Its almost like reverse seasonal depression or something, except I know why summer is a death sentence to me.
No one understands why I get so upset over it being hot (its 95 today).
Then they'll switch the conversation to swimming and I just shut up and tune out, cause I can't even listen to that.
I'd like to see them wear layers of skin tight compression material that stretches out with heat and moisture just makes it stretch out more. On top of that it digs into you and leaves scars and constricts your breathing. Then it never fully dries while you're wearing it, so you have cold chills. And if it stretches out too much it will get loose and reveal things that no one can find out about, so you walk around in perpetual fear/paranoia that somehow they'll stretch and your secret will be known, thereby losing your job, pride, everything.
But you have to wear it, you have no choice. Walk around like you're just another human being who can strip down to a beater, or go swimming, or wear barely anything in the 100 degree factory at work.
I want to give everyone this burden, just so they know how it feels.
In the words of a friend of mine, a MTF:
QuoteI have never wanted anything more in this wretched life than to be a normal, happy [___]. The dysphoria of being stuck in the wrong body is the worst feeling that I have ever experienced. It is like the most horrible, suffocating feeling of claustrophobia in your own body combined with the most crushing feelings of self-disgust and an intense, overwhelming feeling of envy of most [___] I see while online and out in the world. The envy is the worst part.
Quite frankly, the heat drives me into a depression where I feel suicidal, and I alerady feel suicidal on a normal basis.
You always seem suicidal Zombie. I admit when you don't post often enough I get worried about you.
I don't suppose you've considered going with a lighter-weight binder?
I know there is no way you will hear me but I'll say it anyway. If people don't expect breasts on you then they won't see them, even if you do have bumps. Your binder is leaving scars? Dude, you are doing it wrong!
This is a nice one.
http://www.peecockproducts.com/index.php?_a=viewProd&productId=5 (http://www.peecockproducts.com/index.php?_a=viewProd&productId=5)
As is this one.
http://www.peecockproducts.com/index.php?_a=viewProd&productId=16 (http://www.peecockproducts.com/index.php?_a=viewProd&productId=16)
I go swimming in a teeshirt above a binder with swim-trunks and it works out for me. You know the only way people are going to understand how you feel is if you tell them in a nonconfrontational manner.
Okay listen this is your burden to bear. It sucks, yes but everyone has something that is weighing them down. The point is to confront it and than rise above it.
I work in a place where I CAN'T say anything about this at all. For 12hrs a day. I don't even say anything to people I meet outside of work cause I can't stand to think about it, really. But work is an absolute no-no.
I wear two tri tops at a time, cause they're the only ones I've found to get me as flat as I'll accept. I'm very anal about how my chest looks. My boss has commented on my lack of an adam's apple and "feminine features". People pick on eachother all the time there, that's just how it is. I'm not sure if he was kidding or not, but I can't risk giving them yet another thing to pick on me about. If they found out, I couldn't work there anymore.
Uhh you ain't kiddin'! And I don't even own or wear a binder and I'm dying outside in this Sahara desert heat just in a t-shirt and shorts. The a/c in my car doesn't put anything out and the really sad part is it's hotter with the windows down than with them up! I just had to go get my fruits & veggies for the next few days and got bitched out because I didn't bring home Klondike bars for my grandmother who's diabetic and doesn't need them anyway. And she thinks I'm just selfish for not buying her something - never mind that it would be pure liquid in the 10-15 minutes it takes me to get home in 100 degree heat in a hot black car with no a/c. >:( God I hate summer!!! We have a pool here in the complex for the residents, but it's in full sun with no shade so I can't see going out there and roasting in warm water with the sun beating down on my head. I wish they'd allow it to be open after dark but they lock it up at 8pm so there's no chance to swim when it's not a million degrees out. :icon_flamed:
I hate the heat as well, but I can't even imagine how hard it must be for you, ZAP.
I realize that you can't talk to anyone at work, but do you have anyone else in your life offline to share these feelings with? Like Paul/Squirrel, I get worried when you don't post for a while.
