By now you all know I'm a weirdo, so this shouldn't be a shocker......   I'm 15 months into HRT and all accounts are(from my only friend in the World), is that people can't tell if I'm a male or female. I'm still in "boy mode" so aside from my physical changes and long hair, I don't dress/act female, although from the looks I'm dressed in a little black dress ready for New Years Eve! I get all  the looks. Surprised, shocked, disapproving, "you know what" eating, confused, inquisitive, lots of double takes" and even a few that give looks of APPROVAL ! But nobody will say anything. Nada, nothing! This confuses me more than anything I think. Why does nobody say something, anything? Like most work places, mine is a hyper active rumor mill. I'm talking about a level of "talking" that includes everything from the mail guy, to the director of the Institute. 

To make things more confusing, I am now feeling like I live some where in between. Not a female yet, but not a male anymore. I should be happy about this, right? I mean how many Trans girls, because of there physical size, build, ect, would love to be in my shoes? Some place in between, instead of clocked as male? I feel selfish. I'm like: You are at a point that people can't tell and you aren't even presenting as female. 

My plan was to go as far as I could before going full time. I talking having everything down pat. Voice, appearance, self acceptance, the whole package. But being "stuck" in this androgynous phase has me "against the ropes". This morning I was at work and a contractor looked at me with a double take that should have given him whip lash! Then he gave me the look of disapproval for "causing" him to look in the first place! I'm not into guys, so I don't give off the slightest interest in them. I mean, If I know them, I will say hello, be friendly, ect, but never flirt, stare, or give any indication I'm interested other than in a friendly/professional manner.

So... Am I a "CEIRTFIED" weirdo, or do any of you have/had similar feelings?

Dani....

I would say you are not a "weirdo". No one at work has said anything about my appearance. I am not out to them yet. I present male, but only wear womens clothes. I even have my voice down to where I get ma'amed on the phone. So, I feel your frustration there. It would be nice if someone would notice. These people gossip about what someone had for lunch, or how much coffee they drink.

I think, these are pretty normal feelings, and you should not feel bad about them.

well i can tell you that after discovering that I am intersexed , I really "am somewhere in between" and there are many people who are and are ok with being in between, so if your goal is to be seen as a woman 100% then keep going and don't give up. I personally want to be seen eventually as a woman, but have had 2nd , and 3rd thoughts about the whole thing. There is nothing wrong with being in between though, unless it just does not match up with your spirit and mind anymore (in my case).

Thanks for the supportive comments ladies. Its not that I don't want to go all the way to female(Being me). Its that I guess I wonder if I should be going further. I wonder if its because I don't have the courage, like so many others on this forum, to just say... Look, you've been on HRT long enough. Its time to start dressing, acting like a female. Basically... "pee or get off the pot"!

But part of me says why rush. It can't get any easier going full time when/if your not ready? I just feel so noticed in my appearance, but invisible in my personalty/self.

Its like I'm a manikin in a store front window. People look at me, but don't interact anymore.

Dani

Don't rush it. We all have our own timeline. You need to be comfortable with you before you go full time. IMHO. There is nothing wrong with waiting. If this is what is right for you, then you are doing the right thing. Don't let anyone tell you something different.

I understand what you're getting at, but we all feel a bit weird once in a while when we try to make things complete.  I'm so far from full time that it's not even a thought yet, but we all have plans that just won't fall into place, and we start getting weird.   

I'll confess that today is one of my worst weird days yet.  I"m being held back from moving ahead with my transition because I agreed to postpone coming out on Sunday or Monday unitl after Christmas.  Yes I can wait, but the last mimute shake-up caused me horrible mental confusion.  In one day I lost my sense of prespective, and the judgement to have specific conclusions to my thoughts.  It's all just gone away.  I know the pieces are going to be picked up and rearranged, so I hope I can do this a second time and everything fits together again, without having to change some other plans.

I'd like it all to come together at one time just like you, but sometimes it can't and we have to take a few more steps than we planned to get to the next level (so to say).  Our best plans are sometimes tossed aside, but we go on and try to make our next step better.  It seems like a lot of us go through this, so maybe being wierd is normal, but I'm only speaking for myself here.

Kathy

 

Thanks  Cathy,

I am not worried about going full time as much as trying to understand the reactions from others. 

I suppose I will get used to it someday!

Dani

It sounds like you are softening them up nicely, so it should go okay.  Most people have more important things going on in their lives, and we tend to forget that a bit i think.

Karen.

Never worry too much about what others think unless they are either

a) your employer, or
b) immediate family or close friends

Everyone else's opinion does not matter and most of them will not venture it anyway. I think I pass well because I never have problems with people, I get addressed as "Madam" or "Ma'am" or other female forms of address. Maybe if I stopped to take a survey, any delusions would be popped but I am too busy just getting on with life. Just like other people who are too busy to comment.....

Quote from: justmeinoz on November 07, 2012, 03:59:07 AM
It sounds like you are softening them up nicely, so it should go okay.  Most people have more important things going on in their lives, and we tend to forget that a bit i think.

Karen.

Sorry,

Karen, what did you mean by "softening them up"? Maybe its my lack of sleep, but I didn't "get" what you were talking about.

Thanks,

Dani