As a non binary person both in Identity and presentation I seen to have reduced the possibility of being in a loving relationship to almost nothing - not that I had any luck when I was tring to fit in.  Also finding somebody to help me explore what I like - sexually / romantically what ever I've labeled my sexuality as PanRomantic Asexual Lesbian for quite a while.  But as I have never experienced any of the romantic desires / fanticies.  I'm curious if other androgynes have issues with finding people who love them back and how people can find love.  I've tried to get support from a few people I know in real world one the wife of a M2F who has previously been supportive of my identity ( or so it seemed). Has told me that If I choose a side M or F then I'm more likely to find someone.  Then being me.  Has anyone else been in the situation of feeling like it is impossible to find love because you don't fit. Or if anyone has stories of how they found love as being true to themselves.  It would be helpful,  thanks

I have found this area of life the hardest of all.

I am very easy around people and chat and make friends very easily. I find it easier to talk to women and many of my male acquaintances have considered me a bit of a flirt, though I was just being friendly. Yesterday alone I manage to swap twitter/email addresses with a lady I met in a queue and would have swapped facebooks as well if I had one.

That said, I am 27 and have never had a boyfriend or girlfriend, even for the briefest of times and have only had a few sexual encounters, none very long and all of them leaving me with much feeling of pleasure or satisfaction. As comfortable as I now feel with myself, in this area I feel rather diseased, wrong and damaged.

As my younger sister now has a long term, serious boyfriend and my cousins are all marrying up and bringing up children (something I'd love to do) it becomes more glaringly obvious, especially within family circles, that I have never had any of these things and find myself obfuscating to cover up what appears to be a huge hole in the middle of my life.

I try and comfort myself that so many of the people I admire were lifelong bachelors but I can't get away from the fact that my dream life would be as a househusband (and as a male-body, I would be husband to the larger world). I love the idea of making a nice house and picking up kids from school and talking to them about stuff and cooking dinner and doing my writing in the gaps. It's a fantasy, real life would always be harder, but it's what I would like. Maybe both males and females sense that from me and find it off-putting.

Though the crux of the problem may be that I don't know whether I am a boyfriend or a girlfriend, that I am not totally sure as to the meaning of those terms and as I get older it gets harder to approach someone knowing how much catching up I have to do.

On the up side, I do know one person that I could share my life with and it is possible she might be able to share hers with me (we lived together as housemates for a year and it was one of the best experiences of my life) but at the moment all those other things in life; cash, careers, the needs of our families, are keeping us apart. I feel a thrill each time we meet but i find it hard to stay in close contact with her. Our relationship has not been very romantic and certainly not sexual, we used to sit in our jammies on her bed and watch crap telly but I could imagine myself spending my life with her.

There is one other person, a bosom buddy from university. We lived in each other's pockets for two years. However, in the 6 years since we have met up only three times. In each of those three times the meeting was so easy, like we had met up after the distance on an afternoon rather than several years apiece. This could never ben a romantic or sexual relationship though, I know I cramped his style when we went out and although he does swing both ways we are more comrades in arms than any kind of lovers.

Thanks for bringing this up Kinkly, I didn't realise how much it had been playing on my mind until you did.

Kinkly, you're touching on an existential issue facing non-binary folk. It's very affirming to live our life according to the attitude that we're going to present our non-binary-ness regardless of how unusual society thinks it is because they don't get a voice.

But I'm finding that they sorta do get a voice, since doing this seems to limit my social opportunities. If people don't know how to take me, this may make some very nice, worth-knowing, people keep their distance because it makes them uncomfortable.

In a ideal world with widespread acceptance and understanding of non-binary people, I would feel free to give whatever airtime my female parts and male parts look for.

But I'm finding this is not that kind of world, and I am happier when I'm accepted socially, which is kind of forcing me to pick one side and go with it. In my case that looks like it will mean transitioning to a female presentation. Ironically that's actually made my intimate life worse, since it's put even more intimate distance between my wife and me. So maybe I'm not the right person to listen to.

Love and relationships is something I've always struggled with and when I've tried Internet Dating sites they all ask are you M/F and do you want M/F, everybody that I've ever worked up enough guts to ask to be a lover has rejected me.  I'm meeting more people in the local gender diverse community all the time.  but I often doubt I'll ever find someone to be my lover. but I have hope

Quote from: Kinkly on September 23, 2012, 05:03:32 AM
I'm curious if other androgynes have issues with finding people who love them back and how people can find love.

