Great thread girls;

I remember from bitter experience from a young age of "knowing" but denying. At the Age of just 12 I was discovered by friends dressing in their daughters underwaear. My Mum was in hospital at that time and my father very strict. Of course at that time no one understood Transgendered. So I was sent to a Physciatrist who prposcribed electric shock therapy to rid me of these feelings!. Of course it never worked as I had known from an early age that there was something different about me. But I then learnt to hide my true feelings, to hide away my femaleness. I must have gone though a dozen purges before meeting some Transexual s and understanding the words. By the time i was in my 20's, GIC Charing cross was up and running, but back then if you wanted approval, you had to coonform to their sterotype of a "real" woman. No trousers, no slacks, very feminine outfits and  I soon learnt that there was a sewt of things you had to say and do if you ever wanted  HRT.

The GIC put me through the ringer. Then one day I met Russel Reid. On my second appointment he told me he also took on private patients in Readsing noting that I was a professional person - and of course could afford the private route. From then there was no more "ltying" or bending the truth as he treated me as a human being . He listened too my fears, my needs and concerns and was incredibly supportive of me.



I was horiffied to hear the GMC  had him up on charges and I wrote a long letter to the GMC in support of this wonderful man.
Hugs'

Judith Lynn

Quote from: Padma on October 10, 2012, 02:19:12 AM
It took me 25 years after first realising I was supposed to be female before I felt safe enough to do something about it. And then I questioned myself for a while after starting to visit trans forums, because my Story didn't fit the Standard Revised Version that I was seeing a lot, the "I knew since I was potty trained, played with dolls, wanted to be a princess" history that seemed dominant - until I got here and found more diversity - and watched She's A Boy I Knew.

My "Oh, *that's* what's always been going on!* has been retrospective, and my life only made sense to me after looking back 50 years. I never cross-dressed in the way people would normally understand this - but that's because the women I always wanted to be like were all trouser-wearing adventuresses . I've basically been a closet dyke all my life, so it didn't show very clearly...

My "looking-back" has been cautious, since I know it's easy to reinterpret memories, or even rewrite them (I repressed abuse for years before it was safe to remember). But an obsession since childhood with trans stories is not in question. I always knew I was female, and I always knew it wasn't safe to know that until later.

The whole "validity" thing can sting - I often get people who, when they hear that I was abused, ask "do you think this was the cause of your gender issues?" like they need to find a reason for it to be unreal. I have to explain patiently that it's more the other way round - I was abused partially as a consequence of being gender-ambiguous.

I don't know all the details of my past, it's been too long - but I know that as soon as I began taking estrogen, something in me that had never, ever relaxed was able to sit down for the first time ever in the seat of me. That's all I need to know.

And see, I've just written this in some way to justify myself - it's hard not to do that, having been brought up not to consider myself a valid person. A lot of trans people have difficult pasts to deal with alongside their present.

Make it 30 years instead of 25, and you've told my story for me. Thanks Padma for sharing it. In my case, I couldn't allow myself to remember my gendered past without working through the amnesia caused by abuse first, not that more doesn't come up as part of the ongoing healing processes since then.

Quote from: MadelineB on October 10, 2012, 02:32:08 AM
Make it 30 years instead of 25, and you've told my story for me. Thanks Padma for sharing it. In my case, I couldn't allow myself to remember my gendered past without working through the amnesia caused by abuse first, not that more doesn't come up as part of the ongoing healing processes since then.

Yes, that's been a price I'm (willingly) paying too - the only way to a whole self is through seeing it all, and some of it hurts a lot. I've been having to face exactly why it wasn't safe to be female as a child (and I have huge gratitude for the "male" me who tried to protect me from what was happening). But doing this is what's setting me free to be my own true self. So it goes - healing sometimes requires the rebreaking of bones. My dastardly revenge on my abusers is to become a better and happier person than they were .

Quote from: Jayne on October 09, 2012, 12:47:02 PM
I told my therapist that I always knew something was different, when I was about 8 I realised that I enjoyed playing with girls toys but at that age I thought the desire to be a girl meant I was gay, at that age in the 80's we had no internet so I had no clue that transpeople existed.

