I am wondering what your breaking point was it terms of transitioning? 

For me, I had read one to many personal stories and watched one to many YouTube transition videos.  I do not mean to say that in a bad way either.  Like most I have had these feelings inside me for as long as I can remember and in some cases I am unlocking old memories every once in a while.  But, that moment of self acceptance was when I read the Tom Gabel/Laura Grace article in Rolling Stone.  Specifically the line:

Gabel remembered her, too. "When I saw her at that show, I was like, '<not allowed>, yeah,'" he says. "I just found it so awesome and empowering. In a way, it showed me what a coward I was being. Because if she had the courage to come out as trans – then why the <not allowed> didn't I?"

That was it, game over, no more denial.  From there I had a bit of a spiral downward wondering to myself "what the hell do I do now".  I kept saying that to myself over and over and over...yadda, yadda, yadda...and over.  Then I found this place and now I am seeing a therapist.

So, this is just the beginning.  I will have other breaking points along the way.  The day I can no longer put off the desire to start HRT.  The day I can no longer suppress the longing to dress as I feel.  The day I can no longer resist the urge to paint up my face to look pretty.  The day I can no longer deny the want walk around in horizontally sloped shoes (being silly with this one).  The day I can no longer hide my need to express the feelings and emotions deep inside my chest.  The day I can no longer go another day without satisfying my yearning for SRS.

If you care to share your breaking points I would be greatly interested in reading your experiences.  Just like with my first breaking point I will not know when I hit another one until about :05 seconds after it happens.   

My breaking point? The straw that broke the camel's back? Nail polish.

Twenty years ago I "cross-dressed" because I felt more comfortable in female attire. My wife was not bothered and I did not like thinking of myself as a TV or CD. I dressed for comfort and for 'rightness' whatever that was. I went to a TV/CD group and I was horrified. Whatever these people were doing it was not for me. I tried a different group and it was the same. One more attempt elsewhere (different town) was no better.

Then we had kids and I chucked everything out. The lot. I was not having the children find it but I still struggled with my identity. Then 2 years ago for some reason I cannot articulate I had an overwhelming desire to change my appearance. I could not sleep at night. I wanted my beard gone, my hair longer, my body smooth. The push to be more feminine was coming from somewhere deep inside, but I could not rationalise it or express it or deal with it. It began to occupy me all day and all night. I could think of nothing else.

So I compromised. In order to ease the pressure I decided to paint my toenails because who sees your toes? So I did them frosted pink and I was lost. I did not get relief. Instead the dam broke and all the repressed angst and emotion came flooding out. Things were worse then ever, the desires to change stronger then ever. I broke down in tears. I spoke to my wife about it and worried the hell out of her so I went to the doctor as I had an appointment anyway for something else. In the doctors office I got my tests done and then I sat there wondering what to say or how to even to begin. I could not stand. I could not speak. Tears started rolling down my cheeks and eventually I started sobbing my heart out.

Then I spoke the fateful words - I told him about my problems and the repressed emotions. It all came tumbling out. He asked me was it all about clothes to which I replied that it was all about me. Womens' clothes were not the point. It was me I needed to change, not my clothing. That was the day I began my journey in earnest. He referred me to a psychologist where I had another breakdown in another office. They then referred me to a gender clinic.

Painting your toenails should carry a health warning.

I basically realised I wanted to be fem when I was in my teens. Unfortunately was nowhere near confident to even tell anyone let alone do anything about it (also some really negative stuff happened right at the start of highschool). From there I pretty much hid for 16 years until I finally wanted to end it all. For some reason I decided to confide in 2 of my friends about what was going on and they were rather supportive. I didn't tell them what I had planned to do, but the realisation that there are people out there who could accept me, even if I had to look harder to find them, made me decide to try do something. I cried alot after that. Lots of emotion that had been bottled up for ages.

I still cry, but now its during sad parts in movies / series that I watch. I also hope to be confident enough to just do what I want as I move forward.

Quote from: sara murphy on September 19, 2012, 02:22:54 PM
For me, I had read one to many personal stories and watched one to many YouTube transition videos.  I do not mean to say that in a bad way either.  Like most I have had these feelings inside me for as long as I can remember and in some cases I am unlocking old memories every once in a while.  But, that moment of self acceptance was when I read the Tom Gabel/Laura Grace article in Rolling Stone.  Specifically the line:

Gabel remembered her, too. "When I saw her at that show, I was like, '<not allowed>, yeah,'" he says. "I just found it so awesome and empowering. In a way, it showed me what a coward I was being. Because if she had the courage to come out as trans – then why the <not allowed> didn't I?"

