first I want to apologize if this was put into the wrong forum? 

I really do not know what to really type here. I have been diagnosed with GID approx 3 years ago. I have been on HRT for about that amount of time. Most of the time I am either very depressed and just lonely. I don't have a lot of close friends at all that I can really talk with or just do anything with. So most of my weekends are just spend at hime, reading, watching TV or just doing homework since I take evening classes. The times where I do get friends calling to talk or just say HI I am usually depressed to the point of not even wanting to talk so a lot I just leave my phone on vibrate. I have two puppies that I spend a good amount of time with, and honestly if it were not for them I would be verge of just ending it all. I tried the whole looking at yourself every morning and saying something good that you see about yourself and saying that I love myself. I have tried that many times, but I don't see ANYTHING that I like or see about myself and to be honest I hate everything in what I see. I know it is stupid but I ask God every single night why he is punishing me? why am I cursed? why can't I just be happy like other people that I see? I honestly do not know what else to do or where else to turn...

I have puppies too! You always have friends here who know how you're feeling. Hugs, Devlyn

Thank God for dogs.  Do you feel your depression is part of GID or is it a separate issue? 

It's hard sometimes for us to feel good about ourselves.  One thing is for sure staying home by yourself and avoiding your friends is not the answer to curing depression.  Get out of the house.  Go for a walk in the park.  Even if it's by yourself.  Enjoy nature.  God is not punishing you...You're punishing yourself.  Sorry, I know that is probably not much help.

Emily, some people heep all their negativity on others because they too are miserable and afraid. Getting out and doing something with and for others does help. God certainly is not punishing you.   

Quote from: JulieC. on September 24, 2012, 06:58:06 PM
Thank God for dogs.  Do you feel your depression is part of GID or is it a separate issue? 

It's hard sometimes for us to feel good about ourselves.  One thing is for sure staying home by yourself and avoiding your friends is not the answer to curing depression.  Get out of the house.  Go for a walk in the park.  Even if it's by yourself.  Enjoy nature.  God is not punishing you...You're punishing yourself.  Sorry, I know that is probably not much help.

I do get out and talk walks a lot with my puppies which helps at times, I go to school in the evenings so that keeps my mind occupied.  Weekends I either take walks again with my puppise or use that time to do my homework.  Unfortunately this is all the time that I have for myself which is actually OK since it takes my mind off my personal issues and keeps my mind occupied. 

I know I am punishing myself, but I also feels that life itself is punishing me for some reason and it is just not in my destiny to be happy.  I don't think I ever been truly happy in life so I guess that I do not know how to look on the other side of the spectrum. 

QuoteI know I am punishing myself, but I also feels that life itself is punishing me for some reason and it is just not in my destiny to be happy.  I don't think I ever been truly happy in life so I guess that I do not know how to look on the other side of the spectrum. 

I'm really sorry to hear that.  Happiness is a perplexing emotion.  I don't know if you can make yourself happy or unhappy.  And I am not even sure if external influences will effect your happiness either.  I am very happy.  I can't tell you why.  I have more reason to be unhappy than happy.  My life for a large part is a train wreck but still I'm content.  I wonder sometimes if it's just brain chemistry. 

I'm sorry I'm still not being any help to you.  I wish I knew how. 

As I like to say, life kicks you. You're supposed to kick back! Hugs, Devlyn

I'll be the first. Dog is God spelled backwards.
On the other hand cat is......  forget it 

As a totally fantastic woman in my group says, "I am an engineer. I have no life" I totally empathizes with that since I am also an engineer. Relocated to hillbilly country from just outside NYC. Culture shock and loneliness rules the roost. The acquaintances I formed at work at are allmarried, kids, running around, etc.. Bars are out for me, in this neck of the woods for sure with my joisey accent    Besides NOT a good place for me to spend any quality time in.

The only joy I find in my life is the way too brief forays out into the real world as me. Actually they have been the only real joy in a very long time. I see myself in a life destined to do my duty, suck it up, do what you signed on to do.

