Okay, so, being the overly anxious person that I am, I've found myself often very much back and forth in my mind on the whole issue of myself, personally, going MtF. Consciously, the idea has pretty much become an obsession in my mind, I never stop thinking about it... soooo...  What are some serious red flags one should watch out for when pondering about whether the transition is right for them? Something that might be blaring, but not obvious that might be a good indicator that it's not a good idea for them?

Personally, I can think of every reason in the world why I would want it, and I rationalize from most any event in the past that stands out, and I can even look at other peoples' stories and say "That's totally me." And I'm sure most of us are like that... but what if we're wrong? Myself, personally, I've wound up being called a hypochondriac so many times in my life its hard to really trust my own instincts on things, so... who knows?

Hi Firecat,

Honestly, I think in the end you just have to ask yourself if this is really what's going to make you happy in life. How will you feel if/when living as a woman is as natural to you as living in your home town? Will you really feel happier relating to people as a woman than as a man, along with the new set of stereotypes you will deal with? Will you feel more fulfilled in your love life, your relationships, your friendships, etc?

In the end nobody can tell you... but I think if you know the depression of living in the wrong gender it is hard for it to feel like a choice.

Good luck 

I tend to feel like people should try to break transition down into pieces. And decide on the pieces individually and for reasons that are about that specific piece. I.e. going on hormones because you think you're a girl seems a bit odd to me. You should probably go on hormones because the effects of hormones on your body is something you specifically want. Try to pull apart the stereotypes of what you THINK is required and make decisions based on what you actually want for yourself, for your body, and for your life. And if/once you do start your process, check back in with yourself periodically to decide if X thing is still a thing you want.

This is not a thing I did. And it irritates me. Because it would have made transition a much easier decision for me if I hadn't felt like I had to make every single choice all at once and all together.

Also... it's pretty much always good to weigh the costs. Transition can be expensive in a lot of different ways: financially, socially, emotionally, physically. And unless you are currently in danger of blowing the back of your head off, you have time to process what the costs are going to be for you. It's good not just from a standpoint of "should I do this?" but also "what should I expect?" And it's a good excuse to research ->-bleeped-<- like mad and know everything you can about things before you start.

I also think part of your process should be something along the lines of "screw the past." Seriously. Stop thinking about that. Think about who you are now and what you want now and whether this is a thing that will make your life better or not. Whether you played with dolls or not when you were 3 is of so little relevance. I can't even.

Do something else instead. Try to imagine you go ahead with transition and then five years from now what do you think your life is going to be like? Now take off the rose-coloured glasses and try again. Remember that you will not only have most of the problems you currently have, but a whole bunch more as well. Don't assume this is going to fix anything other than "I hate my body," "I hate how people see me," and/or other things directly related to things that transition can fix. Transition is probably not going to magically make you happy. But it may get rid of some problems and make it possible for you to be happy/happier.

Now maybe take a look at anything you are scared of. Real things like "my family might disown me" or "I may never have the body I want" = rational fear and you should have a look at those. Things like "I am a weak person and I can't survive this hard thing" or "I'm totally not straight enough/femme enough/knew young enough/like the right things/blah-dy-blah" = irrational fear. Don't let yourself be scared out of this thing if it IS actually right for you. And depending how miserable you currently are, it's important to think about how much you actually have to lose versus potential gains.

I dunno. Those are some things. They might be helpful I guess? I spent 6 years fighting with myself over whether to transition or not till eventually I hit the "going to blow the back of my head off" wall and that sort of made my decision for me. I strongly recommend against my approach.

To that point, whether you like my suggestions or not. Please make up your own mind. Don't be bullied or intimidated or cajoled or coerced or seduced or anything of the kind by any other trans person. If they try to tell you what to do: they are wrong. If they try to tell you who you are: they are wrong. That's for you. They can give advice and recommendations and suggestions and whatever. But that's it.

Best of luck.