That was it, game over, no more denial.  From there I had a bit of a spiral downward wondering to myself "what the hell do I do now".  I kept saying that to myself over and over and over...yadda, yadda, yadda...and over.  Then I found this place and now I am seeing a therapist.

...Oh, you don't know how exciting it is to see someone else with such a similar 'breaking point!'  I feel like there were actually two, but arguably it was just over a long period of time.  The first part being when I first saw before/after images a couple years ago- it was the first exposure to transsexual women outside of porn, or something incredibly dated.  It's funny, too...I can still sense the earth-crumbling feeling when it happened, that this could be an attainable reality.

The second moment, the one that really pushed me over the edge?  Laura Jane Grace.  My roommate and I had finally gotten really big into Against Me!, and even trans issues aside, I had never felt closer to a person's lyrical character as I did to Tom Gabel.  Her coming out as Laura finally tipped me over...just try listening to Searching For a Former Clarity while repressing your true self, and see if you don't start sobbing uncontrollably.

I always felt a little awkward explaining her coming out as part of my breaking point, but my sister put it into good perspective, that this was probably part of the plan: to be a role model, and to be the encouraging voice for others to come out.  Not to mention the litmus test of a discussion that article created with my friends (who passed amazingly!).

Ugh,  sorry for the long reply.  I swear, one day I'll be concise 

ok this is going to HAVE to be a semi longish post..

The past two years have been a huge change in my life with everything from work, to home life and also personal identity.  I had always gone through the motions of being male, I come from a Hispanic home and there is very much the expectation of being "Macho" ect.  So since I was three or four and knew who I was inside I HAD to hide and mold my outer self to conform to the norm.   I have lived all around the Midwest and been very successful in my in my career as a photographer and studio manager.  I got married at 26 and was set to live out my life in the hollow shell that I had made for myself.  Well it seems that when things go to hell they REALLY go to hell.  Suddenly the corporation that owned my studio decided to re-brand and re-concept the business and closed all their locations, mine included.  My marriage was beyond over with a wife who stepped out on me with more people than years we were married.  And I had very few friends to turn to as I had always kept people at a distance for a straight up fear that I'd have to reveal how I felt inside, and admit to who I truly am.

So my wife and I decided to seek therapy, both together and individually though we had already agreed to begin the separation process. And so lead to breaking point #1 where I broke down in session and began to admit that I just felt that I couldn't continue on as "this person." Still not being able to fully come to terms and deal with my true identity, that was when the therapist suggested I seek additional help as I think she knew I was outside the realm of what she was used to dealing with.  Next joint session we spoke about how each other needed to be "loved" and more on the lines of how... deep inside I knew how I needed and yearned to be loved, but yet still couldn't come out and say.. "love me as you would love a woman" which is what was screaming inside.  And so lead to break point #2 on the car ride home my wife became accusatory about how I presented myself and how I just wasn't "a man" (now que latin temper on my end) and that I wasn't any kind of "man" that she knew.  I went semi-balistic, how could this person who had broken every marriage vow we made have the nerve to attack my gender as she had been anything but a wife to me.  I knew as a man I did everything in my power to be the best man I could, provide for my wife while she finished school and then again while she finished massage therapy school.  I'd leave early from work to surprise her, set time aside .... blah.. you get the point.  So I yelled because I was mad at the fact that she was indeed right. I was never supposed to be a man, I had just been playing the role because that's what I was taught.  I felt horrible about the blow out and bought some flowers to bring home.. kind of for the both of us..



So I watched the flowers bloom and die, remembering that conversation and knowing that I couldn't remain in hiding for the rest of my life.  I had been looking at everything wrong; throughout my life I made excuses on why I couldn't transition, from family to work to relationships to friends.  And what had it gotten me? A lonely self imposed exile and and a very hollow life where nothing mattered because I couldn't even be happy as myself.  Then I realized even though everything in my life felt like a loss, it really was a chance for a new beginning and when would I ever get this opportunity again to start fresh with EVERYTHING! So final breaking point came the day I tossed out the flowers , I knew it was time and for once instead of giving myself away to everyone and everything else it was time for me.  I set my therapy session that day and began the first steps down the long road of transition.

I understand what you mean by your breaking points, but for me they've always been emotional decisions, or hurdles that are driven by how I, or others, have reacted to circumstance.  I never try to look beyond those decisions since there is no control over what any other family member, relative or friend in my life will do as a result of what I'm deciding.

