I had another trans* friend suggest this board, but since I post WAY too much on facebook, I've been slow in reading and posting.
I'm physically male, mid-50's, married, and have 2 (more or less grown) kids.....
I'm currently in counseling, and seeing a Psychiatrist - the former has pegged me at "Bisexual with Feminine tendencies" - what I hear is "a little bi, and a little trans". I'm taking antidepressants, and mostly - they work. I take Viibryd 20 mg and over-the-counter 5-HTP for it currently.
The start of this particular part of my life likely has it origins farther back than last March, but it was then that I had what amounted to a nervous breakdown of sorts. Prior to that - about two years ago now - I'd had some wild 'emotional responses' that would leave me crying on the side of the road, after hearing a certain song on the radio, thinking about certain things, or just because I felt 'bad'. Back then I simply went to my GP and he prescribed antidepressants - I felt a little better, disliked the (sexual) side effects and weaned off of them.
It was back then that I started to have odd thoughts about considering men as romantic partners. These days, that urge is not as strong, but occasionally, a slightly feminine young man catches my eye. I still much prefer women, but it was that 'peek' that opened the door for me onto something I've suppressed for - well, likely over 40 years.
I had a friend that is intersexed on facebook - she got me through March and coached me (along with some of her friends) well enough that I'm still here, and helped me navigate how to get help.
In retrospect now, I've always appreciated certain kinds of beauty - but I was raised a strict Southern Baptist. Add in a smothering, demanding, VERY erratic mother, and I grew up being TOLD what I ought to find attractive, not seeing that for myself.
Add to that my mom basically throwing out those religious constraints when I was 14, and running off with some jackass that was better in bed for her than Dad, followed by 14 months of being essentially homeless as Mom, my sister, and I tried to hide from Dad - and you get more confusion.
Add to that, the rest of my time as a 'minor' (I was NOT an innocent by then) in the 'Brady Bunch from Hell' as my Dad tried to keep two families (he'd remarried) together, and the resultant dominance games with my larger step-brothers - and I had NO time to sort things out. I think it's called 'Post Traumatic Stress Syndrome'.....maybe it's something else.
I tried to 'fit in' in High school - I'd always know that I was 'a little off' in some ways. I figured it was because I was simply smarter than normal (I score in the upper 2%) - and went with that, because I knew what gay guys were, and I liked girls. The time with mom had one good example - a gay guy that was flamboyant as hell (even at 14, I knew) but had a heart of gold. He was a great cook...
When I was in High School, in the (at that time) rural crap-hole that Dad lived in, my best friend across the street - an effeminate gay guy with whom I had an enormous amount in common. We saw things in a similar light, even though he was a few years older.
I never DID fit in - in High School.
Nearly 10 years in the Navy - never 'fit in' that well, though I learned how to talk the talk.
First marriage cratered - the second took - my wife is a gem from the Phillipines. I don't know if she understands all that's going on, but I tell her everything. She helps with my hair, and we seem to be a bit closer since March. It freaks her out a bit at times. We've been together 24+ years.
I 'engage my feminine side' more by talking with other trans* people online and a few binary women that 'know' on facebook.
Things are going slow, I'm not sure EXACTLY where I stand - but some days I'm very fem, others I'm mostly male. That may put me in 'two-spirit' territory - I don't see myself transitioning physically. My main concern is keeping that crippling depression at bay. I may cross-dress at some point in the future, my condition may change radically enough to require hormones....I don't know.
I've had 'phantom feelings' - for two organs that aren't there, and wanted differences in another - that's not often - but it happens. I don't have a 'dread' of being male, I simply don't want to suppress that little girl inside anymore. She got me through the worst of the depression - and she's VERY strong.
Basically, I consider myself genderqueer....
..and I'm okay with that.