I'm mostly attracted to straight men, and I feel sometimes like every little thing about me further limits my dating options, makes me less attractive to the people I'm attracted to. I'm non-binary, I've had top surgery, I have a chronic illness, I'm shy and quiet, I'm tall and have short hair, I have piercings that some people find gross.

That said, I think my difficulties lie more in my social anxieties and introversion than in my gender. I just hate the process of getting to know new people, of starting from nothing and slowly opening up. Among people I know well, though, I'm very comfortable. In the past, I've picked potential dates out of my group of friends. That worked twice. but currently I don't have any friends I'm interested in, so I'm forced to cast a bit of a wider net.

I'm active on a very binary dating site. The options are M or F, straight, gay, or bi. However, I've discovered a bunch of people who try to get around those categories. People who clarify in their profiles that they are pansexual or simply queer, people who confess to not fitting into the gender binary. They're out there, you just have to weed through a lot of binary profiles to get to them. Because I'm registered as a woman who's interested in men (as well as women (and other people, but there's no option for that)), I have to sift through a lot of unwanted profiles and messages. But I've found, and met, a few people who are very accepting and understanding, and one who's genderqueer themself. (ugh, spellcheck doesn't recognize themself as a word.)

Keep having hope, Kinkly. There are so many people out there.

This is my issue at the moment, although I'm having some trouble with my own identity too. Difficult to find lasting relationships.

I have this as an issue, too... I'm most attracted to queers, especially tomboyish girls and feminine boys. Very much like I am myself. But the men would need to have a gay attitude towards me, and with women I definitely don't want to be the man/ butch in the relationship. These things are often hard to balance.

I've been in love only a few times, and almost always it's been one-sided. But I have had three romantic relationships that were long past dating (and even lived with two of them). I just always return to the problem that I don't feel complete with either men nor women - men can't get their heads around the fact that I don't like them as a straight/bi girl would, and well, I'm not a lesbian either. These may seem to be just labels, but they affect everything in the relationship and are hard to break.

Therefore, if I want a romantic relationship in the future, I'd go for another androgynous and/or queer one like me.

I've always been shy and introverted and fat, so that's probably barrier #1-3 right there.

I was 32 when I met my wife and she was the first person I ever really dated.  I hadn't yet faced my gender issues but they were always in the background, sometimes more buried, sometimes a bit less.  She picked up on it before I ever said anything though, and she found it charming.  When I did start figuring out my gender it was with her support, and her healthier and freer attitude than my own at the time that it really is not a big deal.

Would we have gotten together if I had *looked* more androgynous?  It might have presented problems, especially in terms of her family.  But I'd like to think it wouldn't have been a solid barrier.

Quote from: foosnark on September 27, 2012, 09:09:01 AM
I've always been shy and introverted and fat, so that's probably barrier #1-3 right there.

I was 32 when I met my wife and she was the first person I ever really dated.  I hadn't yet faced my gender issues but they were always in the background, sometimes more buried, sometimes a bit less.  She picked up on it before I ever said anything though, and she found it charming.  When I did start figuring out my gender it was with her support, and her healthier and freer attitude than my own at the time that it really is not a big deal.

Would we have gotten together if I had *looked* more androgynous?  It might have presented problems, especially in terms of her family.  But I'd like to think it wouldn't have been a solid barrier.

Wow.. mirror image of me but i was 37.

So many of us are loney and looking. How about a "loney hearts" area here on S.P.T.R?

Quote from: Joann on September 27, 2012, 10:37:29 AM

So many of us are loney and looking. How about a "loney hearts" area here on S.P.T.R?

I'm  keen who wants to set it up but distance might be an issue.  I don't think there are many people here from my continent (Australia)   

Quote from: Kinkly on September 28, 2012, 01:22:31 AM
I'm  keen who wants to set it up but distance might be an issue.  I don't think there are many people here from my continent (Australia) 

I can think of at least three Ozzys here.
Perhaps such a feature could be good for setting up for pen pals too.
I thought of a little throbbing heart near our avatars
saying "looking for companionship".