31 years ago without telling her about my struggle, guilt over what this will do to her, etc. As well as help making a plan for coming out to my children, family, etc. And, of course, that all-important HRT letter when the time comes. That won't be until after my official diagnosis, which will likely be somewhere in the first quarter of the new year. I do hope it won't be later than that...
Learning to forgive yourself Colleen is key....
Until you can do this with full honesty and sincerity, you'll need to learn to let yourself of the hook too with this (its not yer fault)....this is all key for anyone's sane survival...
And with your old life receding, I'm sure you would have done your very best, as many of us do.....for yer family and will continue to do so....
TG folk can be some of the stronger minded and determined you'll ever meet....
But when this first stage psychological part is over (learning to like yourself and stop feeling guilt for yer true female feelings) you'll then finally be in a better place to safely venture on...
And all else that you then do can once more be built and hung on top of this new secure base....you'll have a firmer footing....to progress...
As finally you're being fair and true to your inner self.....
Which is what this journey of self-discovery is all about....
And without that what else of worth can you ever hold or have?
Very true, Cruella, and thank you. I already have come a long way in a short time - I no longer feel shame for being what I am and needing to be who I am, and I have completely accepted that I am indeed meant to be a woman, and every new experience along this journey only serves to confirm it. I am much stronger now than I've ever been in my life, and I know that I will be successful. My wife and I will soon have a much deeper and franker conversation on this topic, and then we'll both have a much clearer idea where we stand. And then we'll move on from there. The future is indeed open, and cannot be predicted. I simply have to come to terms with letting go... of my former self, of my hopes for a particular outcome, and much else besides. But I will.
Good luck with your talk with your wife Colleen, whenever you choose to do it.
It'll be sometime next week, I think... I want to talk with the therapist about it first, to get her opinion on whether it's time for me to begin "pushing" a little - so far I've mainly been giving my wife time to deal with her feelings, but it seems she'd rather be in denial and try to "get on" with "normal" life. Like maybe if she can pretend things are normal, they will be. So I'm feeling like... maybe I need to sit her down and say "We need to talk" and then share how things have been going for me, and how I'm feeling about the progress I've made. And how this is NOT going away. I'm thinking it might be time for me to let her know that I WILL move forward with this, and that she then has her own decisions to make.
And... she has not made any move to find her own counselor, either. I do wish she would. She needs someone to talk to who isn't me...
Quote from: Colleen Ireland on September 18, 2010, 04:51:44 PM
I am much stronger now than I've ever been in my life, and I know that I will be successful. My wife and I will soon have a much deeper and franker conversation on this topic, and then we'll both have a much clearer idea where we stand. And then we'll move on from there. The future is indeed open, and cannot be predicted. I simply have to come to terms with letting go... of my former self, of my hopes for a particular outcome, and much else besides. But I will.
It sounds like you're mentally preparing to leave behind the past -- which is our first defense mechanism, but I think that the more you can hang on to those good relationships through transition, the stronger they will become, and so many people can be a source of support and comfort during difficult times. Don't give up without a fight big sister - I know we can be stubborn and bullheaded at times, and want to transition/change "right away", but I think that as part of moving forward, it is so important to prepare as much as possible for the crooked road ahead, and try to allow your companions (like a significant other, children, and possibly others) to join you/ cheerlead you during your journey as much as possible. Making the journey about the changes that will occur to the whole family and not just me has helped me to put perspective how to approach transition while including Jenn and my kids. I know families are not always very resilient to transition but I think that those relationships have been built over so much time it seems a shame to just toss them aside without putting up (or getting geared up for) a significant struggle to keep the relationships intact.
Things aren't staying status quo for sure, but that doesn't mean that you should just take everything you've built over the years, and bin it. Framing your "sit down" conversations with your wife such that it is as much about your relationship as much as it is about your own personal journey may help to make it seem less like an "I'm changing now go deal with it", which sounds like an ultimatum and will have her putting up defenses and not reacting logically. She does need to know clearly and without confusion what is going on with you; to see the reality of the situation. I recommend framing the conversations in the most open-ended, cooperative and collaborative tone, like "You've probably noticed, I'm changing, its not going away. I need you to help me to work through how we can deal with these changes and at the same time try to keep our relationship intact." She'll certainly need time to adjust and will ask for compromises, but isn't that what relationships are about? Give and take.
