I've been thinking about transitioning for probably the last 8 years. I'm 26 years old now, and until just recently all thought was pretty much purely hypothetical because I had no way to financially handle transition. Still, it's been a heavy thing on my mind for a long, long time.

I really do feel like it's what I want, what i need. I don't think I will ever, EVER be happy living as a woman. I don't want anything to do with anything commonly associated with the female gender role. I hate everything about it, and being seen as a girl by other people makes me want to run and hide.

And now, here I am. Poised to start transition. I've got financial help that will cover psychotherapy, hormones, and other primary care stuff. I've got the support of my friends and, to a lesser extent, my family. I've told everyone I know about what I plan to do. I've had one therapist say outright that she thought I needed to just get on with it.


But there's one thing holding me back. For a long time, and still, it's been the only thing that keeps from from just knowing that this is what I need to do. I've been dating the same guy for going on 8 years. I love him very dearly, and the thought of not being with him just crushes me. Also over the last 8 years I've developed quite a relationship with his family as well, and basically everyone in his family just expects that we'll be married eventually.

You probably know where this is going. He won't stay with me if I transition. That's all there is to it. I'll lose him. He'll move on and find someone else, and it will be over between us. I can't really blame him, I suppose, for not wanting to date a man. I know he already takes issue with how I want to keep my hair short, and don't ever doll myself up... I don't want to lose him. I love him. But it seems that to stay with him, I have to spend my life pretending to be something else, and I know that I will never really be happy like that. I've tried to force myself to be girly for him and I nearly had a nervous breakdown. It might work for a little while, but it wouldn't end well, and I think if I had to be pregnant and have children I'd get so depressed I'd just kill myself.

I guess the answer really is obvious. I know what I should do. I know what advice I would give myself, if I were asking me. And it's good advice. It's just... doing it, that's the hard part. Really accepting that it won't work, that it can't work, and that the misery I'll suffer as a result of trying to make it work will be far worse in the long run, and that I'm going to lose him eventually, be it sooner or later.

The only way it could work is if he decides he doesn't mind being with a man, and I don't see that happening. I'm sad.

I cant give you much advice, just that I can just imagine how truly difficult your situation must be.
   I, very recently unfortunately lost my long time girlfriend. I met her stealth, we fell in love, and she was accepting and the most amazing person ever. With her, I literally have the best memories with. Im still in love with her, but she left me for someone else, then, she messed things up even more when we tried to work through things, and now she is happy having her freedom to act single. So, though my situation is different, I can empathize with what you may go through, of losing your loved one. It is especially difficult for you, as you are choosing between living your life as you, or living your life with the one you love.
   But if you are 100% sure transitioning is what you need to do for you, then you have to do it, and like you said, the doing it is whats so hard. Its like, 90% of you could be logic, telling you what you need to do, but that 10% that is emotion, just overrides the logic. But I guess you do need to go for it, for you.
   All I can suggest, is to try your best to keep him and his family involved in what is going on. Communicating with them what is happening, and why, would be your best bet at keeping them in your life (in my opinion). They may struggle at first, they may struggle immensely, but you never know, they could stick out the whole transition by your side, and your partner may be able to go through it with you and still want to be with you. There could be a chance. But dont put your hopes in this. You have to transition for you, make sure you dont do it in a way that is for you and them, in a way where, if they turn their back on you, you fall apart without them.
   In terms of my own family. The first few years of my transition, and they were some of the worst years of my life, they were not "for" my transition in any sense of the word. I wasnt allowed to even talk about it with friends. I had to move out at 18 (I know this age is fine for many people to move out, but for me, in terms of feeling ready to face the world, I was not ready! Pre everything and jobless :/ ). It sucked because me and my family were so close, they were all I had growing up. But, though it truly looked like Id be on my own, I can now say Im incredibly close to them again, and the relationship with my Mum has changed in a way where I can truly say she sees and treats me as her son. Finally. Im just telling you this to show you that people can accept things, even if by doing so in their own time means it takes years, itll take years but it can happen. So, if you lose your boyfriend now, he may come round to everything eventually. But in the meantime, you will have to learn to really be strong for yourself.  I hope all goes well whatever path you take.

Pretty much everything he said is spot on ^

But I'd like to add that, for most of us, our true selves come out eventually. In some way, shape, or form. It's easy to think "I can wait to transition" or "I can not transition" because at the time, you have the resilience. But these things wear you down over time. I have heard countless people say GD gets worse with age and I do believe that is true.

Another thing is, it's very hard to be good to the people you care for when you are in pain. when GD is wearing down, it can turn even the best people into total jerks. If you aren't taking care of yourself, are you certain you can take care of him and be the best partner to him that you can be?

As you kinda gave to point I  think its rather obvious.
Trans or not, you should be with a person who love you for being you, and not for pretending to be whatever they would expect.
im sorry about that, But I think its better to be open as the person you are which he may or may not love,
than to play a role for someone he would love but who isnt you, in the end it could also hurt as said and you shouldnt feel sad being in relationship, you should be happy.