Would it be possible to look for another job? I know that you feel validated working at a job with all men, but if it causes you such stress, it might be time to move on. With this economy, I realize that will be difficult but having several months of experience with this job could help you in another. Is there a desk position (at your current job) that you could take during the hotter months?
Do a google search for Ice Gear, it's what I wear in guy mode (very rarely BTW )
I totally get you dude....I was so hopefully I wasn't going to spend another summer binding but doesn't seem to be in the works for me.
I found wearing a cool wet bandana or something like that on my head works. A couple times I have worn a ball camp with an ice pack under it. Drink lots of water - wouldn't be good for you to pass out from dehydration.
This is why I'm dreading my brother's wedding. Few days after my birthday, which is in August. I've been asked to be usher, which means a tux job. So I'm faced with binder, dress shirt, waistcoat, suit jacket - in mid-August. Unless I'm incredibly lucky and get surgery booked by the beginning of the month, I'm gonna cook XP
Although to take some of the heat off, I have this on the way:
http://www.lesloveboat.com/shop/product_info.php?cPath=77_94&products_id=200 (http://www.lesloveboat.com/shop/product_info.php?cPath=77_94&products_id=200)
Maybe give that a go, ZAP? It's adjustable - but please, be careful how tight you pull it x_x
hey man, I know how you are about binding, and I know that you get very dysphoric about it, and there is no chance of you binding less, and thats ok, you do what you have to do to be ok with it, just take that ->-bleeped-<- off when you get home though, seriously, go somewhere private and just chill, let your skin breathe and just zone it all out. you are binding to the point of scarring, thats not good, at least give your body a break when you are home.
I know you are angry about all of this, I am too, but for now, you have to deal with it and continue on knowing that this will NOT be forever. It is temporary, use that to help you go on, live for tomorrow if not for today.
I think I already mentioned this to you, my friend has a tattoo, it says "life places the heaviest burden on those who can bear its weight" so use your disadvantages to remind yourself that you are stronger, you are a stronger man then most, you and all of us have dealt with more, and we will come out appreciating it all more, because we had to work for it.
There will come a day when you can go outside in the heat, pull off your shirt and walk in confidence, but now is not that day. just remind yourself that, that day will come, and it will be glorious, and you will look back at all this ->-bleeped-<- now and be so glad you made it though and suffered though all of it. We will get there, I know you can make it, start saving, we have talked about money before, i know you can manage it. use your anger and frustration to start something, turn it into determination.
Couldn't agree more. My mum always gets on my case about having a pool and not using it, or just tells me not to wear the binder if it's uncomfortable/so hot. It's either I wear the binder or somebody notices the breasts and I come home to slit my wrists and drown in a bathtub of my own blood. Ever since I got a these damn chest tumors, I dread the summer time. I think some people find it easier to cope, but another portion of us will do anything to make sure even those who know we've got a chest, do not see them.
Honestly I wanted to move to Alaska or something just to get away from all the heat...and I'm from Canada so it's not like its hot ALL the time!
Do you wear anything under your binders? Maybe it will stop the material from rubbing into the skin? Although that might just make it even hotter, which sucks. I mean it's hard to have a solution for this problem, our only real solution is top surgery. Life is ->-bleeped-<- right? At least we got a bunch of people hear to deal with the ->-bleeped-<- with us... I don't know if that makes it better, or worse to know more people have to feel this way. Hmm this depressing topic is really contagious. I thankfully have a reason to avoid being out all summer with hopefully a hysterectomy coming up and pain so I sit around all day without a binder, which I don't even like doing despite that it's only me. I think I spend at least two hours every day walking in front of the mirror, pulling up my shirt, and holding down my chest until it looks flat. It's rather depressing when I think about how I spend my time...
Anyways good luck dealing with the summer, and I really hope you don't follow through on any disturbing thoughts of suicide. I mean one day you'll have those horrible lumps removed like the cancer they are. :)
I know how you are about your chest, and binding, and no one is going to change how you go about it. Because that's just you and how you are, and I understand that.
