A reply in a thread got me to thinking about the masks we wear.
We all do it, it's a social thing, at the least.
They are our built in facade, that protective layer we reside behind.
We all have our own personal reasons for having one or more.
None of which should be important to anyone else, yet we are all curious as to who is behind them.
At least I am, to a degree. The degree depends on the person.
Some stuff I'm sure I would rather not know, or it may lead to wanting to find out more that I didn't need to know.
I suspect they may be our armour plating against the more despicable aspects of social interaction.
I also wonder how some find it easy to interchange them, at will, and sometimes unconsciously, seamlessly.
I personally seem to lack that particular talent, I've been informed.
Mine tend to be in layers of facade, some I have been peeling away, others I am trying to.
Therapists, you know.
I hide the madness, the insanity of creativeness.
I hide it behind other layers of madness and insanity.
Behind those layers, there is an intelligent kind of genius, that draws upon the insane creativity.
Which is a layer of intelligence, of it's own coherent extrapolated volition.
They were made for me, these layers.
I accepted them as my own, after all, they were custom made and imposed on me at an earlier time.
I was told I couldn't be who I am, after all. It just wouldn't do.
Getting rid of some of them is not so much what they consist of, but rather the way the they had been fastened on.
At times I can embrace them, like now for instance.
They feel so thick, they seem to impede the ability to interact.
They leave me feeling cold, having less humanity than most.
Infused into an attachment of my impending death, always within reach.
Which leaves me with a certain exhilaration for life, as it can be just as fleeting, as it seems to be.
But that, is just another layer that I have learned to accept as a part of who I am.
So,... How do we find out what are layers of facade and masks?

*Meanwhile, back at the ranch, taking off my mask, to indulge in creative insanity*,
Later,
Ativan

I think I may have seen myself in the mirror last week.

Nobody else was around.  My glasses were off, so I couldn't see any details like body hair, just poses and mannerisms.  I tried a manly pose, just to see if I could do it.  I got as manly as I knew how, saw the result, and started giggling.  I totally lost my composure, and then it was just me... no mask, no social armor, no silly botched attempt at manliness...  it was a beautiful moment, which I'll hopefully be having more and more often as I come to terms with being androgyne.

That doesn't happen when people are looking.  People keep trying to get me to come out of my shell, but they underestimate how thick it is, and how long I've spent building it.

I suck as an actor, though.  I squash my natural mannerisms into oblivion under the shell, and can't replace them with anything decent.  I end up coming off as nervous, stiff and awkward.  As I was growing up, people started to notice.  My parents have actually repeatedly reminded me to swing my arms when I walk.  And then of course there's the school bullies who pick up on anything slightly out of the ordinary and mock it relentlessly.  That just verified my fear that people were in fact watching me and constantly judging.

Nowadays, at least I have those brief moments of being myself when I'm alone, but when I'm not, a deep, powerful fear still drags me kicking and screaming right back into my old shell.  I suppose I'll always have some sort of shell or mask or whatever, like everybody else, but I wish it wasn't so thick and so much of a burden 

The problem with those maskless moments is that I can't consciously trigger them.  I think "ok, I want to act naturally... what would I do if I wasn't thinking about this?  I don't know!"

This is why I don't think I can rely on anybody seeing that I'm an androgyne just by seeing my personality shining through the male facade.  I've suppressed it for so long I can't stop.

Quote from: Ativan Prescribed on October 29, 2012, 10:52:51 AM
Mine tend to be in layers of facade, some I have been peeling away, others I am trying to.
Therapists, you know.

Hmm, yeah, therapists.  Might be worth another try for me.

Actually I think I need a whole new fresh start in another town.  Hopefully I'll get that soon.

"One of the greatest mental Freedoms, is truly not caring what anyone else thinks of you"

I found that one day on FaceBook.
I have used it several times as a cover page.
I think it's a part of peeling back the layers that we have accumulated in our lives.
It's like so many things, it's a step at a time.
While a certain amount of facade is normal, being able to drop it when you want to is a part of that freedom.
We can become our own mental prisons, by letting our fear of what others think of us, get to us.
There isn't that much in life that I fear.
But I always hide behind these layers, as if they will protect me from what others might think.
It was about three years ago that I started to see a therapist. I am on my third one, and I have a Psychologist for my Androgyn stuff. They both are aware and have mutual information, notes and such. The therapist started out as a gender therapist, but that has moved on to other issues and therapists for other reasons, some related to Trans* issues.

