I went through a werid experience today with my dad.  I only told my dad once that I was having gender identity issues and that I felt that I was feminine.  That was back in 2005.  It might have been a weird experience.

Today for the first time he felt that he would bring it up.  I was on the phone with a distant relative who is a little older than my dad and the relative was like be a good boy.  I paused when he said it.  I think that I managed to chuckle.  Althought I didn't know how to respond.

When we hung up I turned to my dad and I was like your friend is on your side.  He is rooting for you.  I told him that he told me to be a good boy.  His reaction was relaxed he didn't say anything and then I was walking to the other room and then he was like why did you find you it weird, you are not a boy?!

I was taken aback by his comment because I wasn't ready to accept this conversation with him.  He never talked about it. Why is he bringing it up now. So it seems that I started to get defensive (Just an update I haven't had any sort of transitioning yet) and I was like why are you talking about the boy thing.  He said that I be a good boy. So why not pick up on the good part, why did you decide to comment on the boy part?

This all happened while my mom was listening from the other room.  My mom told me before that she doesn't want to discuss with me the female issue.  So in the back of my mind I am wondering what my mom is thinking as she was listening to the conversation.

After a little probing, my dad was like anyways I don't understand this expression.  He told me that this relative also uses this expression on him and he be a good boy.  I told him that all I understood that he was teasing me by saying that I would behave (I have no idea why he would bring this subject up he usually doesn't).

Anyways I am not sure what my dad was trying to tell me.  Usually my dad doesn't bring up these issues but I wonder why he brought it up today?

Sounds like this has caused awkwardness all around. Dad's concerned but too uncomfortable (or too afraid of the truth) to be up front.

Probably doesn't help playing mind game with yourself trying to figure out what he's on about. You're exhausting yourself thinking about this, while he's probably moved on. If he won't make the effort to be open, it's certainly not worth letting it rattle around your head.

As for your mom, she may not want to discuss your gender identity, but that doesn't mean you have to shut up about it. You have a right to express yourself.

Please accept a hug.

from reading what you wrote, I think you are over thinking the conversation.

Your dad said, "so, you're not a good boy?"

I mean, I wasn't there to witness the conversation, but it sounds like to me he was emphasizing more that you are someone who doesn't get into trouble. I didn't really see an outward gender reference.

Yeah, he was totally just messing around.  Classic joke, the unexpected twist...  As a matter of fact, I think I've heard riffs pretty close to this from friends to me, and even other dudes.  He probably didnt even remember the conversation from before when he said it.  It sounds a lot like common dude joshing to me.  It just means he is comfortable with you as a person, even if you a guy in his eyes.

I guess he was messing around but I am not sure why he is willing to take the relationship into that direction.  He pretty much repeated it 5 times, insisting if I was a boy?

It is difficult for me to hear it as it was quite insensitive on his part.  I guess it might have been a joke and I am pretty sure he remembers the conversation as my mom told me that they had discussed it.  Stating it that was isn't very comforting for me.

Is it an invitation for me to define myself?

You sound like a very sweet person.  All I can say is that what you tell him should not regard how it will make him feel (hurt, disappointed) or what he wants, only how you feel.  Dont approach him about it only because you think he is wanting to talk about it, but when you are ready.  Honestly it might be awkward and maybe even disappointing, but it will not always be that way.  I say if you want to discuss it with him, by all means you should, but do not get hung up on how your father feels.  The same applies to your mother.  I wish I'd let myself open up more to my parents before I let their utter disgust close the door on our relationship.  I kinda think that maybe they do too...

Hi Ashrock,

Thanks for your message.

While I was writing the last sentence in my post I was also thinking that if it isn't about defining myself more with my dad, maybe it is an opportunity for me to understand myself better.

Until now there are conversations with my dad that we had maybe 7 years ago that I don't understand.  I am not sure where he is coming from when we are discussing these issues.  It is very vague and not very understandable to me.

if the conversation happened seven years ago then i dont think his "are u a good boy" was an underhanded quip against your gender.

But since it is bothering you this much talk to him about it. We cannot tell you what your father was thinking..only your father can tell you that

I would take it as an opening to discuss something that he may not know how to address.
Has it been on his mind for 7 yrs? Maybe. Maybe not. Your parents discussed it at one time?
Maybe it is important for him to know or understand.
If you're not ready to discuss it, it's maybe better to let it go until you are ready.
It could be just a signal that he is ready to talk about it when you are.

Ativan

I agree, but I wouldnt only talk to him if he is ready either.  Again, dont focus on what you think your parents are thinking.  You do it when the time is right for you, and if they dont want to listen, well tell them anyway.  Trust me, if they really care about you they wont want to lose a relationship with their child over such a minor detail as you dont feel like a man.  I never really gave mine a chance to really know me, I doubt that is what you want.

Thanks everyone.

I think that I'll take this as an opportunity to reflect more on my identity.  It would be better next time if my dad , or anyone else, brings up the subject that I be ready to handle it.  I don't want to stand there perplexed if someone brings up the subject.