For the last few years I have, normally only during the winter, removed most of my body hair. This year I was curious about waxing because I hate stubble and waxing, from my understanding, helps reduce the thickness of the hair and takes longer to grow back compared to shaving. This curiosity sparked a conversation between me and my wife. She even offered to help me wax since some areas are hard to reach and it would be my first time. I asked her why she was willing to help even though she doesn't like my wanting to be a woman. She then told me that using nail polish and removing body hair she could tolerate but anything more than that was too much. Which sucks for me because I've always wanted to go all out with clothing and makeup, a wig, and maybe even breast forms, just to see if I can pass as a woman. I've even made subtle suggestions about "going 'drag' " on trick-or-treat night, making it just a costume. She gives me an eye roll and quickly changes the subject.

She did help me, a little, with waxing my legs. I did part of my right leg and almost all of my left, there are a few spots that need a touch up. It wasn't as bad as I thought it would be, doesn't really hurt even in sensitive areas just a quick sensation of discomfort. Actually it was sort of enjoyable, so much easier than shaving and even smoother. I'm tempted to continue to my chest and back, not so sure about the underarms but have considered. Wish I could wax my face and pubic areas but I think that would be too painful.

Anyways, for those of you who are in or have been in similar relationship situations at the beginning of transition, or even where I'm at(still considering transition), I want your take on it. I wish she'd let me do more. Do you think she might open up more or do you think she really can't handle me dressing and presenting as a woman in the future? I'm not sure if I phrased the question like I want but I hope you get what I'm asking.

Have any of you that have or still are with your spouses from before your transitions had issues like this?
Did your spouse draw lines as to what they would accept?
Did they eventually accept more things like cross-dressing or even going out as female?

Did any of you, at first, while still going out as your born gender ever become embarrassed by things like having shaven legs or wearing nail polish in public?

im assuming that this is all new to her my wife found out from me by virtue of a letter my phycologist asked me to write to her as a condition of starting hrt and continuing therapy in her words : you can not continue to lie to her especially if you seek hrt.: so assuming u just told her recently she is going to need time to adjust and she may come around or she may not. here are in my opinion some of her possible fears that need to be adressed. 1. fear of public embarrassement or even possible harm to you. 2. her own reputation 3.stability a very real concern as people have lost every thing transitioning 4 the simple fact that she is a heterosexual female and is neither attracted to nor wants a female relationship this can extend to revolsion at the thought of it. so yes she may come around or may be a deal breaker have you even made up your mind how far you are willing to transition or are you still thinking it over if your not decided you will project that and as any supporting wife would when so much is at stake she will activly appose it. once its set it stone its decision time for her make sure your ready for the results its a pandoras box once opened its not easily closed again
good luck
jessi

I agree with Jesse, you can take small steps, and to be honest removing body hair in males is VERY common. Look at any wrestling program and the big hairy apes don't have any hair, they wax it off. Swimmers, cyclists and lots of men remove their body hair. It is a nothing in society generally. But trying this technique to slowly push the envelope probably doesn't work. At some time the truth has to come out. And you need to decide on the truth for who you want to be.

The old talk to a gender therapist leaps out, but as well as that you need to be honest with yourself and your wife. You both have lives and it is incredibly selfish to ruin your wife's life by pretence. I realise that is easy to type or say and horrendous to contemplate.

You need to honestly decide if you are a cross dresser, and whether the occasional foray is enough, to the other extreme of understanding if you are female and cannot live without being yourself. Of course there is every shade between.

There is nothing wrong in being any part of the spectrum, everyone is normal and we are all unique and wonderful people. But we also need to think about what we want and how it impacts on others.

Many 'men' get married and even have children with the hope and expectation that they will be 'cured' of their TG desires at whatever level.  Their wives invariably married them thinking they were regular men and fitted into their concept of the man they want to have their family with. It is often a cruel shock for the wife to find out that they married a pretence, no matter how well intentioned the pretence was.

They wanted a man; they married a woman. If they expected a man then it is a cruel shock.

I can understand their disappointment and anger.  "My Brad has taken up weight lifting and is looking so hot, he is really into the man stuff and horny all the time" "My Tony has bought a set of high heels and is practising putting his make up on"

I mean no insult to Brad or Tony. But if both wives in that scenario expected to marry the man of their dreams, who feels good and who feels cheated?

I'll stop because I may be wandering off topic, but these are concepts that are important in the relationship that people can miss.

