Had to add this ahead of my post, since I kind of typed this for my own therapy, and it's just venting the sadness after a shopping today.  ..........

Went shopping and found three beautiful tops and a real nice gray twill cap at the Outlet Stores in Vacaville (west of Sacramento).  It was a fantastic day and it felt great to just walk through the stores to see what they had on clearance.  Finished up early and headed home to get some yard work done, but I first ran upstairs to try on my new clothes. 

I wanted so much for the clothes to look good.  Yes they fit, but I just looked so ugly in the mirror I broke down and cried.  But after a short time laying in bed everything I bought got neatly folded and put away.  Then I cried a little more.

There are just too many years that testosterone had to destroy this body, and fixing it seems so far off.   After getting online and reading a few of these threads I calmed down and told myself again that even if I never look quite right, or never really pass, I will still feel more complete every day of my life from now on.  And to paraphrase what was said in another thread today ... my clothes and appearance don't reflect the real me right now, and may not for a long time.  So, no matter what, I'm not going to allow how I look to stop my transition.

For the last 4 hours I've been agonizing about how to get on with this.  After going to Michigan in a couple weeks, and getting back in November, I had planned to come out to the rest of the family, and doing some dressed outings.  This seems so impossible now.  Very androgynous clothes and sandals are kind of acceptable, and actually look o.k. up to a certain point.  It's wearing something more feminine that just doesn't work.  My partly bald head is ugly, my face is ugly, and my still fat body is ugly.  I guess I'll just have to get use to it.   

This last month has been incredibly stressful.  Between a possilble divorce, and the anxiety over coming out to everyone, the stress just doesn't go away.  I don't know what to ask anyone on the forum, or if there's even anything to ask you.  But thank you for listening.

Kathy

Hugs Honey,

I know what it is like I can assure you. But it does get better, if you are too balding get a nice wig, and pluck up the courage to go to a shop for getting it fitted. Only you see ugly, no one else knows the woman you are and they will see the woman not the ugly. The most gorgeous woman in the world complain about their looks, it comes with the territory.

How to keep going?

You keep talking to your sisters, Hi

That's what girls do, they talk to their friends, and that's what we are.

You realise there is no way back into misery, there is only a way forward to happiness. Every step forward is a positive.

OK you may never look like a movie starlet, but guess what? Very few people do. You will look like a normal average woman. And guess what? That is what most women are.

What do I do in these situations of self doubt and worry? Well I use to hide under the bed clothes and hope to die. That didn't seem to be very productive. So now every set back is met with a challenge.

I doubt myself. Well I get off my sorry ass and go for a walk through the shopping centre wearing nice feminine clothes. Get used to it I tell myself. I'm a woman I do this because I'm a woman and I can. I go to the gym wearing a feminine work out outfit. I'm a woman I can wear nice clothes at the gym.  Go to a big retail store and look at pretty clothes, you don't have to buy them, I can't afford to But I can look and try them on. Yes. Try them on. Go to the change room and try them on. Woman do that.

What does this do? It builds confidence. Woman do all of those things all the time. It is totally normal, you have to ingrain your self into being a normal woman. You can be whoever you wish of course, but try to get into the mindset of being a normal woman.

And then, all of a sudden. You are.

And never, never, never accept a set back. You are you, you are beautiful and you deserve the respect that all woman deserve. Don't accept anything less no matter what set backs come, they are there to make you stronger.

Hugs

Cindy

firstly
♥♥♥ a big hug  ♥♥♥

am sorry about what your going through and I can sympathize with you since even andro-mode looks the best I could do right now...

as for being bald - in the last 1 and half years I had shaved my head twice out of depression and that only made me more upset.
however, whoever said you can't be bald and beautiful is wrong and has never seen these women:











just google 'beautiful bald women':  https://www.google.co.in/search?q=beautiful+bald+women&hl=en&client=firefox-a&hs=OQm&rls=org.mozilla:en-GB:official&prmd=imvns&tbm=isch&tbo=u&source=univ&sa=X&ei=9CxxUM2MN4_jrAe0z4CoAw&ved=0CCEQsAQ&biw=1600&bih=790
and you would find more

don't let being bald affect your spirits and if you are worried if your hair ever comes back yes with HRT and with hair your hair should come back but it takes time hon, don't give up hang in there.

we are all here for you. You need to hang in there and be yourself

We are the biggest critics of ourselves - don't give up hope - hang in there!

believe in yourself and be true to yourself and give yourself the love and hope that you deserve.