I agree with maybe trying to swtich jobs, but I think that's just how some men are. They degrade others to make themselves feel better.
So here's my advice, try really really hard to take all this negative energy and turn it into positive. Look back and reflect, on how far you've come on this journey. You're on T, a lot of guys aren't even close to getting T. It has helped you in many ways, I remember I think we even notcied changes within the first month for you. Pay attention to how much you've changed physically, how much more masculine you sound and look. The muscle or hair you've gained. All you have accolplished that you have dreamed of.
A lot of the times we worry about things that no one else notices. Why? Because we are our own worst critics. Worrying gets us no where, so we have to try and push all those thoughts out the window. Its hard, I know..but you can take this and turn it around.
Keep your head up, man. If you stay strong and pull through this than you can take on anything.
"alot of the time we worry about things that no one else notices"
This is probably true, yet I still drive myself mad over it.
No, I don't wear anything under my binders. It makes it hotter and shifts things around more.
No, there's no way I can change jobs right now. Its a steel factory...there are no desk jobs. Basically if I get a job where I'm standing still infront of a fan, I'm damn lucky. If I don't well, I have to deal. Its the highest paying job I can find right now with the most hours, and I seriously have to stop hoarding money and just start living like an almost hobo in order to throw money in my savings for surgery.
I don't have anyone in person to talk to stuff about, except one guy who lives an hour away. My roommate knows about me, he's known me for a couple years and we're really close. But I still hate being around him without binders on, and I have a secret deep hatred for him when I see him walk around shirtless, but I'm not gonna tell him that. I know that all my thoughts of suicide are related to dysphoria. All of them. Right now I still have alot of chafing and crap on the head of my dick, been putting a&d ointment on it to help it, people use it for diaper rash too. So its like pain...sweating...pain. And for some reason, I'm still kicking. Some days I wonder how, or why.
Oh and thanks for the link to Ice Gear....it doesn't look like its made of strong enough material to do anything for me though.
Quote from: zombiesarepeaceful on June 01, 2011, 04:30:53 AM
I know that all my thoughts of suicide are related to dysphoria. All of them. ... And for some reason, I'm still kicking. Some days I wonder how, or why.
Yes that and borderline personality disorder just right out of the gate. http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmedhealth/PMH0001931/ (http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmedhealth/PMH0001931/) You most likely have more than that. Plus a shocking attitude of ungratefulness that could rock the ages.
It seems that soothing you is having no effect so try this on for size. You, Zombie, are unbelievably lucky. Insanely lucky beyond words. You are so so lucky to be born into a country that even allows you the chance to wear binders. One that gives you a way to express the gender you have inside through hormone treatments and appearance.
Iran President Ahmadinejad's "In Iran we don't have homosexuals like in your country" without a doubt applies to transgender people as well. Yet they still exist in Iran despite the President's grand disillusions. Only it is so much harder for them. Families there do more than just object, they outright kill their child rather than risk shame. While the government looks the other way.
So your answer to is that you would kill yourself if you couldn't wear binders. Fantastic. You would throw away the most precious gift of all, which is life. So many guys your age, my age, are dying of cancer, of AIDS, are killed in accidents. You have your health. You are alive. Stop taking that for granted.
Not only that you have a very high chance of becoming exactly who you want to be. Yes it will take time but time that is worth it! If you keep at it eventually everything will happen for you.
Stop being such a winy little bitch and start appreciating all the wonderful things you have. All the opportunity is within your reach. Be glad for it. Look at this as an adventure, a journey, instead of another day in hell. You are not in hell. Not even close.