I think some what is discussed in this section has to do with our facades and masks.
The answers to many of our questions seem to have an element of letting go of them.

Ativan

"One of the greatest mental Freedoms, is truly not caring what anyone else thinks of you"

True, but in order to do that you have to a) believe that it's not your business how anyone else thinks of you, and b) give up caring about thinking about other people.

Quote from: tekla on October 29, 2012, 07:56:14 PM
"One of the greatest mental Freedoms, is truly not caring what anyone else thinks of you"

True, but in order to do that you have to a) believe that it's not your business how anyone else thinks of you, and b) give up caring about thinking about other people.

a) is it your business what someone else thinks of you? maybe they are thinking of that facade.
b) It might be easier to show you care about other people if you are not hiding behind a facade

I get what you're saying though. Those thoughts roll around in my head when I think about it.
On it's surface, it does seem like a cold way to be. Yet, I think it has possibilities.
I am constantly challenged by it, as I try to do away with what I don't need, what I hide behind.
What if I get there, will I end up being just a cold hearted person?
I'm hoping not, but then, I have my doubts about getting there anyways.

Ativan

It's not cold-hearted.  It's just the realization that if you're not going to care what others think of you, you best get off your 'god-trip' and stop making judgements about others.  Why should anyone care about your thoughts if you don't care about theirs - only reason is that somehow your thoughts are so much more important than their are.

At this point in my life I do not longer give a "rat ass" what other people think of me at all. So, no more mask, what you see is what you get.

I'm not sure if that's a luxury or a sorrow.

Quote from: tekla on October 29, 2012, 09:15:33 PM
It's not cold-hearted.  It's just the realization that if you're not going to care what others think of you, you best get off your 'god-trip' and stop making judgements about others.  Why should anyone care about your thoughts if you don't care about theirs - only reason is that somehow your thoughts are so much more important than their are.

Indeed, truly not caring what someone thinks of you can be an enjoyable freedom.

The ability to twist a statement into something along the lines of an extreme negative is indeed a reaction to those perceived facades, masks, even ones true self, that some find disagreeable. So we in turn build up a collection of them. We become complacent in using them to a point of not fully knowing who we are, or can be, by their consistent use. The idea is to get rid of those that no longer serve a useful purpose. Such as those we would use as a defense from twisted viewpoints that take reality out of context and insert a bullies viewpoint, for the sake of being a bully. Take away the mask that the bully uses to their own twisted 'god-trip' views and you disarm them, until they find another one. I get that. So does everyone else who has ever had the pleasure of walking away from such views with a smile on their face.
Nice work in reinforcing the basic idea of why it is so important for some to exorcise those evils of peoples reactions to the masks we sometimes use when confronted by adversarial views. Although the thread is basically about losing the masks and facades that some of us have built up from years of hiding our true genders, it is possible to take such a statement into a realm of extreme negativity. The line "you best get off..." is an exquisite example of the type of bullying that some have endured, only to end up putting up yet another mask, in order to hide from such reactions to themselves.
When the statement is taken in the context that it is given, it could be quite a luxury to finally free ones self from the facades built up over a lifetime of bigoted attitudes that they have endured, on the other hand, when taken to an extreme, which is highly unlikely that someone actually would, it indeed would be sorrowful.
Thanks for sharing such an insightful example.

Ativan

I don't think the answer is so much "stop caring about what other people think" as much as "stop putting the needs/wants of others above your own needs/wants."  This still leaves us with an obligation to care about others, but the contract is limited: if the other person doesn't care about what *we* think, then we're not obligated to honor *their* wishes.  However, if the other person does show an interest in our perspective (or can be encouraged to do so), then a dialogue can commence, and there's potential for both sides to gain understanding and make adjustments.  Of course, we don't have the time and energy to respond to every single individual we come across, so at some point we have to go about our business.

