Things have been kind of rocky for me lately. I told my wife that I thought it was for the best for us to split up after I went to my 3rd therapy session. We talked it over calmly. The next thing I know, she is ripping me apart, saying I'll be an ugly girl, my parents will be disgusted by me, and no one will ever love me. Obviously, she was upset, but I couldn't help but take some of these things to heart. I know that transition is inevitable, and I am excited about it.  ...but I am very scared about how I'll turn out.  I don't want to be ugly.  It's so hard to see the silver lining right now.  On top of that, the situation with my wife is still ongoing.  She said that she believes she isn't supposed to leave yet. So, what was to be a quick pulling off of the band-aid has turned into a kind of purgitory.  I really don't know what to do now. On top of that, I was almost certain that after my 4th therapy session (which was yesterday) I would be given a letter for HRT, but it didn't happen. I'm really getting restless for change, but I'm also scared to face these changes. I could really use some reassuring words, ladies! 🙂

Why do you want it to be over with your wife now? Do you no longer love her? Your wife is a huge part of your support system if she is willing to be.

Starting transition is exciting and scary but it gets better. The hardest part of the transition is the beginning when everyone finds out. After that it is just a matter of time and money.  You can't think about what you will or wont look like. You need to be strong and go through with it if its really what you think is right for you. Ignore the people that hurt you. There are so many sweet people out there. You will be beautiful in your own way just like all of us. All women look and act different.

Quote from: ConfusedCJ on October 10, 2012, 07:11:16 PM
Things have been kind of rocky for me lately. I told my wife that I thought it was for the best for us to split up after I went to my 3rd therapy session. We talked it over calmly. The next thing I know, she is ripping me apart, saying I'll be an ugly girl, my parents will be disgusted by me, and no one will ever love me. Obviously, she was upset, but I couldn't help but take some of these things to heart. I know that transition is inevitable, and I am excited about it.  ...but I am very scared about how I'll turn out.  I don't want to be ugly.  It's so hard to see the silver lining right now.  On top of that, the situation with my wife is still ongoing.  She said that she believes she isn't supposed to leave yet. So, what was to be a quick pulling off of the band-aid has turned into a kind of purgitory.  I really don't know what to do now. On top of that, I was almost certain that after my 4th therapy session (which was yesterday) I would be given a letter for HRT, but it didn't happen. I'm really getting restless for change, but I'm also scared to face these changes. I could really use some reassuring words, ladies!

I really feel for you. My wife hasn't taken things too well and made it clear that she married a "man" and that she isn't a lesbian. I can respect and understand since none of us choose sexual orientation. But if she isn't going to accept me and love me, just move on! It's like she wants to ensure that I'm miserable but I think her true intention is that if she is with me that she has some sort of control and may can stop things.

I am used to working under very stressful conditions but when your home and sanctuary are the cause of all the stress, it is really hard to stay positive. Therefore, I am putting myself in position to go to East Africa again with work next week. Hopefully, I can drown myself in long hours of work there and then maybe see if I can find a legitimate business reason to go to Uganda, Kenya, Tanzania, South Africa or Namibia (or all the above). I just want to go somewhere that's not here. South Carolina would be preferable though....

I am really sorry for your situation, and actually have been in a similar one myself. When I first came out to my wife, she told me very similar things that your wife said. She even had me convinced she was right. As it turns out, she was wrong. She is still the only person in my life that does not accept me for who I am. And, my physical appearance is turning out better than I had hoped. I am by no means beautiful, but I don't think I am ugly either. Please, don't let her words get to you too much. Only time will tell what transition holds for you.

As for waiting for hrt to start, yes it sucks! Waiting to start hormones is a very difficult time as I am sure many people here can tell you. Your time will come, and it will be wonderful when it does.

Stay strong, and remember you have family here. 

I don't know what to tell you because I have a similar situation of my own.  Maybe not quite as bad because I have my meds, but my wife won't even talk to me about what I'm doing, or going through.  And she keeps changing her mind about our future, but she did say as soon as I change my appearance she's kicking me out.

I wish you the best.   Kathy

I must be the way the stars are lined up this week! It seems like a bunch of us are going thru the same thing!