To that, I quote what I always do in response to things like "but people have it worse"
"I think that if I ever have kids, and they are upset, I won't tell them that people are starving in China or anything like that because it wouldn't change the fact that they were upset. And even if somebody else has it much worse, that doesn't really change the fact that you have what you have." — Stephen Chbosky (The Perks of Being a Wallflower)
Also, I don't consider life the most wonderful gift of all. Granted you see me as a bitter ->-bleeped-<-, as do most people I meet. that's fine. But I have my reasons, and you have your reasons for being you. Just cause some kid in iran has it worse, doesn't change anything or make me feel like I should be more grateful.
I'm not BPD. I do have diagnosises, but they're not borderline personality disorder. I think BPD is a bunch of vague symptoms that could happen to a perfectly healthy invididual under stress, or anyone....and is a load of crap.
Quote from: Squirrel698 on June 01, 2011, 08:23:57 AM
Iran President Ahmadinejad's "In Iran we don't have homosexuals like in your country" without a doubt applies to transgender people as well. Yet they still exist in Iran despite the President's grand disillusions. Only it is so much harder for them. Families there do more than just object, they outright kill their child rather than risk shame. While the government looks the other way.
I just want to mention that Iran is pretty decent to transsexuals compared to how they are towards homosexuals, IIRC the government there pays for HRT and SRS. I have only heard of this in the context of MTF transsexuals, though, and I am not sure how FTMs are treated.
It seems kind of strange but I guess different cultures tend to see things in different ways.
As for the original topic, OP, I understand that it's no fun, but I think you need to do more to accomodate your situation instead of just accepting it as your only option. It makes much more sense to say, move somewhere colder and start over instead of killing yourself. Or maybe it's time to look for a more suitable job. The basic idea is that nothing will change if you don't make it happen, and it's easier to feel sorry for yourself and be the victim than to actually work to improve your situation.
I'm doing all I can to improve my situation. I'm working as much as possible to save up money. I can't move somewhere colder, cause I don't have the money or means to be moving and start over. I've tried that before. It costs money to move, and I need to save up all money. There's not much for job opportunities here, I'm lucky I have the one I have.
I don't see myself entirely as a victim. I've fought like hell to have what I do. I think that some of us are dealt things in life that will leave us angry and bitter, and instead of fighting the anger and bitterness as I always did for all my life, I'm at a point where I'm just letting those feelings be.
Nowhere here did I say I was GOING to kill myself in any immediate time frame...I simply said that it crosses my mind frequently, as it probably does for alot of us.
As for wearing something under your binder .... I thought it would make things hotter for me as well ... but in actuality it made things cooler for me. I wear underarmour compression shirts under my binder - totally cut down on the chaffing & readness. I get the ones for baseball players so they are sleeveless. They are designed to help keep you cooler -- they wick away some of the sweat. Just a thought.
I wasn't negating your experience. Only urging you to see it from another point of view.
I care about how this turns out for you. We both started T around the same time so I feel that connection.
I have no idea if BPD is a load of crap or not. However I do know that it is not normal or healthy to have constant thoughts of suicide. Even for those who are struggling with their gender identity.
I'm glad you still have fight in you. Just take care of yourself, all right?
Quote from: zombiesarepeaceful on June 01, 2011, 08:30:39 AM
To that, I quote what I always do in response to things like "but people have it worse"
"I think that if I ever have kids, and they are upset, I won't tell them that people are starving in China or anything like that because it wouldn't change the fact that they were upset. And even if somebody else has it much worse, that doesn't really change the fact that you have what you have." — Stephen Chbosky (The Perks of Being a Wallflower)
Also, I don't consider life the most wonderful gift of all. Granted you see me as a bitter ->-bleeped-<-, as do most people I meet. that's fine. But I have my reasons, and you have your reasons for being you. Just cause some kid in iran has it worse, doesn't change anything or make me feel like I should be more grateful.
I'm not BPD. I do have diagnosises, but they're not borderline personality disorder. I think BPD is a bunch of vague symptoms that could happen to a perfectly healthy invididual under stress, or anyone....and is a load of crap.