The last two hurdles were both related to HRT.  The first was a very difficult, and maybe unwise decision to go ahead with ordering HRT to self medicate , then secondly to actually take those medications and accept the consequence .  I only did this after I realized that the deep and compelling drive to take estrogen couldn't be controlled, and it was ultimately leading to estrogen anyway.  The consequences of the decisions at those two hurdles are with me now, and the next hurdle seems to be just around the corner.  But at least now I'm seeing doctors and taking prescribed medications.

And Sara, you seem to have a very positive outlook about the "unknowns" in your future, and you're taking important steps to move on with your life. 

Kathy

The day I slit my wrist.  We, the ex and I, had some people over the night before.  Drinking and playing pool.  We had a major fight and in the morning, I was tired of the fighting.

I went out to the garage, to smoke a cigarette.  I saw the razor blades and decided it was time.  Finishing the smoke, I went into the bathroom and drew a warm shower.  I stripped and stepped in to the warm water.  I took the razor and slit my left wrist.

And a woman screamed "NO!".  I looked out, expecting to see my wife, but I was alone.  So I went to slit the other one and again a woman screamed.

"NO, I want to live!"

I realized that the woman was ME. .  I turned off the water, placed a wash cloth on my wrist.  Getting dressed, I called 911.

When the EMTs arrived and were attending to me, when the ex came out of her room to see what was going on.  The look of hate on her face told me everything.  That was when I knew it was over and that the next step was to transition.

She was pissed because I almost lost my job.  Not that I tried to kill myself.

My breaking point happened first time I truly noticed  my mustache and body hair.    But I didn't understand a darn thing yet.

Really the story is insanely long so I am going to offer an abridged version,

Eventually after teasing myself with research I eventually snapped.  It just came out of me and I wanted to scream I am a woman damnit, I am tired of this life as a fake man.

From there its basically just breaking points after breaking point that move me forward.  When I cant take the situation I am in any longer I tend to propel myself further along the feminine spectrum.

Mine was just before this past Christmas season. The feelings of being the wrong gender were always there. What MADE me do it though. I would go through bouts of depression onset by the stronger than usual thoughts of transitioning. I was just sitting at work one day and I thought "It would just be better to finish this life and move on". The idea that I had thought of suicide just hit me in the face and I knew that thinking about it was more than I needed. I started thinking about my family(2kids and a wife). I thought that it would be better for them to have an alive Transgender mom, than a dead or severely depressed father. I was thinking about if I could make it through this and actually say something to my wife. I am not a believer in a "Higher power".

But you know when you hear something and it literally was needed to be heard at that exact second in your life?

That happened to me twice in one night...Both things were 100% spot on. I knew then that coupled with the idea of suicide  was my breaking point and I had to transition..

I haven't looked back since =D

Hard to say. A lot of gender role disconformity as a kid, but nothing bad, except for being closer to the groups of girls and never fitting with the guys. At 11-12 wishing to be a girl, but ultimately accepting that miracles don't exist (neither god, last thing to go away after Santa Claus). In an age without information on the matter and after years of being brainwashed into "you need to be manly, girly is bad an inferior", in which hormones were unknown and the foklore knowledge is that they only were "gay men with boobs and dick", I did not give it a lot of thought. I had enough to worry with studying. Never mentioned it to anybody, afraid I will be treated even worse.

The "wanting to be a girl" was relegated to a fantasy ("If I had been a girl"). Appearing in the background, being easily forgotten, but still there. One of those things you only think of when you don't have anything else to do. At 16 it went higher again, but I had a lot of problems to deal with and getting close to my first existencial crisis. Never seen as manly, only accepted in a group of girls, to the point of being the confessor of a few delicate things. All of that life went away after a bad year of career, depression, and finding that a lot of people were not as friendly as I thought. I had to restart my life all over again, new friends and everything.

So then we get finally access to the internet in 2003, and things start to speed up. The fantasy, a bit dampened by all the problems was back at full power... Until the day I caught myself with nail polish (yes, me too with the toenails, I was happy to carry it as a secret), removing every hair.. ANd I still wondered why I wanted to wear a skirt, even a kilt would have been more than enough. It just went up in desire of wanting to be more femenine and blaming my assigned gender, still trying to "accept the reality". Internet was also destroying the myth that society engraved in my mind that they were only "gay crossdressers with fake boobs".

It keep getting worse. I was more attracted to the theme, and one day I saw timelines of people transitioning, and it was as if my heart stopped. This is what I wanted all my life and did not now it was possible. They are normal persons, and beautiful. All the stereotypes are just lies. Then the biggest denial stage started, doing a lot of odd things to convince myself I was a normal male. It got even worse. I had never been very manly and wondered what was missing in my life, and the feeling of when I hanged with those girls came back. I tried to get with "bros", but I felt like an alien, far from his planet. The more I wanted it to dissapear, the stronger it came back to bite me.

