I just joined the forum and wanted to first say hi and introduce myself. I'm going to be serious tonight, but hopefully will be back and a little more cheery soon.

To start I am a man on the outside, but have no doubt in my mind that I am transgender. I spent so much time when I was younger denying this, even though in my head it was like a giant elephant. I spent years thinking it was a "phase" and saying that to myself as if it were my parents saying it. Later on I accepted it, but wouldn't let it leak out. Finally, I'm reaching a point where I feel like I have to deal with it. I have been sneaking around, and not speaking a word of it to anyone for my whole life. I have decided I want to take it seriously and not brush it off like I just have a cold or something.

I want to start talking to people about myself... about what I'm thinking... and hopefully one day about what I'm doing. I hope I can make some friends on here, and find a way to improve the way I'm living with my feelings.

I apologize for being depressing. Did or does anyone share these sort of feelings?

Hi and welcome Ellie - you don't sound depressing, you just sound resolute, which is a good thing to be. Enjoy your journey .

Hi Ellie,

Welcome to our little family. Over 8748 strong. That would be one heck of a family reunion.

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Janet 

Wow, you are so great. I am already feeling better. Thank you so much!

Welcome Ellie,

We all seem to go through gender denial and suppress to the recess of our mind. You don't sound depressing, good that you summoned the courage to express who you are. You will make friends here as you work your way to your goal and your new family is here to support you. I second Padma's statement.

Jamie

That pretty much sounds like part of what I went through growing up. I'm pretty certain I thought/was trying to convince myself it was just a phase. Welcome aboard and you can count me among your friends.   

Hi Ellie, welcome from Boston! You have my personal guarantee you'll meet friends here. You'll find all the information and advice you need, too. See you around the site, hugs, Devlyn

Hi, Ellie Girl,

What kind of engineer are you. There is a bunch of them around this parts. Anyway, welcome and happy postings!

Hi Ellie. I am an engineer (EE) and a T? also. Knew for sure since I was 4-5 that I should have been a girl. That was over 5 decades ago. So you certainly not alone here.

I know very well the occupational hazard of what-iffing things to death. That is why I make the big bucks. I am pretty good at it. Unfortunately What-ifing a 30KV 500KW powersupply system is far simplier than my life. I spent 3 decades trying to convince myself I am a tad further along the scale than a CD. Plenty of distractions and diversions thanks to work plus a touch of denial (the 3D's) got my by for a long time. But when the excrement hit the air handler 3 years I had to do a major life review. THe result was maybe I wasn't getting by as well as I thought 

You have been FAR from depressing. THere is one person in my group that... well got me beat in depressing and not knowing WTF to do. She has all sorts of shame and guilt bottled up inside that I have been able to dissapait a little of throughout my life. Not her. So sad.....

Quote from: JoanneB on November 01, 2012, 08:36:55 PM
Hi Ellie. I am an engineer (EE) and a T? also. Knew for sure since I was 4-5 that I should have been a girl. That was over 5 decades ago. So you certainly not alone here.

I know very well the occupational hazard of what-iffing things to death. That is why I make the big bucks. I am pretty good at it. Unfortunately What-ifing a 30KV 500KW powersupply system is far simplier than my life. I spent 3 decades trying to convince myself I am a tad further along the scale than a CD. Plenty of distractions and diversions thanks to work plus a touch of denial (the 3D's) got my by for a long time. But when the excrement hit the air handler 3 years I had to do a major life review. THe result was maybe I wasn't getting by as well as I thought 

You have been FAR from depressing. THere is one person in my group that... well got me beat in depressing and not knowing WTF to do. She has all sorts of shame and guilt bottled up inside that I have been able to dissapait a little of throughout my life. Not her. So sad.....

Hi ladies,

I am an electrical engineer, mostly doing DSP research so no big power stations or anything, although that would be fun.

I've known for as far back as I can remember, and understanding came somewhere along my teen years. Unfortunately I decided to cover it up rather than accept it. I just thought of a memory from when I was about 6 or 7; we had a video clip on the computer from the movie "The Adventures of Priscilla, Queen of the Desert." I think they were singing "I will survive" in it. I thought it was the greatest thing and played it over and over dancing and singing and everything. My sisters and parents made fun of me, but just seemed to blow it off. Thinking back to it, I wonder why they never suspected more.

What do you mean you weren't getting by as well as you thought? For me, I came here because I feel like I'm starting to go a little nutty, but I haven't had any public incidents that I couldn't pass off as anxiety over something else.

Are you out at work? It would be a long way off since I need to work on my personal life first, but it's certainly another concern for me considering I haven't heard the nicest comments about LGBT people around the office already.

Also, funny thing is I chose the name Ellie because it popped into my head one day and was just that persistent name that I knew would fit me. Interestingly enough when I was trying to make my username I decided to add engineer onto it because I wanted something other than my name that could describe me. What I didn't realize until a little while later is that EllieEngineer sounds a lot like I'm trying to make a cute name for electrical engineer.   