Unless i look in the mirror I don't see myself so how I look is not a problem really.  As others didn't seem to be interested in me when I really needed help, I don't really care what people other than my friends think.  My friends all know me for the woman inside, so no problem there either.
It passes eventually, especially once you can work out your own personal style.  For me it is 60's Mod, and so what if it is 2012.

Karen.

Hey Kathy,
I think one of the most difficult things about transition is knowing when the right time to go full time is. Like how long do you give it? You feel this urge to live life as you know you should but it feels like hrt, voice, body, family, friends, etc. aren't ready. I think it's really a matter of figuring out your goals with going full time. If your goal is to never get sirred and only be seen as female, then maybe take more time, present andro, let stuff happen to your body and do it later. Think of it like necessary preparation time or something. If you don't really care about how other people see you and want to jump out there now, maybe try to be easy on yourself and give yourself room to present however you want instead of forcing full time on yourself. The key, I think, is DON'T make yourself miserable with the transition. If it takes 3 years to go full time but you'll feel confident, happy, and in a much better place, do it. It's better than feeling sad and depressed every day but your expectations aren't matching up with reality. Don't get too caught up in whether clothes you are buying fit you right, there are lots of different styles and patterns and stuff. Some of them you'll always need to stay away from no matter what, others you'll flock to You can do this, don't get too upset and make sure you are focusing on several years in the future too Meghan

Quote from: MeghanAndrews on October 07, 2012, 09:16:04 AM
If your goal is to never get sirred and only be seen as female, then maybe take more time, present andro, let stuff happen to your body and do it later.

I think my goal is to be able to stand living day to day. I think my transition will not depend on whether I will pass (I'm hoping for the best but I'm not assuming I ever will) but whether I can stand people seeing me as a self-identified male.

I say work on the things you can control right now.  First, I doubt you're ugly.  But if you're looking for the woman you are in the mirror but only see the male features, look at the features that "aren't" male.  We all have some traits that are beautiful about us.  Maybe eyes, maybe, lashes, maybe it's a cute dimple when you smile.  There's always something to take comfort in.  And as the hormones work on you the woman will present herself more (and a lot is how you carry and present yourself IMO).

You also mentioned being overweight.  I can sympathize with this as I've struggled with my weight for years.  I've never been fat but I'm genetically predisposed towards having a beer belly (yeah me!).  I've been working my butt off for months sweating nearly every day to bring the weight down and to burn the fat off - and it's working.  You have to give yourself small achievable goals and work towards those.  As you build confidence with those work towards more difficult goals.  I noticed a lot of changes in my face as the fat's come off.  I still look like a guy, but I look like a more attractive and younger healthy guy now (not an old fat guy).

And at least you can go on shopping trips and buy and wear the things you want.  I'm stuck in the middle east in the military for a few more months - try feeling pretty in a unisex uniform with a "butch" haircut!  (meaning it could be worse).

BTW, I'm also from Sactown.  If you like we could have coffee sometime when i get back if you need a girlfriend to talk to.  (I'm going through many of the same family and life things and I'm a good listener).

- Sage

Well, it seems to me some sort of a double whammy, to transition and then to "look good" and all passable... too.
This is not only one nasty issue to deal with for YOU... but most of 'us' as we have/had to find ways to get on with it too. Hardly any exceptions – is my best guess.

I don't know how I did just now wind up with Monica Bellucci's images... and OH what a beautiful body she HAD, include her face, look at those pictures – (of old).

Now she is pushing 50 (I am 66, not sure of your age) and look what happens... it's not only T that takes it's toll - it is our age of course so much as well.

