So, my boyfriend is disproving my manliness at the moment. It's annoying me. Seriously.
What do I tell him? He says that more physical violence is the key to being a man, and stuff like that.
How do I counter such attacks?
I am totally interested in the results...currently my wife is the same
The biggest anti violence people I can think of are guys. Like Gandhi.
Wow a man that doesn't think having a huge penis is the key to being a man. :D Okay not what you meant.
I would explain to him that you are a man, a modern man. Not a CAVEman. You are part of the enlighten age and you believe in gentility, kindness, and being an benefit to others. Not pounding things with your fists.
Not all men are violent ->-bleeped-<-s and not all women are soft, fragile things. It's not his place to direct what kinda man you're gonna be. You're aiming to be the man you are, nothing more and nothing less. IMHO if he doesn't "approve" then he can jog on.
Join a Karate class and learn to just be zen. .... and if he messes with your zen wax the floor with him. ;D
j/k
Idiot boy is an idiot. What more can you say?
Answer: Boot to the head. ;)
His reasoning is like this: "I'm a straight man, so therefor you must be a girl."
It stings. It really hurts when he says stuff like that. He's been saying that the whole trans thing is all in my head, too.
I don't know what to do, I lost myself yesterday. Started yelling, cussing, things like that.
I really don't know what to do. I mean, I wanna grow up into a man, but I don't want to hurt my bf. :(
Honestly, in this situation I think you're better of on your own than with him. He's a negative influence on you and your identity. He wants to be with a woman, you don't identify as such. One of you has to sway on this in order for it to work. Do you really see your bf able to embrace you for who you are and accept that he may be perceived as a gay man by remaining with you? If not, this relationship + transition is not likely to work out.
Hate to say it man because if you're still with him then you obviously like him but Osiris is right. He sounds like he's not understanding and is against your transition. Some guys are with trans guys and just don't label themselves gay but if he thinks you need to be a girl and your not then you're better off finding someone who loves you for you, no matter what that makes them. :(
If I leave him, he'll most likely kill himself. He says that I am his only reason to still live (he's battling depression, PTSD, OCPD and Asperger's). I just want to be me, and, well, I might get my referral letter (to a therapist) soon. I'm nowhere near actual transitioning.
I... dammit, I have no idea what to do. It's just that I'm not a macho kind of man. I might be a bit feminine, but does that mean that I'm a woman? He also says that I was successful as a woman, and joked about my period (which I'm currently on; I think that was what caused me to start yelling at him and all that stuff).
I really don't know what to do. I love him, but I don't want to be a woman.
You can't stay in a harmful relationship because someone is dependent on you, especially because over time if this person doesn't learn to rely on themself they will get worse and worse, and your ability to hold this person up while sacrificing yourself and your needs will ultimately fail you.
You have to find the balance. No I'm not saying, he's not supporting you so screw him and kick him to the curb. But you have to find a way to do what's right for you regardless of what he desires to have from you. You have to realize how easily this can become emotional blackmail: You don't want to be a woman, he wants to be with a woman, he needs you, you can't leave him because he'll harm himself, but he can't be with you as a man because he wants you to be a woman. See what I'm saying?
If this situation doesn't come up now it may in the future and you may ultimately need to make the choice, is it going to be transition or is it going to be keeping this relationship going for the sake of your bf.
I would have been pissed too. It's not his place to tell you who you are, and it's not yours to be his sole pillar of support. I hate to say it, but I'm going to go ahead and guess you are not a certified psychiatrist or doctor. It is extremely difficult for those who aren't to help people who really need it. I think the best thing you can do for him is to help him find the support he really needs and then get some distance. It'll help you both focus on what you need.
Best of luck to you man
Ahh yes I forgot to put that in my post: What your boyfriend really needs is a therapist, relationships no matter how stable aren't going to solve ones problems with depression/stress/aspergers/etc.