Aww, you double E's are always cute! Hugs, Devlyn

Hi Ellie and welcome. It's wondeful to here that you are acting on your feelings. I did so over 7 years ago and have never been happier.

Ellie - MY introduction was much more depressing, I assure you. 

Yours is NOT an uncommon tale, you're among friends here.

Depression is a common complaint in the community. I basically had to have a nervous breakdown before I confronted it - always knew I was different. Being raised as a Conservative Southern Baptist was not conducive to expressing any sort of gender variance. Complications with family made any 'exploration' of it impossible, and being in Texas made examples invisible. Being androgynous only made things harder to figure out.

You are not crazy, abnormal, or sick - you're merely different. God made us this way - we simply have to learn to deal with the reality.

Have you seen Counselors? Psychiatrists? taking Antidepressants?

Hi Ellie and welcome.  You certainly are not depressing, just pretty much par for the course I would say.
Depression is definitely a result of suffering rejection and stigmatising, not from being Trans.  It is treatable, in many cases just by being able to embrace our real identity for the first time.  Once you start working things out it gets a lot better, and a Gender Therapist can help you to ask yourself the right questions.

Karen.

E-squared, welcome from southern California.

Ellie,

  Welcome! I'm a retired electronic tech.  I repaired and modified whatever that was plugged in to the wall outlet.  It is nice hearing from those from the other side of the wall outlet.  It is a different world on the other side of the wall outlet. 

  Joelene

Quote from: EllieEngineer6 on November 03, 2012, 09:09:20 AM
What do you mean you weren't getting by as well as you thought? For me, I came here because I feel like I'm starting to go a little nutty, but I haven't had any public incidents that I couldn't pass off as anxiety over something else.

Are you out at work? It would be a long way off since I need to work on my personal life first, but it's certainly another concern for me considering I haven't heard the nicest comments about LGBT people around the office already.

After a layoff 3+ years ago I wound up having to work waaaay out of state while my wife remained behind. I went from being small company hero to just a minor cog in a multi-billion dollar vast military industrial complex. Worse was the total underutilization of my talents, 10% at best. So between a BS job and the effective separation from my wife I had waaaaay too much free time to think about my life. No Distractions. No Diversions. Little to no Denial. Stuffing food into my face all night and / or drinking dinner was not working. Soon my weight started approaching 200 lbs, a territory I swore never to enter again after hitting 250 and loosing about 100 of that. What really shocked me into reality was thinking how I wouldn't fit into any of my fem clothes. THAT was what got me to stop my self destructive behaviour...and started a whole new life review.

The result of that review led me to conclude that about all of the major disasters in my life were pretty much directly related to me being trans. I had faking being a guy down only so far. My two selves were very compartmentalized. Besides living most of my life as a total fraud I wasn't even one whole person.

To fix the one whole person problem I needed to come to terms with myself. I wasn't a CD, I was a lot more than that. Exactly what I still am not sure and needed to figure out. I went searching for a therapist followed by a TG group. The group came first.

I was no stranger to the world of TSs. Since about 12 I was picking up info on it. Started low dose HRT during college. After school experimented with transition. Failing that dated TSs. It goes on.... But never been to a TG group meeting or get together my entire life. Certainly not because of lack of access, I lived right across the bay from NYC. No matter how much I knew it did not prepare me for being in a room full of extraordinary women just like me (including an EE) Before the meeting ended I knew I was coming back the following month to confirm how I felt. By the end of that meeting I knew for sure I needed to be there.

Facing my transness I'll have to admit has made me nuttier. Mostly thanks to the group and some to the therapist I pretty much lost about all of the shame I felt. Still some guilt as I dwell on still being a disappointment to my dead parents doing what I am, and some for the stress my wife is going through thanks to me. (Yes, she always knew, been supportive, and then some) With these losses under my belt I've been able to once again try part-timing it. Besides presenting during the safety of our monthly meetings I began seeing the therapist presenting. That instantly led to even more, pretty much almost real life experiences, including even being hit on by a guy when I went to local revival movie theater.

The plain simple fact is I feel so full of life and joy being out as Joanne. Unfortunately I have plenty of commitments I need to honor. Transition is likely incompatible with being able to honor them. Here in rural WV no way can I transition and still have a job in 6 months. No job and the empire my wife and I are building quickly colapses. And there is my wife's feelings about being married to a woman.

So yep, I am far nuttier now. I've seen the promised land. I arrived at the banks of the river Jordan. I even got to run barefoot along the waters edge. It is very likely I will never cross over it. My commitments and responsibilities that I agreed to must come first.

Thank you Joanne. I have responsibilities that are similar, although to a lesser degree, and coming to terms with this while taking them on has been scary in itself. Part of the reason I'm trying to go about this now is to head off my continuation of building this life earlier and spare some stress on other people. I still believe it will be difficult, but it may be much more even a few years down the road.

I am so grateful that you shared that story. It helps to give me a new perspective, and although it grounds me out a little, I need to think more clearly about this than I ever have.

Again, thank you.