Quote from: Ativan Prescribed on October 29, 2012, 07:53:40 PM
"One of the greatest mental Freedoms, is truly not caring what anyone else thinks of you"

i agree. there's no point in caring about what others think about me, except for business. can't do good business unless you care about making a good impression. this doesn't mean that you shouldn't care about others, that's something very different.

i care a lot about other people. but it's too exhausting to both care about them, want to help them, and also have to care about dressing and talking and walking and do absolutely everything in a way that pleases them. caring too much about what others think about me makes me so self conscious that i don't have time to see other people and their needs. by relaxing a little and care less about what other people think about me all the time, i can focus all that spare energy on other people, and do something to help them instead of hating myself for not being perfect enough for them.

Losing the ability to care about others wouldn't be a mental freedom.
For me, finding ways of helping others has been one way of prying off some difficult masks.
There seems to be a combination of them that leaves many with the impression that I don't care.
Finding those things about people that I do really care about, looking past the masks they inadvertently use,
has helped me come a long ways in getting rid of my own.
I still have a long ways to go.
Ativan

Quote from: tekla on October 29, 2012, 09:39:17 PM
I'm not sure if that's a luxury or a sorrow.

Not sorrow at all, a hard-earned luxury, dahling

Quote from: Ativan Prescribed on October 31, 2012, 12:10:41 PM
Losing the ability to care about others wouldn't be a mental freedom.
For me, finding ways of helping others has been one way of prying off some difficult masks.
There seems to be a combination of them that leaves many with the impression that I don't care.
Finding those things about people that I do really care about, looking past the masks they inadvertently use,
has helped me come a long ways in getting rid of my own.
I still have a long ways to go.
Ativan

While I do not care what people think of me, my whole life has been devoted to helping and advancing the lifes of others, and I do not mean only my family.

I do care what other people think, but I have my own priorities and standards that come first. What hurts most is when someone catches me betraying these standards, but most of the pain is in me catching myself.

I always hated the masks I was trying to wear as a teen so they were never easy to keep on trying to be "normal" teenage boy no matter how hard I tried.  these days I've given up trying to fit others expectations so I'm free to be me.  If I'll sometimes put on the super confident mask - If feeling vulnerable.  But If I just being me I come over as confident enough.  afterall I'm not trying to hide anything from other people.  Because there is nothing wrong with me.  It has taken a long time for me to get to the point where I don't care what strangers think about me

During the weekend I got tons of compliments because of my outfit when I played the role of a female in a Halloween party. All the compliments seemed a bit hollow - I know they were directed to me, but I felt like I just did my job or acted well. When the night grew longer I got a growing dysphoria about breasts and my skirt and just had to switch to my normal androgynous clothes.

It's been like that for some time, now. It seems that the more I delve into myself and who I really am, the more I notice how much my female presentation really is just a mask. Funny how clear this seems at this point, and how confused I've been about this only a few months ago.

It seems that the more I experiment with my female side, the more I fall into guy/androgyne mode. For me the problem with masks has always been to recognize what is a mask and what is part of me. I sincerely haven't understood until lately what part of me is me, what is a mask I've put on for necessity or just to make life a bit easier. It was difficult to tell what mask hurt and made me feel fake, when everything about my appearance felt dull and empty and fake.

Maybe my problem has been trying to hide from others, or maybe I've only been thoroughly programmed to try to act like a girl, since I didn't understand I could be something else for a long, long time. But after starting to talk about this and trying on different masks and social roles I've found it harder and harder to act like a woman. It's just that - acting. Wearing a mask, being in drag. I get frustrated sooner or later and jump into being even more masculine than before.

This "be true to yourself" and "just be yourself" business can be damn scary sometimes. There's just no way to know anything about the future, right now. All of this being trans stuff seems more and more real every day.

Speaking of masks, I got on a elevator in a tall building in downtown Seattle wearing work clothes and it dawned on me that I should have taken the service elevator because the office professionals in their three piece suits with briefcases and the well dressed ladies in their professional office attire were looking down their snot lockers at me as if I had just crawled out from under a rock. I felt compelled to smile at them all as I was thinking how different things would be if everyone's clothes just suddenly vanished.
 
Breeeeep! Atitude adjustment time!

Quote from: Pica Pica on October 31, 2012, 09:00:44 PM
I do care what other people think, but I have my own priorities and standards that come first. What hurts most is when someone catches me betraying these standards, but most of the pain is in me catching myself.

beautifully put and i must concur!