Alright, so I started transitioning about a month into my dad's relationship with his wife. I came out as trans, began therapy, and my plan for testosterone around that time. Four months after that, I began testosterone..

His wife has never really known me as (insert birth name here), yet she still calls me it... and refers to me as female pronouns, stating that she's "trying". My dad, someone whom has known me for 22 years, is doing better at changing pronouns and my name(which is now my LEGAL name).

Now, I decided not to harsh on her too much for that.. I let it go. Though, it bothers me, I know that some people are going to need longer to adjust than others. That's fine.

Where I am bothered lies in a facebook message that I received from someone that I don't even know.

It was a nice message(or atleast, it was intended to be), don't get me wrong. However, it went something like this "I work with...(insert step moms name) and she told me about you transitioning. I think it's great. I know a guy, and when I met him his name was 'Jennifer', so I think I could be of some help to you"

First of all, I'm stealth. Knowing that she tells people already bothers me, but the fact that she tells people at work... bothers me even more. She hangs out with the people from work, and by default, my dad hangs out with the people from her work. What if I decide to come to a party that they're hosting and a slew of random strangers know my business? I'm nearly a year on testosterone, and I pass 100 percent and have since 4 months in. Knowing that people KNOW and can out me at any time BOTHERS ME. My dad said he would "talk to her about it"... but really what's the point? The damage is already done! She's already spouted about it to everyone that she works with, and only one decided to message me. I wouldn't have even know had it not been for her message... I could have went to this party... and everyone know, and me not know such.

Am I overreacting? Or is this something that you other guys would be angry about?

I mean it's almost like, damn the fact that I'm about to graduate university with over a 3.5 GPA in Biology, work as a lab tech already, tutor, and teach lower division biology labs. Damn my accomplishments, let's talk about how he used to be a girl...

I don't think you're overreacting.  She's obviously not respecting boundaries of common courtesy.  Would she talk about your physical sexual characteristics if you weren't a trans?  Doubtful.  She seems to think this is fodder for office gossip.  You should certainly make your position and your feelings clear on this.  But - be the better man.  Treat her with the respect that you want her to treat you with.

It has to start somewhere and she obviously doesn't get it and won't until you make a point to educate her.

Good luck!

I don't know. If she says she is trying, then she is trying.

I had a teacher say "he" before a few times. She never knew me as a guy but it got lodged in her brain because she has our student paperwork and I was still legally my male name when I first went onto campus. Something as simple as that caused her to slip.

And trust me, this woman is very open to diversity. She was in tears when I approached her with it.

Now, your step mother may not be in tears but if she said she is trying, I would give her the benefit of the doubt. Unless she rolls her eyes and do other things to make it feel she is just patronizing you.

Changing pronouns and names is very hard...even for a stranger.

You're not overreacting, what she's doing is totally not okay.  I would confront her about it.  You don't need to act angry or anything, just tell her that that's your business and you're not okay with her telling people without your permission.

I had a similar thing with my dad's girlfriend a while ago.  She's really never known me by my old name or as a female, but she occasionally slips up and calls me she.  I asked her to take more care with the pronouns she uses for me and she acted like I was flipping out about it, when I wasn't at all.

I'd actually say that you are under-reacting. I would be too livid to even be able to talk to someone who did this or similar to me. I mean it, this is borderline unforgivable here.

Most people just do not appreciate the fact that being 'out' to the world at large (e.g. perfect strangers knowing) can -still- be very dangerous and even get us killed, should some whackjob get that information and decide to do something about it (for lack of better ways to put it).

So providing you can control your temper better than I would be able to in this situation, you need to sit this woman down and explain it to her. Explain what she did and how it could affect you and your safety (and don't take any protestations to this, MAKE HER listen to you about that). And, I would all but force her to go around to each and every one of those people she outed you too and to tell them that in no uncertain terms is that information leak beyond themselves to yet more people you don't even know and have NO BUSINESS KNOWING in the first place. Might just be enough to stem it from getting way out of hand.

That said, this woman obviously has no respect for you whatsoever. The pronouns I could personally give a pass for (have to, its just the nature of this beast), but to explicitly share a very personal matter with other people at work, as some cheap gossip?! Hell no!

If you really want to drive the point home, ask her if she personally discusses her genitals with the office at large. I think that will be received loud and clear enough. It should, at any rate.

Something similar to this happened to me. A couple of months in to my transition one of my friends met a girl and they started dating, she never knew me as my old name but apparently someone told her what it was and she always made a point of calling me that name and using female pronouns. I corrected her each time and didn't really let it bother me, until one day on facebook a mutual friend tagged my name in their status - and she took it upon herself to reply to this status telling everyone that Nick wasn't my "real name" and telling everyone what my "real name" actually was, like some sort of public service announcement.

