sounds like we have alot in common. but you have to figure out how to start being ok with yourself. and how to deal with your body in a + way. i use to be a hater and - and then figured out that and my eating disorder was just bad news. once you can let go some of the bad then you can start to live and be happy. it truely does feel good my sister.

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Quote from: muuu on November 01, 2012, 12:02:13 PM
I think I'm even too scared to actually kill myself, so I guess there's no danger for that to actually happen

Honestly, I hope this fear stays with you. Death is not the right answer.

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there is nothing you can do about your bones, it is what it is.

There's no way you can't be seen as female. Even some sixty-year-old, balding, unhealthy, tall, muscular, etc. people manage to pass pretty decent.

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Whiiiiich is whyyyyy you neeeeeeeeed a therapist to whom you can talk. Come on, don't you agree it's silly to give up before even trying to take care of the issue?

By the way, do you have someone close to you who knows about your issues? You might bring that person to your appointment. They'll speak when you're scared to. I used to bring my mother to the doctor and psychologist, and it helped.

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Liiiiike Iiiiii saaaaaid. How about you stop saying that you can't do anything? There are solutions. "I'm having trouble resolving this" is the correct formulation. I told you, saying negative stuff nurtures negativity.

Sometimes I get a little obsessed with my shape and critique every little part. Almost like a BDD kind of mindset for a short period of time..
Through all of this I have had to balance out the pros and cons of different solutions and have come to these realizations:

#1-  I am not Karolina Kurkova and there is not way for me to NATURALLY have her figure.

#2-  I can't control proportions and fat distribution, but I can fill in the problem areas by gaining weight, sadly I will gain weight in all parts of my body.

#3-  I can be in between skinny and a little thicker to get a CLOSE balance.

#4-  I can save up my money and get Lipo-Sculpture and Breast Implants.

Currently I am sure I want Lipo-Sculpture and possibly breast implants. It's one of those things where I want it now, but I can't have it and It may come in the future when the funds are available.

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How about no? Just pick the damned phone and call. ._. Seriously, either you're exaggerating, either you're at the point you need to be picked up in an ambulance and brought to intensive care. And if it's the latter, do it, for the love of god. Too scared? I can even do it for you if I have the appropriate info.

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Quote from: muuuI just want somebody to tell me it's ok, it's ok for me to die now.

It's not OK to die, I know how hard it can be. Deep depression is a scary place to be and it seems hopeless, but trust me, it's not hopeless! There is always hope!

I was scared of going to therapist, I was scared to tell my parents anything, I was scared of anyone judging me, even complete strangers. I had extreme social anxiety, I was scared of even shaking hands with someone!

It gets better sister, it really does, you just need to take it one step at a time, trust that you will make it out of the hole and be who you've always wanted, just trust it. It might seem like you are unsure of the destination, but thats what getting help is all about, you don't need to know where your going you just need to start walking!

If you want someone to talk to, send me a PM if you use MSN or Gmail, or something similar. I won't judge, I've been there.

It will be OK!

Please try your best to go to call your nearest mental health clinic as soon as possible and tell them you need to see someone as soon as possible, they will understand. They usually know what that means, just be honest!

No one in their right mind will ever tell you it's okay to die. Even, I forbid you to die, out of selfishness, because I'll feel awfully guilty of having  tried to help you and failed, letting you kill yourself.

Now that that's said... Are you even reading what I write you? You're not even trying. Geez. "I'll never be okay". That's not true and if you think it is, it just means you have  an urgent need for help.

I'm going to put it very simply since you're not listening.

1. Pick up phone
2. Dial 911
3. Say you're suicidal, and your address.

And in less than an hour, you'll be in good hands, and they WILL make you okay. They will. How about you trust people, once in a while, if you can't trust yourself? If you have  low self-esteem, you just must have the ability to see that there exists people who are competent. It's the basics of low self-esteem. If you put yoursself down, you're below others, and thus there are people above.

I'm not kidding. If you're gonna have the energy to harm yourself, then use it to pick up the damned phone.

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You are allowed some distraction. Depending on the place, you can probably have a computer or portable DVD player. Or books, at the very least. Reading feels awesome when you haven't been doing it for a while. And razors are allowed. Electric razors, you're able to use them alone, privately. They might just knock on the door to check if you're okay if it's been a while.

You can know what there is in the food. You ask, and they ask, and they come back with the answer. You can ask for the whole details with each meals. You can specify what you want to eat and what you don't want to eat. You don't have to eat amongst others. And there's probably a way to have your own room, even.

And geez, you're more okay with dying than hospitalisation? In all honesty, I have to say: you're not making sense. And it's not even bad to be hospitalised. The two times I was hospitalised, apart from the few annoyances like having to bring your shampoo and all to the shower and back and having to ask for extra blankets because they only ever bring so few, it was really comfortable to me. I liked it a lot.

I think you like very much to find excuses and reasons not to try everything, because you don't want to admit to yourself that yes, there is a solution. Because then you'd feel guilty for saying there was none. But it's still much better to admit being wrong than to continue rotting.

And of course anything negative is gonna be more convincing than someone trying to help you: you're depressed, geez! It's the very essence of depression to see the bad stuff as bigger and more convincing than the rest. The first step to getting out of this is to make an effort and say "it doesn't sound like it, but I'll admit the possibility that they're right". Else you're just being stubborn in hurting yourself. You have to understand that whatever you to get better, it's good. And whatever you try - pick at random if you want to, as long as it's not obviously self-harm - is better than staying as you are.

Quote from: muuu on November 06, 2012, 02:42:31 PM
How did you manage to get trough?
what steps did you take? Like, what kind of people did you see, what happened?

My journey was very long and painful, I wish someone told me what I'm saying right now, I spent years suffering in silence and often contemplated suicide.

At a certain age, I decided, it's time to do something. Time to tell someone I have a problem. So I told friends and family, they didn't know how to react, so I went to a therapist but I was so much in denial that I closed off even the therapist.

But I made changes in my life, most importantly, your body and mind are linked, the better you feel physically, the better you will feel mentally. So exercise and proper eating was the first step on the road, I got really into fitness and that helped me start to feel really good about myself.

And this isn't for everyone but I went on a religious/spiritual journey, through many different belief systems, I meditated, I studied mystical poetry, religious texts, searching for some kind of meaning, something to give my life purpose. I finally became Muslim and it was like a light shun into my heart, my depression and anxiety for the most part, just disappeared.

My journey was very personal, so it might not apply to everyone, but I wish I was more open with my therapist and actually talked about my problems rather than walling myself off, I could of saved myself many lost years of suffering.

The first and most important step is admitting to yourself you need to do something, that is the hardest but most important part.

I hope this helps!

Good luck.

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