Final breaking point? Trying to get in a romantic relationship again, fail miserably and one day, realize that keeping a male role in the bed was even worse than in the normal life, to the point of feeling that penetrative sex was completely wrong and unnatural.

So, more denial, more depression, and in the end I had to accept it. More crying about why I did not realize it years ago, if it was not too late, if I did not have possibilities with my horrible face... Although it is not going to be as easy as I was thinking...

For me it came a few years ago after loosing my job, finding another one way out of state, having to leave my wife behind who was having some fairly big health issues. Spending too much time alone, apart from my friends Diversion and Distraction, working in a job that "Barely" barely describes how little my real skills and talents are being used, I found solace in my other two old mentors, Mr Booze and Mr Food.

When my weight started inching uncomfortably close to the 200# territory, a land I swore to myself I never want to be in again after having been as high as 250; all I could think about was how I could never fit into any of my fem clothes back home in NJ!

That spoke volumes to me.

About 15 years ago I got a secure flat, I finaly had my own front door & started getting a few female items of clothing, I knew straight away that I had to transition but the prospect was so daunting I ran away from it.
I got into a relationship & everything was ticking along until I gave up weed, without this to suppress my thoughts it became increasingly hard to carry on as male me, I knew I had to transition.
I saw a few programs about people transitioning whilst my girlfriend was away & in the space of about 2 weeks I went from keeping it hidden to wanting to kill myself rather than keep things the way they were, I ended the relationship, moved out & saw my gp about seeking treatment.
Almost 2 years later & i'm still waiting for HRT to start on the NHS, I've only had one appointment at the gender clinic so far, I don't know how long this wil take but i'll not be defeated

Ive known about my gender issue as far back as I can remember. I remember quite clearly being 4 years old and very upset when I asked my mother if I would get to choose if I was a man or a lady when I grew up. She said no, I was devistated lol. I realized I had to transition when I was 24 but I wasnt in a good place, was always drunk etc. I was refused HRT by the endo cause I refuse to see therapists... Anyway I met a girl, married her, thought I would be able to stay a boy but then she had an affair so I was like "well, bugger this, the only reason I was being a boy was for you and I cant be bothered living my life for anyone else anymore" I started HRT shortly after my 30th birthday (and I still won't see a therapist and have no intention to .

OMG... Where to begin?!

Essentially it was when I lost everything. I had given up my job to produce a TV show which wasn't terribly successful. My partner had left me to go intestate for a new career and I was left all alone. Finally, no real job, no partner, and no happiness.

I too went to YouTube and cried at the stories which although not mine, i could so relate to.
I decided to grow my hair and nails. From there, all those suppressed memories and anxiety actually helped push my forward.
I told myself I would just transition as far as I felt comfortable, you know, as a way of getting my arse into gear....that was two years ago.

Time flies when you're having fun!!

Love Jenn

As I read through all of the stories I can find something to relate to in most of them, but not all.  My heart goes out to those who were thrust into transitioning because of a failed (thank God) suicide attempt.  I have had thoughts of such things, but I have never gotten to that point.  As much as some things suck I have to hold on to the belief that something better is out there and I don't want to miss it...whatever it is. 

Another thing that came to mind as I read these stories is that "breaking point" may not have been the best choice of phrases.  Maybe I should have asked for "tipping points".  That sounds a little more positive.  For the folks who have already shared and those who have not yet has there been any positive tipping points.  I don't know, something like the first time you looked in a mirror and though "I have darn good legs" and it was nothing but skirts are dresses form that point on.

I have to believe that there are good experience and moments that have also led to your overwhelming desire and need to transition.

Personally, if I have to wait and endure only bad experiences and feelings to force me forward I do not think I would want to go through with transition.  Don't get me wrong I can admit that this is the path I want to walk down, but I want some roses lining the road not just poison ivy.

Quote from: Dee on September 19, 2012, 11:21:16 PM
...Oh, you don't know how exciting it is to see someone else with such a similar 'breaking point!'  I feel like there were actually two, but arguably it was just over a long period of time.  The first part being when I first saw before/after images a couple years ago- it was the first exposure to transsexual women outside of porn, or something incredibly dated.  It's funny, too...I can still sense the earth-crumbling feeling when it happened, that this could be an attainable reality.