I was absolutely furious, I was outed to anyone who happened to see that status. My friend deleted it when I asked him to and I sent the girl a private message telling her that it's not cool to go around outing me and asking her what her problem was. Her response to this was to go and comment on one of my facebook pics where I had a fake beard and post something like "you can't just go around pretending to be a boy, your name is <old name> and it always will be"

Delete, block, unfriend I refused to be polite in her company after that, just blanked her if she tried to talk to me when I saw her out and about.

So tl;dr no I don't think you're overreacting. If you want to tell somebody your business that should be YOUR decision. Even if it wasn't something related to being trans why is she gossiping about you to people at work? Does she have nothing more interesting to talk about? Not cool in any sense of the word.

As soon as I came out to my mum, someone who used my old name everyday for nearly 18 years, she immediatly started using he etc and when I picked a name it was the same. The only time she ever slips up is when we are at a family gathering and somone else is messing up, so I get frustrated by other people who have had plenty of time to get used to it but don't put much effort into getting it right.

I was at a family do that also had loads of my aunts friends there who wouldn't know about me at the first thing one of cousins said to me was my old name really load infront of everyone, at the time I was too shocked to do anything but afterwards I was furious she must have known that that was not a good thing to do and should have made an effort. I would have understood if it was later and she was a bit drunk but she'd only just got their and she outed me to everyone.

You aren't overreacting, If I were you i'd have a good talk with her, it seems to me she doesn't quite understand the problem that come with being outed. Also it's basic manners, if you know someone is uncomfortable with you talking to other people about something you don't.

No I don't. Some people are "trying" and I don't mean attempting.

--Jay J

I'm going to take a slightly different stance on it and say maybe she really is trying. How old is she? I told my grandmother about my transition and she was totally cool with it. She still uses female pronouns and my birth name, but she knows that I am transitioning and supports me. Here is grandma's thing: she's 66. She's an old woman and I certainly won't ask her to rewire her entire brain for me. So, if she is older, it could just be she isn't thinking about it the same way as you.

As for telling people she works with - my grandmother has done it to basically the entire town where she lives. Again, it depends on age. My grandmother was telling people to brag about me and demonstrate how proud she is. She didn't mean anything by it. And take into account where she is from. My family is southern and that is pretty standard in southern country people from small towns. They like to brag about their families. One-upsmanship is pretty standard in small Kentucky towns, and grandma pretty much got the trump card with me. At least you got a message that was supportive, so maybe she is exercising caution in who she tells. Maybe she is telling people she thinks can help support you.

So that is my take. She probably isn't looking at it from the same perspective as you. Try talking to her and understanding her motives. She could have just been trying to help.

In regards to being stealth, I don't even know how feasible it is in your area, since I don't know the size and population for you. But my rule would be "three may keep a secret if two of them are dead." Even if you want to me stealth, living in the same area as family and having them know already makes stealth more difficult to keep up. I don't care how great someones parents are with their transition - they are not going to throw away the baby books and they shouldn't be asked to. So try to understand that folks do slip up, even if they have a great track record. My husband still slips and he supports me 200% - pronouns get lodged in our brains pretty firmly.

Ok - I don't think you are over reacting. I think, as a prior poster pointed out - the people who do not use new names and new pronouns do so because at some level they believe that changing sex/gender is 'unnatural' ( you will always be a  - fill in blank). what they do not understand is that it is not UP TO THEM to define 'normal', 'acceptable', etc.

That said, you and your father need to talk with her - if she wanted to change her vocab - she could - we all do it, at least mostly - and we sure don't spread it around the office.

Now another alarming issue - news alert - 66 IS NOT THAT OLD!!! i know 66 year olds who run marathons - own there own businesses - parent grand kids full time. please do not think 66 is nursing home material. However - if you are under thirty - I totally see how you could think that way. Decades ago I used to think that way too. However, now that I am closer to 60 than to 20 - I see things differently.

I don't think you're overreacting.  I understand it can be really hard to get to grips with the whole name/pronouns issue (which is one reason why I personally choose to let that slide), but spreading gossip round the office isn't trying.  It's overstepping the bounds of decent social behaviour.

Gossiping about someone's genital configuration is unacceptable no matter whether the person is cis, trans, or whatever.

Quote from: Hayzer12 on September 27, 2012, 10:56:16 AM
His wife has never really known me as (insert birth name here), yet she still calls me it... and refers to me as female pronouns, stating that she's "trying".