Quote from: PixieBoy on December 02, 2010, 12:28:40 AM
If I leave him, he'll most likely kill himself. He says that I am his only reason to still live (he's battling depression, PTSD, OCPD and Asperger's). I just want to be me, and, well, I might get my referral letter (to a therapist) soon. I'm nowhere near actual transitioning.
I... dammit, I have no idea what to do. It's just that I'm not a macho kind of man. I might be a bit feminine, but does that mean that I'm a woman? He also says that I was successful as a woman, and joked about my period (which I'm currently on; I think that was what caused me to start yelling at him and all that stuff).
I really don't know what to do. I love him, but I don't want to be a woman.
I've been in a similar situation. I broke up with them over 7 months ago and they haven't killed themselves. I wish I had of broken up with them sooner. I know they have been seeing a therapist and a physiatrist. They sent me a text the other day saying how they still love me. Try to get him to seek professional help. You have to do what makes you happy. It's not wrong to put yourself first. Not leaving him is opening yourself up to emotional abuse. If they kill themselves its not your fault. If he really loves you he would want you to be happy, even if it's not with him.
He doesn't trust psychiatrists and the like, he says that they've made him do things that has made his family terribly disappointed in him. His parents are very religious Indians (from India), so they've raised him very, VERY strictly. He isn't allowed to talk to girls, even. I think that maybe this is why he's a bit weird like that.
He tends to say things like "Oh, if you'd seen what I've seen, then you wouldn't act the way you do". He really, really hates my chosen name as well, since it reminds him of his past (he got his PTSD due to horrendous bullying, and one of the worst of the bunch was named Elias).
I don't know what I do wrong, but it seems like it is a LOT. He doesn't talk to me today. Maybe he's left me.
I have no idea anymore, I feel so... messed-up, like I've really managed to mess things up this time.
Try not to blame yourself. You are entitled to do what makes you happy. If he doesn't what to go to a psychiatrist, maybe he would benefit from talking to others who have PTSD. Even if its just online. I really don't know what else to say, but I wish you the best and hope things turn for the better soon.
Did you come out to him recently? A lot of people who have trouble accepting or understanding the condition seem to go straight to "No way because you're *whatever* like a *wo/man*" or "You can't be a *wo/man* because you like *thing*". They're just incredulous and can't/don't want to "get it" and want to shove you back in the binary box because it makes them uncomfortable.
Maybe he's insecure about his sexuality- tell him to read up on the kinsey scale! Alternately, he might be realizing he's gay and mad about it, straight girls have dated me and I've never in my life passed for male, and one of them got *really upset* about "being a lesbian" and wanted to make a huge fuss about it and come out to everyone. (and good thing she didn't- she's straight, she's never dated a woman! She would have looked like a fool!) Maybe he was all like "whew finally I like a woman" but then "Honey I am transsex" and he's all like "self, I am disappoint" (sorry I love memes)
DO NOT LET SOMEONE ELSE DECIDE WHETHER YOU TRANSITION OR NOT. Tell him that if he thinks he can tell you who you are and what you feel, he can hit the highway.
Edit: Oh, he's an Aspie? SO WHAT? Lots of people have Aspergers and don't need to hurt other people to live their lives. If anyone has to "man up", it's asspie there.
Quote from: PixieBoy on December 01, 2010, 02:20:48 PMHe says that more physical violence is the key to being a man, and stuff like that. How do I counter such attacks?
My honest answer is to break up with him immediately. If he truly believes that, there's no point in dragging this out for a couple of years. Unless he's actively in intensive treatment for his suicidal feelings, you're not doing him any favors by staying either.
If he is going to be a constant roadblock to transition because of his internal stereotypes about men (and possibly his sexuality), your relationship is not going to work out. As someone with PTSD, I also think that the name thing could be a good minor conflict. I used to be very biased against women named "Julie" but now one of my closest friends is a Julie. That never would have happened if I didn't have to be around her (friend of my GF).
Right now he needs to figure out what he truly wants and how much he wants your relationship to continue. But you can't force his hand and you can't bend to his will in this instance. You must come first in this.
