I was wondering if some of you kind folks further along than I would be able to help me poke and prod my thought process along into a more healthy/ productive mindset having (assumingly) done so  yourselves? -- yes i know assumingly is not a word... thanks to spell check.. lol

As i sit here today I am 22 years old and i am working vigorously to accept myself completely. I accepted that i was trans (mtf) a just over a year ago after fighting to bury all related thoughts and actions for many years prior (first distinct thoughts that i can remember date back to around 8th grade and inklings a little earlier). Well as part of the denial/ burying I would tell myself "NO! you cant have that your a dude. Get over it, man up and move on." when that did not quite quell the fire I resorted to more abrasive forms of self-loathing to try and shame myself to "normal."  I would call myself and my thoughts/desires/dreams all sorts of lovely things. I will avoid listing the terms id call myself because quite frankly they are quite offensive, and truthfully i'd rather not dig that deep and risk braking them all loose on my psyche again. Basically id dismiss my self as a perverted little freak with no value and that nobody could, or would ever love. And of course being relentlessly abused (teased) in Jr High school (regarding oreintation at age 10-12, i didint know what sex was, nor cared) did not help either. I absolutely dreaded going to school every day, but like a good "man" kept it all bottled up like a pressure cooker eating away at my soul. Not so much verbal abuse in high school ( to my face) due mostly to the fact that i had had enough and was quite likely to lash right back out emotionally and physically (believe it or not fighting back almost hurt worse than just soaking it up like a sponge)

well the last 4-6 years have been actually quite nice in that respect in that I don't get ragged on constantly, and I have a job that i really enjoy doing, is in demand, and i work with people who's company I really enjoy, and who seem to enjoy me. But I am absolutely petrified of what my relationship with my coworkers would become when they find out that I am transitioning and/or have transitioned. I really dont want it to become like jr high all over again. I'd definitely have to leave the industry. (I work in a VERY small business, about 1500 people in the entire USA do what i do. And im a temporary traveling contractor, so word WILL get around to enough people that anywhere I show up to work 1 person will know, and when one person knows... they all do).

compounding the problem, I have no fallback skill set. Nothing transfers without extensive medical schooling (nursing degree basically), so if i loose the gig i got, its McDonald's time. On the plus side, I could save enough money to do a full transition in 3-5 years payed for in cash, if i live off of top rommien noodles, which I intend to do.

Sorry for the book but i figured a more complete picture of my circumstances would help paint a picture of the thoughts swirling in my head, and how to resolve them. I think if i could get my head on straight and truly accept myself than their really wouldn't be anything that they would be able to say that would bring me down. As explained in my little Welcome to Susans Bio I have used drugs as a coping mechanism before and I REALLY dont want to go down that path anymore, so ive got to get my head on right before i proceed any further me thinks.

I know that I very fortunate to be where I'm at, and im very thankful for it, cause otherwise I don't think I would be able to handle all this. I really don't think Im all that strong of a person, I'm worn out from fighting, there cant be much lift in the tank at this point, but you never know now, do you?

I do believe in the power of (forced) positive thought processes, any offered to replace my negative ones would be awesome!

Thank you all, this is an amazingly helpful web sight, your all awesome,
dangerbird

Contact the HR department of the cmpany you work for and find out if they have a policy already in place. You may not be the first to transition at that company.

As for the other stuff:
Denial and labeling of self as perverted?
Check. Had it in spades.
It is a lie we tell ourselves to cope.

As for the Jr High thing...yeah not so much. Adult life is nothing like that so you really don't have to worry about that to much.

Cynthia,
Thank you for the insight.. A lie I used to tell myself... I like it. Im going to use that one. Next time that flairs up Ill call that voice what it is,  a nice little lair, and I don't listen to lairs. Hehe that just might work!