This, to me, is the big red flag. I understand that it's hard to get the pronouns right after years of calling you "she." I know that the name change can be hard--women who change their names when they marry face something like that all the time. But if she has only known you for a short while, has "never really known" you by the old name and is using it, AND is using the female pronouns...I can't see the whole picture, obviously, but it sounds like someone who is going out of her way to paint you as a girl.

And I strongly suggest that you nicely confront her about her gossiping, even if you think it's too late to undo the damage. She can do even more damage if she keeps flapping her gums. I expect that you'll feel better after talking to her.

Frankly, I would go ballistic if I found out that some friend of mine was telling all of her coworkers about me without getting permission. That goes for relatives, too.

Quote from: henrytwob on September 27, 2012, 07:58:12 PM

Now another alarming issue - news alert - 66 IS NOT THAT OLD!!! i know 66 year olds who run marathons - own there own businesses - parent grand kids full time. please do not think 66 is nursing home material. However - if you are under thirty - I totally see how you could think that way. Decades ago I used to think that way too. However, now that I am closer to 60 than to 20 - I see things differently.

It's the new 56?
This is true. I've seen a lot on youtube-- and sometimes the grandparents get it faster than the parents. I'd guess the problem is more religious conservatism or something like that than age. It could also be a newer idea to some over 65 than others.

--Jay J

Quote from: henrytwob on September 27, 2012, 07:58:12 PM
Now another alarming issue - news alert - 66 IS NOT THAT OLD!!! i know 66 year olds who run marathons - own there own businesses - parent grand kids full time. please do not think 66 is nursing home material. However - if you are under thirty - I totally see how you could think that way. Decades ago I used to think that way too. However, now that I am closer to 60 than to 20 - I see things differently.

Uh... I wasn't saying 66 is nursing home material. My point was things were different when my grandmother was younger and maybe age could have something to do with it. For the record my grandmother is raising a 16 year old, runs a backhoe and bulldozing business with my grandfather, manages 2 acres of gardens, hunts, fishes, breaks horses and is overall more active than 20 year olds I know. I was simply commenting that she grew up in a different era and location. My grandmother had never met a gay man until she was 30. Like I said, my grandmother doesn't think about trans issues the same way as some people because she is from the country and has lived there her whole life. She is like my mother, she raised me, is the one person I trust over anyone else and I have nothing but respect for her. So, I would thank you not to assume that I was saying my grandmother is an invalid, needs to be carted off to a nursing home or somehow needs to be treated special.

*Edit: I took a bit to cool down, and I wanted to apologize for getting snippy. I was raised pretty family oriented and for that area family is everything. I had that put into my head as a kid. On top of that, Gramma is the only person in the family that supports me and she has been getting a lot of hell from my family for it. I am a little sensitive when it comes to her, because she happily takes the abuse for no other reason than I'm her grandson. To make it clear, I used Gramma as an example because she doesn't think about pronouns so much. She calls me her grandson, but sometimes throws out "she" without thinking about it because she grew up in an area where any variant behavior was not really allowed to continue. She uses female pronouns without meaning any harm and when she catches herself she puts a dollar in a jar. She calls her "I f****d up money" and she said its to buy me a suit after I have my surgery.

I'm sorry henry. I shouldn't have gotten up in arms like that.
*end edit*

I was simply saying maybe it wasn't as nefarious as people would assume, and that different generations have different ways of thinking about it. Yes, being upset is okay, but assuming that she is doing it to hurt you may be wrong is not giving her the benefit of the doubt. Talking about it before jumping to conclusions is the best way to handle it. It hurts less people that way and can clear up situations faster than dwelling on them.

She's not respecting you. I don't think you're overreacting at at all. Have you thought about talking to her yourself?

Ayden, I agree re: being a different generation. OTOH, Remember that a good many people of that age also were involved in civil rights, smoked pot, and did all sorts of crazy things. I think the implication is: she can do better and should do better. And YOU deserve better from her.

--Jay J

yeah the whole 'trying' thing is b.s. especially if they call you she more then he or the same with your name. one my mom got it she really got it after 4 months she was really good and thats my mom who knew me for 15 years before that.

You definitely need to talk to her and set boundaries. You can't rely on  your dad to intervene from the sound of it. If she can't respect your boundaries, then remove her form your life. She's a hazard.

The 'trying' thing is really a hard one. I had a friend that went from only using my birth name and wrong pronouns claiming she was trying, but then in a day or two she started calling me my name and using male pronouns. I was really thinking about dropping her because I didn't think she meant what she was saying at all.

She could just want you gone and is doing it on purpose.  Second wives often don't want the kids - particularly the adult ones -  from the first marriage around.  She wants her and hubby to have a new life and your part of the old one, its a reminder that she might not want.