Hello everyone!

So, I have thought about this a lot and honestly am not sure what I feel about it, so any feedback you all can give me would be greatly appreciated I am getting into the transition process and I am hopeful that eventually I will be a passing female in the end and be able to live a normal life. Ideally I would love to live my life as a female, get married and meet new great people and not have to tell any of these people that I was unfortunately born a boy. I feel since I honestly feel like I am a female in my heart and brain that I shouldn't have to tell people, but my straight guy friends who I trust and do know think it is unfair for me to do that. They said they would still keep my secret of course, but they feel like I am being deceitful and not honest with my "future boyfriend" by essentially living in stealth. What do you all think? Am I in the wrong? I want to live my life as a female and not as a transgendered female, and although "medically" speaking that is what I am; I wish don't believe it fits me truly. Any help you all can give is greatly appreciated

<3 Emma

you can do whatever you want. Another poster said here to consider how revealing ones trans status would change the perception others have of you, so that's something to think about.

Different people can live with different things.

Many go into stealth since they can't handle the animosity. Unfortunately it doesn't help the movement since numbers will never reach that critical mass where we will be generally accepted. The LG community is becoming more accepted as the numbers grow, and the normal population sees that they are not demons. It worries me that so many of us go into stealth, but it is up to the individual. Generally we do not wear a sign on our backs, when we are able to pass, so revealing is up to us.

There is nothing wrong with "going stealth". The term kind of implies that there is. You know as if you were lying or something. It is a matter of disclosure and who you are willing to disclose to. If that is NOBODY, you are not some kind of bad person or something.
It helps me at work to know that I have friends there who know. But if you don't trust anybody there like that, then that is a fact. Trust has to be earned.


--Jay J

Quote from: TessaM on September 23, 2012, 06:07:38 PM
My thoughts exactly

I dont go around with a sign on my forehead saying TRANS but when I am in a serious relationship I will tell. Notice I said Serious. One night stands dont count 

PAGING NOEY!!! shes into not disclosing and brings up good points why you shouldnt. Just another viewpoint for you to get.

noey is no longer with us...

Quote from: TessaM on September 23, 2012, 06:21:28 PM
I saw that, in a thread she once posted in her name was no longer noey and she was listed as a guest. Anyone know what happened?

Ok, maybe BerkeleyPostOp can post in replacement of noey! (dont tell me shes gone too?!?!)

Berkeley's gone too? Oh noes! Someone's killing off members!

Believe me you will avoid so much problems by remaining stealth and will be treated far way better as stealth. And those straight guys they deserve to know NOTHING as they are good only in their bigotries to reject transsexuals no matter how beautiful and feminine they are. Only minority of straight guys accept and it's too risky to tell them. If it's for short term, no need to say but if it's for long term I think you can tell but again majority of them are full of bigotries. And don't tell ANYONE at work cos if only 1 knows, ALL will know. Me I cut off from everyone of my previous life even upto my own parents and start a fresh new page in your life, it's much better and lighter like this. If you say you're trans then you will no more be viewed as a woman but just as an 'operated man' as many bigot men told me I am, till I stopped telling now. So if you wanna be considered as a 'real' woman, better keep your mouth shut as we live in a very transphobic/homophobic world.

I decided that the only people I would tell would be prospective girlfriends and that I would tell them straight away. I want to be upfront and honest so they can't accuse me of lying or hiding anything. Also I feel it's important so that they understand there is no way I can give them a child.

It is a very personal decision.

My position is that it is a matter of degree and that the extremes are to be avoided. It also calls for judgment as to when, why, and to whom is to be divulged.

I am fully out at work where I have been educating the workforce as well as management on matter of TG; I am also out pretty out to my student and coworkers on my second job (University)

All my friends know, and anybody getting close does get the disclosure. Finally, in my day to day operations outside work, well, I am stealth.

Wow, this is the calmest stealth discussion I've ever seen. As for me, I could never go completely stealth because I have friends and family that I could never let go. However, that doesn't mean you can't do so if it suits you. Technically, no one ever asked if you are trans, so you aren't lying or deceiving. Besides, even if it were deceiving, you have the right to live a happy life and if hiding your trans designation makes you happy, then go for it.

A long long time ago in a galaxy far far away.... OK 1978 in NYC my wife started her experiment. She has been stealth from day two? As others have said, it gets complicated. The easy part is slightly modifying your childhood, tomboy,dad always wanted a son etc.. That works for most social interactions. If you happen to come across someone you really really like and the relationship grows, pre-op for sure the truth comes out. Post-op so-so. When it comes time to meet the family, there eventually will be slip ups. Have no doubt about that.

All of the older women in my TS group, by default, they are not stealth. They all had lives and careers going for them before transition. The younger crowd (<20), all pretty open. (Amazingly, like totally so, compared to my mid 1970's paradigm). MTF's have some hassles. Guys are like that, especially in hillbilly country. The FTM's really no issues at all.

The biggest complaint from the older ones, lack of intimacy. Several totally fantastic women who would love to have a man in their life, do not. If I weren't a few years younger, not totally in love with my wife and best friend of some 30 years, and... didn't have a few issues of my own, rearing again, oh yeah, also rule #1 of our group, it is not for dating, I'd be more than eager to try to worm my way into their hearts as I did with my wife.