As for worker attitudes, Im not so sure, to my face no, they probably wont say anything. But one lady, whom Ive never met (shes in a different department at one of the sites that Ive been to numerous times) transitioned a couple of years before I started going there. Well, a group of my co-workers were talking about her quite loudly amongst themselves while I was eating my lunch one day, and let me tell you that they had nothing nice to say. I just kept my head down, focused on eating and not shaking and tearing up (quite unsuccessfully I might ad), to try and not out myself. The guys at that plant know somethings up with me, they just don't know what, yet.

As for HR I can definitely inquire,  but I am a "temporary employee" with them. Though I have worked for them exclusively for the past 5 years, I still get laid-off every 6 weeks or so and re-hired when I go to a new site. So cutting me out of the loop would be as easy as telling me "sorry we have no work at the moment" while hiring another person instead of me.  Now Im not saying that that would happen, but it could and I would be S.O.L. lol. Thats OK though when its all said and done. Being me at McDonald's is infinitely better than being as I am now where I am now.

Thats why I plan to work like a dog for the next 3-5 years trying to save every penny, working towards total transition, but keeping changes as easily concealable as possible until sufficient cash is saved up, then take a year or more off, get all surgeries and recover. Then trying to go back. If they wont take me back at that point Ill say their loss, and look for anything else. I don't think it will be that easy to bring me down at that point!

Gosh I hate surgery, needles, and hospitals in general... and to think I'll be going under the knife voluntarily! crazy... lol

Thank you! I feel much better before bed, maybe ill actually sleep tonight!

accepting yourself does take time. i still have issues with it myself from time to time. i agree going to HR is a god first steep.

 



You're going to be ok. Just apply yourself, save your pennies, and make your transition the priority.

If your industry is that small have you thought of opening your own business? If not now, perhaps after gaining more experience or qualifications.   That way you can have people around you who will accept you from the start, if you need staff.  If it is in demand worldwide, perhaps even more somewhere more congenial either within the US (assume that is where you are) or overseas?

Karen.

I've struggle with similar concerns on the job front.  I'm very good at what I do and I, personally, am in demand in my region.  It's a nice gig that pays extremely well and I'm justifiably concerned that it would fall apart when i become "less socially acceptable" (I have a lot of face time with clients).

For me, I'm getting a full-time employment position asap before I transition so i have legal defenses if necessary (vs the self-employed contracting work I normally do).

For you, I'd recommend getting a commitment for a full-time position if your skills really are that critical to them.  If you really can't find that stability, then you may want to look at retraining in a field that will ultimately provide the monetary return you want/need as well as be fulfilling to you in a personal way.  The last thing you want is to be worrying about your finances or career prospects when you're putting your savings on the line and your body under the knife!

Granted, sometimes life forces us to roll the dice.  But whenever I gamble I do whatever I can to have the odds in my favor.

oh... and thing I keep telling myself that may help you:  You can only control your own reality.  You have no control over how others see the world or each other.  (Meaning don't worry so much about what others think - their opinions only affect you as much as you allow them to).

Check out "The Four Agreements".. relevant in a philosophical way to our shared challenges within the social construct.

I reject your reality and substitute my own. First thing you want to do when fixing how you see yourself. Actually say the words to yourself until they gain strength (out loud not in your head). "I am *insert your variation here* and there is nothing wrong with that. Being honest to myself I can care for myself and others, and one day love others as I love myself."

Until you start telling yourself its ok, and keep bottling up negativity, it will define your reality. It may not work for everyone, but I find this attitude works for me. And has helped me since I have started.

I've spent a good part of teh past 3 years struggling with finally comming to completely accept myself. Some das I learn I have a lot more to go.  One nice thing about hussling your butt off at work leaves little time for much else. I got bye sort of OK for a good 30 years buried in teh distractions and diversions of work and home front needing only the occassional monthly or so escape. But when I lost m diversions all hell broke loose.

I get the feeling that once you come to accept yourself, the rest will seem insignificant. Self doubts breed lots of irrational fears. I've seen time and time again here on Susan's as well as in real life from other Ts the conversion. 