I got the "are you crazy? You will never pass" comment tonight also (followed by apology later)

If I were married and transitioning I would almost be sure to expect separation due to the actual realization that being with their same gender is really not them.

Everything else (it can still me amiable) is just shock, despair, denial.  Sort of like the ending of any relationship, Shock Despair and denial.  She may or may never come around, if she does come around it might just be a friendship and not a relationship.

So sorry to hear this stuff.

It is a very tough time. I also realise how hard it is for the 'wife' thinking she had married someone who turns out as someone else.  There are some relationships that last but I think they are quite few. Over the years here,I have seen even long term stable relationships come crashing down.

Sorry I don't mean to depress.

You just have to be strong and keep on loving. Even when she can only hate.

Sometimes you also need to keep reminding yourself what you are losing and what you will gain.

I never realised how much I would gain. I had thoughts of being 'happy'.

I'm not. I'm a new person that has blossomed into the world. The feeling cannot be described. It isn't euphoric, for me, it is total and absolute contentment. I approach each moment in a new light.  I never knew what happiness even meant.

You have to keep that with you. The road is long and hard. But it is a road and we are here to help.

Hugs Ladies

Cindy

Thanks, everyone!  It makes me feel good to know I'm not alone, but horrible to know others are face horrible times like mine.  Thank you so much for taking time to give me hope and make me feel better.  I know I shouldn't dwell on what I might look like, but it is so important to me.  I know once I go through a full transition, I'll want to have relationships with guys.  I don't see that going well if I'm hideous.  Some days I look in the mirror and see the light at the end of a VERY long tunnel.  Others, all I see is my poor hair, broad shoulders, ect.  It's so tough!  I've been going to support group meetings for the past couple of months, but only two others girls attend.  They are both 20 years older than me and don't pass well.  Doesn't really fill me with a sense of fellowship or optimism.

Quote from: alice89 on October 10, 2012, 08:11:42 PM
Why do you want it to be over with your wife now? Do you no longer love her? Your wife is a huge part of your support system if she is willing to be.

She has made it clear to me that she will never be able to accept me as a girl AND continue an intimate relationship.  I don't want things to end, but what else can I do?

Quote from: Michelle G on October 11, 2012, 01:34:00 AM
I must be the way the stars are lined up this week! It seems like a bunch of us are going thru the same thing!

Speaking to the choir!

Cj:  You're definitely not alone!  I wish I could give you good advice but I'm in the middle of the same thing myself.  While I do hope to keep my relationship alive, the more realistic part of me realizes that I'll likely lose my wife as a partner.  I'll do whatever I can to keep her as a friend though.

Ah.. so here's some advice you may not need:  Don't say anything now that you may regret later.  It's very tempting to react in kind to harsh or hateful words, but it's better to take the high road.  Hopefully at some point she'll come to regret her attitude and it'll be much easier to repair the trust and salvage at least a friendship if she's not also trying to get over the mean things you said to her.

And I wouldn't worry too much about appearance pre-transition until you've done everything you can towards making yourself the beautiful woman you want to see in the mirror.  Diet and exercise can do wonders for making someone more healthy and attractive.  I have a very full face and just having a clean diet, losing a few pounds and more regular (and intense) exercise has made a difference in how I look.  I may never be beautiful, but I'm doing everything I have control over to get there before I resort to FFS.

Remember that your wife doesn't want to see you as a woman and has no desire to picture you as such.  Of course she thinks you'll be unattractive - she can only see the male aspect.  She's likely blind to the feminine qualities and beauty you possess.

Quote from: ConfusedCJ on October 11, 2012, 01:15:09 PM
I've been going to support group meetings for the past couple of months, but only two others girls attend.  They are both 20 years older than me and don't pass well.  Doesn't really fill me with a sense of fellowship or optimism.

Sounds a lot like my support group. All the other women there are at least 20 years older than me, and non of them really pass. At least they are happy, and that helps.

That's really sad. Stay strong! You will be happy in the end and its for the best!

Unless you and your wife no longer love each other, there may be a chance that she's mad at you for wanting to leave her because she loves you. If she didn't, she would say something like, "fine, good riddance". That isn't the case, so she may be mad that you're making a decision of how she feels for you for her. If you want to be with guys and if she can't accept you as a girl, then it's probably for the best that you split, but she has every right to be mad right now. No one takes the loss of a loved spouse easily. Let her cool off and then do what you think is best.

