I don't even know where, or how to start this... or even why. Maybe it's just the funk I'm in but I get the idea that I'm depressed as heck and I should probably talk this out (in the form of words on ... paper?), even say my S.O.


I want so bad to be a woman, more honestly I want nothing more then to have been born female so I wouldn't have had to have lived some of my life as male. That aspect of this entire concept of transitioning is what keeps me from scheduling an appointment and getting the process rolling.


I've even gone as far as accepting the fact that I am going to need help with this, and I'm going to be calling around to see if there's someone locally for me to see.... Even if it costs me every last dime I have.


What I don't understand the most is why I can't just cope with the body and lifestyle I have. With the amount of time I've spent on this forum and other places around the web I've come to realize that there's people out there that have it worse off then I have in the GID aspect. Yes, I wish I could leave my house knowing the image I see in my head of what I look like is what everyone else sees when they see me. But the realist in me knows that they see a six foot two balding 235 pound man with facial hair and what now could easily pass for a belly much like Homer Simpson's (sigh, gaining weight again doesn't help my mood).


I see women now that resemble the woman I wished I was and feel my heart damn near burst inside my chest. Or I'll have a conversation with my S.O that will start to deviate to "our future" and all I can think about it 'Dear Spirits what am I doing'. More and more I feel like I'm just stringing my S.O along and wonder how fair it is for her to be dragged along thinking there's still a chance that I'll be able to live the rest of my life as a guy.


To put this into prospective, ever since I came to the conclusion and accepted the feelings I had were GID I've always told myself I don't have the kind of cash it would take to do anything about it so I'll just have to learn to cope with myself the way I am and accept that I should just quit trying to be accepted as a 'man' and just be myself.


Well, that's harder in practice then it is in theory. In reality everyone still sees a 'man' and treats me as such. Even if the multitudes of people I pass on a daily basis don't even acknowledge my existence I still think to myself they see a 'man'. And that's the part that I'm having the most problem with. I don't want to go out anymore because I know someone is going to drop the 'sir' bomb on me. I feel like I'm losing my grip on my emotions and eventually I might end up crying over something as simple as some one calling me sir.


Oh perfect example of this. I have a friend of mine that's been getting up mighty early in the mornings lately and we've been going to various fast food restaurants for breakfast. There's a McDonald's that we go to from time to time and I always dread going to this place because they've gone to this "personal experience" policy of asking customers for their first name so when the order is ready they can call our names instead of saying "the fatty that's here once a week your order is up". Honestly I probably hear my name said by other people 4 or so times a week. Most of the time I'm answering the phone "Thank you for calling __(company name here)___ this is __(My name here)___ how can I help you" so no one ever really has a reason to say my name. Having these people say my name pisses me off for some reason. My friend has even picked up on this, and was like wtf dude??? One week your Bill now your Dave? You got a problem with people knowing how you are???


I just want to scream YES, I want to be Jessica or Carmen or Tabitha or SOMETHING other then Dave or Bill.


ha... I'm already feeling a little better just sitting here typing this out. That part felt damn good to get off my ... um ... chest.


Maybe I'm to the point where I should be telling other people what's going on. Maybe I've got some pent up frustration about keeping this to myself. I've toyed with the idea of telling other people, and actually came damn near to telling my bother in an email. But I still have this issue of my S.O.


She's told me no matter what she'll always love me, though she can't see herself in a relationship with someone of the 'same gender'.


I guess I'm going to have to talk to her. Let her know that further conversation about the future we've been planning should be postponed until I know what I'm going to do.


I also completed a most up front letter for my mother that I think no matter what fears I might have about how it will go I'm going to mail out, a coming out letter about my feelings on always wishing I was her daughter and letting her know that I want to communicate more with her either by letter or what ever, I don't care anymore.   

(The letter to my mother, haven't sent it yet)

Hey mom.


I know this is out of the ordinary for me, and receiving a letter from me probably triggered a 'some thing is wrong' response from your motherly instincts. I've been fighting the urge to talk to you about this for a long time now, and I don't know if this is out of frustration or fear but I know I can't hold this any longer.


I've always wished I was your daughter, not your son. Ever since first grade at __(school name here)___ I realized there was a difference, beyond what clothing is worn between boys and girls. I never felt comfortable trying to fit in with the boys at school. Even on TV girls had different relationships with their friends and family members. One of the things I've always wished I had was a mother-daughter relationship with you, a different relationship with the world, my life and the people around me.


I wish we could communicate better, and regret all the time I've spent either pushing you away from me when I was younger or what feels like blatantly ignoring you after leaving for __(Trade School)___.


I don't have any idea how your going to take this, or why I'm even telling you outside of just getting the elephant out of my front room but the basic concept is I want to open a better line of communication with you. It wouldn't surprise me if you called me the minute you got this letter, but I get the feeling that sending each other letters more often would be good.


I love you and I'm sorry if this was bad timing. If you do call me I'll probably need to call you back to be able to get into a private space for any conversation.


(slept on it... still want to send it... just not sure if it's too blunt)

Letting things out is a helpful exercise. We're more than happy to let you practice on us. I think your letter is a good beginning. Put the idea out there and then have an open, honest dialogue. Good luck, sis! Hugs, Devlyn

You are off to a good start with your Mother's letter. The more you get it "out" the better you start to feel about yourself.