Just imagine what one of those celebrated beauties will have to go through when 'transitioning' from super-duper body to a middle-aged one
It may be enough wanting you contemplate to 'check out'!

So, it is not just YOUR issue. It simply isn't - saying it I hope helps you (it helps ME too)

There is some very good advice in those earlier posts - look at them! Than look some more and then pick your path.

We're ALL with you here... most of us 'late beauty queens'

Axélle

Thanks girls.  Just some down-in-the-dumps days, but they will pass.  Seeing the GT this week also, so that'll give me a chance to talk things out. 

Had a group session a few days ago, and my confidence was so high that maybe it lead me to think I could get ready for .... ?   Who knows what I was really thinking when the need for new clothes popped into my head, but it must have been something real stupid.  On top of feeling low, I also kinda blew my clothing budget on things I can't wear yet, and who knows when that day will come along. 

Anyway, I'll be fine.  Just have to get back to reality, and stay with this snails pace transition.
And hi Axelle.  I'm going to change my profile to include my age.  Turned 61 in July, but mentally I'm still 30. 

Love you all.

Kathy

Kathy and Sage, it looks like the three of us greater Sac. girls should get together one day soon!

We all seem to have similar issues and perhaps the comfort of having gotten to know each other here first will help if we can sit down and visit in "3D", just talking face to face with people who truly understand could be a good thing

Sage and Michelle.  That'd be nice.  I'm off to Michigan for a few weeks and should be back the first week of November.  I can easily plan around the few days when I have something else scheduled.

Kathy

It's looking like I won't be back in town until early/mid February.  I'll give you both a shout out when I get settled back in.

Hi Kathy,
      You needn't feel alone hon, there are a lot of us late bloomers here. Although I've had some facial work done, upper eyes and neck lift, I still look like my dad in the face, that and the fact that I don't like my own looks and a personal need for certain anonymity has everything to do with why I refrain from posting my facial photo.

Hi Kathy,
      You needn't feel alone hon, there are a lot of us late bloomers here. Although I've had some facial work done, upper eyes and neck lift, I still look like my dad in the face, that and the fact that I don't like my own looks and a personal need for certain anonymity has everything to do with why I refrain from posting my facial photo. It also has a lot of bearing as to why I stopped my transition just short of SRS and have opted to present as androgynous rather than go full-time as a woman. It is what it is, and I am what I am, I have to deal with my own reality. I'm not disappointed or sad over it and have come to the place where I feel at peace and am content and comfortable in my skin.

Quote from: SageFox on October 07, 2012, 12:35:17 PM
It's looking like I won't be back in town until early/mid February.  I'll give you both a shout out when I get settled back in.

Well...we will just have to put together a little "welcome home" meeting then

Quote from: Michelle G on October 07, 2012, 02:43:47 PM
Well...we will just have to put together a little "welcome home" meeting then

That'll work. 

K

Quote from: kathy b on October 07, 2012, 01:41:09 AM
I wanted so much for the clothes to look good...
There are just too many years that testosterone had to destroy this body, and fixing it seems so far off.

Right there with you. Sometimes I hate shopping for clothes, but then I keep doing it anyway... Half the stuff out there makes me think "Yeah I wish I could wear stuff like that..." I don't really care about being a model or anything. I'm an engineer, beauty is not required, but it would be nice (and make life much easier) to at least live in a body that was shaped properly.

Quote from: Pinkfluff on October 07, 2012, 08:15:38 PM
Right there with you. Sometimes I hate shopping for clothes, but then I keep doing it anyway... Half the stuff out there makes me think "Yeah I wish I could wear stuff like that..." I don't really care about being a model or anything. I'm an engineer, beauty is not required, but it would be nice (and make life much easier) to at least live in a body that was shaped properly.

Ahh ... so engineering is my problem.   I was a Surveyor and later became an Assistant Eng.  I guess if I'd remained a surveyor I could have been pretty now.   
But you have it exactly right about shopping and buying anyway.  And too many new, and nearly new clothes have ended up at Goodwill.