So to make this forum post perfectly clear, I am having trouble figuring out If I may have gender Identity disorder; for simple facts and my personal thoughts, I do feel like something isn't right. I came to this forum hoping that I could get others personal opinions, thoughts and comments; I do know in the end everything boils down to my own decision
So here we go. I am on this forum because I feel something is missing about me. Well, I have always felt strangely odd growing up and even now. A few months back my boyfriend brought up the thought that I may have gender identity disorder. To be simply blunt I don't remember a time i liked my body, admire my body, had self esteem or even self confidence; I suffer greatly from social anxiety as well as negative thinking patterns that seem to be .. now my normal mentality about everything. (onward to my ideas though ^^ )
(Please know this is simply off the top of my head and I may miss some things)
~As a Child~ (Elementary School Level)
I always had guy friends, the only girl friends I had were 2 girls that they themselves did mostly guy related things (like playing football and tag) most of the girls in my school wanted to sit around and talk about guys and make-up and I didn't; I was always out playing football, playing tag and fighting and wrestling with the boys (as stated above) I simply just got along better with guys and girls that were tomboys. - My dad would openly let me pick out what clothes I wanted to wear; since my mom and dad split at my tender age of 1 he would always try and make up for his mistakes; with him letting me express my clothing I would always go for the boys section, always picking out baggy T-shirts and Jynco Jeans; along with that I would often find myself wearing boxers under my jeans. -During my young age, I didn't play with barbies, I chose hotwheels, Pokemon, Video Games (started playing at the age of 4) model cars, and Action figures (pokemon, digimon, Dragon Ball Z ect.) - I had tried countless times to stand and pee, I don't exactly remember why I would do it; but I know it was after my first health class in 4th grade - I developed early for my age, already wearing a size A cup by the time I hit 4th grade; in turn I wore big clothing and even slouched to try and hide my boobs from the kids that would make fun of me.
-6th Grade thru 12th grade (highschool)-
At this time I continued dressing like a boy, more so once I hit highschool and my mother kinda let go of her hold on me; I began shopping at hot topic, buying big clothes and over-all trying my hardest to hide my chest. (which was hard as by the time i hit 7th grade I was DD Cup) I still got along better with guys at it seemed I could associate more with them. - At one point I noticed that I always seemed to go up againts guys, like I wouldn't even give a second thought about if I could get hurt, but I always seemed to challenge them and not afraid to take them on, but when it would be girls, I would calm down and felt I wasn't allowed to hit. Even when I got jumped at a young age I just walked away from the fight and let them beat on me.
-After 8th grade I became a Hermit, this is when my social anxiety really started to kick in - I always referred to myself as "more of a guy than a girl" my mom would get mad and Say "No, your a Tom Boy" in her futual attempts; my dad on the other hand said "your the son I never had" along with all that, I was raised by all my guy cousins. - I started to develop a deeper type voice, and I even would get random black hairs on my chin and half way down my neck, I walk like im stocky (Even still to this day I walk as if im stocky, but I do have DDD cup currently) my Mannerisms are that of a guy, and extremely competitive when it comes to sports and video Games.
~Age 18 to Current~
I am still to this day weird about my body; I have been with my mate for 2 years now and still don't like him seeing me naked; I don't admire myself in the mirror and personally never have admired myself; I still have no self confidence, no self esteem and I suffer from Social anxiety, stress and depression (was accepted into Therapy for it, but got busy and had to stop) I am never completely happy; there is always a sadness within my happiness. My sex drive has went downhill ever since I made a character on SecondLife that is a Hermaphrodite; meaning I won't cuddle, start sex, and I don't like my mate touching me even in a playful flirty way (basically I have become someone that I don't even know)- I still refer to myself as more of a Guy, and continue to wear baggy clothes and jeans that are not too tight (at least 2 sizes too big for me) My mannerism are still that of a guy.
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Okay so that's off the top of my head. Those are the reasons my boyfriend asked one day "what if you wanted a penis" I actually stopped and thought about it; he told me most people don't stop and wonder about having opposite sex genitals. From there he told me we should get me a strap on; I was againts it, but finally after 2 months I decided to get one; when I put it on and looked down ... I smiled. Yes, I smiled, I then sauntered into the bathroom and struck a pose while I was naked admiring myself. Later that night, I initiated Sex and the foreplay and was generally extremely giddy and not uptight (uptight meaning i normally get angry at any jokes) but no, I was making sexual jokes at what I already called "my penis" not "the strap on" We were trying to figure out maybe it was just a fetish, but I wore it for 2 hours around the house knowing that sex wasn't going to present itself anytime soon. On top of that, I had never been so aroused in my life from just looking at my boyfriend touching "my penis" he said he remembers looking down to actually seeing my clit fully erect and sticking about 2mm out from under my hood; which I never even knew could happen. (sorry if that was too graphic)
So...sorry for the long entry. I really don't know if I could have gender identity disorder or not; the thing that confuses me is I don't even want to go full guy, it's like I just feel like my body needs a penis; almost like I am in touch with my girl side, but my boy side doesn't have any way to show; I am not even sure if there are women who keep their upper parts and get their genitals changed. Anywho! YES! Comments, thoughts... anything would be so helpful! <3 Thank You!