Just to help you along the way, have a good cry when you want one. They are VERY therapeutic!! Just like a daily laughing session, clears all the junk out of your system. Just try and steer clear of Maccas. Really not good for anyone. At least in the ones over here you can get a garden salad for $2. And there's absolutely no fat in that.

If you can work on changing how you see yourself will make such a difference in your self confidence. Just keep thinking you are a woman, and soon enough you start seeing yourself as a woman, not a man. Transitioning starts from the inside and works its way out.

Keep up the good work. We are here for you.

Huggs
Catherine

Please don't feel as though you can't get the process rolling.  I think you've already started by writing the letter. 

Getting on this forum and venting your frustration, fear and sadness is sometimes all you need to make a bad day better.  I was in your shoes last April, and Susan's allowed me to get the advice to see that the fear of taking each additional step was the only thing holding me back.  I can't thank the girls here enough for listening to the rants and venting I posted during the spring, because they were my support. 

Your appearance will change as you transition, and you control what you do to improve yourself.  Too bad I can't post a picture to show where I started in this transition so you could see what I'm dealing with. (Haven't done a photo posting setup yet).  I was 6 foot, weighed 270, with a thick gray beard and a partly balding head.  Last winter during a flitht to Michigan I even had a passenger who was walking down the isle while holding his young son point at me (in my wooly red coat) and tell his son "Look, there's Santa".  I knew transition would be a lot of work, but I will never give up.  And from what you said I think you never want to give up either.

Take care.   Kathy

As a former 6ft and 250 pounder I can relate. One of the first things I did after escaping the hell called high-school was to start dropping weight. I eventually got down to 140. I also experimented twice during my 20's with transitioning.  I can pack on 10 pounds in 3 days of depressive eating and drinking. Then spend a month plus trying to loose it again.

My wife has known I was a T? from about day one. I learned that lesson after wife #1. I've been fighting a loosing battle with the dysphoria for the past 2-3 years. I thought I had it all won over the past 30 years. Oh well    Like your wife, mine cannot see herself married to a woman. Her main concern is for my happiness and safety, just as mine is for her. Which makes the razors edge I am standing on even sharper.

I would recomend finding a TG group. It was a life changer for me. So much of the shame and the guilt fadded away. I drive 90 miles to mine, the only one around. I was extremely fortunate with finding this group. Many report having tried a lot before finding one that was a right fit.

I had a lengthy conversation with my S.O the other night. I basically told her to find someone else, someone who is happy with the bits they have and could... fulfill their obligations in a relationship better then I could.

she said nope.

Wasn't my place to tell her what she wants in a relationship.

Probably spent 4 hours talking that night. About damn near everything. I told her I wasn't going to be able to give her kids, get married and all that jazz. She understood for the most part and said she'd only been picking on me some of the times she'd brought it up... I mean, after 14 years of being with someone I suppose she's got the right to give me grief about not getting a ring on her finger.

All she wants is for me to 'not leave her'. She told me that depending on what road I took and how far down it I go I'd have to cope if she found someone else to be romantic with but she said I'm her best friend and she doesn't want to lose that, romantics or not.

I've also left a message for someone at a counseling center to call me back. It's a bit far away for me to be able to schedule appointments with them but hopefully they'll know someone in my neck of the woods to be able to talk to. If not, this is going to be a long road with how infrequently I can afford to travel the 90 some odd miles it would take one way to talk with her about how I feel. Though, it'd almost be nice since I don't know a single person where she's at and would have less chance of being spotted by someone who wasn't aware of what might be coming.

I don't know I guess....

Just one day at a time.

Now for my mother...

Quote from: LivingInGrey on October 21, 2012, 06:26:03 AM
I had a lengthy conversation with my S.O the other night. I basically told her to find someone else, someone who is happy with the bits they have and could... fulfill their obligations in a relationship better then I could.

she said nope.

Wasn't my place to tell her what she wants in a relationship. 

Your SO sounds wonderful and it's clear she loves you dearly. 

I hope you can find a good therapist nearby, but if not maybe there is a local group that you can get involved in.  I see my therapist about twice a month now, and she said this may become a three or four week schedule after my life has setteled in.  The biggest problem for me right now is working in my appointments with other obligations, and it seems everyone has that issue.   

There are always some hurdles in our way as we move along.  Just have to find ways to get past them. 

For both you and your SO, take care. 

Kathy.

well, that's another thing I worry about... I'm not going to be able to afford multiple visits a month... If I find someone I'm going to have to tell them that at best I'm only going to be able to afford an hour a month (figuring about $100 a visit with no insurance). If everyone says they'll need to see me twice a month for the first few months then I'm going to have to decline and find a different outlet.

Local support groups are out of the question for me. I wouldn't feel comfortable in that kind of environment and it would hinder my ability to actually get anything out of it. I was in support groups when I was younger for various reasons and I just clam up and get angry, then never return.

Yeah, the best thing to do is talk to the therapist.  I'm sure you'll find flexibility. 

I also refused to get into a group situation, and the psychiatrist agreed that it was best to start first with her.  She later got me involved with her group when I was ready.

Kathy