I am in school right now
I have 2 younger brothers
and an older sister
I live with both parents
I want to go to Harvard and become a doctor or lawyer
dont know which yet
but today I dont know what happened
but I had a mental brake down
and found myself clawing at my hand till it bleed
so not a great way to start off the day

Quote from: zelda on September 30, 2012, 01:33:14 PM
I am in school right now
I have 2 younger brothers
and an older sister
I live with both parents
I want to go to Harvard and become a doctor or lawyer
dont know which yet
but today I dont know what happened
but I had a mental brake down
and found myself clawing at my hand till it bleed
so not a great way to start off the day

Hi zelda sweetie,
I'm sorry you are hurting. Please tell your mom and dad so they can help you get help.
It doesn't mean you are crazy but it does mean that you are holding a lot of pain inside. Sometimes when we don't deal with the emotional pain that we are carrying, our minds will turn it into physical pain and in a strange way it gives some relief by distracting from the emotional pain. But that isn't a good solution; you deserve to feel better.
I'm glad you've got a family and have got bright hopes for your future. I think your intelligence and your kind heart would make you a great doctor or attorney.
I went to Princeton and have friends who went to Harvard; it is a great school, and very supportive of LGBT students. Princeton was recently rated in the top 5 schools in the US for LGBT support, but I think Harvard was up there too.
Please take the time to breathe and to be kind to yourself. Sometimes you have to just put yourself in a safe place and kind of be your own nurse or parent: it is ok to break down a little, just don't take it out on yourself. There is nothing wrong with you-- who you are is a beautiful person to be. It just takes longer than some people to fully grow into your self and all of your potential.
If you don't have a journal or diary I would suggest you start one, so you can give yourself a place to share your feelings and your dreams. Some people when they write in their journal, they imagine a loving and kind person who fully accepts them, and they write to that person. For me, it was my future self, who I met once when I was 15 and struggling terribly, so I used to write to her and it did help some.
Hugs,
Maddie

what I cantnot exspress on the out side because of my family
I hide it in side of me
waiting for the day I may go to college
and be able to be free
where I may change

Quote from: zelda on September 30, 2012, 06:37:03 PM
what I cantnot exspress on the out side because of my family
I hide it in side of me
waiting for the day I may go to college
and be able to be free
where I may change

You have a beautiful way of expressing yourself. You should really consider writing.

what do you mean by that statement

Quote from: zelda on September 30, 2012, 08:08:39 PM
what do you mean by that statement

Zelda, I mean that the way you express yourself seems very poetic. I don't know if you've ever written poetry or creative writing, but if you haven't you might look into it.

Sometimes it is when we start writing about our feelings that we learn we have a talent for self-expression and writing.

ya I see that
I only right when needed tho
I can do it really well and easily
but I dont do it in my free time
I like writing tho
but not that much
to use my free time doing it

today I found myself clawing my hand until it bled again
and I then cried all through 7th period

O but I did start a diary today

Quote from: zelda on October 01, 2012, 05:19:01 PM
today I found myself clawing my hand until it bled again
and I then cried all through 7th period

O but I did start a diary today

I'm glad you've started writing zelda -- my diary has saved my life (not to mention my sanity!) more than once. I hope it helps you get in the habit of listening to your own best self because she is someone who is very special and is worth loving and listening to.

Do you know why you were crying? Is there anything you want to talk about?
Hugs,
Maddie

I never know the exsact reasons for me crying
but I know those reasons always
come down to me being trapped in this
body

there is always stuff I want to talk about
I just have trouble finding the right people to share with

Quote from: zelda on October 02, 2012, 05:15:51 AM
I never know the exsact reasons for me crying
but I know those reasons always
come down to me being trapped in this
body

there is always stuff I want to talk about
I just have trouble finding the right people to share with

I am very familiar with that feeling. It gets better when we let ourselves believe that our time will come when our bodies will be the way we need them to be. It will come for you, and I'm sure it won't take as many years as it did for me. Every day is a day closer to the realization of your dreams. Even the really bad days, you just have to get through them, and try to be kind to yourself and to the suffering people around you because they are struggling too.
Hugs,
Maddie

im thinking of running for prom queen this year
what you people think of that

Quote from: zelda on October 03, 2012, 05:42:21 PM
im thinking of running for prom queen this year
what you people think of that

I think there have been 3 or 4 transgender prom queens in the US and Canada in the last two years, and a couple of transgender prom kings. It all depends on your personality and how many friends and supporters you have at your school. At some schools, queens and kings get elected as couples, so then it depends on the popularity of your boyfriend or running mate as well.

ya I though of that
and thats where I have a problem right now
but at the moment I have plenty of time to fix the problem

Please try to be patient with yourself, and with your family too. Everybody grows and learns at their own speed, so try to remember that you are precious and that you have all the time in the world to grow into your best self. I know it feels like the world will end if you can't get your way now, but it doesn't end, it only gets better and better if you hang in there and learn how to make it work for you. Hugs,
Maddie

Quote from: zelda on October 03, 2012, 05:42:21 PM
im thinking of running for prom queen this year
what you people think of that

Are you "out" at school, zelda?  If you are not, you will be.
What do your friends think about that?
And maybe, most importantly, have you thought about a prom dress?

This one is nice:

O
very pretty dress
LOVE IT
I am somewhat out at shcool
some people know
some people dont know
I am ready to be out
I just need my parents behind me all the way
but at the moment I am at war with them
declaring war with them cost me 12 cuts
which is alot high than what I usaul get
and recently I started clawing

Zelda, I looked and looked for something like your avatar, and that was the closest I could get.

If you are going to the prom as your real self, and you don't want to have to wear opera gloves, you need to stop the cutting and clawing.

Your cutting is a way to deal with your emotional pain.  I understand where you are at right now.  You should not have to wait to go to college to be able to express yourself.

BTW - can you tell me a little bit about your avatar?  She is so pretty.

I will stop cutting eventually
one day
I will be hapy
one day
I will be free

Quote from: zelda on October 06, 2012, 02:00:58 PM
I will stop cutting eventually
one day
I will be hapy
one day
I will be free

Having gotten to know you, I have confidence in that. I hope you will celebrate each small victory along the way, and learn how to be as kind to yourself as I know you are to the people you love. Victory is one moment, one hour, one day at a time, learning the thoughts and feelings that trigger you hurting yourself or shutting down, and learning how to catch them and redirect. Dodge, riposte, evade, resist. Then you string more of them together as you get better at being free inside.

Quote from: Jamie D on October 06, 2012, 01:18:10 AM
Zelda, I looked and looked for something like your avatar, and that was the closest I could get.

If you are going to the prom as your real self, and you don't want to have to wear opera gloves, you need to stop the cutting and clawing.

Your cutting is a way to deal with your emotional pain.  I understand where you are at right now.  You should not have to wait to go to college to be able to express yourself.

BTW - can you tell me a little bit about your avatar?  She is so pretty.

Seeing the dress Jamie suggested really makes me want to start sewing again! I was quite a seamstress when I was younger; we were poor so I helped my mom sew clothes, dresses, dolls, toys, curtains, whatever we needed we made it (or found it at clearance sales and second hand shops). I always had a better sense for colors and fashion than my mom did, but she had endless energy and motivation, so we were a great team. My sisters learned but didn't like to sew, though two of my nieces are just like me in the crafting department. I never went to my prom because I was in the closet (though most people knew I was queer or "weird") and I just didn't feel right going as a boy when I so wanted to design and wear my own gown! I told my wife if we renew our wedding vows, I'm going to sew my own dress this time.