It wasn't until I was in my teens that I learnt that there was such thing as a transperson & I instantly knew that was me.
It's very difficult not to project my adult perspective on my childhood memories, maybe some people aren't lying & it's just that it's very confusing trying to sort out these feelings & emotions

I've just re-read my post & thought I should clarify, the last line makes it read like i'm saying some people are lying, it was badly worded.
The point I was aiming at is it's difficult to say what I thought at an early age, i'm sure memories get muddled up due to perspective changing with age, Did I really understand my desire to be one of the girls at 7 or 8 yrs old? Or am I projecting my newfound acceptance of my trans status on my childhood memories?
It's hard to say for sure as childhood was very confusing when I didn't feel comfortable with who I was & I was surrounded by a homophobic family so had to keep everything hidden.

I'm still not too happy with my answer but it's about the closest i've come so far to what i'm thinking

Quote from: Jayne on October 10, 2012, 03:35:54 AM
I've just re-read my post & thought I should clarify, the last line makes it read like i'm saying some people are lying, it was badly worded.
The point I was aiming at is it's difficult to say what I thought at an early age, i'm sure memories get muddled up due to perspective changing with age, Did I really understand my desire to be one of the girls at 7 or 8 yrs old? Or am I projecting my newfound acceptance of my trans status on my childhood memories?
It's hard to say for sure as childhood was very confusing when I didn't feel comfortable with who I was & I was surrounded by a homophobic family so had to keep everything hidden.

I'm still not too happy with my answer but it's about the closest i've come so far to what i'm thinking

Makes sense to me. I don't really know who I was at a young age either, but I remember how I felt sometimes, and what I did sometimes, and there are some obvious clues in there. I know my obsessive fascination with Amelia Earhart from when I was around 7 was significant, for example .

My childhood obsession was Elizibeth the star child in V. From the point she went into a cocoon as a child & came out as a beautiful young woman I would go to bed praying i'd go into a cocoon state & emerge as a woman.
I'm 37 now & that childish wish still comes back to haunt me, all I have to do is pull the duvet over my head whilst trying to get to sleep & the memory of wrapping myself in my bedsheets as a child pretending it was my cocoon returns.

My first exposure to possibility was around 6, when I read The Marvellous Land of Oz, at the end of which the boy Tip gets transformed (back) into Princess Ozma - who I always imagined to be a kickass princess, not a frilly one . It always made me cry when, after her transformation, this happens:

Speaking the words with sweet diffidence, she said:
"I hope none of you will care less for me than you did before. I'm just the same Tip, you know; only – only – "
"Only you're different!" said the Pumpkinhead; and everyone thought it was the wisest speech he had ever made.

Quote from: MeghanAndrews on October 09, 2012, 10:49:43 PM
... I felt like I had the right body, it was the brain that was all messed up. Brains are easier to fix and be messed up than bodies, right? I felt more comfortable thinking to myself that my brain was just stupid and I was a freak. 

YES YES YES! I felt like a freak! Inside I didn't match up. As a child my self perception of gender was extremely confused.  The only way to describe it was "apparently" male. Everybody treated me as such and my parts all pointed to that fact. What else was I to conclude? It hurts just thinking about the past. I am absolutely sure there are people who experience the woman trapped in a mans body and who's identity was female from the git go.  But I am equally sure there are people who are not that way. Perhaps more of them. As a young person I can't say I felt male with certainty and that was my self identification as a kid. I just felt like me. Maybe I am wierd.

I am not speaking for anyone else but for me it would have been a lot easier to say to my therapist I played with dolls and I was a woman trapped in a mans body thing because I knew what it could do for me. Fortunately before going to therapy I promised myself that I would be brutally honest with the therapist and my wife. I was in such anxiety over this whole thing I thought the therapy was my last hope for a resolution. AND IT WAS!  The therapist allowed a Orchi after quite a bit of therapy because she knew it was the right thing for me and my wife who was extremely important to my happiness and she new it. It has indeed been the best decision for our family. I am a very happy person now. Orchi, not a full transition 100% but mostly, madly in love with my wife and children, Life has been good I am lucky. The therapist saved my life and preserved our family. Sadly she has passed on.

I am sure there are many who will not like what I say on these boards, because I will point out their are sometimes compromises that can be made and save your marriage and family. That's assuming you love them and they are the most important thing in your life after taking care of yourself. Please don't attack me for this. I feel I owe it to others in our community.

