Okay, so I know I made an introduction explaining some of this, but I am questioning my gender identity still. Most people that I talk to agree that I'm probably trans (FTM), but I'm not yet entirely certain. I want to be a guy, but I'm not sure if I AM a guy.

Why I think I'm trans

1. At times, I literally think I am male, and will forget I am female. For example, I'll count people in a room by gender when I'm bored, and forget to count myself as female. In a similar sense, I have said I would "trade my body" with an FTM, then I'll realize I'm physically female, so that wouldn't do anything for them.

2. I love how I look as male! I think I'm ugly as a female. When I dress like a guy, I usually feel better. When I am dressed like a girl, I don't always feel as comfortable.

3. I lack the genitals I desire. I feel like I should have a penis, and desperately want one.

4. If given the opportunity to still be the same person, but actually choose my biological sex, I would have been born male. No question!

5. I sometimes get horrible bouts of dysphoria, and when I look in the mirror, I see what I want to see. I have to do a double-take to not see a penis there! (In other words, I literally think I have a penis and testes.)

6. When I check out girls, I always feel male, not like a lesbian.




Why I may be non-binary or female


1. I don't have consistently bad dysphoria. Sometimes I'm decently okay as a female. (I'd always rather be male, though.)

2. Though the hormones would make me the guy I want to be, I'm still scared of change. What if I regret it? It will never be like being born a guy.

3. My breasts don't bother me terribly. I've never been in love with them. I like seeing myself flat-chested better, but they're not the most of my problem.

4. As a child, I seemed to vary on the gender-spectrum, but I think I always at least leaned toward male. My mother pushed me to be female, and still does. I wonder if this causes some of my confusion?

It sounds like a pretty typical trans-scenario to me mate. 

Have you talked to a therapist specialising in gender issues?  They can help cut through a bit of confusion and help you find the right questions to ask yourself. 
I have a couple of good friends who are Intersex, so I don't get too hung up on the question of genitalia any more.  I would like to modify mine but don't hate them now, and am able to ignore them pretty well.
Hope things can become clearer, and that we can be of help.

Karen.

Thanks, Karen!

No, I haven't spoken to a gender therapist. I don't know of any good ones in my area, or where to look.

Just to back up Karen, your post is a fairly standard list of the sort of problems most of us experience.

This one in particular:

Quote1. I don't have consistently bad dysphoria. Sometimes I'm decently okay as a female.

Paul Simon once wrote, (though his context was different, the meaning applies equally):

On a good day, I ain't got no fear. On a bad day, I lie in bed and think of things that might have been.

I don't believe the good days debase the significance of the bad days, they simply provide us with respite.

Is it common to almost be afraid of the hormones at first? I do want to be male, but it seems like I can't wrap my mind around the fact that the hormones would make me male. I worry that my singing voice might vanish. I worry that my bipolar might worsen. So on.

I've noticed that a lot of trans people used to pray that they would wake up the opposite sex, but I never did. I just lacked the body parts I wanted, mostly.

First, let me say I'm also new around here . Your's was the very first post i opened when I was looking around here on susans and I almost gasped, and called my partner over to look at the screen. Honestly, you could be twins, cept I cut all his hair off today. He's also FTM  and probably about the same age.
Being scared of hormones and questioning what they might do is perfectly normal. Testosterone is REALLY strong stuff and will have real and lasting effects.It seems like you put alot of thought into what I've seen you post.
You have a way's to go. A gender therapist is a good start and that has been suggested to you. Writing it all down is effective too. Where you are now and where you see yourself, and the steps you are going to take to get there. Who you'll tell and in what order., decide name issues and find out what ID you are legally ableto change in your area. If nothing else it helps to organize your thoughts before talking to the therapist.
As others have stated, you seem to fit in with a normal transgendered profile and your fears are the type of thing one usual in such a situation. Alot of what I've seen you describe about the situation with your parents is typical of the types of things one faces .
One thing i should tell you though is that Testosterone hormone treatment MAY NOT be the best treatment for you. I say this because you happened to mention you have issues with being bipolar. A therapist will also want to ensure they arent exasperating or make worse and pre-existing condition whether physical or psycological. In other words they dont want to make anything worse for you. testosterone can make one grumpy or aggressive and that doesnt mix well with someone bipolar but there are bipolar guys too they just wont want to make it worse. testosterone also wont be a miricle cure-all. One of the things I face when trying to be supportive of my partner is that he knows that SRS isnt all that well developed on the FTM side and it would never be exactly the same as being a guy.

The part about not feeling any dislike for your breasts, well that's normal too. I'm MTF and I get thesame thing about my bits. I dont hate them,they are just there and dont need to be.