Quote from: Firecat on October 13, 2012, 11:34:28 PM
Okay, so, being the overly anxious person that I am, I've found myself often very much back and forth in my mind on the whole issue of myself, personally, going MtF. Consciously, the idea has pretty much become an obsession in my mind, I never stop thinking about it... soooo...  What are some serious red flags one should watch out for when pondering about whether the transition is right for them? Something that might be blaring, but not obvious that might be a good indicator that it's not a good idea for them?

Hi Firecat, everyone's situation is unique, but here are some indications (in my opinion) that ones' preparation for transition isn't complete: if you answer YES to any of these questions-- you've got more work to do.

1. Are you in an abusive or unsafe relationship?
If you aren't safe now, get to safety first, then transition.
2. Do you live in a place where it is not safe to transition?
If you would be arrested, imprisoned, or executed for transitioning, move or emigrate first.
If you would be evicted from your home for transitioning, move to someplace where you won't be made homeless when you transition (or move when you transition).
If you would be attacked on the street for transitioning, move to a safer neighborhood or town first (or move and go stealth at the same time).
3. Do you have unrealistic expectations of transition?
Gender transition can be expected to immediately or eventually relieve gender dysphoria. If you have other problems or challenges besides gender dysphoria, do not expect them to get better just because you transition. Transitioning may bring up issues and challenges that make your other problems worse at least temporarily. Is your problem a problem that people in your target gender expression experience? Then it probably won't be solved by transition. You need a plan for dealing with them, or for living with them. Don't expect transition to make your life easy, give you thousands of friends, make people love you, get you more sex than you are getting now, make you lose weight, heal your leprosy, stop your smoking, get you a better job, or teach you to be a woman or man. Everything takes work, effort, attention, and some luck, and transition doesn't change that.
4. Are you going into transition blind?
If you have not had experience in your target gender expression part time, get the experience before considering full time. You wouldn't commit to other complete life changes without testing the waters. Why would you just dive in to this one?
5. Are you still asking yourself IF you should transition?
In my opinion, transition is big enough and hard enough that you probably shouldn't do it while you still are questioning whether you have to do it. Get back to #4 and experience more.
But if you have decided that your sanity or happiness or wholeness or integrity depends on your transitioning, then the rest is just details. Start getting the details as right as you can and go for it.

Quote from: Sarah7 on October 14, 2012, 12:27:26 AM
Remember that you will not only have most of the problems you currently have, but a whole bunch more as well.

Yes. This is 100% true. Your problems DO NOT go away just because you become a gender you are happier with being. You may be a happier person, but you will still be the same person, with the same problems. And because you are now a different gender, the way you have to deal with those problems may also be different--sometimes harder, sometimes easier.

Also--and I know this may get me into trouble, as all are not of my mindset--I personally think that the word "transition," or any word with the "trans" prefix are not a set of words to be used. At least I don't use them when talking about myself. I look at it as I'm simply finding and coming into myself by expressing myself as who I am. And this is a process I termed "inventing."

But honestly, I don't think there are any red flags that should tell you not to do this. Just be yourself, whatever gender that is. Take things slow, but don't be afraid to go out swinging on occasion. Making a leap of faith is required sometimes, except for those times when you can blankly see the sharp rocks at the bottom of the cliff.

A sense of urgency is a BIG red flag. When I was first just exploring the idea of being trans, a CD + TS couple emphasized to me the importance of going sloooow...taking your time...and you'll be less likely to make a mistake (whether it's a fashion mistake or SRS)

Transition is a process that takes several years...and it's not just the time, but it's the effort you make, and the comfort level you achieve in adapting and learning and experiencing to the changes.

Adapting yourself--internally and externally--and also helping your "outside world" (family, work, church, friends, etc) to adapt as well.

Learning about transition--the medical risks, realistic outcomes, other's experiences (both their individual experiences, and their "outside world's" exp), social expectations, clothing style, makeup, etc

Experiencing the changes--Have you worn nail polish in public? Fem earrings? "Girl clothes"? Do you have your name yet, and have you told anyone? These are all actions that must be done at some point...but you can't do them all at once, rather you shouldn't do them all at once.

Take your time, "how much time" is up to you, but don't rush it.

Enjoy the ride!