So much of my life has changed for the better as much of my self inflicted ass kicking lessened. Still the ghosts of teh past, an entire childhood through high school being a target, are hard to exorcise.

Have you thought for a moment how you work in a field that is predominated by political correctness? Have you even looked at your employeer's "Diversity Policy" to see the no discrimination based on gender identity or expression? Sure, your history will follow you. Just as I am absolutely sure it will me working as an engineer in a very specialized field. The key point to remember is emploeers like making money off you 

Yes. i definitely need to accept myself. I cant say I love myself. I can definitely love others, but lovin me seems to be a bit tricky. That's healthy! lol

Quote from: ZoeNicole on October 10, 2012, 03:31:17 PM
Actually say the words to yourself until they gain strength (out loud not in your head). "I am *insert your variation here* and there is nothing wrong with that. Being honest to myself I can care for myself and others, and one day love others as I love myself."

I'm gonna try and work on that. I do believe in the power of positive thought processes.  My poor little soul seems to be quite tortured at the moment, giving me physical pains and such. Hopefully i can help it out a little.

Quote from: JoanneB on October 10, 2012, 04:50:34 PM
I've spent a good part of teh past 3 years struggling with finally comming to completely accept myself. Some das I learn I have a lot more to go.  One nice thing about hussling your butt off at work leaves little time for much else. I got bye sort of OK for a good 30 years buried in teh distractions and diversions of work and home front needing only the occassional monthly or so escape. But when I lost m diversions all hell broke loose.

I get the feeling that once you come to accept yourself, the rest will seem insignificant. Self doubts breed lots of irrational fears. I've seen time and time again here on Susan's as well as in real life from other Ts the conversion. 

So much of my life has changed for the better as much of my self inflicted ass kicking lessened. Still the ghosts of teh past, an entire childhood through high school being a target, are hard to exorcise.

Have you thought for a moment how you work in a field that is predominated by political correctness? Have you even looked at your employeer's "Diversity Policy" to see the no discrimination based on gender identity or expression? Sure, your history will follow you. Just as I am absolutely sure it will me working as an engineer in a very specialized field. The key point to remember is employers like making money off you 

I understand the keep the mind busy thing. I have projects lined up to wazoo for me when I get back home from this current job. I hope when I finally accept myself that everything elts will just be small frys. Whoda thunk that it would be so difficult? 3 years?! Glad to hear that its getting better though. Ive got a long road ahead I guess. My employers discrimination policy has orientation, but no GID related sections, but you are right. They do love making money off of us!

SageFox- I have thought about sliding into a full time position with a utility but the thought of it is slightly disconcerning to me for several reasons, 1 it would force me to move away from my longtime friends and support system. and 2, the thought of transitioning over 2 years with everyone on sites eyes on me is not a pleasant one. Id much rather start HRT and kind of hide the effects the best i can for a year or 2 (working almost year round to save money) then when a good cushen is saved up, drop off the industry radar of a year and a half or so, and finish transitioning amongst friends. Then try and break back in to the biz when my paperwork is in order. kind of just show up and be all like "Hi! remember me? Im XXXXX but you might remember me as XXXXX. No biggie, its cool!" and see how they take that. lol Im going order "The Four Agreements" off of amazon and read it when i get back home. Its by Don Miquel right?

justmeinoz--- I Have thought of opening a burger joint actually. I love the idea of doing it my own way, and working for me. Take real good cuts of meat and age them for a few weeks, then grind them up fresh daily and top them with real, fresh produce on a homemade toasted bun! Fries from fresh potatoes. Milk shakes made with top shelf ice cream and heavy whipping cream! mmmm. I think that would sell. Id buy it!

Cynthia- thank you! I needed a hug. lol even an e-hug.

Tristan- acceptance does seem to be a slow moving process. Im around a year and a half in. good weeks and bad weeks it seems.

Thank you all for your advice. It took a while for me to respond because im working 12 hour days and the hotels internet is decidedly flaky. It works when it feels like it. lol