Hi im new to Susans as im sure you can all tell. I am from Montana and in the search of a little help and guidance. I currently identify as a cross dresser and potentially MTF trans. I have come out to both my Girlfriend and best female friend about my cross dressing and potential transsexuality. My best friend is very supportive of both situations and my girlfriend is chill about the cross dressing but scared about the possibility of me being trans but wants to do her best to help. So the big question is where do I sit at in the spectrum and how do I go about figuring this out?
To help get a better grasp of my situation, I'll give you some back ground information.
At a young age I was very drawn to a little more girly type things. I hated contact sports and tough type stuff. Also horses were a big part of my life both on a personal level and on a family level. I always wanted the bright colored unicorn shirts an pretty horse shirts and often times played with my little pony toys, barbie horses, just anything horses. In retrospect no one thought much of this because of the large part horses played in our family. Fast forward to kindergarten and often times I was the odd boy out and more often than not throughout my grade school career I played with the girls on the play ground a lot and felt right at home.
As time worn on questions and began to form in my mind horse shows especially opened up a new world. Horse shows were a wide open wonderful place for me, full of wonderment. Pretty girls everywhere wearing gorgeous crystal studded form fitting clothes on one of gods most graceful and amazing creatures. There was nothing more pretty to me. I wanted to look like them I wanted to ride like them and get to wear the clothes they wore.. I wanted to be them. I was competitive and very successful at showing but I always felt like the odd duck out, I felt outshined and was jealous and envious of my female counterparts. Finally one day I asked my mom why boys couldn't wear pretty sparkly shirts jewelry an long hair. She was shocked and told me because those things were feminine. To further her confusion I said "So? When do you think boys will get to were them?" She didn't really have an answer really other than "Probably Never."
At age 11 I started crossdressing and the first clothes I tried on were of course my sisters show clothes. I admired myself in the mirror and felt so pretty an next thing I knew i curled up in bed an fell asleep. I awoke several hours later an felt horrified by what I had done an immediately told my mom . She assured me it was just a stage an that it would be ok and that i was just curious but it was good that it scared me, it just showed i was "normal"... But it didn't stop. It kept happening and even though I had guilt afterwards I kept cross dressing. The feeling of being in soft pretty clothes was so wonderful the appearance of a girl despite her rather short hair and boyish face was exciting. My eyes nose an a few other things helped me pull off the girl look despite my hair and chubby face. The want of knowing what it would be like to be a girl was overpowering. The only trouble was the elation was always shattered by guilt in what I had done. It wasn't normal for a boy to dress in girls clothes an want to know what it was like to be a girl this was further enforced when I hit puberty an my body began to change and much to my disappointment I didn't look as pretty anymore. I realized the whole situation was not right I was a guy, guys didn't want to be girls. I tried stopping but it didn't work I always found myself back in the closet trying something on for happiness. Around 15 or 16 I figured out to that it turned me on sexually and I used it as that. I would imagine what it would be like to be a girl and tell myself how pretty I was but the results were always the same guilt confusion an denial afterwards. I didn't have girl parts so why did I keep doing this? After awhile I figured out tucking an was pleased with the look down there and with a little practice I figured out how to get myself excited and soon discovered it felt way better to get excited this way. My skin became more sensitive and even though things always ended the same i discovered i could get higher before the inevitable. I also started having dreams about becoming and being a girl and would often wake up happy with the thought. I always felt there were two parts to me I was fine during the day as a boy but at night my girly side always came out I was so confused and made me wonder what was wrong with me?
Fast forward to now feelings are much the same. I cross dress in private almost daily for short periods depending on what I can get away with. I often sleep in women's clothing 80% of the time. Its not just a turn on thing. I can usually go a few days with no arousal. I just do it cause it makes me feel comfortable, happy and pretty. When I do get aroused I dress up and most often tuck and try to reach that magic feeling and I almost always feel this want of being a girl. Within the past few weeks after coming out to my friend and girl friend, I am starting to accept it more and realize its part of who I am. My feelings of guilt have tapered off, but still exist. Mostly I am just confused.
I don't hate my male body with a passion like you often hear people saying but there are quite a few days where I wish I was a girl and want to know what its like and I feel it would be better if I was. I feel discomfortable with my body an unhappy that I am a guy, yet other days Im ok with being a guy. When I'm with my girlfriend I feel guy like but have other not so typical guyish feelings. I feel my two personalities have also started to blend but which one is bigger factor?
Its not a I have to be a girl this is so wrong, the body I am in isn't mine. But I also don't feel comfortable with who I am. If I truly feel I would be more happy as a girl I would like to figure it out so I can start changing while I'm young (I'm 22) both because of better results emotionally and physically and because I don't feel it will be fair to people in my future possible wife/kids to having to deal with a sudden change. I am not completely miserable but at the same time I am not sure if I'm completely happy with who I am physically. I know I need to see a counselor and I have located a gender therapist where I am living but I currently don't have the money to see them, so I thought I would start here first and see what your guys and gals thoughts and opinions were. Hopefully you can help my soul searching a little so when the time does come for counseling I have a little better idea of who I am and where I fit in the spectrum. If I fit more towards just a cross dresser or maybe more towards trans. I know you guys see these scenarios a lot, but your help would be greatly appreciated.
Thanks,
"Brooke"