Basically put.. I feel alone, and confused... I'm at point A, and looking all the way down at point Z and wishing I could just be there. I've spent too much time thinking about this and wanting, even needing it to not go for it, but I feel like I'm walking blindly through a desert and praying I stumble upon an oasis. I really should have brought that guide with me.

Hopefully there are some support groups in my area that my therapist knows about, I could stand to have a few friends who are going through this... as all I've been considering is the "me" aspect of it all... my friends have been encouraging me to do what I want and not worry about what other friends and family think... that it's my life and I need to do what makes me happy.

Quote from: Sarah7 on October 14, 2012, 12:27:26 AM
I tend to feel like people should try to break transition down into pieces. And decide on the pieces individually and for reasons that are about that specific piece. I.e. going on hormones because you think you're a girl seems a bit odd to me. You should probably go on hormones because the effects of hormones on your body is something you specifically want. Try to pull apart the stereotypes of what you THINK is required and make decisions based on what you actually want for yourself, for your body, and for your life. And if/once you do start your process, check back in with yourself periodically to decide if X thing is still a thing you want.

This is not a thing I did. And it irritates me. Because it would have made transition a much easier decision for me if I hadn't felt like I had to make every single choice all at once and all together.

Also... it's pretty much always good to weigh the costs. Transition can be expensive in a lot of different ways: financially, socially, emotionally, physically. And unless you are currently in danger of blowing the back of your head off, you have time to process what the costs are going to be for you. It's good not just from a standpoint of "should I do this?" but also "what should I expect?" And it's a good excuse to research ->-bleeped-<- like mad and know everything you can about things before you start.

I also think part of your process should be something along the lines of "screw the past." Seriously. Stop thinking about that. Think about who you are now and what you want now and whether this is a thing that will make your life better or not. Whether you played with dolls or not when you were 3 is of so little relevance. I can't even.

Do something else instead. Try to imagine you go ahead with transition and then five years from now what do you think your life is going to be like? Now take off the rose-coloured glasses and try again. Remember that you will not only have most of the problems you currently have, but a whole bunch more as well. Don't assume this is going to fix anything other than "I hate my body," "I hate how people see me," and/or other things directly related to things that transition can fix. Transition is probably not going to magically make you happy. But it may get rid of some problems and make it possible for you to be happy/happier.

Now maybe take a look at anything you are scared of. Real things like "my family might disown me" or "I may never have the body I want" = rational fear and you should have a look at those. Things like "I am a weak person and I can't survive this hard thing" or "I'm totally not straight enough/femme enough/knew young enough/like the right things/blah-dy-blah" = irrational fear. Don't let yourself be scared out of this thing if it IS actually right for you. And depending how miserable you currently are, it's important to think about how much you actually have to lose versus potential gains.

I dunno. Those are some things. They might be helpful I guess? I spent 6 years fighting with myself over whether to transition or not till eventually I hit the "going to blow the back of my head off" wall and that sort of made my decision for me. I strongly recommend against my approach.

To that point, whether you like my suggestions or not. Please make up your own mind. Don't be bullied or intimidated or cajoled or coerced or seduced or anything of the kind by any other trans person. If they try to tell you what to do: they are wrong. If they try to tell you who you are: they are wrong. That's for you. They can give advice and recommendations and suggestions and whatever. But that's it.

Best of luck.

Quite an excellent assesment.

I would particularly emphasize "Screw the past" part. I've seen obsessing on it seriously damage a loved ones life. I tend to dwell too much on it myself. I know I am a far far different person than I was 2 years ago, even 1 year ago. I need to stop dwelling on the mistakes I made over the past 3-4 decades, and worse, the victimization I was subjected to up through high school.

By far I think the biggest red flag is thinking transition will end all your problems thus make your life better. It is just an extreme form of geographical relocation, or running away from your problems. You still have all the old ones, you aren't going to instantly be accepted, or become the next super model in the SI Swimsuitsuit issue, and your life will likely be turned upside down to the point of loosing everything else that gave it meaning; family, friends, career, etc.. Plus in the case of being MtF, becoming a second class citizen. And, as my wife so indelicately puts it, "Who in their right mind would want to become a 50 y/o woman?" Yes, transition can bring the joy into our lives that we long awaited for. But the risks and costs can be quite high in many cases.

