hang in there bud. it probably doesn't feel like it to you but you're so close..  don't give up.

When I was 20 YO I reached a point where I debated the old: "to be or not to be." The pain of living in the wrong body pretending to be a male for the rest of my life seem to be unbearable. That was 30 years ago.

I was in a different culture and time, and I made sacrifices to become financially independent, I married and got kids. Along the way I suffered alone, but there were many moments of happiness, so I survived and kept my dream alive.

Then finally, a few years ago, my time come, and here I am, still dealing with the "cards du monde," but finally happy being myself.

You are in a more tolerant world where the chances of transitioning when young is better, so courage man

So, dude, whatever you do, do not kill yourself, no way! man, plan and follow your dream!!!I

Quote from: aleon515 on October 20, 2012, 07:03:33 PM
I think this is a great idea. Get away from people who poison you. I worked for VISTA back before it was Americorps. The big problem was it was not organized/structured enough for a young person. They have redone things a lot. It was really good for a couple more reasons: excellent health insurance (it's basically what Congress gets) and a little stipend that they put away for you. You could reup after a year, which I didn't do. I don't know if they still do the later.

Also please post. We are worried about you!


--Jay J

AmeriCorps is another good idea but it could take him out of his state.  I believe all the states have their own Conversation Corps or at least a majority do.  The OP would need to check and see if their state had one and then apply through whomever his local recruiter was.  I also recall after your year of service that Corps. members received a $5,500 education award (which is another good perk).  Out my way most individuals who join the CC have an interest in pursuing careers in firefighting, forestry and conservation and use this as an opportunity to obtain more education and training.  Overall, I think it's a good way to get out there and get your foot in the door.

Has anyone heard from him?  His profile says he was last active 2 days ago...

Quote from: Alex000000 on October 20, 2012, 07:24:15 PM
Has anyone heard from him?  His profile says he was last active 2 days ago...

Dammit. He's probably okay, but I hope he at leasts verifies that for us at some point. I think he should get away from the people who are hurting him. Postponing phallo to focus on feeling good about oneself and finding ways to function in the world might be more urgent.

It says he hasn't been active on the boards since 10/18... damn. Really hoping he just hasn't had a chance to sign on. Please check in with us if you're out there, Nick.

A moderator could have notified his ISP and sent them these forum postings so they could get in contact with the proper authorities.  That probably should have been done 2 weeks ago but even if something terrible has happened it's too late to do anything about it now.

Nick, don't you DARE do that.
Suicide is a permanent solution to a problem that is, truly, temporary.
The transgender issue aside, the unhappy home life that you are describing is something that MILLIONS of young people endure, whether children, teenagers, or adults. You are not alone in that. Grin and bear it for now. And if you want to go the extra mile, then make a gentle effort to allow YOUR own light and self-awareness to enlighten the lives of the troubled people around you. Offer words of genuine kindness and encouragement to the people around you who don't necessarily deserve it, and watch them soften. You yourself can be an influence on them, and help them in THEIR personal growth. Instead of engaging in anger, try killing them with kindness in the face of their insensitive and dysfunctional behavior.

Nick, please do NOT do anything rash like attempting to take your own life. Suicide is a very dark road that leaves a trail of pain and devastation, and your own soul will be so disoriented and damaged that the pain you are seeking to alleviate will endure on a different plane. Don't allow your feelings of anger and hopelessness to dictate your actions. In moments of stress, leave the home, go to the edge of town, and take a walk in nature...for as long as you need to. This will lower your stress levels in a big way, and connect you with the natural world, putting in perspective the temporary nature of your current crises.

You are a smart, aware, loving person, who is worthy of companionship and connection and you WILL find it when the time is right. So don't do anything stupid. *big hugs*

Quote from: Ep on November 03, 2012, 05:43:53 PM
A moderator could have notified his ISP and sent them these forum postings so they could get in contact with the proper authorities.  That probably should have been done 2 weeks ago but even if something terrible has happened it's too late to do anything about it now.

I'm pretty absent and not going to claim to have seen anything in a timely manner, but I just want to point out that this is like eeyore-level pessimistic. It probably took a lot of guts for the guy to post on this forum. I'm hopeful that he's just pulling himself up out of the ditch and putting one foot in front of the other.

Not going to deny that my optimism is possibly also too strong on the flipside of the coin.

Quote from: Ep on November 03, 2012, 05:43:53 PM
A moderator could have notified his ISP and sent them these forum postings so they could get in contact with the proper authorities.  That probably should have been done 2 weeks ago but even if something terrible has happened it's too late to do anything about it now.

Nicks logged in yesterday.

There were three moderators posting in the topic, and we assess every situation like this.

Sorry I should have posted this before. Mods were on to Nick very quickly. We try very hard to be there for people in distress. I had private and public messages with Nick and recommended counselling and places for him too go.

We try very hard to be there for members who are feeling distressed.

Thanks yall for chiming in. My ease with the situation was partly because I know there is oversight and diligence, but I know I'm prone to complacency so it's good to hear reassurance.

Hi everyone...

I'm so sorry I disappeared, I'm bad at stuff like this and I feel so embarrassed and ashamed for feeling suicidal. Reading posts, it's so sad that at one point or another we've all felt this way, it makes me hate the world but seeing the support everyone gives to one a other is encouraging. Thank you.

I'm at the dr to ask for a mental health plan so I can go back to my psychologist. Life still feels pointless, but maybe that's partly because I haven't been living it and truthfully, I don't know how. I hope I figure it out, I don't want to waste away and I don't want to feel like this. I do want to be happy and have friends, it just doesn't come naturally to me I guess.

I hope everyone is okay, I think as long as we have one another's support we'll be alright...I just have to figure out how to accept people's friendship ad support...I'm bad at this stuff.

