Hi All,
I just found this site and would like to say hello. I live in the Netherlands, I'm 48 years old and I have felt all my life that I was 'different'. As a child, I was a typical tomboy although I used to be a bit shy as well (I was recently diagnosed with ADD = attention deficit disorder). I liked to play with boys and I loved the outdoors to such an extent that I always wanted to be outside! I loved to look at plants, insects, small reptiles and birds and even the biggest insects didn't scare me. It was fun playing with boys and I loved roughhousing, as long as the fights didn't really get serious. I also played with girls, but they were often a bit tomboyish as well. Girly things like dolls didn't interest me and when I was about nine years old I started to resent wearing skirts. My mother, who was a very open-minded and liberal person in many ways, allowed me to go swimming in bathing shorts as long as as I liked. She didn't mind me being a tomboy. When I was 12 years old, I wore a skirt for the last time.
My puberty started when I was about twelve years old, and I hated every bit of it! Looking back now, I realize this is when my trouble at school began - I had never really fit in due to my ADD, but puberty was a real shock to me. Within a year or so, I had developed breasts, my hips had become very broad (like my mother's) and I had become the tallest girl in class. I resented my new, big, clumsy body and I especially hated my new breasts because now I could no longer go swimming with a bare torso! My mother had explained everything to me so my first period didn't come as a shock or a surprise, but it was hate at first sight because my menstruation was often long (7-8 days), excessive and painful. When I was 16, my GP prescribed the pill to me to reduce these symptoms.
With the onset of puberty, I didn't fit in with the other girls any more and as a result, I was bullied in school for almost three years. I couldn't relate to anything they did - their obsession with boys, makeup, clothing, etc. - and I felt totally ostracized by them. They said my clothing was silly and unfeminine. They didn't understand me and my strange hobbies, either. Unlike them I was interested in subjects like history, dinosaurs, wildlife, and anthropology. To cut a long story short - high school was hell, it was a relief to be able to go to university!
I'm an anthropologist and I have always been interested in gender issues, but it never really dawned on me why. Last year, my father died and I still haven't figured out why, but shortly after his death I started to discover all kinds of new things about myself. Nine months ago I was diagnosed with ADD (a condition I had never even heard about!!!) and shortly after that, I had a breakdown at work: burnout. Right now, I'm undergoing psychotherapy. Ironically, Ritalin (a medication prescribed for AD/HD but also for ADD) has enabled me to feel my emotions more because it has reduced the chaos in my head to manageable proportions. This is the only rational explanation I have for the fact that I can connect my emotions and thoughts for the first time in my life.
I'm not a very conspicuous cross-dresser, but I almost always wear jeans and I like to wear shirts with little dark blue stripes or checkers on them. Dark indigo blue is one of my favorite colors, and I love denim clothing, especially Levi's. I can't wear any kind of high-heeled shoe and I've got size 7, so... hurrah, I'm able to buy men's shoes with flat soles! I never ever wear skirts or dresses, they would make me feel extremely uncomfortable - like a dressed-up monkey even. I have always liked ties, even as a very young child, and I would love to wear them every now and then at home. Something is still keeping me from doing so, though.
A couple of months ago, a new chain of events started unfolding. Someone said I looked like a man when shown a picture of me and two weeks ago, someone from the therapy group said the same thing. I have a Yahoo email account and last week, I discovered some Yahoo videos on 'gay' and 'straight' body language. I like to surf the Internet and before I knew it, I was reading some articles on transgender issues. That same evening I cried and cried - suddenly everything fell into place, it was an overwhelming experience. I have FELT all my life that I wasn't entirely female, but now I KNOW rationally that I am not - for the first time in my life! I still feel like I'm treading on thin ice. I'm not a spiritual/ religious person so I do not believe in fate or anything like that, but all these coincidences must come from somewhere. Is it all in the mind? Is there a time in our life when we are 'ready' for these things, ready to shed old clothes because they have become too tight-fitting?
I'm still not sure whether I will say anything about all this in my therapy group. The woman who said I looked like a guy is not really one of my favorite fellow group members. Holland is a liberal, gay-friendly country but things are not always what they seem - many if not most people are still not ready for ADD, let alone for ->-bleeped-<-!