The moral of the story, it may be very difficult to find love with a "normal" guy if you are a public trans. If you are stealth and do, but don't fess up, the outcome will likely be the same as for most of us that tried to keep our deep dark secret from our wives. The situaation tends to explode in our faces when they find out. Even if they always knew, things may end badly. But at least you cannot beat yourself up over it, IMHO. I tried both ways during my years of trying to be "normal". I felt better about the one, like 6 year, relationship ending with the woman that always knew vs the one that didn't.

I'm semi-stealth.  Basically if I want to come out to someone, I try bringing up the subject by mentioning something trans-related that was in the news recently or something, and see what their reaction is like.  Since I'm pre-op there's no way I could get out of telling someone I sleep with, so I'm always sure to test their reactions before it gets to that point.  Most of the time disclosing isn't that important to me; I have some good friends that don't know, but it doesn't seem like a big enough of a deal to tell them.

Anyway, it's entirely up to you.  In my opinion, there's absolutely nothing wrong with being stealth, and it will definitely make your life easier.  I get the whole visibility thing, but just because you're not openly trans doesn't mean you can't be openly supportive.

When I pass 100% I won't walk about with a sign painted to me that says "TRANS MAN", but I also won't lie about it. I have no intention of claiming I was always male or that I am "just like every other guy", because no matter what, I have 23 years of socialization and life that say differently. Not to mention genetics. There is certainly nothing wrong with being stealth in daily life, especially because most people you meet don't need to know what is (or isn't) in your pants.

I would never lie to a potential partner though. No matter what steps anyone takes, lies always have a way of unraveling themselves and coming out. But I also don't believe that lying to anyone that I was planning to be intimate with is healthy. Even if I had a fully functional, normal looking penis, I would still tell.  A relationship based on a lie, in this case "I'm biologically male" can never truly be a healthy one, I think.

Hi,

For myself to be in stealth would be a straight out lie because  theres no way it could or would ever happen .
Im too well known some what older & no need , im accepted for who i am & every one knows about myself because i wonted them too. & iv nothing to hide,

Each one must decide for themselfs, & whats best , though just remember theres no such thing as something being hidden away that wont be seen at some time in ones life,

Im too open to be bothered with something hidden ,im not going to carry a burden like that , & to me thats not life, be open up front & live with out ever looking over your shoulder thinking  maybe one day ill be found out,  this applys to myself & its worked well .

...noeleena...

Well I guess I wouldn't be 100% stealth then. I have already told and wanted to tell my family and VERY close friends and not very many people. The people I have told are accepting and I know they would not ruin my personal life by telling a prospective boyfriend or whatnot. However during my transition, I am having a hard time meeting people on purpose because more than likely they will be "removed" from my life anyways unless they make a huge impact somehow in this short period. My plan was once I went full time and I finally finish the process, then I will do my best to live the life of a normal female. When it comes to family and friends though, I will make it clear that when I bring someone to meet them post-op they cannot refer to me as my previous name or say anything to that degree. Does anyone feel the same as me? Also thank you everyone for so many replies. It really means a lot that I have so much support and help. This transition has been 10 times easier because I have so many wonderful people supporting me

<3 Emma

"I want to live my life as a female and not as a transgendered female, and although "medically" speaking that is what I am"

Transition then move to a new country This is something I am considering. I'm fortunate enough to have the option of letting people know about my trans status. for general interactions, I dont worry about it, if I were to have any type of personal relationship with someone, I let them know at the outset. this goes for friends and partners, I just basically cant be bothered wondering if they know or not.

For myself it is always the question of: "Would I honestly want to be with someone who is not accepting of transgender people?" And the answer is no.

I am not saying that you need to tell everyone, but you'd be surprised with how accepting people can be. My boyfriend was completely fine with everything. Be picky, get someone who accepts you for who you are and what you've gone through to be who you are and don't be ashamed by it. Don't date someone who couldn't accept it, because that bodes to end badly. And you deserve more than that.

Quote from: Isabelle on September 24, 2012, 12:24:51 AM
Transition then move to a new country This is something I am considering.

Drop me a note if you come to the UK.

I live in an apartment that is female-only. I dunno what would happen exactly if they knew I was trans. Probably it would be fine. I mean I'm legally female. But I don't really see the point of inflicting that on myself. Going through that stress and uncertainty for what?

I guess that's how I see being out. It's funny how everyone seems to think stealth takes all this effort. I don't tell people I'm trans. The people who know I'm trans don't tell people I'm trans. And it's not like a whole lot of secret conversations are going on behind closed doors. It just doesn't come up that much. Being out would take effort, would mean informing people, actually convincing people I wasn't having them on. And why? So I can have conversations about one of the most traumatic experiences of my brief life? Yay?

Yes, I inform intimate partners. Because, honestly, I don't want to sleep with someone who doesn't want me. The idea makes my skin crawl. But that's it.

I'm terribly sorry I'm not "advancing the cause." Only that's crap. I volunteer for LGBT organizations that actually make REAL differences in the lives of trans people in the place I live. The fact that I'm not out is immaterial. I'm not some public figure, I don't have some high flying job. I'm just another 20-something queer girl trying to get her life figured out. And having people know that about me, the idea of dealing with peoples' assumptions of "weirdo" or "poor thing" or even "wow, she's so brave" makes me nauseous. I'm none of those things. I'm just me. And I don't want "TRANS" to cover up all of me so I can't be anything else.

I imagine one could still advance the cause while in stealth. They could be gay lesbian or a straight ally I personally wish I could stealth but my height and the internet makes that an impossibility.