EDIT: Most people with AS spend their whole adult lives trying to fix their negative behaviors and spend lots of extra time working towards being an average member of society. There are a small number who use it for sympathy and just act like jerks to everyone constantly. So no sympathy for him just because he has to conform to social mores.
I have AS as well. I think that maybe he's just adjusting, since I've come out to him recently. I've tried to make him call me he more often, but I doubt it will work. I just want to be happy, and I wnat him to be happy.
I dislike feelings and such, I wish I could view this completely objectively. But I cannot.
Well, now he's gone. I left him. I am a cruel, heartless, total bastard, but I'm too mentally screwed-up to handle a romantic relationship.
He wanted a girlfriend to show the tormentors of his past that "Ha, you idiots, now I have a girlfriend so you can all sod off!". He got me, and I pretended to be a girl for a while, even though my mind/gut feeling said "No!" (I repressed the feelings).
He loved the drag show and not me, so he can get a real girl instead of a boy who looks like one.
I'm free now. Alone, not lonely. We had our good times, but this was ultimately necessary.
I know you feel like crap for it, but it'll be best for him too.
Congrats man :)
Congrats on your dead weight loss. Looks good on you. ;)
You need room to spread your wings. He was holding you back.
I'm sorry that you feel like crap about it man but it sounds like it was for the best. Best wishes towards the future, maybe next time around you'll meet someone who will love you for the man you are
He says that more physical violence is the key to being a man
He's asking for it.
And now I feel like crying except I can't. I am heartless, I've done a terrible thing. I wish he would love me for who I am and not what I look like, but I'm not sure if he can. Will see if I can take a week's pause, and then see what happens. It's very difficult, and I feel like the most wretched, undeserving scum to ever live.
Ending things with him doesn't make you a bad person. It isn't a moral crime to want to be happy, and you deserve to be happy. He does too, so maybe you'll both find happiness this way. Could you still be friends?
You have not done a terrible thing. A relationship needs two parties to function - when one is unhappy with the state of the relationship, the only options available are to fix it or to break it. Fixing it would have required him to accept you - he didn't. He had every chance to fix your relationship, but he didn't. The burden is on him, not on you - you simply took the only option he left you. Being trans is hard enough without also being trapped in a bad relationship. And had you waited, chances are the breakup would come, anyway, only then it'd be hard, bitter and painful, and you'd end up without any chance of even being friends.
Quote from: PixieBoy on December 03, 2010, 04:04:51 PM
And now I feel like crying except I can't. I am heartless, I've done a terrible thing. I wish he would love me for who I am and not what I look like, but I'm not sure if he can. Will see if I can take a week's pause, and then see what happens. It's very difficult, and I feel like the most wretched, undeserving scum to ever live.
Dude ya gotta stop blaming yourself from walking away from something that was hurting you. Give it time, think it all over, but you are an awesome guy. Yes, awesome guy. He should not have been comfortable with being someone who was lying to make him feel better and you should not be beating yourself up for breaking up with a person who wasn't with you for you.
Quote from: PixieBoy on December 03, 2010, 12:35:05 PM
He wanted a girlfriend to show the tormentors of his past that "Ha, you idiots, now I have a girlfriend so you can all sod off!". He got me, and I pretended to be a girl for a while, even though my mind/gut feeling said "No!" (I repressed the feelings).
I'm free now. Alone, not lonely. We had our good times, but this was ultimately necessary.
Don't forget that. Things are going to be tough for a while if you stay broken up but
do not let yourself forget that. You're not cruel, heartless. You cannot live a fake life for someone else and a person who truly loves you wouldn't want you to.
Honestly, I don't think you could have givin each other what you both wanted. Sure it seems harsh to leave him now, but it opens up the opportunity for the both of you to find what you really want and need.
Don't be hard on yourself for doing what needed to be done, and would have been done sooner or later.
Quote from: PixieBoy on December 01, 2010, 02:20:48 PM
So, my boyfriend is disproving my manliness at the moment. It's annoying me. Seriously.