In addition to having individual, frank conversations about the reality of transition, Jenn and I both
strongly recommend going to couples counseling (if you can find a therapist / therapists who are willing, conjoint couples therapy is useful so that each of you can work with your individual counselors as well as coming together for couples sessions) , that way you can be assured that you have taken full measures and done all you can to try and work through the changes - You owe it to yourself, your wife and kids to try to make it work if at all possible.
Charles Darwin's statement about species survival also applies to relationships as well -- "It is not the strongest of the species that survives, nor the most intelligent that survives. It is the one that is the most adaptable to change."
The sooner you start having these conversations, the better. The longer you wait, the more damage and misunderstandings can be caused, and the further you may be growing apart - if you're not talking about it, who knows what fears she may be keeping bottled up inside?
Love and hugs.
Quote from: Rayalisse on September 18, 2010, 08:05:19 PMThe sooner you start having these conversations, the better. The longer you wait, the more damage and misunderstandings can be caused, and the further you may be growing apart - if you're not talking about it, who knows what fears she may be keeping bottled up inside?
Thank you, little sister. You have wise words. Rest assured, I am not eager to simply toss a 30+ year relationship in the dustbin, I'm just not terribly optimistic at this point about her ability to adapt and grow. And it tears me up inside. But I can only help her to a certain extent - she must be willing to do her own work, too. No signs of willingness so far. But yes, you're right, we need to be talking about it. I do so appreciate knowing that you're looking out for me as well.
Woot! You go Colleen! I am still trying to get one for myself and I hope it's as good as yours. I look forward to hearing how your future sessions go.
Spouses have a hard job on this. I'm in the same boat, married with a baby girl. It hurts to think they will leave and we all hope they can adapt and learn to stay with us. Hopefully your spouse will come around and remember why she loves you and that deep down you are still the same person. Only difference is your now going through your metamorphosis and she is slowly seeing your true form come around.
Thanks, Jessica. I think dealing with my wife and kids will likely be the hardest part of transition for me, emotionally. I never dated in high school, and my wife was the first person I ever dated seriously. So I have NO experience with breakups. Of course, there's a lot else I have no experience with (yet) that I will be going through as well. Best thing I can say is if your therapist doesn't work out, don't give up. Keep trying till you find a good one. They're out there! And worth every penny...
Had my second session this evening, and WOW, was I ever right about how good this therapist is! I went in there feeling like I might burst into tears unexpectedly, because of the conversation I had with my wife last night (see the "What did you have to give up?" thread in the MTF Transsexual Talk forum), and I was feeling really bad, but after my session, I felt a lot better. One thing, the therapist is totally working from the standpoint that this IS me, in fact she said that from what I've told her so far (and I also sent her my Life Story I wrote up for CAMH), she is in no doubt, and in fact I've told her (in my first session) that I'm really in no doubt myself. Not confused on this point. But it's really hard when your wife is in mourning, and denial, and working as hard as she can to keep you from transitioning, and to convince you that it's all in your head. So... I am BLESSED to have found this therapist. At the end of the session, she basically said "The main work we're here to do, is to get you feeling more comfortable about being Colleen, and help you with these other issues as well." (Ahhhh...)
Went straight from her office to my support group meeting also (a half-hour drive away, on highways), and that was fantastic also. So, I'm in much better shape emotionally than I was last night at this time.
Glad you have someone to talk to Colleen. Even in my relationship, with a mostly suppotive wife, things can get tense. Having friends to talk to helps, but everyone has their own bias and rooting interests. An impartial listener with only your best interest at heart is invaluable.
*An impartial listener with only your best interest at heart is invaluable*
Excellent advice....I'd 2nd that for sure....
Thats great to hear Colleen! Nothing like getting the stone rolling down hill to ease the burden.