Couldn't agree with what you said more! Personally hearing things like somebody has it worse makes me FEEL worse, like my pain has no significance in this world. That's honestly just an easy way out of helping people, making people feel like your doing something to help them when really your just changing the subject. - Not meaning to offend the person who said this to you. I just mean to say...well what you said! Love the part on BPD as well.
Quote from: JayValentine on June 01, 2011, 02:07:58 PM
Couldn't agree with what you said more! Personally hearing things like somebody has it worse makes me FEEL worse, like my pain has no significance in this world. That's honestly just an easy way out of helping people, making people feel like your doing something to help them when really your just changing the subject. - Not meaning to offend the person who said this to you. I just mean to say...well what you said! Love the part on BPD as well.
This. I've always hated when my parents used to say stuff like that to me.
Changing your perspective on some things can really be an eye opener. If you want to be bullheaded and wallow in your own thoughts and problems and never stop to think a different way or look at things from a different perspective then you're going to have a tough time of things and a tough time growing and learning in life. It's not just about, "kids are starving in China" or any other line like that. It's about your inability to see past your own problems to the larger world and find deeper meaning in things and life in general.
^^
Wow, thank you, exactly.
I'm not taking the easy way out in helping him? The easy way out would be not helping him at all. You haven't been here that long, Jay, but Zombie's been this way for well over a year. Repeatedly I've tried to cheer him up and get through to him. None of that has had effect so I thought I would take a more confrontational approach. If he works with other guys he's perfectly use to that.
Everyone's pain has major significance. Never would I say otherwise. However none of us exist in a bubble unless they stubbornly refuse to see past the end of their nose.
"I am he as you are he as you are me and we are all together."
goo goo g'joob
whenever i get pissed about something that i have to do/suffer through because im trans, i remind myself that what im doing is MY CHOICE.
i dont want a reply with a bullcrap explanation of how you *have* to wear all those binders, that your life would fall apart *if people knew*. im just reminding you that when you get up in the morning, someone doesn't point a gun at your head and say "put these on"
if it comes to the point where binding so excessively causes you so much anger and physical pain, then you are making a poor CHOICE to do it. im not telling you to stop binding, because thats stupid, and trust me i know every type of response you could have to this post so stop with the excuses anymore. just ask yourself, "is what im doing worth all the pain, suffering, and anger it causes me?" if you say no, then stop. no one's putting all those layers on for you. if your answer is yes, then why are you complaining so much?
Suffering is relative. What is painful for one person may mean nothing to another.
My manager at work used to tell me not to get upset when people used the wrong pronouns. I asked her how she would feel if someone kept calling her wrong pronouns. Her answer was she wouldn't care or would find it funny. Really? She should try it sometime. Especially in front of new employees and clients. Then we'll see how degrading and embarrassing it is for her. I told her all of this too.
She doesn't understand it and probably never will. However, over time I think she's starting to see and acknowledge how painful & embarrassing it is for me. Plus, I'm far enough in transition it makes her and other employees look like idiots. Sadly, that's probably their main reason for trying to use correct pronouns. But, I won't give up and cave into their laziness. I'm adamant about people using male pronouns and will keep reminding people.
I know my best, true solution is getting a new job where I can be stealth. I've been working very hard on finding a new job for a long time. I also know in this economy it will take a long time. So, I keep on looking and do my best to put up with the environment at work (which is hell).
It's no lie that some people have it better than others. Some people have more options & resources than others. There are some of us in situations we have no control over and can do little about at the moment. The best we can all do is work with what we've got and plan and focus on what we need. It can take a long time but never give up on your goals.
You saving up for top surgery is a huge step. As for your job, try different things to keep you cooler and, if you want to, job search when you can. Job searching is very time consuming and can be difficult when you're already working- this I know. However, remember that job helps you save money for your goals and without it saving up would be impossible. Use them for the money like they use you.
Life is hard. It was never guaranteed to be fun. In fact, most of the time life overall isn't fun. Despite that we all need to work toward goals and work for a better, happier life. It's hard and takes time, but it will be worth it. I have faith it will.