What do I tell him? He says that more physical violence is the key to being a man, and stuff like that.
How do I counter such attacks?
Deck him.
Seriously, you have to take responsibility for your own life, and he for his. He might think that the two of you are compatible, but it takes two to tango. If you're not happy with him, you are right not to stick with him.
If you continue to feel like a heel, ask yourself what your alternatives were.
Whenever he says that punch him in the head. I imagine he will soon not ask you to be more violent.
You did the right thing. I haven't been around, but I remember the way he'd been treating you before, when you first started posting here... honestly, he did not stop hurting you, and that is unacceptable. You gave him room and time to adjust, and he still went out of his way to say these very hurtful things to you, over and over.
You are not "too mentally screwed up" for a relationship. He is the one doing all of the harmful things here, not you. You have been open and honest about what you need, and while he has fluctuated back and forth between respecting you and insulting you, it really does not seem like he respects you as a person, and like HE is not mentally healthy enough to be in ANY relationship, with a trans person or not.
Take the time now to heal, Mal (or, er, PixieBoy? whoops). Give yourself some space from him. It will hurt a lot for now, and we're all here for you... and it WILL get better.
Sounds like you did the best thing in the long run, for both of you. Yeah it may hurt for a bit, but it's always sad when something doesn't work out right, and feeling bad for a while is just part of it. Sucks. But if he wasn't happy with you being who you are, then he wasn't going to be happy being with you either, so ending it was probably the best move. Going from what you've said he may never have seen that. And thats not even going into how it sounds like he was just being a right all round ->-bleeped-<- to you...
Still... *pixiehug*
p.s. the proper angry sound is 'grrrowwwrgghh' for pixies ;D
You did a sensible, and logical thing.
It would have been crueller to you both, not to mention a great big waste of time, to string him along while dressing in drag.
You'd just be denying him the opportunity to find what he wants, while denying yourself any form of identity (and the opportunity to find someone that loves you for more than your drag costume). I can't see anyone that benefits from that scenario.
Now you're both free. Free to pursue what you both need to be happy.
I don't think you've been heartless whatsoever. As people grow and change, so do their relationships. Yours just ran it's natural course. No point in dragging it out.
If you found you two really got on well, then there is no reason that you can't become friends again (in a different context of course) later on down the track (once the hurt is gone).
Well... we're together again. I've told him that he can either take me as I am or leave me, and those are the choices. He kind of "disproved my manliness" yesterday; I told him that as soon as he got uncomfortable being with a guy (me), he should get out. He replied that he didn't think I was a guy and that the psychological tests would prove him to be right. It made me very sad.
Should I brek up with him for real? Should I wait for him to come around?
I really dislike it when he does things like that, calls me she and her, says I'm not a guy, etc...
:(
I like talking with him, and he's said that breaking up would be akin to putting a knife into his heart and twisting it around.
I feel like a jerk no matter what I do.
I think it maybe would be better if it ended, it's just that I can't hurt him. I wish he would realize that it would be for the best for him as well.
I took time writing the letter to him, about me leaving him. He read the first seven letters of it. I put time into making that letter as good as I could.
I dunno what to do, I'm split here... Leave him or stay?
I know where you're coming from. I have a friend (who also has AS) who got it in his head that we should be together and that he should get to decide what I did with my life. He was after me constantly, using all the emotional blackmail tactics you've mentioned, with a healthy dose of paranoia about me "leaving him" although we were never together in any way.
Long story short, I had to just stop communicating with him. I felt horrible about it, (and I still do) but after being jerked around emotionally for months, worrying about him and his paranoia and threats to harm himself, I finally realized something. I couldn't live my life for him. It was damaging to me, and it wasn't helping him either because the situation never improved. I wanted to help him and I tried to, but I simply wasn't qualified to give the kind of help that he needed.
