First off, I just want to say that so far this site is amazing. I've been to a couple others and this site is far better in its members, as well as its daily activity. There are always people posting.
Now then, my introduction. My name is Sarah and I live in sunny Southern California. I grew up in a relatively small town. My first time that I remember feeling this way was back when I was about 5 or 6. I could tell I was different than the rest of the kids, yet didn't know why. When my cousin would come over, he and my brother would always play together and hit it off really well, yet I would always end up crying in a hole somewhere, seriously EVERY TIME. As I grew up my emotions and thoughts never synced up with what my friends were always talking about and enjoying. They would talk about girls and sports and other male-oriented things and for some reason I would just not be interested. Of course, I would fake it since I was required to like girls, and sports, and stuff.
When I was 9 or 10 I started dressing up in my moms clothes. When I would stay home from school or was alone at the house, I would love to just lounge around in a cute skirt or dress and put on some makeup. I loved and hated this about myself. I thought I was the only one who did this "freakish" type of thing and was constantly purging and then starting again. One day I got sick of being this way and purged for good.
That lasted a couple years, but made up for it after that. One day I just couldn't help myself and I needed to feel complete, so I started dressing again. I still thought I was alone and was still so confused about what I was doing. In high school I started hanging out with my brother and his friends since I was too shy and introverted to make my own. They were all into drugs, theft, and vandalism, therefore, so was I. I always HATED hanging out with them since I always felt like an outsider, but it was all I knew and they were the only "friends" I had.
I never dated in middle school. I never dated in high school. I never dated in college. I have never had a date, period. I'm 21 and only kissed one person in my life, and that was when I was a freshman in high school. The reason is that I feel too uncomfortable and awkward. I don't know what to do, how to feel. Although, I always dreamed of being on the other side, of being the girl and it seemed to come naturally the feelings for that. When I was about 17 or 18 I started finding information on the internet about the things I did. It was then that I realized I was not alone. There were others like me out there.
At the age of 20, after posting for a while on a TS forum and talking to others, I decided I'd had enough. I found a therapist, told my family and started my journey. I tried rushing everything like getting the hormones, coming out to my family, etc. One day everything came crashing down and I had a meltdown. I couldn't handle it anymore. I told my family that I wasn't going through with it, stopped therapy, stopped electro., and stopped hormones. I didn't give myself enough time initially to think everything through and come to terms with mself, therefore, there was no way I'd be able to come to terms with other people knowing about me. At that point I tried once more to purge and forget about it all. I tried to be a guy and flush this out of me. Obviously, it didn't work. About 6 months later I couldn't take it anymore and started dressing again and taking un-prescribed hormones.
That was about 4 or 5 months ago and I'm currently on my second attempt at this. I have not yet told my family again that I am going through with it, since this time I want to wait until the time is right for me. I need to wait until I am fully, 100% accepting of myself. I have been slowly getting there and am a lot more confortable with myself and what I need to do than ever before. I am currently looking for another gender therapist and to get back on legit hormones because although I do know the risks, I just wouldn't be able to survive if I wasn't doing something now to stop the T from taking over.
There it is. That's me in a nutshell. I am very happy to be here and so far I love this place. You'll definately be seeing me posting here quite often.
Love ~ Kisses
Sarah