The pronoun thing is passing privilege (cis people can have/lack passing privilege too). Cis and intersex people who don't have passing privilege - who can't automatically be assured that someone looking at them will read their gender correctly even if another person is using wrong pronouns - get royally pissed off at being misgendered, just as much as trans people do. (Seriously. Go try deliberately misgendering a woman-identified butch lesbian in public sometime. I dare you.)
But people with passing privilege don't understand that. If they get wrong pronouns, it's just funny. They know they're men/women, anyone looking at them can tell they're men/women, so who cares if some idiot is making themselves look stupid by using the wrong pronouns?
Some passing cis women are beginning to experience the invisibility of not passing, to a limited degree, in the last few decades on the Internet. They'd like to be recognized and treated as female, they're irritated at the automatic assumption that they're male based on something superficial like their gaming hobby or whatever, they get pissed off when they try to signal their femaleness (via female avatars, feminine usernames, etc) and get ignored or accused of being male perverts. If the person you're talking to has had any of these experiences, it's not hard to bring them to understand that that's how social interaction feels to you all the time in real life.
This is my first official FTM summer and I know how you feel...I used to wear spandex shorts and razor back tank tops to show off my muscles ( I was a female bodybuilder in my previous existence:) ) but now I am in jeans and a loose shirt or sometimes a compressor tank - though thankfully there is little to compress.
Still...it sucks!
The people where I work have a saying they love so much they put it on the crew shirts:
Pain is mandatory, suffering is optional.
OK, your job has aspects to it that suck. Pretty much true with all jobs. That's why they have to pay you to show up.
But, you don't get paid any more for having a more miserable time than anyone else there, so try not to dwell on it. Your getting closer and lots of people are standing still, that's something at least.
Nevermind, I didn't start this thread to have it thrown in my face that I shouldn't allow myself to feel this way in spite of fighting it my whole life, only now to succumb to it, for this moment.
since that's all I got, can I have this deleted, mods. please. thanks.
You can delete a topic yourself Zombie, it's at the bottom of the page "Remove Topic" Beside Lock Topic, over quick reply. Can't miss it. I'm sorry your post turned into this, not very considerate of others. Rather than just moving on when you feel that those words cannot help you, they push and push until you feel worse than when you started the topic because then you start feeling selfish, or like you inflict your own pain, and so on. Don't let this stop you from posting again though.
Kyril, that is so true. A cis person will never fully understand, but when they tell me it's no big deal when my gender is mistaken or not acknowledged they can go screw themselves. It's like a white person telling a black person to not get offended if they're called the "n" word just because it didn't bother or affect the white person.
Quote from: zombiesarepeaceful on June 03, 2011, 06:02:37 AM
Nevermind, I didn't start this thread to have it thrown in my face that I shouldn't allow myself to feel this way in spite of fighting it my whole life, only now to succumb to it, for this moment.
since that's all I got, can I have this deleted, mods. please. thanks.
Yeah you could look at it that way or you could look at it as suggestions. Since you are determined see the worst in everything I suppose I'm not surprised you only see prosecution.
The reality is that people are trying to help you. This is a support board. Giving ideas on how to mentally improve yourself is part of support. If you want people to agree that being constantly suicidal is the best way to be, find folks who just don't care.
Quote from: Squirrel698 on June 03, 2011, 11:39:13 AM
Yeah you could look at it that way or you could look at it as suggestions. Since you are determined see the worst in everything I suppose I'm not surprised you only see prosecution.
The reality is that people are trying to help you. This is a support board. Giving ideas on how to mentally improve yourself is part of support. If you want people to agree that being constantly suicidal is the best way to be, find folks who just don't care.
Because this comment was so helpful and supportive:
Quote from: Squirrel698 on June 01, 2011, 08:23:57 AM
Stop being such a winy little bitch and start appreciating all the wonderful things you have. All the opportunity is within your reach. Be glad for it. Look at this as an adventure, a journey, instead of another day in hell. You are not in hell. Not even close.