Now that I have bored you to death my job is done

This wonderful blog post really resonated with me! The standard trans narrative has never felt exactly right (for me), although I'd previously quoted bits of it in my early therapy experiences, particularly when it seemed necessary for dealing with gatekeeper aspects of getting a letter, etc. As a kid I didn't know any wording or terminology for how I felt, however there were definitely some signs of gender variance, I always felt different. Even in adulthood, it has taken considerable soul searching to find the place on the gender continuum that feels right for me. Still finding that place, and enjoying the journey.

Z

Very nice article. Personally, I actually have always felt from a young age that I was a boy, even if other people didn't see it immediately. This lead to a lot of things, including me believing in reincarnation because I didn't understand how else I could possibly be a man if I hadn't been born with the genitals every other little boy has. Unfortunately, being a young depressed person who believes in reincarnation can also lead to feelings of hopelessness and losing the will to live. After all, why bother if the next life will be so much better? That is how I used to feel, and I also spent all of my time reading and playing video games, anything I could do to "be" somebody else.

At the same time, I know that for many people, cisgender people included, it can be hard to know exactly who you are and not have doubts or fluctuations. For that reason I do believe that surgery and hormones should be available to EVERYONE, provided they sign the consent forms, liability waivers, express and understanding of the risks and limitations, and undergo a waiting period of 1 month before having surgery, as is the recommended standard when doing things such as vasectomy or tubal ligation, which cannot be guaranteed reversible.

I think that the current medical restrictions on obtaining treatment DO motivate a lot of people to lie, and at the same time they make some transgender people think they -need- to have certain things done, because it's all so graphed out and linear. That's not beneficial to anybody.


In reality, the LAW does NOT require psychotherapy. The law does not require recommendation letters. The law does not require anything other than you being healthy enough to undergo the effects of medication or surgery on your body. What DOES require that is the institution composed of certain doctors, but not all doctors force you to undergo waiting periods and jump through hoops, scattering pockets full of cash on your way. Transgender health clinics, though few and far between, are able to make sure that an individual is mentally healthy and assess whether they feel transition is what that person truly wants and what will help them to become more complete as an individual. I go to one such doctor, and it is definitely worth it. If not for them I would still be unemployed and too uncomfortable with myself and my life to join the work force and be a productive member of society.

Ever since I was quite young I knew there was something "wrong" with my physical body. However, every time I tried to express myself it was literally beat out of me. I learned the what I was feeling was not right, and I needed to avoid it. I did not know what transgender, or transsexual were. I just knew I was not supposed to be in a boys body. However, due to the incidents of abuse I tried everything I could to escape the "wrong" feelings. I would not say that I have always known. But, I have known since a young age.

To me "boy" was just the label of the body I owned. I was taught to believe the only real difference was your body, that everyone was really the same under all the social and cultural conditioning. (I still think that is mostly the case, though obviously being trans has shaken that faith somewhat.) I always wished I was female, which was really confusing and seemed crazy and wrong because I couldn't understand why I'd feel that way. But I never believed I was female till I found out that it was possible, till I found out about transitioning and hormones and surgery.

Quote from: Shantel on October 09, 2012, 11:17:16 AM
Good article!
........ Then there are some who have always known as opposed to those who were just bored stiff being stuck in their assigned role and subconsciously took a change in direction which eventually manifested itself after a long struggle as a reality. I can attest to being one of the latter types, no BS from this sister!

That is really interesting. I have never thought of that. As long as it was a positive move then it is a good thing.  I admire your honesty. 
If something isn't working try plan b. This is such a fascinating subject especially since I am no longer living the nightmare. I have accepted my self. The good, the bad, and the ugly.

Quote from: Christine on October 10, 2012, 05:19:01 PM
That is really interesting. I have never thought of that. As long as it was a positive move then it is a good thing.  I admire your honesty. 
If something isn't working try plan b. This is such a fascinating subject especially since I am no longer living the nightmare. I have accepted my self. The good, the bad, and the ugly.

I think everyone here has their own unique story and it's interesting to see some honest introspection going one. Let's face it, we're all unique individuals and not cast from a cookie cutter mold. Going back to several years of gender group meetings I can attest to the fact that there is a lot of inadvertent pressure imposed on everyone to be able to convince therapists that they are indeed a good candidate for HRT and gender altering surgeries. The letters being the prize and often one's honesty and integrity put to the test in order to qualify.