Hello everyone, I'm new here. First, I'd like to thank Buffy, Kelly and Theresa Jayne for being so welcoming in the chat, I appreciate that so much. Ok, so I have a lot to write down, so bear with me please. I'm 38, I'm in the process of getting a divorce (my second). I didn't want it, my wife said she thought we made better 'friends' than husband/wife. She even said she'd love to be my roommate. Not exactly what you want to hear from your loved one. My first wife left me for someone else for the same reason. My wife now told me when we first got married "you are such a nice person, so good looking, I don't understand why your first wife could have ever left you." Well, I guess she understands now. Anyway...

I'm so afraid of the thought of living my life as a girl. What if my family, my friends, what if everyone I know rejects me and I can't fit into the world as a girl, what then? What if I lose my job, can't get a new one? What if I can't find love? These are very, very real possibilities that I have to accept. Having read so many posts in the forums, I can't kid myself into thinking it might not happen. I read where someone said "Expect everyone to shut you out so that when someone doesn't it will be a gift." What a beautiful thought. The little light that shines through all of that, the thought that literally is giving me goosebumps right now, is that at least I will MAYBE be happy and I know I can't be happy living the way I have been.

I almost feel like I put in 38 years as a guy and made a lot of people happy...at my expense. I want to cash in those chips and trade them in for some happiness of my own. You know, Buffy said something in chat that really stuck with me that I hadn't thought of before. She said "Meghan, it's the thought of the unknown that will scare you to death. It's like an invisible bridge, a leap of faith that you take and you hope that it works out." Those words really hit home. It is the thought of the unknown and these feelings I'm having that are just scaring me so much. They've been bottled down so deep for so long.

Ok, I've rambled on long enough, I'm going to get some sleep. Thank you all for being a supportive community, I read so many posts in the forums and it seems like so many people are just so helpful here. Thank you again, Meghan

Hi Meghan,

Welcome to Susan's. Your intro resonated with my own story on several points. I too am taking the leap to a new life and found a lot of useful information here. Seeing a gender therapist should alleviate some of the scary feelings coming up for you now that you are on your journey. Susan's is a good place for support too, don't be sorry, let yourself out here, there are plenty of supportive shoulders to cry on.

Hugs,

Rhonda

Hey, I guess I'm new to all this too, so I thought I'd give an anxious hello back. don't worry about writing your entire life story and rambling on - i did that a couple of days ago myself. A lot of things you say ring true for me and especially that you don't feel alone - that's the feeling I got when I went on here for the first time. that people understand - it's a good feeling, especially when you're feeling at a loose end. The part about perhaps cross dressing, I get too. I - at the beginning - though yeah, sure I can handle that. But I'm now so far away from that feeling that it depresses me. My appointment with my gender specialist is on July 17th and I feel like I'm climbing the walls - so I hope yours goes well and well everyone here is so supportive if you need it afterwards - inc me, although my head is in a spin also

in a shorter way - hi and welcome

Hi Meghan,
I'm so glad you found Susan's.
Many of us have and are going thorough similar experiences.
And I'm so happy that you post a intro so that we can get to know you.
Oh ramble all you like it's good for you a form of therapy.
Is the therapist that your going to see a gender specialist?
I'm glad your going to therapy and I think our will find it very helpful in your quest for answers. It many even helping you to find what direction you should go. But the therapist won't tell you he will just help you decide what is best for you.
If your look for friends and or information about gender issues this is the place.
Please read the site rules if you haven't already at:
https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,2.0.html
Then check out the Wiki, with ton of info on the gender topics. Oh and check out our chat and links section too. Have a great read.
Welcome to Susan's.
Jillieann

Hi, Meghan, Welcome!!

I'm sorry I missed you in Chat, it would have been fun to meet you there.  In any case, I'm happy to make your acquaintance!

The issues you described resonate with me as well, and probably do the same for many of us here.  It took me longer than you but I too reached the point where the life of lies and deception grew to be too much to take even though I might lose everything.

The good news is that I haven't lost everything.  My job is generally supportive, most of my few friends have already accepted me and my family has been accepting too.  But before I told them I was petrified, guilt ridden and sure that I would live the rest of my life in "lurid marginality." (To quote Jenny Boylan)

You cannot tell ahead of time who will accept it and who won't.  You need to be true to yourself though, I believe, because not doing so can threaten your very survival.  I have gone through many ups and downs in the past months and years and I've always found friendship and support here at Susan's.  I know that you will too.

again, Welcome!!

hugs & smiles
helen

Hello Meghan and welcome to Susan's!

Thank you for your introduction.  Please take a few moments to get familiar with the site, review the site rules, and take advantage of our many resources such as the wiki, chat, and the links listed at the main page.  We look forward to your future posts and participation.  Enjoy your stay at Susan's!

tink

Well I'm rooting for you, best of luck - make sure you let us know how you get on

Good luck, Meghan.  It might be a life-changing visit. 

Taking the afternoon off sounds like a good idea.

We'll be waiting for you.

Robyn

Hi Meghan,

I should add my wellcome here to Susans.

I dinf what you wrote very interesting. For me I like to writw things in my blog as it helps me understand where I have been and where I would like to go. I am sure what you just wrote will help you to. As for where you should post it think about getting a blog in here after you have reached the minimum requirement (50 posts). Up until then you can can continue to write yourt thoughts in here all start a new thread somewhere else. If you go into your profile you will be able to see all of your posts.

Alice

Wow, that looks like it went really well. Man i'm glad and just a little envious So happy it went well - and good luck with the homework 

Nice to make your acquaintance. A few things in your bio ring true with my own experiences. I've only recently started my own journey and have found this site to be extremly helpful and the people supportive.

Enjoy your stay and I look forward to chatting some time.

Blessed be Lydia.

Hi Meghan, Thank you so much for your intro, you have summed up almost everything I have been feeling for a very long time. You sound like you have lived my adult life and got about as much as I did from it ZILCH. You've found the right place to be here at Susan's I know I have found the resourses and the people to be wonderful and supportive. If I can be of any help please message me if you want to chat
Donna

That's great Meghan. I'm glad you had a good first session. Being honest and up front with your therapist is the only way that they can help you.
Yes you can continue posting here, it's okay.
As Alice said after you reach 50 you can copy and past your postings into a blog if you want.
Or you can start another posting if you like.
Jillieann

Meg,
I'm at your entry 1070 and some more blown away about so many similarities.
OK, being older and not done cross-dressing (really for the very odd occasional) it's quite uncanny. Guess not the only one. Still so UNCANNY.
Seems you were so lucky to have gotten onto decent gender-therapist. Mine was plain hell, worse the "Tans America" movie situation by far.
In SA there is NO CHOISE but this one person, if wanting to go to Steve Biko Academic Hospital (it is free of charge though).
But good Lord, you get what you pay for was never more true for me.
Yes, you are ONE lucky girl.
I'll keep it short and will read some more later.
Hug, Axelle