Hello all. Sorry but im not used to this sort of thing so here goes.
I am a 26 year old transexual (still feels weird calling myself that), who has struggled most of her life with coming out as a woman. I didnt understand who I was or what I identified with for many years. I knew that I had to struggle to be what I thought a man should. It was so easy for everyone else, and I couldnt ever figure out what to talk to them about. I had no problem talking to women and I enjoyed looking at them, how they dress and the pure sensuality that every woman has. I mistook that for such a long time as being attracted to women. I honestly never gave guys a thought until I was 18. I knew that I liked flowing and open clothing, and that I wanted to be more than who I was.
I started thinking about guys at the end of high school, and to this day im only mildly attracted to them. I realised that I had no sexual interest in women despite several girlfriends (one of which introduced me to my first boyfriend specifically for that purpose and then promptly dumped me when she found out that I really had an interest in him). But even being with a man, there was something that I was missing and I knew what it was, but couldnt admit it to myself.
For a little backstory I'm not the most masculine looking guy, but I am 6,2 as well as being prematurely bald, having a deep and quiet voice.I've been training in several different styles of martial arts for most of my life due to my fear of pain. I train in flowing styles of skill rather than power so that I dont build muscle so much as I stay lean. I still have broad shoulders, and a very masculine look. all of this combines to make someone who doesnt go down easily and naturally projects that strong aura that most men have. Not what I wanted at all and unfortunatly I attract men that want me to be a strong man for them.
I realized that I would have to face my inner self and admit that I what I wanted so badly had to happen now or it never would. I am a very honest person and I talked to my family about what I wanted. Their reactions were pretty tame, though I know that they were in shock. They dont really accept me, in fact Im not allowed to dress up while I live with them in exchange for not paying rent (im currently back in college after working for minimum wage for 5 years with my own apartment. Its a horrible deal but Im very practical). I do bend the rules abit, I wear a very feminine earring and find neutral feminine clothing to wear. My mannerisms have always been very stiff and formal because of my need to pretend to be a man but lately Ive been letting myself relax and I feel wonderfull!
I joined an lgbt support group looking for help, but instead Im the one doing all of the helping! Ive been there for a month and after several outings as a volunteer and becomming the treasurer, im helping others out in the community and trying to be an example. Kind of hard to say that your an example when you still in mens clothing. I want to be able to express myself and see myself as a woman more often (just dressing up when the family is gone isnt enough). Though I was happy to see my name as a woman in the college newsletter (our group became very involved around the time that I joined, but I know that Im only a small part of that). And a few of our members who speak to me regularly will refer to me as she or her. it brightens my day and I start smiling, which is unusal for me as Im normally lost in thought and have a serious look on my face.
I have tried finding others in my community, but the only people that I ever see are the drag queens and gaudily dressed women. Id like to just meet someone like myself, a girl or woman that just wants to look natural. id like to meet a masculine, strong, caring man who can make me feel attractive and wanted, but for now I will settle for some friends who understand how I feel. I cant wait to start hormone replacements and I really want to just go out as a woman. But I wont whine on here. lol. Anyway, I hope to meet some interesting people on here.