I'm trying to look at it objectively and be patient and considerate of my own desires... I do know that in the 6 years since high school, I've been basically a zombie, a coward, I've run away from responsibility and have found little to make myself happy... I'm rather constantly depressed actually. I didn't have a job til I was 20 and it was absolutely necessary, I never got my license til that winter, because walking up here in the winter is just too unrealistic. I didn't move out until my mother basically kicked me out, and living with my friends actually turned out to be a miserable experience that ended a couple years ago with me moving back in with my mother, and having little to no contact with them since. I'm still at that same job even though I've never had a raise or anything, because I just never saw a point to bettering myself....

Then, I started getting these feelings about wanting to express myself, that it was very important to me... I became interested in the furry community, from which I met two MtF's, and a crossdresser... the crossdresser made me realize how interested I was in dressing and acting female, trying to date a girl and telling her I want to crossdress and be girly 24/7 made me start questioning myself, and the MtF's made me so envious with their resolve and courage to make such a change...  So eventually I asked a RL friend to go shopping with me for girls' clothing and makeup and a purse... and soon after that I decided to change my hair for the first time in my life, beginning to grow it out. Within a few months of that, I faced my fears and sought help from my first therapist, who works a couple towns over... so I had to face my fear of driving on the highway, and in the city... after a few months of that, I challenged myself to show up to therapy in the middle of the city, fully dressed, complete with a bra and purse. I did it... three times. I was scared ->-bleeped-<-less, but I never felt so proud as I did after. Since then, I've sought help from doctors, gone to various places like the bank or store or whatever, and been able to confidently talk to people to get what I need done... and I even sought a new therapist when I knew my old one wasn't working out.

Looking at point Z... that would be quite a mistake for me right now, but where I am right now, I've certainly made big strides in improving myself, even though I do have psychological issues I need to work through first. My self image has already been better, I've started getting over caring what others think of me (I told my brother about this), and I just hope that the rest of my family will be so understanding, I know my mother won't be, though.

In short, I've already felt like a second class citizen for a long time, because of my own personal issues and not pursuing something I was passionate about, I've been a doormat to just about anyone and anything.

Quote from: JoanneB on October 14, 2012, 12:57:55 PM
And, as my wife so indelicately puts it, "Who in their right mind would want to become a 50 y/o woman?"

A 60 year old woman?  Or a 50 year old MTF Transsexual?   

Firecat, it sounds like you've been taking the necessary steps to not only determine if this is the right path for you by seeking therapy and venturing out as a woman, but you're pacing yourself and forcing yourself to face your fears and grow beyond the boundaries you'd placed on yourself.  Keep moving forward and you'll get to point Z much sooner than you expect.

Sounds to me like you have a LOT of personal progress to be proud of, Firecat. Every step that brings you closer to who you want to be is a cause for celebration. Being happy with who you are is what it is all about. There's no race and no finish line, and no red flags as long as you are true to yourself.

P.S. Are you a Yusuf Islam fan? Teaser and the Firecat was one of my favorite albums.

Actually, I'd never heard of it before to be honest, truthfully it was a nickname I made for myself as a furry way back on second life, and I've just kinda used it as a screen tag ever since... sounds right up my cat alley though, I may have to check it out 

But yes, thank you   I can honestly say I attribute this huge sense of longing I have to already having made me at least even a marginally better, more confident person... and until such a time where it no longer has that effect for me, I need to keep working toward it

Quote from: SageFox on October 14, 2012, 01:36:02 PM
A 60 year old woman?  Or a 50 year old MTF Transsexual?   

Firecat, it sounds like you've been taking the necessary steps to not only determine if this is the right path for you by seeking therapy and venturing out as a woman, but you're pacing yourself and forcing yourself to face your fears and grow beyond the boundaries you'd placed on yourself.  Keep moving forward and you'll get to point Z much sooner than you expect.