Quote from: ConfusedCJ on October 11, 2012, 01:15:09 PMShe has made it clear to me that she will never be able to accept me as a girl AND continue an intimate relationship.  I don't want things to end, but what else can I do?

I think the AND says a lot, and... you may be seeing things in a very dark light right now. Plenty of couples are still together post transition and even post op. Mutual love can overcome a lot of obstacles. Things are still coming at her fast and furiously with relatively little time to process. Remember you wrestled with this for a lifetime. How long has she?

I know some of how you must have felt hearing that from her. I went through the same with my wife. Her major concern is for my happiness and well being, as mine is for hers. I also know very well that intimacy is out of the question. It took days from her to recover from just seeing me dressed around the house. Not in a bad way, just that the image of Joanne was to overwhelming. Yet our love for eachother has grown much stronger over these past few years, just as I have grown.

IMHO, you jumped the gun with your wife. You didn't give her the option of staying around, perhaps supporting you emotionally through a possible transition to full time. You've expressed plenty of hesitancy about forging ahead if passing and acceptance is difficult. Been there, done that myself twice in my 20's for just that reason. I don't see much being inevitable for you at this point in your journey.

There is no amount of processing time that will change her viewpoint.  She is very religious and will not stay with me if I transition.  I know it's gotta be hard for her, but I don't think she understands how hard it is for me!  Thanks girls for being my support during this difficult time.  I don't know where I'd be!

Quote from: ConfusedCJ on October 12, 2012, 11:25:19 AM
There is no amount of processing time that will change her viewpoint.  She is very religious and will not stay with me if I transition.  I know it's gotta be hard for her, but I don't think she understands how hard it is for me!  Thanks girls for being my support during this difficult time.  I don't know where I'd be!

My soon to be ex-wife will never change her opinion either. She also has no clue what it is like for me. I hope your wife will at least provide you with an "easy" seperation, and not try and take you for evrything. Best of luck to you.

No matter what, You chose to be honest, not only with yourself but with those around you. You cant help how they will feel about it, but you can know that you did the right thing by telling them. You have to be the person you know that you are, and not everyone is willing to help with that, but so long as you want it then you should fight for it. That you are honest about this shows your comitment and a sliver of the wonderful person that you can be. Hopefully your wife realizes this and decides to love you regardless. After all, isnt that what love is? If she fell for a man then that was her mistake, if she fell for you then she will support you. Im not saying that it will come overnight, after all it is a huge thing when you have such a commited relationship. Remember that her feelings are important and try to guide her through your change and she will help guide you as well. Your the pilot and can fly alone if you have to, but everyone could use a good co-pilot.

I have decided that spouses can be the biggest detrimental hurdle to our well being and our journey to be our "true selves", more so than the outside world

When they are understanding it is quite comforting, when they turn against us with nasty comments and threats, you feel so trapped and helpless.

Quote from: Brooke777 on October 12, 2012, 11:58:04 AM
My soon to be ex-wife will never change her opinion either. She also has no clue what it is like for me. I hope your wife will at least provide you with an "easy" seperation, and not try and take you for evrything. Best of luck to you.

Woman like that are only money leeches anyway, the kind that you doubt will be around if you had lost everything.

I think transitioning proved such a point, I hope all goes well  she deserves nothing.  Otherwise she would not be trying to tear you limb for limb.

Quote from: Rita on October 15, 2012, 01:21:56 PM
Woman like that are only money leeches anyway, the kind that you doubt will be around if you had lost everything.

I think transitioning proved such a point, I hope all goes well  she deserves nothing.  Otherwise she would not be trying to tear you limb for limb.

Since I have very little faith in the court system, I am doing all I can to keep her semi-happy. She still lives with me, and since she can't get a job I am paying for her to go to school. She still treats me like crap. I can't wait until she can get a job to support herself so I can finally live in peace. I am hoping by giving her pretty much everything in the house, paying for half of her new place, and paying for all the food, clothes, and school supplies for my son that she will not take this to court. If she does I will probably lose everything and be court mandated to pay her a lot of money everymonth which would put me nearly on the street. She would also probably go for custody if she had the chance.