Just registered and wanted to say Hi and introduce myself.  My name is Sage and I'm a MtF that hasn't started on my physical transition yet - only the mental and emotional parts as I've only recently come to terms with the "real me".  The fact that I'm in uniform in the middle east for a few more months makes it all the more difficult to fully discover myself - for now.

I've been reading everyone's stories here and so many of them match my own experiences.  I'm 39 and tried for years to be a "real" man and shoved everything female to the back of my mind, hoping it would go away as it was just making life difficult.  After having nothing to do but work and exercise here I was bodybuilding and taking testosterone boosters and hating the results more and more.  I finally had an emotional meltdown and let down the barriers and "reintegrated" that aspect of myself I'd hidden away for so many years.  I must have cried for a week, out of fear, sadness, frustration, and yes, joy.  Yes, I'm off all the T-boosters and supplements  thankfully (for a while now) and I have a clear and complete mind for the first time in a long time.

I've already started talking with a therapist and have come out to my closest friends and my wife.  I'm resigned to the fact that my life will be radically different when I come home.  While my wife has already said she won't stay married to me once I transition, I still hope to maintain the friendship we've built.

I have a long road ahead of me while I find the right path to be complete in all aspects, physically, mentally, emotionally, and spiritually.  Having resources and sites like Susan's place available has helped a lot and I want to thank Susan and all the admins and moderators for the work to maintain it and to keep it a civil and safe place to express ourselves.

- Sage

Hi Sage 

Welcome to Susan's    Glad to have you here this is a great place to find new friends and great information

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Hugs

V M

Sounds like your going to have some difficulties in the short term. I wish you luck Sage. Are you seeing a therapist yet for GID?

Hi Sage,

Welcome to our little family. Over 8329 strong. That would be one heck of a family reunion.

Feel free to post your successes/failures, Hopes/dreams.  Ask questions and seek answers. Give and receive advice.

But remember we are family here, your family now. And it is always nice to have another sister.


Janet 

Thanks for the welcome everyone.

Shauna, I have started talking with a therapist, though she doesn't specialize in GID, she has worked with numerous gender dysphoric cases in the past and her associate does specialize in GID and I believe she uses him as a resource.  Besides, it was cheap and via skype - and I like her which is even more important.  She's been more of a sounding board and is helping to affirm and explore the problems I have questions on.

Overall I think I'm doing ok with this.  Other than a few bouts of depression in my teen years I haven't had the same turmoil and severe depression and suicidal thoughts that others have expressed.  I don't have any male body or genital disgust, I've just always felt uncomfortable in my skin and have lately realized its because what I see in the mirror is not who I am (gender wise).

It's amazing how easy it is to see the signs when you look back on your life with the proper perspective.

My biggest challenge in the near term is dealing with my wife and kids.  I have two teenage daughters that are already out of the house - I'm fairly confident they'll be fine with this.  But I have two little boys turning two and four in the next few weeks and the thought of not being there full-time and raising them with the woman I thought was the love of my life - that's what's tearing me up and making me question this.  Not what I am, but what steps I'm willing to take to get where I want to be.  Is it worth sacrificing the family I've worked so hard to build?
My wife isn't one for gray areas and is pushing me to give her a definitive answer on what my intentions are.  While the easy and honest answer is I want to make the full physical transition, seeing the tears in her eyes and the smiles on my sons' faces stops me from saying it.

I've heard so many people say that the bravest people they know are those that have had the courage to transition.  I'm no stranger to courage, but the challenge before me may take more than I have.  How many of us would rather be on the front lines getting shot at?  At least then you have a visible enemy - a target for your fear. 

Sage, I would just like to thank you for your service.

I am from an Army family and was a member of a State Police Force for 30 years so can appreciate the stress involved.  Compared to basic training and what has no doubt followed, you have already  got the mental toughness to cope with transition.  You are doing the most important part, recon of the situation so you should do well.
Your children are young enough to appreciate the situation as being a bit magical, so as long as they know you still love them and are not going anywhere, they should cope quite well.  My kids are adults and that makes it a little more difficult.
If you can show your wife that it is because you trust and value her enough to reveal all this to her, there is hope that you can at least be BFFs, and share looking after your children. 
Nothing will happen in a hurry, so keep your head down and as always in any uniform service; don't volunteer! 

Karen.

I have stepkids that I have had since the age of 4 and 5. They had their own questions at times. Kids are very flexible, and usually love unconditionally if you raise them right. You make an interesting point. Is transitioning more important than your family. Only you can answer that and I suspect it will be the toughest choice you ever have to make, and I only hope that you never regret the choice that you do make.
I have a question: What if you were to just go androgynous. Maybe get some facial surgery to look more female without going the route of hormones or transitioning. Is there a way to work with your wife so that she doesn't leave you? Especially if you don't hate your own genitals maybe it would be an easier way to go. Just an idea on my part. Or did you have your heart set on a full transition? 

Shauna, while I've certainly learned to compromise after two marriages and four kids, I've never really been one for half-measures.  If I'm going to do this, and I'm 95% certain I will, then I'm going to do it right.

I accepted a long time ago that life is all about dealing with change and growing as an individual.  Even those opposed to change can't resist the passage of time and impact it has on us, physically and every other way.  Better to embrace it and move with it. Like a surfer riding a swell, you have more control over your movements by recognizing and adapting the the changes that affect you then by fighting them.

My daughters, now 16 and 18, have grown up with my philosophical lectures on life and have watched me practice what I've preached.  They are very open-minded and accepting of others and I'm sure the love we share will win over any shock or aversion they may feel.

The boys are young and, as you said, are flexible.  I believe that as long as their mother and I continue to love them unconditionally they'll return it tenfold - whatever I present myself as.  Right now gender is just a pronoun to them anyway.  A year ago my four year old kept telling us he was a girl - for two months.  It was a flag for me, but he stopped on his own and hasn't said it since so maybe it was just a phase.  But it does show his internal identification is still flexible at this point.  Hopefully it won't be much of a stretch to go from Daddy to Mommy Sage.

Right On  You sound pretty cool. I'm the same way, I couldn't stand to just go half way. And, I hope your wife comes around and accepts you. Cheers 

Hi Sage, welcome and thank you for your service! There's always a light on and someone to talk to here. See you around, hugs, Devlyn

Thanks Devlyn.  I'm also an Army Veteran (still in uniform for a bit).  Huuuaahhh!!  Airborne, Air Assault, Special Ops... etc. 

No one can say I didn't try hard enough to be a man.  LOL. 

It's truly a shame that the repeal of DODT didn't include a clause for transsexualism.  The US is so far behind our allies in it's acceptance of non-normative genders and sexuality.  As if what's between my legs or how I see myself affects my ability to do my job in uniform.  I'm a damn fine officer and now I have to just walk away before they kick me out.  And I'm not even in a combat arms MOS!  I'm going to go IRR after this and hope they change the law in the not too distant future so I can sneak back in and actually get my retirement.  : )

There are many veterans here: https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,96755.msg708143.html#msg708143

There are a lot of military here I believe. I think you will feel right at home. Welcome