I hope he would understand if he really loves you he should love you to be happy, if you cant be together I hope you at least still could be friends but it would demand your strenght and as you know theres no guarenty on how acceptence works, and usunally you need to work for it.

Yeah, it's great feeling accepted by someone, especially if you've known them for a long time. It's hard to cut some ties because interaction becomes a daily habit. You can't erase all the good memories you had, and sometimes you wish things could stay the way they were.

From your description, I just don't seem to understand his mental process. Yes, I see how one could go about ignorantly thinking this way. But really? It's not like your personality will drastically change. Sure, there are some changes on T, but it's not like you'll do a 180 degree turn. You will have some bodily changes, and they'll take a while. You can always shave if he's afraid of his mate having the pricklies.  I have no idea how you feel about the subject, but your lower gear won't change too quickly even if you decided to have lower surgery. What I'm getting out of this is that he likes you personally but wants you to look like a socially acceptable female while around him (and possibly even give him children?) Seems simple, like he'd want a normal life- but really, he can't simply demand that to happen if you are the one having to make the sacrifices. If he doesn't want your happiness above all else, then I say put him on the back burner until he makes up his mind about what he is willing to do to support you.

I have my own issues though. I moved apart from my mate when he told me he thought I was perfect the way I am. It ticked me off because he already knew the hatred I felt towards my body and he heavily frowned upon me possibly correcting it. I wondered if he didn't like me being so confident with myself, and I realized that if I didn't break it off, it would be me catering to him by not doing what I felt was right. It probably wasn't right of me since he had absolutely no clue what my front gear is in the first place, but I never thought of him as the dependable type that would help administer my shots regardless of his opinion on it. I'd rather be alone than have another person get in my way, especially if it's someone I'm supposed to care about.

Quote from: .caleb on November 07, 2012, 07:47:00 PM
Pretty much everything he said is spot on ^

But I'd like to add that, for most of us, our true selves come out eventually. In some way, shape, or form. It's easy to think "I can wait to transition" or "I can not transition" because at the time, you have the resilience. But these things wear you down over time. I have heard countless people say GD gets worse with age and I do believe that is true.

Another thing is, it's very hard to be good to the people you care for when you are in pain. when GD is wearing down, it can turn even the best people into total jerks. If you aren't taking care of yourself, are you certain you can take care of him and be the best partner to him that you can be?

This exactly.

"I know he already takes issue with how I want to keep my hair short, and don't ever doll myself up"

You can't stay with someone like this. If he really, truly loved you, he'd love you no matter what you looked like. He wouldn't have any issues with something as superficial as hair. Love is greater than hair. Love is greater than gender.

Seriously, we've all pretty much loved and lost, it's part of life. But as you get older, you realize if someone's not willing to stick out the good and the bad with you and be okay with how your appearance may change over the years (even in a regular relationship), then it's not the perfect, loving relationship in reality that it is in your head. It's not a question of whether YOU love HIM. The reality is clear in that one simple statement. It may simply be that he's not gay at all, but you have to accept that and move on. He'll move on, you need to do the same and find someone who does accept you fully.

I feel for you... especially since I'm in a similar situation myself.

I've been married for 17 years and we have two children together. Yes, we made them the old-fashioned way; and yes, the pregnancies etc. felt very weird - but I've always wanted my own children who should bear a physical resemblance to me, so this was the easiest way I could do that with the parts I was assigned at birth.

I reached crisis point this year where I realised I couldn't keep living the lie any more (Caleb is right: unresolved GD does get worse as you get older) so I came out to my family & I've started on the journey. My hubby is really quite homophobic so there's no way he'll be able to continue in a relationship with me, so we're probably getting divorced next year.

This is an extremely difficult thing to do, particularly after having been part of each other's lives for so long, and especially with children in the mix, but I can't carry on being something I'm not just to make other people happy. It's time I had some happiness of my own and I'd love to know what it feels like to be comfortable in my own skin. I haven't felt anything even approaching that since I was six.

One thing that I've found is that as soon as you take those first tentative steps on your journey, you naturally want to pick up the pace (if you're doing the right thing, that is). Over the past year I've gone from being afraid to come out to my husband because I knew he'd reject me, to wanting to get hormones & surgery yesterday, regardless of the consequences for our relationship. I do think that dragging it out can cause problems for everyone involved, so I truly believe it is best to end your romantic relationship as soon as you can so that everyone can move on.

Good luck.

Been though what you are going through. I think it is best to have a long talk with your boyfriend and see where it goes....i have been with my ex boyfriend for 7 years as a girl i knew there was something i wasnt happy about and wanted to be a guy, but i was so sacred of losing my boyfriend as we have been together for 7 years, but he does know how i felt, but he said he will be there for me no matter what, and in the end we both agreed to be best friends.

We both found it really hard, and i cryed so hard, but i seem alot happyer now that i can finally be who i really want to be and not to live in lie anymore.

So you have to think about this, the longer you stay with him the harder it will get, you 2 can either try and be friend and you can be who you really wanted to be or just live in the life of lie as a girl and to be who other people want you to be. I know it will be really hard it took me 3 years to deal or trying to sort this.