Seana

I am MTF like Seena and I have to agree, not always absolutely hating every part of your body doesn't mean you're not trans.

As for the bipolar issue, I can really relate. I was never diagnosed with it but a lot of professionals think I may have some rare form of it. I think they're full of crap, personally, but I respect and understand that your situation may be different. Whether you legitimately have something called "bipolar" or not, though, if you are on medication or generally experience strong swings of emotions, then hormones are going to be difficult, but not necessarily impossible. I think that this is another issue that a specialist would be better equipped to help you pick apart for your specific situation. Either a gender-based therapist or some kind of trusted physician might be worthwhile.

Best of luck to you. Make sure to keep us here posted as things develop.

-Ravens

Myron,
Because I'm also new I cant actually look at your profile to tell where you are. You mentioned you dont know who to go to or where to look. There's many resources, but I happen to have a copy of a list one of the Trans-folk over on ->-bleeped-<- came up with in relation to informed consent, but it also has some gender therapists listed. The caveate being , and not being sure if it is ok to do so , I wouldnt want to post the entire list (it's big ) but if you let me know what city you are in I could look and see if there is anything close to you.

Seana

If I may, Big huggs and welcome to Ravens and Seana. I'm sure Myron will get great support as you will.

As for finding sources for support, as you can imagine, it really depends upon where you live.

I don't want to seem flppant, but your first port of call is here. Take my word for it, or wait and see, but this is where you get real, reliable support. Good stuff and they aren't afraid to tell you when you're wrong.

Anyway, I assume you're all Americans, so you'll be looking for professional support. Addresses on here are a big no-no as you can imagine, but no reason why you can't say you are in such state. I'm pretty sure there will be someone here to suggest somewhere near to you.

Thank you for the welcome and clarification .

State would work there tends to be a couple places listed for each state and province The list I'm thinking of is publicly accessible on the web so let me go find a link and figure out whether its permissible to post a link so as not to step on any copyright. The original author put alot of time into it. I'm certain I've seen excerpts posted here before but always think it's better if I can show where to get the information for yourself.

Seana

Thanks for the replies!

I'm in Illinois. I don't know how much further I am allowed to specify on this board. Though it might be important to, since Illinois is pretty big.

I don't know either Myron. But now, at least, someone else either in Illinois or who knows it can offer some advice.

I'm on the other side of the pond. Not only don't I know much about your area of the world, I also wouldn't know what to look for at all.

But be patient, something will come along

Addition.

Found these but can't say how good they might be:

http://www.genderadvocates.org/links/illinois_tg.html

http://www.eqil.org/trans.html

http://www.freewebs.com/transgendersupport/

I do know you should be careful making yourself vulnerable to those whom you come into contact with, online. But equally, these many be just what you need.

Have a look anyway.

Ok well I checked and I'm not allowed to post a link . The two i see listed for illonois are the Howard Brown Center,  and TGAP (TRANS GREATER ACCESS PROJECT) AT CHICAGO WOMEN'S HEALTH CENTER  . Both though are informed consent clinics and both in chicago. That said both sound like they would be good source for other contacts and would know which therapists to go to.. There's a Ton of information I cant post here in relation to Howard Brown center but I dont have time to go through it all.


Oh and I'm in  Canada.

Seana

Hi Myron - I just wanted to add that change is always scary, even when it's change you're choosing and have always wanted. So yes, many people are scared when they think of committing to hormones.

I've noticed my dysphoria about body parts (which wasn't that strong to begin with) has been getting stronger, the longer I'm on HRT and haven't had surgery yet - at first I too was unsure how "valid" my transness was because it didn't seem to fit some perceived Standard Reference Pattern.

I'd definitely echo the advice to find a good gender therapist (or therapist with some experience working with gender issues) to talk this through with, someone who has no agenda of their own to get in the way so you can explore this at your leisure.

Quote from: Seana on November 14, 2012, 12:21:44 PM
Ok well I checked and I'm not allowed to post a link . The two i see listed for illonois are the Howard Brown Center,  and TGAP (TRANS GREATER ACCESS PROJECT) AT CHICAGO WOMEN'S HEALTH CENTER  . Both though are informed consent clinics and both in chicago. That said both sound like they would be good source for other contacts and would know which therapists to go to.. There's a Ton of information I cant post here in relation to Howard Brown center but I dont have time to go through it all.


Oh and I'm in  Canada.

Seana

I'm pretty certain there's a load of stuff there for you. After all, how big can Canada be?

Though your brief descriptions of details of those places in Illonois demonstrate how little I know. 

Good luck.

Myron, you sound a lot like me. Except for the fact that I seem to be stubborn so I have no doubt in my mind when I say "I want to be a guy".
If you are not 100% sure about something like this, then don't go to far.