-------------------------------

I started writing this this morning in the waiting room at the dr, then I got called in and haven't had a chance to finish until 14 hours later...its really hard for me to type this on my iphone too bevause i have hypohidrosis, sweaty hands + touch screen dont work!

I got a mental health plan from my dr and I'm going to see my old psychologist again. I got a score of 37 on the 'depression' test they use (Severe depression is 28 and above), I was shocked it was that high. I knew I was feeling bad and suicidal but at the same time I thought I was somewhat coping. To see that it's getting back up to where it was a few years ago is scary, I know ive felt suicidal but I guess at the same time I didn't think I was anywhere near how I used to be...I guess I'm closer than I thought. I'm weird. On a positive note I scored 2 for anxiety so thats a good thing.

I've contacted my psychologist so ill just wait till she can fit me in. Ive decided I'm not gonna let depression or anyone beat me. I've gotten this far, giving up now would mean my fight and struggles would have been for nothing.

Thank you everyone for being so supportive, even when I dropped off the grid (which I do frequently). I'm sorry.

Nothing to apologise for, you were in a really crappy place and we were concerned for you. 

Life is never pointless, and we can give it the meaning we choose.  I am glad to see you chose to live and to fight.  You deserve a fair go, and your psych can help you get it. 

No matter how bad things look, they really do pass.  I was in a really bad way a couple of weeks ago, and Cindy among others helped me get out of it.  I now  feel like it is all worthwhile.

We are here for you mate. 

Karen.

PS bro, you don't look 16. You're sexy fine. Gettin' ladies (or men, if that's what you want) is all about confidence! Gotta be, all, "I'm sexy and I know it." Look in the mirror. Say it out loud. Things'll be fine; just keep your chin up.

What do you do in your free time? Y'know, for fun? I used to deal with scumbag family members and my general unhappiness by completely immersing myself in whatever I liked to do. World of Warcraft. Magic: the Gathering. Dungeons & Dragons. Super Smash Brothers: Melee. Writing. Reading. Drawing, painting. Guitar, piano.

What're your hobbies? If you don't have one, get one. And do the hell out of it. Hobbies are fun. Make friends through hobbies. Take your mind off the bad stuff.

Quote from: nicks on November 05, 2012, 05:02:47 AM
I'm so sorry I disappeared, I'm bad at stuff like this and I feel so embarrassed and ashamed for feeling suicidal. Reading posts, it's so sad that at one point or another we've all felt this way, it makes me hate the world but seeing the support everyone gives to one a other is encouraging. Thank you.

But that so many of us have been there ourselves also means it's nothing you should feel embarrassed or ashamed about. I'm impressed with the way the mods handle this site and it's great to hear from you.

I'm very glad to see you back, Nicks. Feel free to ignore my PMs to you.

In my experience, being in a really crappy place and thinking about suicide are just part of the landscape that most (not all) transsexuals face at one time or another. I don't know about other trans people who aren't TS.

I actually used to think that everyone, not just trans people, was suicidal at one time or another. I was shocked when a group of my coworkers--all cis and straight--said they had never had such feelings. I suppose one of them might have been hiding something, but the whole crew of them?

I felt awkward and embarrassed for being matter-of-fact about my suicidal feelings. That was a strange sensation. So I never brought up the subject again in that crowd. But when I'm with LGBT people, I'm among allies who know what it's like to live in a queer zone and at some point feel that they've run out of options. I'm not embarrassed about it with them.

You're among friends. No need to be embarrassed. Most of us have been where you are.

I just want to post something to reassure you that you definitely are gonna find someone to love you.   When I was a young person I would have fallen head over heels in love with your look.  It's super sexy.   So don't go by the ideals that you think make a person hot or interesting.   The world is filled with all sorts of people with all sorts of interests and appeals.


Next,  it's going to get easier and then you will have a whole life ahead of you.  Sometimes you need to reassure yourself that "They are all wrong and I am right"  and I've done that in situations over the years and realized the difference it makes in depression.

I deal with depression too.  Sometimes when you feel isolated from people you just want to be understood.  I used to struggle with the idea "I don't care if you agree with me,  I just want you to understand where I am coming from."

There are many issues that contribute to this but the idea of being like Sysiphus,  pushing the rock up the hill to almost make it, only to have it roll right back down again,  is depressing.

So here's the answer.  Stop trying to push the rock.  These people don't understand you and they are out of your range and you need to find people who do understand you and not cling to the hope that one day "family" will come around.

I have not spoken to some members of my family for years.  My mother and father I hadn't spoken to for over ten years and then even in that it was scattered awkward and demeaning so whammo off they go,  I have nothing to do with them and I feel much better for it.

I recently had to start cutting off people I never in a million years felt I would.  Like my closest sister,  I always thought we were best pals.  Finally I took a long hard look and realized she is a toxic jealous person with me.   Perhaps to everyone else she's fine,  it's not necessarily that they are evil people.

They just don't work with you.  So again,  "they are all wrong and I am right"  use that mantra to reassure yourself and shift your perspective.  And DO NOT kill yourself.

What a waste that would be.  ((Hugs))

Don't feel embarrassed about feeling suicidal.  It happens.  The important part is that we battle through it and get to a place where we're glad that we never went through with it, or managed to.

You're getting help now, and you've mentioned that you've seen them before, so clearly they've been able to help you before.  And better, you managed to pull through it once, it would be a shame to put all that effort to waste, and now you know you can do it.  And you can, you've done the first bit and got help, and that was always the hardest for me.

Stay strong.

Good to see you back and there is no reason at all to be even the slightest bit embarrassed.

Hugs Bro

Cindy