It sounds to me like you're in a similar situation. Your boyfriend is not respecting you as a person, and he's become a heavy weight on your shoulders. I think you need to think seriously about what's in YOUR best interest. I know you care about him, but you can't live your life to someone else's standards and be honest with yourself at the same time. Trying to do both will leave you miserable, frustrated, and depressed, and that's no way to live. If you end it once and for all it will hurt and you will feel bad about it, but in retrospect you'll likely realize that it was the best thing to do.
You need to end this. You're in an extremely unhealthy relationship. He doesn't love you for you, he loves the idea of what you could be. He's blackmailing you to stay and no one who truly loves you will EVER do that to you.
You need to end it for real, and hope you can stay friends, and if he keeps up his negative views, stop talking to him all together. I imagine you bring yourself down a fair amount on your own without him helping you, especially since he's supposed to be the one making you feel better about yourself.
I don't mean to be insensitive, but you're stuck in a spiral of negativity, I've had girlfriends try to keep me around by using the "I'll kill myself" angle, and nothing good will come of it. If you're seriously worried about him hurting himself, call someone he knows and trusts and let them know what's up as you break up with him. That way people will be aware that he's in a dark place and will get him the help he needs.
Quote from: FebruaryFalls on December 06, 2010, 09:35:31 AM
You need to end this. You're in an extremely unhealthy relationship. He doesn't love you for you, he loves the idea of what you could be. He's blackmailing you to stay and no one who truly loves you will EVER do that to you.
You need to end it for real, and hope you can stay friends, and if he keeps up his negative views, stop talking to him all together. I imagine you bring yourself down a fair amount on your own without him helping you, especially since he's supposed to be the one making you feel better about yourself.
I don't mean to be insensitive, but you're stuck in a spiral of negativity, I've had girlfriends try to keep me around by using the "I'll kill myself" angle, and nothing good will come of it. If you're seriously worried about him hurting himself, call someone he knows and trusts and let them know what's up as you break up with him. That way people will be aware that he's in a dark place and will get him the help he needs.
It sucks man but he's right :( You gave him a second chance and almost immediately he's telling you you're not trans and hurting you. It's probably comfortable with him even though he is causing you pain, am I right? If that is the case then just realize that if you stay with him he isn't going to stop that. He's going to continue to hurt you.
Alright, I hate to admit it but if it will help. The suicide card.... I've been there. I told one of my ex's that I would, I never really meant it I was just desperately trying to get her to stay. You try to make the person feel guilty about leaving you and make them down on themselves so that they will question what it is you don't like and even if they don't question it it lowers their self esteem so that they think no one else would want them.
She left and I'm glad she did. It gave me time to realize how sick I had gotten. I never even ended up attempting it, I talked to a councilor and I got help. It made me a better person but had she not left I'd probably still be in a vicious cycle of a bad relationship making my partner unhappy.
I'm not saying that he won't commit suicide but if he really is at that point he needs professional help and you can't help him the way he needs.
Pixieboy, I can't add much more than has already been said, but I just wanted to wish you luck. It's hard, but I know you can do it!
Wait until you have to fart and then hold him down and do it on his head.
Quote from: FebruaryFalls on December 06, 2010, 09:35:31 AM
You need to end this. You're in an extremely unhealthy relationship. He doesn't love you for you, he loves the idea of what you could be. He's blackmailing you to stay and no one who truly loves you will EVER do that to you.
Could not agree more. He's acting like the biggest a$$hole in the world to you, and I have no idea why you are bothering with him. Just because he has problems doesn't mean you should be the one to fix them. If he's not giving you the respect you deserve, it's time to end it for good.
Think about it this way: if a casual friend said to you "Well, I don't think you're a guy, but whatever I know I'm right and you're wrong. You just need to be normal for me and I don't care how you feel inside I only want you if you change." Is anyone else said that, would you put up with it? At what point are you willing to not put up with abusive BS from someone who claims to care about you? Putting someone's needs above your own does NOT mean giving into their every desire or allowing your own personality to evaporate.
Seriously, end it now or be stuck with this Dbag forever.