I sort of lurk around her, and occasionally post snarky comments and even more occasionally something of actual value. In this post, I talk about my transition plans and how lucky and happy I am about my prospects for the future.
I'm 26 and have been agonizing over whether or not to transition for a long time. Mostly it had to do with losing my boyfriend of 7-8 years. Recently, though, I've just sort of accepted what I really knew a long time ago, which is that I could stay with him if I didn't transition, but I would never be really happy because I'd have to spend my life pretending to be something I'm not... and I just know that it wouldn't end well. And, he's a psychology major, so he knows that it wouldn't end well, either.
So I'm actually going to start transitioning soon, and be well on my way by Christmas. At least have my name changed and be on T by then.
Yah, I know, I posted some pictures of myself here and there on this board in the last day or two asking how I look and how long people think I've been on T. I'm actually not on T, so that was a trick question, but the most common answer I got was 5-6 months. Apparently I pass pretty dang well. Here's one of those pictures, just for reference:
My family have all taken the news.... surprisingly well. I was prepared for nobody to ever want me around them anymore, except for like, my mother who's a lesbian and is pretty much cool with anything. But actually, nobody seems to care. I guess the fact that I have always been a serious "tomboy" my whole life, dress like a guy and look a guy has made it all sort of unsurprising. My stepmom insisted that I come out for dinner tonight and everyone was totally cool and nobody even said anything about it. Everyone still hugged me. Nobody acted uncomfortable or didn't want to talk to me.
Not only that, I all of my friends support me 1000%. Of course, I only have a few friends that I'm still in contact with from high school, but it's really great to have them all see me finally as actually one of the guys. Even my ex-boyfriend is still cool with being friends with me.
Not only that, the place where I'm getting my transitioning needs taken care of doesn't just provide trans-related health care. They provide all kinds of general care, as well as dental, and have a variety of grant programs which can greatly reduce or eliminate the costs. Even without grants they charge on a sliding scale, which means I can finally get medical care.
All that said, I still have near-panic attacks from anxiety when I have to go to school and be in close proximity with other students in my classes. In at least one class the teacher repeatedly called me by my legal name even though I'd asked him not to, not to mention there are people in the class who knew me years ago, so I know that basically everyone in the class knows I'm not biologically male. I know nobody cares. I know they're all just there to go to class and learn and leave, and nobody there could care less about me or who or what I am. But my brain won't be convinced of that, and every time I have to go to physics I have a near melt down. I missed several classes already this semester for that reason, and i've been laid up for the last week at least w/ wisdom tooth pain. I'm really considering just dropping all my classes this semester and finishing my transition before going back to school.
This was supposed to be my last semester, too, but... I don't know I just feel like I've fallen too far behind to catch up. This isn't the first time I've dropped out because I've just stopped going because of dysphoria-related anxiety. I just feel like if I can even just get my name changed, and nothing else, I'll be fine.
Anyway. I just wanted to babble at you all for a bit. Say hello. Be happy about stuff. Be sad about other stuff. I'm really excited about the near future. I hope things all go as planned.
