Hi
Haven't been on here in ages but thought I would reply to your post!
You have opened the flood gates!!! it is going to become impossible to want to be "him" anymore. The "mis-gendering" incidents will soon become a need to cross over to the other side, it's funny now but people that know "him" will not understand why you get mis-gendered and it will become difficult to explain to them it's "ok" you don't mind.
The anxiety of pretending to be someone your not will overcome you. You will transition to full time or go back to "him" I'm betting on transition.
I was once where you're at. I am a little over four years transitioning, 1 year full time (I like to call it "just being me") and 2 1/2 years HRT. I was constantly being gendered female 2 years ago and it was very amusing at first. It soon started to feel natural and disliked it when I needed to be gendered my correct birth gender. Using bathrooms, meeting new people that needed to know my true gender and dealing with my family and my children soon became very difficult to handle. This is what pushed me to legally change my name and to also pursue work as me.
I will tell you this last year has had its ups and downs. The ups involve situations where I am stealth the downs are where I can not hide who I once once. Passing with looks, voice, gestures, body, hair and whatever else is just the beginning. You have a good start on that. Thinking, feeling, wondering, seeing, smelling, talking ..............ect....these you can never act. Some may be their already most you will feel as you go along your journey, some you may never get. Not all females think and feel alike. HRT will rewire you to an extent and you can act like a female the rest of your life but you will start to hate it. You have to be yourself and let things flow.
I was a very heterosexual male not a gay bone in me. I never was a macho type but definatly not any thing like a effeminate gay man. I am the same as I was then, I feel the only thing I changed about myself is my appearance and voice. When i first became me legally I tried to act the way I thought all females should act, I soon started to feel like a fake. Once I just relaxed and started to be "me" it all fell in place. I honestly don't remember who I used to be, at the same time I don't feel I have changed at all.
I work in retail and see many different people on a daily basis. I do have some anxiety at times that coworkers may know or a customer may figure something out. I am past the worry of the feeling of "do I pass" Am I attractive? eh I don't think so! Am I just another average woman in her
40"s (late thirties!! I lie!) yes!
My biggest fear is that someone may know my past. There is a part of my life that I cannot be stealth, I have been accepted and treated fairly but I am always viewed as a transgendered person and not as a woman. This is what I hate the most. I have realized though that if I want to stay connected to my children this will always exist. I wish many times I could move away and start my life over but I could never leave my children. I know some who have done this, they have said that the dysphoria was so bad that they had no choice. I think that's BS. I will say this is the most difficult part though. It's hard being proud that I was my childrens father but not wanting to be called dad anymore. I like being referred to as their mother but they have a decent mother, they have accepted at times to call me mother but their bio mom has made them stop.
It's a work in progress. I tell my children that she must live in la la land if she thinks I will be called grandpa by my grandchildren.
This is just some of what you will need to know as you follow your journey. I do not write this to scare you or to be negative. I only write this because there is soooo much more to transitioning then passing!!
Shelly
P.S you can PM me if need be, though I'm not on here often