Yeah it was actually. Once again I wouldn't have bothered if I didn't want to help.
Live for five minutes in a male role among men. You would see challenges such as that are exchanged to wake the other guy up to reality and get him out of a funk. In Zombie's job I'm sure he's more than use to that.
Quote from: Squirrel698 on June 03, 2011, 12:14:53 PM
Yeah it was actually. Once again I wouldn't have bothered if I didn't want to help.
Live for five minutes in a male role among men. You would see challenges such as that are exchanged to wake the other guy up to reality and get him out of a funk. In Zombie's job I'm sure he's more than use to that.
Normally I'd let this bs go, but not today. I do live in a male role among other men, as does ZAP. As do a lot of members here even without medically transitioning. But living as a male doesn't mean acting like a complete ->-bleeped-<-. I realize you were trying to help, but obviously it didn't:
Quote from: zombiesarepeaceful on June 03, 2011, 06:02:37 AM
Nevermind, I didn't start this thread to have it thrown in my face that I shouldn't allow myself to feel this way in spite of fighting it my whole life, only now to succumb to it, for this moment.
since that's all I got, can I have this deleted, mods. please. thanks.
I'm sure it's very important for you, Paul, to assert your masculinity but there is a time and a place to do so. Being sensitive, compassionate, and empathetic are qualities much overlooked by men. Note that I don't say "sympathy." Pity and sympathy rarely have a place in any conversation. Sometimes tough love is the best, but other times a more caring approach is necessary. And that's all I'll say on this topic.
Blah, I wasn't asserting it, just being it. It was not my intent to be an ->-bleeped-<-.
You are right and it didn't help. Personally I think that patting Zombie and telling him it's fine to feel that way doesn't do him any favours either. Sometimes it's good to be woken up instead of lulled into complacency especially when suicide is talked about so casually. It should never be on the table as a possible option especially when the situation is so temporary.
Whatever people who know me on this site know I'm a really nice guy. I was just trying to get him to look at his current state differently. However he is determined to be set in his ways.
I used to be suicidal and obsess about how I'd kill myself. But once I understood that I have the option to transition, all of that went away and I've been a lot happier working toward that ultimate goal of living my own life as a man. It sure has sucked big time for me having to live under the label and expectations of a female that I never could live up to. But I finally know the way out of misery, and that's what I work for every day.
From all the replies to Zombie in this thread, the way you all talk about him makes him sound like my boyfriend (yeah that's still going on). He's completely incorrigible and I've never met someone who wallows so deeply in their own misery. Seeing his level of wallow is part of what forced me out of my own wallowing. (And the rest of him forced me into realizing I am so not meant to play the role of the woman. :laugh: )
I also know Zombie's been through alot, and we all have times where we get depressed and frustrated- even in transition. I still emphasis to define and go after his goals. There will be setbacks- many setbacks- but keep on moving towards your goal.
I assume Zombie's big current goal is top surgery. Keep working towards that goal man and making money. I know factories can be hot- I've been in them before. Maybe try people's suggested methods for keeping cool. Also, can you completely wet your shirt to keep you cool. It's worked for me and I'm sure the other guys wouldn't think anything of it. Hell, it might give them the idea too. :) As long as you're not wearing a dark binder and light shirt you should be O.K.
As for your chaffing junk I recommend Aquaphor Healing Ointment (Wal-Mart has a generic brand alot cheaper). I use it on my scars and haven't tried it on my junk but it would be completely safe. I believe someone recommended Butt Butter and my father swears on it (he's a cyclist).
My brother-in-law worked in a steel factory and because of an unknown illness the heat became too much for him and he went into renal failure. He had to quit that job but went into the welding field and has no problem in the environments and makes way more money. Sometimes it seems like our options are limited- and sometimes they are. Keep doing research to find out the options available to you (like a different job). You'd be surprised how you learn about more options for you. Research when you have time. Research is the key to everything.
Seriously guys? You're still going? Can we just end this? It's not going anywhere.