Cindy

Quote from: chevrolet_gt on September 26, 2012, 01:01:09 AM
Have any of you that have or still are with your spouses from before your transitions had issues like this?

This is EXACTLY what I'm going through right now. I'm realizing just how much of a woman I really am and how partial measures are not going to work for me. My poor wife is along for the ride. She is a wonderful sweet woman who, like Cindy points out, didn't sign up for ANY of this.

Quote from: chevrolet_gt on September 26, 2012, 01:01:09 AM
Did they eventually accept more things like cross-dressing or even going out as female?

My sweet wife has gone from "if I were married to someone who transitioned I think I would leave him" to going out with me while I present completely as a (pretty bad facsimile of a) woman and shop for clothes with me.

The change was due to the fact that she allowed herself to become *educated* about what it means to be transgendered. She now understands that my having the brain and the heart of a woman means that I will not feel like myself unless I can dress and act in a way that fits that role.

Quote from: chevrolet_gt on September 26, 2012, 01:01:09 AM
Did any of you, at first, while still going out as your born gender ever become embarrassed by things like having shaven legs or wearing nail polish in public?

A little. I have really good self-talk. I can tell myself that being transgendered is nothing to be ashamed of. It's gotten to the point where I kind of want the people in my life to know I'm transgendered, so they're not shocked when, sometime in the future, I decide to present as a woman full time.

Quote from: chevrolet_gt on September 26, 2012, 01:01:09 AM
Did your spouse draw lines as to what they would accept?

I saved this for last because I think it's the most important question to ask.

My wife didn't draw lines, she made requests. She asked me to leave my chest hair (not sure why) so I still haven't shaved it, even though that means I really can't wear anything but turtlenecks as a woman.

HERE'S THE IMPORTANT THING: Nobody, not even a spouse, has a right to tell anyone else not to be themselves. She can request, she can express her preferences, but she doesn't own you. She can't MAKE you be the man she wants (nor can you make yourself a man if, inside, you really are a woman). In my opinion, "drawing lines" is toxic to the relationship, especially when it has to do with trying to keep you from being yourself.

I encourage you to educate your wife about what it means to be transgendered. You are a woman, always were one, and that no line she draws is ever going to change that. The only thing it can do is stifle your sense of being yourself and lead to anger or sadness.

Going out of the house seems to be a very bright line, a Rubicon of sorts, for both parties.  It's one thing to do the housework dressed like June Cleaver, or hang about in a skirt all day.  Wearing panties, no big deal.  But stepping over that threshold is stepping into a whole new game, in that there is a huge difference between public and private.

On a slightly humorous note, it does drive my GF nuts when I 'mix and match'.  She wants me to dress boy, or dress girl, but not both at the same time.  So I can't wear my old SF Giants hat and a nice dress at the same time.

My wife at first was a bit shocked but fairly understanding. over the next month of talking about it shes actually come to be excited about it ( she get a shopping friend) plus shes always been the dominant one in our relationship due to her being 6'4 <not a typo and me at 5'10 and she much stronger than i am. SO all and all its working out well and were both happy

About educating my wife. I have sent her links upon links of sites that have information on TG and the psychology behind it. I've told her numerous times how I feel and that with me being more in the middle on the issue of who I am I need to experiment to understand if it is more than just a curiosity. But she won't have any part of that and might call it quits if I do. I don't think it is a matter of understanding, it is more a matter acceptance. She would rather deny the way I feel or totally disconnect herself with it than to learn or try to accept it. She somewhat does the same thing with my Atheism. She accepts that I'm an Atheist now but at first she was furious, she still hates when I watch content that is negative of religion like the Atheist experience. I think she has been taught that it is wrong to question her own beliefs(which is also another reason why she is against my TG tendencies because God made me the way I am and that is male not female, according to her) so she ignores or puts out of her mind any questions that could turn her away from her beliefs. She's a stubborn woman and knows it.

Unfortunately your wife has her right to her opinion.  She might never come around, this could end up being the straw that breaks the back of the marriage.

I know that sounds rough, but sometimes it happens.  My marriage has survived, with consessions from both of us and a lot of work.

Quote from: chevrolet_gt on December 11, 2012, 05:53:54 PM
But she won't have any part of that and might call it quits if I do. I don't think it is a matter of understanding, it is more a matter acceptance. She would rather deny the way I feel or totally disconnect herself with it than to learn or try to accept it.

Is it possible she's not in love with you as much as the you she wants you to be?