This is what my thoughts were.  Here was a real live person who I had seen in concert a couple of times who was actually going to do what I thought was only a pipe dream.  I can not stress enough that it was a living, breathing, blood pumping human being.  That coincided with watching all of those dastardly YouTube videos.  They showed normal dudes some over weight some with beards, etc. that transitioned into gorgeous women with a feminine voice and movements.  Again, proving that is was possible to not be a social pariah if I choose to transition.  Couple that with the fact that they showed me that an otherwise typical looking man, who has my same thoughts, can live a total and complete life as a women.  It was mind blowing!

Quote from: kathy b on September 20, 2012, 09:28:57 AM
And Sara, you seem to have a very positive outlook about the "unknowns" in your future, and you're taking important steps to move on with your life.

I like to think so Kathy.  But, trust me, I have had some dark times over the last three years.  Many of them having nothing to my TG revelations.  I have spent weeks never getting off the couch or leaving the house.  It truly sucks and most times I have to just wait it out to get back to feeling able again.  However, I do not want to miss anything.  Unknowns are frightening, but at the same time aren't they what life is worth living for.  I do not want to check out before the aliens finally land in my back yard and ask me over for dinner.  Same goes for me and my TGness.  I still waiver daily on what the hell I am considering doing, but what if it makes things better?  If I do transition I sure as heck do not want to miss my first entrance to the Christmas party wearing my new cocktail dress.  I look forward to the point in transition where I can take someone under my wing and show her the ropes.  (If anyone wants to make me that same offer I am accepting applications).  I look forward to being able to meet up with my few friends and finally being able to feel at ease around them for the first time, even though I have known them for 15+ years.

Time to share positive stories friends.

Quote from: Sara Murphy on September 22, 2012, 01:36:16 PM
I have to believe that there are good experience and moments that have also led to your overwhelming desire and need to transition.

Personally, if I have to wait and endure only bad experiences and feelings to force me forward I do not think I would want to go through with transition.  Don't get me wrong I can admit that this is the path I want to walk down, but I want some roses lining the road not just poison ivy.

Of all the TS folk I have met in person, none of them wanted to transition but they all needed to transition.

The good experiences come when you realise that the dysphoria is under control or in retreat or that you finally feel at ease with yourself and you see the world in colour and not in black & white, but there are plenty of bad experiences too. Having said that not all transitions are disasters with family and friends disowning you. My own transition is going very well and no one has turned their back on me, the medical side is going well for now and I am happy with things, but anyone with religious friends, siblings or parent seems to get a rougher ride (as a rule of thumb).

Quote from: Sara Murphy on September 19, 2012, 02:22:54 PM
Gabel remembered her, too. "When I saw her at that show, I was like, '<not allowed>, yeah,'" he says. "I just found it so awesome and empowering. In a way, it showed me what a coward I was being. Because if she had the courage to come out as trans – then why the <not allowed> didn't I?"

Me three! I had been on the very cusp of breaking for nearly a year, but this quote is what tipped me over the edge. I'm now three months into HRT (5 weeks on e), I had my first laser session last week, etc. I'm not attracted to or easily influenced by celebrity, but her sheer courage was overwhelming, and I am incredibly thankful.

Also: Hello everybody!

Stephanie

My entire life was a long battle with depression and self-hatred which culminated in a suicide attempt 7 months ago over my gender dysphoria and a sincere belief that life was not worth living anymore because I thought I could never change or ever be the woman I was on the inside.  That was my turning point.  The next day I came out to my therapist and closest friends at the time.

7 months later, I've been in extensive gender identity and trans-related therapy, moved to one of the best cities for trans folks in the U.S., started to live full time as the WOMAN I've always been, and started HRT 5 days ago. 

So I'm still trying to sort through PTSD symptoms from that attempt as well the emotional abuse that led to my lifetime of specific hatred of my feminine core...but I'm transitioning.  And I'm FINALLY starting to see the sexy woman I've always been on the inside in the mirror every day.

I have to stop being so hard on myself...considering where I've been....I'm lightyears away and practically in the clouds in comparison.

Quote from: brc on September 19, 2012, 02:45:17 PM
... for some reason I cannot articulate I had an overwhelming desire to change my appearance. I could not sleep at night. I wanted my beard gone, my hair longer, my body smooth. The push to be more feminine was coming from somewhere deep inside, but I could not rationalise it or express it or deal with it. It began to occupy me all day and all night. I could think of nothing else ... Womens' clothes were not the point. It was me I needed to change, not my clothing.

There's something in every post on this thread that I can relate to ... but THIS ... this really says it ...

" It was me I needed to change, not my clothing"

That right there.