Indeed!  I'll truthfully say I was really shy to be seen by others in those ventures, and waited and chose the paths less traveled by people on those days... what can I say? I was self conscious... but even still, even if only maybe 5 or 10 people got a brief glimpse at me, I still did it.  Though my therapist said I still looked like a boy in girl's clothing... oh well, lol, can't expect to put on a bra and suddenly be princess incognito

Not to double post or anything... I get random spells like tonight, I'm not sure why... more often than not, I feel really happy and even excited about my dream and desire to change myself for the better, even if the path I've chosen may seem extreme, it just simply motivates me.   But times like right now, I succumb to serious depression, and suddenly I feel just awful about everything, and suddenly my dream becomes the unthinkable... its like, when I'm happy, I feel like I really should be a female, but when I'm depressed and miserable, I feel like just a male.  Its like suddenly despair sets in, and I don't know if I feel just overwhelmed by it all, or I just feel completely incapable and lethargic or what... not sure which side to listen to, possibly both.

Its different from the times i just get down on myself because of feeling daunted by just how much work is ahead of me, as I know that I'm not going into this deal with only blind happiness, there are a full spectrum of emotions involved.  I suppose this could be my inner demons manifesting themselves. The ones that will stop at nothing to keep me from succeeding at anything.

Anyone else here ever get like this?

Quote from: Firecat on October 16, 2012, 04:09:31 AM
But times like right now, I succumb to serious depression, and suddenly I feel just awful about everything, and suddenly my dream becomes the unthinkable... its like, when I'm happy, I feel like I really should be a female, but when I'm depressed and miserable, I feel like just a male.  Its like suddenly despair sets in, and I don't know if I feel just overwhelmed by it all, or I just feel completely incapable and lethargic or what... not sure which side to listen to, possibly both.
....
Anyone else here ever get like this?

Yes, definitely. Exploring your gender identity, experimenting with your gender expression, or planning and embarking on your journey, are very emotional experiences and can bring up a lot of stuff that has long been buried. When you feel intensely it is a good sign that you aren't numb any more; now you've got more information to work with in figuring out yourself and your life.

If you were working with a cognitive therapist (or training in meditation/mindfulness), you would probably do exercises to identify the thoughts which come BEFORE the emotions/moods/episodes. It is a useful form of self-therapy even if you aren't working with anyone else. What did I say to myself inside my own head right before I felt that way? One thought triggers a whole rapid chain of self-speech that brings on the emotions/head space.

It doesn't immediately change your feelings, but will usually start to make sense of them for you. I think THIS, then I feel THUS. This set of habitual thoughts make me feel this way. This other set of thoughts make be feel this way. What am I telling myself through these feelings? Is there anything about these 'semi-automatic' thoughts that I want to change, or that don't feel valid to my life any more? I own and maintain the tracks and trains in my head. Only I can inspect each car in the entire train of thought, and remove a car from service if it is faulty or hazardous to operate. Only I can reroute lines that no longer serve destinations I need or want.

I wanted to tell you what your feelings mean Firecat, but it would be better for you to hear yourself, so no spoilers from me. There are many insights in store for you, all unique to you (even though you may see me waving as I go by on the Maddie Northern line, conducting a 200 car train to balanced Bliss.)

Here is how I knew. Years ago I went on a vacation to a city where no one knew me, that I was pretty sure wasn't TG hostile and lived as a woman for a week (as best as I could at the time). After that I knew that is what I needed to do. It was a life changing experience for me. It was several years after before I started to live full time but I knew without question I needed to do this.

Honestly until you have lived as a woman, you really have no way to know if it is 100% the right path for you. Being a woman def has it's down side, this is still a male dominated society. It's why I think that RLE etc isn't BS and why I lived full time for several years before I even started HRT. I see people who do HRT for years, have FFS and sometimes even find a way to have SRS before they have ever lived as a woman to see if they are 100% sure it is really what they want. At that point, they just have to accept it as there really isn't any going back. The fantasy of being a woman does not always equal the reality of it.