Happiness? Are you joking? Life sucks and then you die.

I hate that attitude. It has sent me into depressive death spirals at least a half dozen times these past three years. Which in turn turns on the self hate and defeatist dialogs big time. I punish myself by avoiding trying to be the real me, even for a few precious hours hours each evening between returning home from work and sleep.

I may not find happiness, but I can break that depressive cycle by just forcing myself out once again as the real me. Even if it is just for groceries it works. No matter how much I go into my self-denial mode, I still get a shot of adrenaline each morning when I wake up and the first thing I see is the real me, before I have switch gears to that provider, supporter, "rock" etc. role I signed on to and am obligated to carry out.

You have a goal and are working towards it. Don't beat yourself over what you have not yet been able to accomplish. Look back to where you were 3 months, a year, three years ago! Revel in how much you have grown, learned, and most of all how much better you feel about yourself, your true self.

I know it is self defeating to have this type of negative attitude ALL the time, honestly though I do not know how to change the way I look at myself or my way of thinking.  Nothing seems to be going to plan in my transition goals (or really anything else in my life right now) so it is hard to be positive about really anything right now.  I HATE the way I feel, being constantly depressed and frustrated is no way to live one's life.  I just hope that I can find something in my life that will give help me stay more positive and give me some direction and a better outlook in my life.   

You said nothing goes to your plan. My advice is break your plan down until the next step is an easily attainable goal. That way, you'll feel the progress! Hugs, Devlyn

Quote from: Devlyn Marie on September 26, 2012, 12:26:22 PM
You said nothing goes to your plan. My advice is break your plan down until the next step is an easily attainable goal. That way, you'll feel the progress! Hugs, Devlyn

I have tried that in my past when I first started, very little has changes since then (3 years ago) so I am not sure what obtainable goals I can make since none has worked yet for me honestly?

I am sorry you are feeling this way but I would hazard a guess most of us have been there at one time or another. I was unable to get better until I started medication and regular visits with a qualified gender therapist. I know you probably didn't want to hear it. Just trying to relay my experience. I am not ashamed of getting on medication and seeking help from a therapist. It was the best thing I could have done. I simply got to the point where I could no longer go down the path I was on. The male thing was not working for me.

Now I understand what I am about to say will sound ludicrous but I assure you I have used this to combat recurring negative patterns or OCD type thinking. I also used this technique to quit a 10 year 2 pack a day smoking habit. That was about 30 years ago. So it must of worked. I realized this sounds stupid but it has worked for me. When I started with this I had already assumed this was dumb. I persevered however.  I think shrinks call it imagery.

In the case of smoking I imagined myself chained to a cigarette machine. I really did not like the idea of being chained and locked up for the rest of my life. Lets just say I value my freedom allot! Everytime I wanted a smoke I would envision myself chained to that darn machine for the rest of my life. You must understand that at the time cigarette machines were everywhere.

With regard to reoccurring negative thoughts,  I would stop what I am doing and imagine a big red stop sign in my mind. Simultaneously I would open my hand wide and stick it right in front of my face and loudly say STOP!!. Do it as many times as needed. Always interupt whatever your doing. 

As others have said,  try to get out and interact with people, join clubs, and most of all hug those puppies for me.

After sorting out my problems with a therapist years ago,  The anxiety and depression just went away and I no longer needed the medication. And still don't. I have accepted myself for who I am. And that is liberating. I hope this helps in some small way.

Told you I am weird.

I have an appointment with my Doctor tomorrow so I will discuss with him about my depression and see what he suggests? I am willing to try medication right now just to get me out of my way of thinking and feeling depressed all the time. I am going to my families house this weekend just to get out and be with family.  My Dad was asking me what has been wrong lately because he can hear on the phone that something was wrong.  So hopefully just going out with them a few days will help? My puppies need to get out anyway since my parents have 10 acres of land so they absolutely LOVE it there, so they can run around to their hears content   

Thanks though everyone for a lending ear, sometimes just 'venting' or discussing about things like this helps a lot actually.