I suppose I have some insecurities to work through before I can live full time. I've been testing the waters and doing things based on this urge I have, but I haven't really thought about how to prepare myself for the bigger steps like that.  I always figured I would get on the HRT and just see how it effected me, and when I felt comfortable enough I would start going out and experiencing more of the female side of things.  I don't have many friends, and there are very few people I've trusted enough to tell this little secret to.

I do not feel comfortable going anywhere alone, and I also don't feel confident yet that I could pass myself off as a female... but for the most part, I'm afraid to post my face openly on this forum for the risk of heightening my insecurities

Quote from: Firecat on October 16, 2012, 12:42:26 PM
I suppose I have some insecurities to work through before I can live full time. I've been testing the waters and doing things based on this urge I have, but I haven't really thought about how to prepare myself for the bigger steps like that.  I always figured I would get on the HRT and just see how it effected me, and when I felt comfortable enough I would start going out and experiencing more of the female side of things.  I don't have many friends, and there are very few people I've trusted enough to tell this little secret to.

I do not feel comfortable going anywhere alone, and I also don't feel confident yet that I could pass myself off as a female... but for the most part, I'm afraid to post my face openly on this forum for the risk of heightening my insecurities

I "tested the waters" twice in my 20's. Both times jumping back out, mainly due to lack of self-confidence, fear of humiliation after just barely leaving an environment where I was a constant target for abuse, AKA high school, and dogged by the "just a guy in a dress feeling". I resigned myself to faking being a guy the best I could.

Fast forward some 30 years. Two years ago, to this month even, I once again started venturing back out into the daytime world as Joanne. Though still plagued with a lot of self esteem issues and little confidence by the end of the day I knew I needed that experience. I knew it helped immensly to galvanize my then current feelings on how my life got to where it was. I knew I needed a LOT more of days like that. Since then I've had a lot more. I still am not sure what direction I need to steer my life. I do know I can find joy and peace in my life. I just am not sure if the ultimate cost makes it worthwhile.

As Stephe said, It is something you need to try first. Even part-time as I have been for the past 2 years. The answers will eventually come. The fears do dissipate, or actually become overwhelmed by the many positive feelings and emotions. That is, if it is meant to be, and not what you want it to be.

I'll go at a pace that my therapist and I decide on, and I'll take it one step at a time, but I'm not going to wait until the day i have more hair on my back than on my head to begin taking hormones.  My crown is already just beginning to thin, and I can see new hairs forming all over my body... so if I'm ever going to do this, it needs to be soon. If I can find a way to slow or stop my hair loss in the mean time, I might be a little more comfortable to take my time and wait for hormones... but if not, I'll probably just get on the hormones and test the waters before making any other moves.

Quote from: Firecat on October 16, 2012, 10:08:37 PM
I'll go at a pace that my therapist and I decide on, and I'll take it one step at a time, but I'm not going to wait until the day i have more hair on my back than on my head to begin taking hormones.  My crown is already just beginning to thin, and I can see new hairs forming all over my body... so if I'm ever going to do this, it needs to be soon. If I can find a way to slow or stop my hair loss in the mean time, I might be a little more comfortable to take my time and wait for hormones... but if not, I'll probably just get on the hormones and test the waters before making any other moves.

Yea take it at your own pace, really only you will know how fast or slow to go. As for the slowing down the hair loss, pretty sure you can get finasteride or dutastride (i probably butchered the spelling) without going on hormones to slow the hair loss. Those are prescribed to guys for that particular reason or they used to be. So that is one option, but you would probably be better of talking to your GP about those two. They may have other suggestions as well like minoxidil for example.


But it sounds like you are on the right track in determining the best roadmap for yourself

Quote from: Beth Andrea on October 14, 2012, 11:09:44 AM
A sense of urgency is a BIG red flag.

Coming from the FTM side of things, I have to say that just about every guy I know IRL got to the point where something had to give, NOW, and that sense of urgency was not a red flag. It was a sign that they had stopped waffling and denying and making excuses--they discovered or accepted who they were--and, suddenly, they needed to take action fast.

I've only met a couple of dozen MTFs IRL, but this seems to be a common trend for them, too.

ETA: Actually, now that I think about it, I've probably met about fifty MTFs, but I haven't discussed this phenomenon with all of them.